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Tween defiant & refusing to go to school
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 398982" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>With the defiance during computer game play, I think you still need to analyse further exactly why it is happening. See if you can discuss with him (after the event) what is happening in his head at that point. We get this with difficult child 3 and it generally is because the game is at a point where he is concentrating utterly on it, and our asking him to do something can sometimes lead to a snapped response because he doesn't want to lose his concentration. It's a facet of game design, that the player is encouraged to keep playing, to not walk away. This is where more vulnerable kids (or more determined kids) find it very hard to disengage. Rather than punishing this, show him that he needs help to learn to disengage. Ask him what he needs. Think about your situation in a similar place - let's say you are changing the battery in your watch. You have the back off the watch, you have the new (tiny) battery balanced on the tip of your finger while you carefully remove the old battery, not letting the spring clip snap back too far. Just at that instant, difficult child (which means Gift From God, the child that brought you here) rushes in and says, "You've got to come now!" How do you react? Especially if he tries to grab your arm...</p><p></p><p>That is how our kids often feel, when we interrupt their gaming with a request to do chores. Now, it is our right to speak to our kids and ask them to do their chores. But if we can learn to respect their space and need for timing, they will learn to respect our space and the need for timing. They also will be more willing to meet their obligations, if they know we are trying to work with them.</p><p></p><p>A point to raise with your son, something I see as a concern - his game-playing seems very intense (OK, we live with that too). But coupled with his school avoidance and the increasing backlog of incompleted work, this is not healthy, it is turning into denial. He is trying to lose himself in his gaming so the pile of incomplete work screaming at him to be done, can't be heard while he is playing. The trouble is, you can't permanently shut off your conscience. And after a while it takes more and more gaming to shut it up too. Soon it won't work. The churning in his stomach must be something ferocious by now, and he's trying to use gaming to reduce it. The trouble is, tis does work, a little. But not enough, and not permanently.</p><p>Try and talk to him about this, and ask him if this is how gaming feels to him, that it helps him not feel so bad inside especially about the pile of work he feels he can't manage. Ask him where he feels this is going, try to work with him to explore the eventual outcome. He will try to walk away from such a conversation - if he is about to melt down, let him (for now). But this is an important conversation, you need to have it. He needs to see that you are trying to help (as are others) and that it's normal and OK to get help. No man is an island - that means we live in society, and in society we use a lot of help. Look at your house - where does the electricity come from? The phone lines? What connects your house to the outside world? Include the road in tis. Where do the wires lead? The roads? Why are they there? Now where are his wires and his roads? Why does he try to manage without using them, when everyone else and everything is designed to work with these connections to others? Basically - it's OK, normal, acceptable and in this case desirable, to use help.</p><p></p><p>Somewhere in there you need to come to some sort of agreement about the things you ask him to do. You need to give him back some 'wiggle room' even if you don't fully agree with it - let it work the way he says and see how it goes. If it doesn't work (as you expected it wouldn't?) then you revisit this with another meeting with him and discuss this. Ask to tweak your agreement again. For example, I mentioned our use of Post-It notes on Happy's thread. They may work for you. </p><p></p><p>Something for you to consider - when he is gaming, he may have much greater problems with transitioning from one task to another. For example, if I tell difficult child 3 to go have a bath wile he is playing. Or come eat dinner. Both bath & dinner would go cold and he would swear blind he was never told. He really did not remember, even though he may have answered (on automatic pilot). So the post-It note stuck to the corner of the computer screen with the task needing to be done plus the time he was told, means he can't say he didn't know. </p><p>With difficult children in our house, we agreed to wait (in most cases) for fifteen minutes or the first save/pause point, whichever came first. It depends on the game, but some games should not be started at a time of day when the child is likely to be called to do chores. For those sort of longer-session games - you get your chores done first before you begin them.</p><p></p><p>Rather than use withdrawal of game as punishment, instead focus on reward. Use game time as a reward - game time with you playing alongside him. Let him earn time with you playing (because these games are often more fun with someone sitting beside you) for good behaviour/compliance. Make sure he can 'cash in' his reward as soon as possible after it's earned. This also increases your understanding of his games. Especially if he's depressed, positive motivation may work a lot better. It greatly reduces stress and anxiety, where punishment ramps it up. So o=if the anxiety is what is slowing him down, anything that increases the anxiety will slow him down more.</p><p></p><p>For acronyms see what you can find under FAQ. it's on the bar up the top of the page, the dark bar that begins with "new posts private messages FAQ..." Maybe someone could post the link - I'm useless at finding it. If I succeed, I'll come back and post the link. if someone else can beat me to it, that would be good.