Two Years Ago

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Robinboots, Dec 17, 2009.

  1. Robinboots

    Robinboots New Member

    I joined here almost two years ago. Don't remember where I left off, but here's a brief recap:

    My son was not quite 15, two years ago November, when he just went ballistic; we had numerous police calls to our home, two false reports filed with DFS by my son - both found to be unsubstantiated. We agreed to in-home intensive therapy thru the state, which only lasted a week as we sent him to military school. This is probably in some of my old posts.

    I said from the beginning of this, actually several years prior, that there was "something" wrong with him.

    At military school, he did pretty well; grades came up, he made friends...who, of course, didn't last long - fairly typical, for him. He volunteered to work their two-week summer camp. Then he went to my mom's for a week. Pretty sure I mentioned her in some old posts - she believed everything he said, he could do no wrong, etc.

    When he came home, he told us he wasn't eating or drinking until we changed our minds about sending him back to school. Claimed he hadn't done either for 3 days and, when we couldn't convince him to eat, or get up and go to the hospital, we had to call an ambulance.

    I talked the hospital. into keeping him overnight. He was admitted at 6 into the behavioral unit - a psychiatric evaluation 8 months prior, during the police calls, found "nothing" - and by 9 a.m., the psychiatrist also found "nothing" wrong with him. They did, however, order two weeks of outpatient group therapy.

    He improved, went back to military school, was fine until just after Christmas break. There was a fire at school, started in a computer; he reported it and was the "hero" - a few months later, there was nearly a fire in my computer which he had sabotaged but of course, would not admit to. There were also, at school, his report of purchasing an alcohol-laced drink - twice in one weekend - but it was found to be no fault of the store or the machine so....

    Then he got expelled; for ordering and using tasers on some of the other students. His public school would only allow him to return to the alternative school, not his old one, and so he dropped out and got a job. Several actually, and was fired from all within 6 months. We told him he MUST get his GED. He stalled.

    More police calls. Then he hit me. This time I pressed charges, and he spent 3 weeks in detention, age 16 by now. He was released on probation and was great for 24 hours. Nine days later, he was removed from my home in handcuffs.

    The next day, he told some tales, believed fully by a juvenile officer, and was put in "protective custody". He spent a month in a shelter, then went to foster care. He was there, with one famliy, for seven months. When in juvie, they did a psychiatric evaluation - said there was nothing wrong; in the shelter, same thing.

    We had family therapy, some visits, some overnights. I kept saying SOMEthing WAS wrong. The judge ruled, over the summer, that we had done nothing wrong, but my son was kept in foster care mostly, I think, to give us a break and a chance to recoup. He came home the end of Oct.

    I should also add that he did get his GED in June, and started college classes in August. At least one of which he is sporting a whopping 14%, after finals, because he was skipping and not doing the work; I don't expect the other grades to be any better. He did go back to work again too, about when he came home in Oct.

    We thought things were pretty good. Till we discovered one lie, which led to others - basically the first 3 weeks were all a lie. THEN I was told that the psychiatric evaluation in MARCH had ACTUALLY said .........."evidence of conduct disorder and antisocial personality disorder".

    All these months, the state has acted as tho WE are the problem, WE have done it -and, God forbid, gotten all over ME for stating that the problem is MY SON. 'Cause that was "blaming" him, you see. I am sooooooooo angry with all of them.

    So, we had an expedited hearing this morning - my son was still on probation for hitting me in March. The judge was not happy. Gave him a choice of following the dang rules he laid out months ago, or going back to juvie. AND said he MUST follow any doctor's orders and treatment plan.

    This last is very important, because yesterday I took him to his pediatrician, also a psychiatrist - the state would do nothing, and allowed me to do nothing, all this time. It took the doctor reading the forms I filled out, which was basically medication. info and family stuff, a few questions like school history, expulsion, legal trouble, 15 minutes with the two of us and he said:

    "conduct disorder and antisocial personality disorder"

    And he prescribed Risperdal, .5 mg a day. Unfortunately, it's a battle to get him to agree to take it - first dose about an hour ago, suspect it will continue to be a battle. Fortunately, the judge ORDERED it, so if he doesn't take it, yes, I'll report it and yes, he may go back to juvie.

    I just don't know what else to do. I feel horrible. Sorry this is so long, thanks for reading!
  2. Fran

    Fran Former Site Owner

    What a torturous time you have had. I don't think there is a worse feeling for a parent when professionals look at you as if it's you who has a problem instead of seeing the whole story.

    I'm sorry that he has not given you a chance to breathe between his varied downward spirals.
    Your doctor has given you evidence and validates your concerns. Hugs.
    I hope he takes the medications and feels better but you have a good plan to disengage and hold him accountable for his behavior and choices.
  3. maril

    maril New Member

    I, too, am sorry and hope that (sooner than later) there will be some light at the end of the tunnel. I am crossing my fingers for success with the medication.

