ugh! difficult child upset

[Jena]

soooo tonight difficult child fell apart about her sister leaving. i knew it would come just wans't sure when.

so what could i do i held her, told her it's ok to be upset. she was hysterical at one point. easy child never came home again today.

i told her she'll always be your sister, she'll always love you this isn't about you. she has alot of problems and she hopefully will work them out someday. yet you and her will always be sisters.

i emailed easy child thru facebook and said your sister wants to say good bye to you, your being selfish and you should give her that chance. everything isnt about you. she responded by cursing me out repeatedly. so i gotta say i can't give in and get her a cell phone. i will not make this easy on her. i faltered for a second thinking i would.

now i wont.
she's also posting pics on facebook of her "new" home her cooking in their huge huge kitchen in her profile picture. she blocked me from rest of it.

so suffice it to say it's going to be a rough weekend for difficult child and she's spending it with her dad no less.

get this difficult child said about her dad. asked me to relay it to him to start the conversation:

dad unnerves me when i'm with him, he's always so anxious about everything. i'm trying hard in thearpy i even asked him are you anxious too? he said no. mom that's a lie.

she said i dont' like going to his parents house. his dad is weird makes me uncomfortable and uneasy is always asking do you love me do you love me why don't you love me? his dad is weird.

so at 12 the realizations are already forming about her dad which i thought would take years to unfold. she's really very smart.
so i told her you should tell dad. she said i'm afraid to can you relay it and than i'll handle the talk from that point on?

i said sure..... so i text him it politely let's see what he does with it.

thought i'd share

 

[Marguerite]

Jena, it is hard but difficult child has to deal with it. You said the right things to her.

I wouldn't have told easy child she was being selfish, though. red rag to a bull. It should have been enough to simply say, "Your sister is hurting, please try, for her sake, to say a proper goodbye to her." And leave it at that. Because when you make "you" statements (such as "You are being selfish" or "you are doing the wrong thing") it can be too confrontational and trigger conflict. You can still express the same things as "I" statements, such as "I feel sad when you do this." It puts the ball in her court to accept responsibility for what she is doing, your message has a better chance of being heard. And your ultimate aim is to be heard, for her to take the information on board.

About the weird grandfather - I remember when I was a kid, a (actually very nice) neighbour of ours used to say things like that to me in jest. I was too young really to be able to respond appropriately. I understood him better when I was older, but as a little kid I was scared of him. In my case he would pretend to cry when I sat on his knee (he was pretending I was too heavy for him and hurting him) and it used to really confuse me and upset me. I was glad when the day came when I could explain that to him.

I would encourage difficult child to say to her grandfather directly, "Please don't keep asking me that. Whatever I answer it will not mean as much because you asked me. Wait until I say it all by myself." You shouldn't have to intercede here for her. She needs to learn to confront her own issues, although I understand at the moment she is still very fragile. Perhaps if you supported her in talking to her dad about it, stood by her while she says what needs to be said...

As for your (alleged) easy child - her relationship with her sister is her problem and her responsibility. Don't try to run interference. Stay out of it. I know it's hard to see difficult child hurting, but you didn't do it and you can't fix it. You shouldn't try. It will fix faster if you back away. The more easy child does the wrong thing now, the sooner she will come crashing down all by herself. And sadly, she needs to crash and burn, all by herself. She must not be able in any way to blame you when it happens.

Sit on your hands. Sew up your lips. And try to smile. Plan a pleasant family dinner or outing for Sunday to take your mind off the departure.

Marg

 

[Jena]

your right i know....

husband said same. stop reaching out. it's going to take practice each day. not used to this. anyway i think it's great difficult child really is getting what all these things Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), bipolar, anxiety are. she's seeing it in her dad and his family. i've seen it for years, their all very unnerving ppl. his father well he's a creeper simply put.

as a baby she wasnt' allowed to be around him, held by him etc. he was on crack when she was born. he's a real loser. i personally get sickened at the thought of difficult child being around him.

i text my ex with all difficult child's concerns and said simply i'm relaying this you and your daughter will have to discuss it and explained she asked me to.

your right about difficult child she's going Occupational Therapist (OT) hurt, she won't sleep now worse than before and this is one huge transition for her. that's why i gotta get it together to help her out. as far as sunday as i said she'llb e spending the weekend with-dad. so i'll be at home alone.

i got a grip emailed easy child with all the numbers she'll need and she asked for her doctor's phone number, her therapist phone number, etc. i did tell her i won't be providing a phone. it just doesnt' feel right to me husband now feels the same. maybe in time my mind will change. i gotta go with what my gut says right now.

as far as the rest of it goes my family what little we have is reeling. my brother text me last night to say did you know she was going on vacation to mexico? oh sheesh no how would i know? he said well it's all over her facebook where she's giong etc. all i could think was i hope and pray this kid doesnt' get herself into trouble or hurt. 17 just turning 18 a mess emotionally in mexico.

i also hope i do not run into this mom. we know where she's staying i did some digging. she now has the life she always wanted a big huge house and imean huge, a vacation now already, no responsibilities can come and go as she pleases. she won't tank she's too backed up there. id' be shocked if she ever came back.

my ex was telling difficult child dont' worry she'll be back i promise. i said wooo wait a second she's 12 and can handle reality. do not lie to her. you have no idea and your working against me as per usual she needs to be able to get that yes easy child is leaving and yes verygood chance she won't be back. yet we'll be fine, our life will be full. difficult child has going back to school coming up, dance class alot to look forward to and shes' earned it and is working for it.

anyway thanks. like i said going to take some work.