</p><p></p><p>OK, found it - <a href="http://www.conductdisorders.com/forum/f7/board-abbreviations-acronyms-8/" target="_blank">http://www.conductdisorders.com/forum/f7/board-abbreviations-acronyms-8/</a></p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 398982, member: 1991"] With the defiance during computer game play, I think you still need to analyse further exactly why it is happening. See if you can discuss with him (after the event) what is happening in his head at that point. We get this with difficult child 3 and it generally is because the game is at a point where he is concentrating utterly on it, and our asking him to do something can sometimes lead to a snapped response because he doesn't want to lose his concentration. It's a facet of game design, that the player is encouraged to keep playing, to not walk away. This is where more vulnerable kids (or more determined kids) find it very hard to disengage. Rather than punishing this, show him that he needs help to learn to disengage. Ask him what he needs. Think about your situation in a similar place - let's say you are changing the battery in your watch. You have the back off the watch, you have the new (tiny) battery balanced on the tip of your finger while you carefully remove the old battery, not letting the spring clip snap back too far. Just at that instant, difficult child (which means Gift From God, the child that brought you here) rushes in and says, "You've got to come now!" How do you react? Especially if he tries to grab your arm... That is how our kids often feel, when we interrupt their gaming with a request to do chores. Now, it is our right to speak to our kids and ask them to do their chores. But if we can learn to respect their space and need for timing, they will learn to respect our space and the need for timing. They also will be more willing to meet their obligations, if they know we are trying to work with them. A point to raise with your son, something I see as a concern - his game-playing seems very intense (OK, we live with that too). But coupled with his school avoidance and the increasing backlog of incompleted work, this is not healthy, it is turning into denial. He is trying to lose himself in his gaming so the pile of incomplete work screaming at him to be done, can't be heard while he is playing. The trouble is, you can't permanently shut off your conscience. And after a while it takes more and more gaming to shut it up too. Soon it won't work. The churning in his stomach must be something ferocious by now, and he's trying to use gaming to reduce it. The trouble is, tis does work, a little. But not enough, and not permanently. Try and talk to him about this, and ask him if this is how gaming feels to him, that it helps him not feel so bad inside especially about the pile of work he feels he can't manage. Ask him where he feels this is going, try to work with him to explore the eventual outcome. He will try to walk away from such a conversation - if he is about to melt down, let him (for now). But this is an important conversation, you need to have it. He needs to see that you are trying to help (as are others) and that it's normal and OK to get help. No man is an island - that means we live in society, and in society we use a lot of help. Look at your house - where does the electricity come from? The phone lines? What connects your house to the outside world? Include the road in tis. Where do the wires lead? The roads? Why are they there? Now where are his wires and his roads? Why does he try to manage without using them, when everyone else and everything is designed to work with these connections to others? Basically - it's OK, normal, acceptable and in this case desirable, to use help. Somewhere in there you need to come to some sort of agreement about the things you ask him to do. You need to give him back some 'wiggle room' even if you don't fully agree with it - let it work the way he says and see how it goes. If it doesn't work (as you expected it wouldn't?) then you revisit this with another meeting with him and discuss this. Ask to tweak your agreement again. For example, I mentioned our use of Post-It notes on Happy's thread. They may work for you. Something for you to consider - when he is gaming, he may have much greater problems with transitioning from one task to another. For example, if I tell difficult child 3 to go have a bath wile he is playing. Or come eat dinner. Both bath & dinner would go cold and he would swear blind he was never told. He really did not remember, even though he may have answered (on automatic pilot). So the post-It note stuck to the corner of the computer screen with the task needing to be done plus the time he was told, means he can't say he didn't know. With difficult children in our house, we agreed to wait (in most cases) for fifteen minutes or the first save/pause point, whichever came first. It depends on the game, but some games should not be started at a time of day when the child is likely to be called to do chores. For those sort of longer-session games - you get your chores done first before you begin them. Rather than use withdrawal of game as punishment, instead focus on reward. Use game time as a reward - game time with you playing alongside him. Let him earn time with you playing (because these games are often more fun with someone sitting beside you) for good behaviour/compliance. Make sure he can 'cash in' his reward as soon as possible after it's earned. This also increases your understanding of his games. Especially if he's depressed, positive motivation may work a lot better. It greatly reduces stress and anxiety, where punishment ramps it up. So o=if the anxiety is what is slowing him down, anything that increases the anxiety will slow him down more. For acronyms see what you can find under FAQ. it's on the bar up the top of the page, the dark bar that begins with "new posts private messages FAQ..." Maybe someone could post the link - I'm useless at finding it. If I succeed, I'll come back and post the link. if someone else can beat me to it, that would be good. OK, found it - [url]http://www.conductdisorders.com/forum/f7/board-abbreviations-acronyms-8/[/url] Marg [/QUOTE]
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