    It is positive that you have had/continue to have outside supports plus that you (as Fran said) hold him accountable for his behavior and choices.

    From your signature, it appears as though you're probably quite a busy mom. How has all of this affected the rest of your family?
    Last edited: Dec 18, 2009
  4. Robinboots

    Robinboots New Member

    Well...gosh, I'd better look at my siggy, can't even remember what I put there, lol!

    Our youngest is the only one at home, he just turned 12. He mostly shuts down when there are huge blow-ups, or even smaller ones. We do talk to him about it, he knows there's something not quite right; we don't hide anything, and we answer questions, but we try not to discuss the really bad/really serious stuff around him.

    My husband has a stent in his heart, from about 4 years ago; this past June he was diagnosed with kidney cancer. He's okay for now, except a mild case of just-discovered emphysema. I can't get the man to eat breakfast, so not much I can do about his other health issues! The cancer so far has not spread, he had his right kidney removed June 1. And he's mostly all recuperated from that, but it was really, really hard when my son accused him of abuse and we had all the court issues to deal with about the same time.

    Plus the estrangement with my mom and sister (the latter had nothing to do with my son, altho it didn't help); now he's taken to lying about my sister too, so we're kinda coming together over that. Go figure.

    J did take the Risperdal last night. He said he couldn't sleep, but I suspect it had nothing to do with the drug - it would be unusual, at least. Probably more likely being online till all hours, as is his habit.

    Today he seemed more mellow; his sarcasm and biotching was less cutting, and he was more conversational I guess...I have some hope, at least! And his counselor called today, to reschedule - not the most reliable guy, but the state found him, finally, 3 months after counseling was court-ordered. He didn't even blink when I told him J was seeing a psychiatrist, just asked what he was prescribed and indicated that was about right. Of course, he also said he didn't necessarily agree with "conduct disorder", more likely ODD. I was kind of like "whatever" because this guy had NO background, or history, was told nothing except what J elected to inform him. Nice, huh?

    Me? Some of my friends wonder how I'm still standing. I actually scheduled a nervous breakdown for last July, but it keeps getting postponed. Maybe January would be good time?
  5. aninom

    aninom New Member

    Oh, robinboots, I'm so there with you. We've gone through this same hurt in our family, and hands down the worst part of it was the way everything was "fine" as far as the rest of the world was concerned. Because they lie. They lie GOOD.

    For years and years all we heard was, "well, it's teenage troubles, not sure what the fuss is" or even worse, the idea difficult child had seeded that our family was the ones messed up and at fault, her being the victim. It took some bad stuff to get her institutionalized, and even then only for a month - she learned to adapt, to behave... only to revert to exactly the same behavior the moment she was unsupervised by anyone outside the family!

    The closest thing to a diagnosis we got was ASPD via a psychiatrist that'd suspected it before, but couldn't diagnose it until adolescence had passed. difficult child still doesn't have that diagnosis on paper. She hasn't gone into jail yet or permanently harmed anybody, knock on wood (and for what it's worth her violent episodes petered out every 5 years or so - she still does the same things but more seldom, and it's like the more positive stuff she's got going on the less bored/frustrated she gets, which is really the trigger. I also think she's learned to adapt / hide it better, and sometimes she'll get bored and tired of acting out, too, if it's been going on for a few hours).

    I feel lucky in that respect, and sometimes wretched for that very same reason: she's still out there, doing the same things, flying under the radar. Part of me is still hoping someone, somehow, more capable than we are takes this seriously and gets her help, however late it is. Just to be believed by someone with the authority to keep her away from us when she gets physical or severely destructive would be a nice start. I can tell you both my parents nearly went insane from hearing "nothing wrong, nothing wrong" while being scared for their lives each and every day when it was at its worst.

    Does risperdal work? What other treatment options did they offer?

    If our difficult child's really are in the same category, this is my thoughts: I don't think they LIKE hurting people (property? different ballgame). At least I don't think our difficult child does. But neither do they care one iota if they do, and they have no compunction towards hurting you if they perceive you as annoying or not subservient enough. And I truly don't think she UNDERSTANDS other people can get hurt, sad. So it's less about sadism and more about her not understanding - the recognition isn't there, it just doesn't connect. Crying, begging, etc only annoys her further, I've never seen her stop or hesitate over it, even when she took one of us to truly pitiful states. And it's not personal. You're just the safest and easiest target for frustration.

