Uggggggghhhhhhh!

[JKF]

Yup - uggggh definitely describes how I'm feeling today! I'm so frustrated with easy child/ difficult child. He's been worse than ever lately. He's putting 0 effort into anything that he's expected to do. All of his grades have gone down, he's not turning in homework, he lost his math workbook, he's been lying, not doing any chores. The whole works. I really think he's been pushing my boundaries bc I've been staying calm about things that would normally make me mad. I've been doing a really good job at it too but I've noticed the calmer I am the worse he acts. He most definitely mistakes kindness for weakness but I think after today maybe not so much anymore. Because of his behavior lately he's 100% grounded. He's not allowed to leave the couch today except to use the bathroom. No talking allowed either. He has to sit in there in complete silence. The no talking and sitting where we can see him is the worst punishment to him. He hates being quiet and not being able to do anything. But oh well - he's had a million and one chances but continued to push and push and push! We were supposed to go out for dinner tonight but that's not happening. Instead easy child/difficult child will get a grilled cheese and soup and be sent to bed. husband and I will get our favorite Mexican takeout and enjoy the evening anyway. I'm not letting easy child/difficult child's bad behavior ruin our evening. My new motto is "if you don't earn it, you don't get it". I'm 100% done with this BS!

Anyway - sorry for rambling on. I just needed to vent!!!

 

[TerryJ2]

Vent away! I'm amazed he actually stays on the couch. I hope that he understands why he's there.
My son didn't get it when I stopped yelling, either. And then he was shocked when I gave him consequences. "But you weren't yelling. How was I supposed to know?"

 

[TeDo]

Since your quietness is new, he's going to test the boundaries. difficult child 1 did that. Since what he'd become used to wasn't happening anymore, he'd try (unconsciously) to get me "back to normal". Keep at it long enough and easy child/difficult child will figure it out too. Glad you're able to stick it out calmly and still issue consequesnces. His learning to listen to the words is going to be something he will need later in life. Not many bosses, teachers, or landlords are going to yell when he doesn't do something right.

KUDOS to you!!

 

[DDD]

Changing parenting styles is not for the meek, lol. Really if "you" are convinced that this new way is the right way..."he" will adapt and more than likely respond in a more positive way. It's hard to chart a new course and stay on it. on the other hand, if you are old enough to remember Archie Bunker, just remember to "stifle it". In most cases it works. Hugs DDD

 

[HaoZi]

Maybe it's in the air. Mine has been zip effort and all attitude for the past month and I just want to give up. I don't know how you keep him on the couch and quiet, it sounds like magic to me! Anything I can mete out for mine turns out to be more of a punishment for me than for her and she learns nothing from any of anyway, she just repeats the same behavior that got her in trouble no matter what I try. I'm out of ideas, out of patience, and ready to run away from home myself some days.

 

[DDD]

It's OK to want to run away. It's just not OK to run away. been there done that! DDD

 

[DammitJanet]

Wait...we cant run away? Someone should have told me that!

 

[JKF]

I wanna run away!!!! ESP since this morning is a continuance of yesterday. He was asked to do 2 small chores by my husband last night and guess what? He didn't do them. His excuse - "I forgot". How could he forget? He literally had nothing else to do except two tiny chores and he "forgot"??? If I hear him say those words again I'm gonna snap! That's his excuse for EVERYTHING!! Soooo he's back on the couch right now. No activities or talking. He knows why he's in trouble and I think he knows that if he pushes even once he's going to end up with a worse punishment. He gets to take no part in special activities like Sunday breakfast bc he didn't earn it. I'm not wasting my time cooking him a big fancy meal when he can't take 5 minutes to do his chores. Nope - not happening. husband and I will enjoy our lovely pancakes, eggs and bacon and difficult child 2 (his new title!) can have a bowl of cereal and berries. If he wants to participate in things like special meals he will contribute to this house by doing what's asked of him. He hates missing out on special family activities (esp ones that include food!) so this definitely hits him where it hurts. Taking the games and tablet away had no effect at all but I can clearly tell that THIS really bothers him!

And the best part - all of this is happening with no yelling from me or husband. We are being very calm and matter of fact and yet I think the point is getting across to difficult child 2 loud and clear!!

 

[SuZir]

You are doing great! Just stay strong. Parenting is endurance sport and you just have to outlast him. It seems you have this well in hand. Word of an unsolicited advice though; think hard before raising the stakes. He is being PITA, but he is not doing anything really dangerous or immoral. You may want to consider saving big guns to serious behaviours and using PITA level punishments to PITA level misdemeanours. And sitting in the couch in silence is very fitting punishment for PITA level issues. You just have to outlast him.

Oh, and i so well understand you with 'I forgot.' Just add 'It was some misunderstanding' and my blood pressure gets somewhere around 200...

 

[Malika]

But what if he really did forget, JKF?

 

[JKF]

Malika - he did not really forget. I don't buy that for even a second. He has visual reminders all over the house and constant verbal reminders from us! He KNOWS what he's supposed to do. What he's doing is pushing boundaries. Even his therapist and behaviorist at school think that's what he's doing. He's doing it with his teachers too. The "I forgot" and the "but I didn't know" are not valid excuses at this point with things that have been a consistent routine for years. He is in a lazy phase and doesn't want to do anything but play on his tablet or watch TV - both of which are off limits until we see an improvement in his behavior.

 

[JKF]

And it's not just him forgetting to do things. He's been actively lying lately about things too. And that's a big no no in our house. That, the bad grades, the talking back, the arguing, the "forgetting" have all added up and he's in some serious trouble now until he starts making an effort to improve. I don't expect him to be perfect but I do expect him to be respectful and truthful and try his best!

 

[InsaneCdn]

JKF... just a different perspective here...
difficult child was a real lie-teller. Big time.
Everyone was on the same page about it except difficult child.

After YEARS of mis-dxes and missed-dxes and being treated by school as a "behavior problem" for it...
The reality? "I forgot" wasn't really a lie. It was a cover up.
He was miles over his head, because he was miles behind. Has all sorts of issues and challenges that, if understood, can be accomodated and worked with. But... he was forced to create his own way of getting "accommodations"... which involved subtle and not-so-subtle push-backs.

Now when I hear "I forgot"... I start digging, because there will be a real issue, and the real issue is not his memory, it will be something ELSE but important.