 

[Jena]

by the way everyone doesnt' have to keep correcting me on the easy child reference to describe who i'm talking about i'm just saying easy child because that's the only way right now to differeniate between the two. easy child difficult child what the heck does it matter at this point lol. she's the kid that will no longer be living here

 

[susiestar]

I know this hurts. At least you know that easy child won't be living in an abandoned house or some crack den. I hope she learns that these people have problems the same way everyone does. I don't think they will be willing to have her live iwth them forever, esp as she has no job.

Please plan something to do on Sunday, even if it is just to go to a homeless shelter and help with whatever they need. You NEED something to do on Sunday that will get you out of the house so you don't rub the loss of easy child in your face all day. Maybe ask the horse lady if you can just hang out with the horses and groom them and shovel the stalls. I used to do that as a kid when I was really upset. Just being around them, even when not riding, helped me cope. They are awesome listeners while you cry.

I don't know this grandfather, but just what difficult child said gave me huge warning signs. You will know better than I but you may need to say that she cannot go there and if ex wants to go there then he needs to take her home to you before he does. Ex will have a fit but if he is creeping difficult child out and creeped you out to the point that you wouldn't let him see him when she was younger, then I would say it is not safe for her to be around him. I seriously doubt that ex would listen if difficult child said he made her uncomfortable. The pressure to say she loves him over and over is an early step to grooming her to not object to abuse, Know what I mean??? Again, I do NOT know if this is what is going on, but you know the man and have good instincts.

You problem cannot do that for this visit, simply not enough time. Ex will fight this and fight you "telling him waht to do", so you may need to get the therapist to weigh in. If you can, fax or email a message asking his advice on how to handle this. Most tdocs would back you up on insisting that she not go there, at least the ones I have known all would. Start (or continue) to tell difficult child that NO ONE has a right to touch her against her wishes, esp in the private areas. I used to describe it as the areas your swimsuit covers to my kids. They were told no one could touch them there and they couldn't touch anyone there unless permission was asked BEFORE they were touched. Tell her once again that if anyone tries to touch her there, or makes her uncomfortable thinking they might try to do that, she MUST tell you as soon as she can. She also should say NO firmly, loudly, and often as she tries to get away.

I am sure you have already taught her this, but a reminder before she goes to her dad's house would be a good idea. This grandfather sounds strange and like he might be dangerous to her. You are not stupid and your instincts should be trusted on this - even if they say I am wrong about this!

 

[AnnieO]

by the way everyone doesnt' have to keep correcting me on the easy child reference to describe who i'm talking about i'm just saying easy child because that's the only way right now to differeniate between the two. easy child difficult child what the heck does it matter at this point lol. she's the kid that will no longer be living here

We know, sweetheart. We're not really correcting you. LOL that's why I came up with odd names for my two. (You know me on facebook, you know that's not the right name for either of them!)

 

[Jena]

susie difficult child is so off at times....... she goes and lets all this out about her weirdo grandfather and trust me he's weird. i can't stand the guy tan difficult child goes and tries to get a hold of her grandmother and calls her dad to say i wanna skype grandma and oh does grandpa have a cell? sheesh i said to her you have to think before you do things. you tell dad one thing you act another. see my point? she was like well yea but i was bored.

 

[Marguerite]

I also would be concerned about difficult child and grandpa. Is there a chance she has already been abused? It would explain a lot.

As for easy child - I know she will think she is in hog heaven, people giving her what she wants, spending money on her (really? How long will that last?) and the lifestyle of the rich and not famous. But sci-fi author Robert Heinlein said it well. TANSTAAFL. There Ain't No Such Thing As A Free Lunch. This will not last. The rose-coloured glasses will eventually get broken and she will realise.

BUT - once you leave home, you never can come back. You have tasted independence and self-detrmination, and the most you can ever do is re-visit, or maybe stay with the folks for a while. But coming home? You never again can feel at home back in the environment you grew up in. Sis-in-law was an exchange scholar in the US from Australia when she was 17/18. She was there for a year with three successive families. When she left she was a easy child who was very close to her parents, almost clingy. While in the US she sent home taped letters so we could hear her voice; we all replied the same way. There were phone calls, a lot of communication and contact. She was a easy child who formed some deep and lasting friendships with the people she stayed with; some came and stayed with her family in Australia, afterwards. The close relationship with us all, including her parents, continued long-distance. But on her return it was clear to me, and soon clear to her, that she could not stay at home any longer. Her mother expected everything to be as it had been before she left, but she had been too independent of her parents while in the US and coming home, things had changed. She needed to move out.
Of course she often came home on weekends and holidays, stayed a few days at home here and there. But really, once she had gone to the US, at that point it was the last time she lived at home without feeling like a visitor.