    Our difficult child has issues with authority, and even a kind remark like "how did school go" can set her off because she translates it into someone assuming her being their equal or charge. I've learned that rephrasing it like "Did you like school today?" doesn't have the same effect, since she feels it natural the surrounding world should constantly consider her feelings (as opposed to what is right or good for her, which only she can be allowed to dictate).

    You keep her busy but not stressed out, she's fine. You introduce guests, strangers, anybody she still has an opportunity to charm, she'll be great. We usually just leave the house if she's visiting and has to do something she finds tedious - getting ready, packing, that kind of thing.

    I don't know why I just remembered this, but once I found the words "I HATE YOU" carved onto the living room table beneath the table cloth. Like she wanted us to be greeted by it the next time we changed it. It feels so premeditated sometimes.

    You're not alone. And dear God it feels so good someone else understands that limbo of "nothing wrong".
  6. aninom

    aninom New Member

    I almost forgot - hope hubby keeps doing fine! And please, please take care of yourself, as well. Maybe do something fun regularly with your other son. I know I felt every single difficult child-episode very deeply, bottled it up for years, ended up with a screwy stomach and a couple of severe depressions. I'm fine now but man, would it have been nice if me and mom could have had more difficult child-free moments. It's like I never even knew her until difficult child moved away and we all breathed a little easier. Also keep an eye out for abuse against the younger son - if our difficult child's are anything alike, the difficult child might try and manipulate the kid against you, hurt them when you're not watching, use them as scapegoats, etc.

    Watch out for that. Our difficult child has manipulated us against each other, manipulated close family, extented family, authorities, complete strangers... If you're not all on the same page and prepared for this happening, you won't even notice until you're completely isolated.
  7. Robinboots

    Robinboots New Member

    Here's a website I found the other day:

    I was like: WOW!! Soooo true! Esp. this:

    "Some of the things parents have told me about their conduct disordered child are noted below.
    "If you have a child with CD, everyone will initially assume it is your fault. You will be blamed by everyone for what the child does. You may know all about Family and children services, probation, youth court, residential homes, RCMP procedures, and mental health services. "

    "You will often have the feeling that no one knows what they are doing with your child and they are just trying to pass the buck to someone who does. "

    "You can end up divorced, depressed, alcoholic, hopeless, or all of these from dealing with such a child. It will often make or break your faith in yourself and your faith in God."

    "You can see yourself where the child's problems are leading, but can be unable to do anything about it or find anyone else who can do anything about it." "

    Sent it to my mom, she said it was like a composite of J's life. She also said "I think you're right" - that was HUGE. Of course, she wavers a lot, esp. after she talks to him and gets all "confused" again and imagines that he's "really" telling the truth.

    The great thing is that he CANNOT come between husband and I. In fact, there are times husband is too lenient or forgetful, which J counts on; then again, there are times when I think husband is too hard on him. But it evens out.

    As far as our youngest, C, is concerned, J has often been kinda rough in "play" with him. There's a five-year age differenct and considerable size difference, so I do worry. Mostly J is okay with him, but of course we never leave them alone for more than a few minutes.

    What was so awful was that I had to keep going to these ridiculous FST meetings and the caseworker kept saying "no blaming, no shaming" and I was about to lose my mind! I said at the beginning, it's J, not US, not THE FAMILY! So of course, in their liberal, progressive, I'm-educated-but-have-no-common-sense, b.s mode, they interpreted this as me blaming the poor, little, 200 lb, 6-foot "child" for all our troubles.

    Hey - either he's being a jerk and can stop if wants to, or he's got something wrong that needs to be treated - duh, right??? Out of five kids, this is the only one we abuse? The family functions just fine when he's not here?? I mean, seriously?? All that alone, and they still think it's US???

    I thought he should go to an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) after detention, but no, they said there was "nothing" wrong with him - it was 8 months, thereabouts, before I found out the report said "evidence" was there; by then he was too old to go.

    It was about that same time that the idiot who took him into protective custody, and all the others involved, figured out that he lies about EVERYthing and he IS the problem. And believe me, I am educated, informed, and have been working for this the entire time. It def. feels good to find a professional who sees it too and is willing to do something about it - short answer, no other treatment/ideas/options yet, just starting the Risperdal.

    I'm sorry about yours...I'm sorry for anyone dealing with this cr*p. I'm having a hard time adjusting from "I know my son has a problem but everyone says it's my fault and maybe they're right and he's just being an azz" to "there really IS something wrong with him and he can't help it and we're going to fix it as best we can".

    Sorry about the message on your table...classic PA behavior, we get a lot of that too. I took away his computer last spring for viewing porn, and he sabotaged mine, almost caught it on fire; eerily similar to the fire started at his school, except that one actually broke out and caused a lot of damage to the building.

    I'm just tired. But hopeful. A little.