ugh! difficult child's girlfriend's mom not handling this teen-sex thing well ...

[TerryJ2]

difficult child and his girlfriend were at our house yesterday. I noticed a car in the driveway, and the dogs were barking, and it was the girlfriend's mom, T. I called the kids and T started to yell and point at the girlfriend. I asked if she needed me and she said no.
Then husband overheard what it was about ... she found the girl's journal/letters with-sexual description and wanna-be acts, just like the one that difficult child had made. We found his a cpl mo's ago and I posted here.
Of course, husband put his head in the sand. "We were sneakier" or something. I said, "We were 5 yrs older--19--and I was on the pill." NOT the same! (She is 14, difficult child is 16)
So T left with-o talking to us, and the girlfriend sat down and cried.
The yelling did not do anything but make her feel bad.
husband and I plan to get together with-T, and the kids on Tuesday. I think we should come up with-a plan first, and then have the kids talk with-us.
I hate to make a big deal out of it ... sometimes that will make the kids want to go ahead and do something, but if we ignore it ...
Arrgh!
I don't know what else to do ...
someone here suggested that I just drop a pkg of condoms in difficult child's room casually.

 

[BusynMember]

LOL on the condoms.

Fourteen! If my daughters had been sexually active that young, I would have been really scared. They are still children with adult bodies at that age. Do you have the kind of relationship with girlfriend's mom where you can suggest the Pill, which is more likely to be helpful than a condom that they can both forget about.

 

[TerryJ2]

We talked today and I was hoping we could talk with-the kids together, but I told her I was afraid that it might blow the whole thing out of proportion and then they'd be obsessed with-the whole thing. She agreed. She had a long talk with-her daughter (calmer, this time) and I hope she got some things straight.
I'm seriously thinking about the condoms. I'd meant to buy them a while ago and every time I walked into the pharmacy, I'd end up getting decongestants and chocolate, and then I'd think, "What else was I going to buy?" and it would fly out of my head.

 

[DaisyFace]

Terry--

I really think you just need to focus on your son and what is right for you and your family - regardless of what girlfriend Mom does or does not do (or future girlfriend moms!).

In this instance, I would have a really frank talk with him about the consequences of sex. Pregnancy, all kinds of diseases, plus the emotional complications that come from having sex - and the regrets! Make sure he knows that is his job to protect himself! (and that's where condoms come in!) Definitely make them available somewhere in the house - like the medicine cabinet.

And if you want to speak to them both together? I think that's your right if they are hanging out in your house...

Good luck!

 

[garrison]

When my boys became sexually active, I had the talk with them about respect and what could happen and what could I do to help them stay safe. We agreed on this, I would buy condoms and put them under the bathroom sink. I would refill them as needed with out being nosey. But if I thought something was wrong, I was going to ask.
It worked well for us. When I made my grocery list I just looked to see if they needed them. They didn't have to be embarrassed and all was OK.

 

[SuZir]

We too have condoms in bathroom. And enough of them that you can't actually easily tell if any has been taken. And when making grocery list I just check if more has to be bought. husband, when having a talks about the matter with boys when they were young teens, encourage them to take and try those condoms first on their own to find out how to use them and or not it to be too awkward when they would actually need them. And yes, few ended up used as balloons. But we did want them to feel free and comfortable taking them and not thinking we would be nosy if and how many had been used.

Condoms are not that cheap at least around here and I certainly wouldn't like to become a grandmother because my son didn't have few bucks left to buy his own condoms, or because they decided to use those bucks to something else. So condoms are on our dime and we make sure not to be nosy or make it uncomfortable for our sons to visit at the stash.

 

[TerryJ2]

Thank you all!

 

[svengandhi]

When my son met his girlfriend, he was 17 and she was 14. The age difference is 2 years and 3 months. I told him that he could get arrested for statutory rape if he didn't wait till she was 16. It's not true, but I'm a lawyer and I made it sound convincing. They waited but even then, I wasn't happy. I called her mom to talk about it and she said "Oh, how sweet, they'll have beautiful children..." I freaked out and then my son told me she'd had her first kid at 19 (I was 31). After that, I told son that he needed to use protection because his girlfriend's mom was just not into caring about it. I bought him the big pack of Costco condoms and refill it when he says he needs more. He's now 23 and she's 20. He is my only sexually active child. My daughter, 21, is a virgin and so are the other boys (18, 17 and 14).

On a somewhat humorous note, a friend of theirs got a girl pregnant. She refused to have an abortion or give the baby up so their friend joined the military to support the baby. Son's girlfriend showed me the baby on FB. I asked what his name was and girlfriend, without missing a beat, said "Birth control." She's had a really hard life and doesn't want children. My daughter has had a relatively easy life and says she doesn't want children, either. All of my sons, on the other hand, say they want kids someday.

 

[DammitJanet]

I would definitely get condoms in the house immediately. You dont want to rely on the girl and the pill. Your son needs to know all about condoms and I would even get the lovely banana and give a lesson. That normally embarrasses them a bit. I do think this is going to land on your shoulders because it appears your husband is somewhat in denial.

 

[LittleDudesMom]

I totally agree about having condoms available.

*I also believe talking to your son about his girlfriend's age is very important. I didn't allow either of my children to "date" until they were 16 - not sure what girlfriend's mother is thinking allowing her daughter to be in a relationship at 14.....but make sure difficult child protects himself not just from the physical consequences of sex, but the ramifications of having sex with a girl who is still legally considered a child.

Sharon

 

[TerryJ2]

Lol on the name, Svengandi!
Yes, husband is in denial, as he was with-easy child.
And the girlfriend's mom ... she thinks if she yells at her daughter, that's good enough. She had her daughter at a very young age and then divorced immediately. Not an easy life.
I'm like you, Svengandhi, I had easy child when I was 34. We are worlds apart.
The problem is actually getting difficult child alone.