I also can vouch for this. I left home with my parents recognising the necessity but not happy about it. I left to go to university and my parents lived too far away for me to commute. Even though I came home every weekend, it soon became not home for me. Increasingly, I was a visitor. It was not home that changed, but me. Same with sis-in-law - she was the one who had changed. Home was as it had always been.

So I predict that one day easy child will 'see the light' and realise she had it good at home after all. But she will never again feel quite as much at home as before she left.

Your relationship will improve. Disneyland is a fantasy. The people who love you will put up with a lot more from you, than people who have absolutely no vested interest in you. With these people, easy child will either manage to hold things together and behave impeccably (which will be good for her) or she will blot her copybook and disillusion them (then no more Mexico holidays!). It will happen, surely as the sun rises each day.

It won't happen right away. But the novelty will wear off. For them and for her. Whichever way it goes, however long it takes, it ill be a valuable life lesson that is NOT YOUR FAULT. And that will be the best thing of all.

Marg

 

[Jena]

she didnt' come to say bye to difficult child tonight. very upsetting stuff. so difficult child left for her dad's without seeing her sister for two days. unreal. no difficult child has not been abused by her grandfather, she has never been left alone with him. my ex is many things yet he isnt' stupid when it comes to that kinda stuff. sheesh that's a great seed to plant night before easy child moves out..... lol oh my god! timing is everything they say. yet no sh'es been questioned repeatedly by all experts over and over again. she's just a replica of her father, who is well depressed, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) anxious and struggling thru life. sad to say.

his dad is a loud mouth jerk always has been always will be. ex wanted to get into it tonight and i said nope you dont' wanna mess wtih me tongiht trust me i'm in rare form. leave it be and give her a good weekend and keep her away from your parents till we have time to talk when i'm rationale. right now i'm not.

 

[Marguerite]

Hugs, Jena. Keep smiling on the outside for today. Plan something nice for yourself tomorrow.

Marg

 

[HaoZi]

Mexico? She has a passport?

 

[Jena]

i think it's a cruise than you just need regular i.d. either way who cares.......... let go let go my new mantra lol.

oh you should of seen difficult child though, heartbreaking last night to see her waiting anxiously for easy child to show up and see her say good bye. it was really sad stuff. so i redirected best i could, rented movie, got her snacks. we do snacks every fri night and a movie our little routine. yet her little heart was hurting.

i also noticed and well we'll have to see how it plays out she was holding food yesterday in her mouth, using alot of liquid, food gooing out of sides of mouth like when she was sick. i said you ok? she said well if i dont' add alot of liquid it's too dry and than i'm afraid i'll choke. i took that with a grain of salt, didnt seem like attention seeking behavior due to upheaval here with easy child. i'm monitoring it and cautious.

we're also tapering down zyprexa, had to due to weight is unhealthy now too high and adding in lamictal tmrw nite. bad timing i know. here's hoping. if she gets traumatized by this and shuts down again we'll be at a loss. husband said oh no

 

[HaoZi]

http://travel.state.gov/travel/cis_pa_tw/cis_pa_tw_2223.html <---Just an FYI, though the cruise company pages I hit said differently for closed-loop cruises.

Hope difficult child can manage through this. Can CBT guy add any help for her?

 

[Jena]

well we're doing some qued relaxation stuff with her now, we are hoping the lamictal agrees with her system and helps reduce the obsessive component and anxiety a bit which activates her all the time.

right now im awaiting my daughter. gave her till 2 today told her if no email from you stating you have changed your mind and will meet me at therapists office tuesday to sign contract before re entering our home, and no you here packing your things than your stuff will be in the garage and packed up by me.

i'm so not playing anymore. i might get weak for a second yet i bounce back quick. me human roller coaster as of late

i dont care where she goes to be honest. i'm nervous about this, yet it was nice to wake up to a quiet house. normally when difficult child is with dad easy child creates some type of trauma drama those weekends for me. funny thing is dad each weekend tries to get her to go. she says i'm too old now for that i'm not a baby anymore to visit with him. oh ok lol. it's just me and my dogs today

 

[Josie]

We were just on a cruise. When you come back, they will look at passports or other documents. Per NCL, it looks like they will take a certified birth certificate and a government-issued photo ID. It is not your problem, but might turn out to be easy child's first lesson in the real world if she doesn't check into this before she goes. We had to show our passports even to get on the ship, so chances are she wouldn't even get to go, not that she would have trouble getting back in.

 

[Jena]

thanks i just hope she stays safe out there, that's my biggest concern. she isnt' very well now. yet as you said not my problem anymore. going to take alot of time to get used to that one.