Ugh Ugh Ugh

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by toughlovin, Mar 3, 2011.

  1. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Oh Ick I am still reeling a bit from a phone call and trying to decide if I should do anything more.... So the background. My son spent his 10th grade year in a TBS out of state. He came back home for 11th grade. When he first came back he was doing really really well and was not using drugs. He met and started going with a really nice girl who was very nice and clearly really liked him and was very anti drug. The first 6 months were great. Her parents were really nice and were wonderful to him. Her mom and I became friends. At some point things started slowly going downhill.... my guess is it coincided with him started to smoke pot again but I really don't know. Anyway a whole bunch of things happened and he really betrayed her parents trust big time and eventually they had enough and wanted nothing to do with him. Her dad especially. I really couldn't blame them because if it was my daughter I would have felt exactly the same way. The mom and I stayed friends and she was very supportive to me through a lot of really bad times we went through with him. Eventually after a 2nd 6 months they broke up finally.... after a whole lot of back and froths. My son was a jerk in many ways but she also had her piece of staying in the relationship. My son was kicked out of the HS as a senior and that helped really end it. The mom and I stayed friends. So the two kids had some contact over the next year but not a whole lot. This fall when my son got into rehab I heard from the mom that he revealed some more stuff to her daughter that was very upsetting.... and I think at that point the mom lost all sympathy with my son (before this although she was upset with him she still cared about him and I think felt that underneath it all he is a good person). Since then I haven't seen her and she may not really want to be friends with me. It is a bit awkward and I understand that. It was amazing really that through all the junk we had managed to remain friends. Part of it is I get what a jerk my son can be and didn't make excuses for him. OK so now he is out of state, many many miles away and their daughter is in college. He seems to be doing well and is talking about going to community college where he is.

    So now for the ugh part. I got a call from her dad today. He is pretty upset because my son called their daughter and was blaming her for his predicament. If that is true that is really pretty outlandish and not a good sign of recovery in my opinion. Their daughter was very upset and Dad is feeling pretty protective, understandably. It needs to stop. I said I would talk to my son and his therapist and that he is far away and if he comes back I will let them know. He was nice to me on the phone, he is not mad at me, he is just a concerned dad.

    Oh Ick.... I was hoping we were past this stuff.

    So I called my son. We had a good conversation, he claims she has been calling him and he has no problem not talking to her. He did not fly off the handle at me for calling him about it (a good sign of recovery). I have no idea if I should believe him or not. My guess is they are both involved in things escalating but I don't really know. I did email his therapist. I am still feeling kind of icky though....for one thing I hate the fact that after all this time and while he is supposedly doing well I get this signal that he is not. I feel bad for the girl that she and he are still dealing with whatever. I feel bad that her parents hate him and feel he is scary and at the same time feel bad they even have to worry about him.

    Sometimes it is so hard being the mother of a difficult child young adult isn't it.

    I am wondering if I should email the girls mom just to reassure her about the steps I did take, or whether I should just leave it all alone..... that really there is nothing gore I can do.
  2. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    I would do whatever would make you feel best. It is a hard situation because they are now two adults and neither you nor her parents can prevent them from talking and/or getting back together if they really want.
  3. shellyd67

    shellyd67 Active Member

    I agree with JJJ. Just do what you feel is best. If it were me I would do a follow up with the parents. I have to say though I do think the xgf is most likely contacting him though ....
  4. Star*

    Star* call 911

    Tough -

    I think this would be very easy to tell who was pulling whose wool. If son has a cell phone? See if there is a call on it FROM xgf and what time and date. If the call was supposedly placed to the TBS? They would have a record of her calling there. The question I would have -how did she get the number, why would she have it? If in fact she had NOT called him - then there would be only HIS call to her on THEIR bill - and no outbound calls from any of their or her numbers to your son. (IF anyone had to prove or disprove whom was calling whom)

    As far as they hate you etc? I'm not feeling that at all. I think it's just like any OTHER boy/girl relationship with or without the GFGness. When there is teen drama? There is teen drama - and no parent wants to relive any part of the crying, the door slamming, the pouting, the weirdness . I mean teen girls are weird enough without the added removal of the glitter of a boyfriend whether he was difficult child or not. So in this case to be cliche'? I'd mark this up to 'it's not you it's me'. WITH the added GFGness of the drugs, drama and mental illnessish stuff? Yeah any Father could get just a teentsy more protective and pro-no-you-don't. So he's really just being a Dad, doing what Dad's do. Growly bear stuff.

    If it were me? I probably would NOT contact anyone. I don't think you 'OWE' anyone anything. It's not like they are (holds hand high up) here and you are (holds hand slightly lower) here. You both have kids, they're older, they had a relationship, for whatever reason it didn't work out, the Father called you more than likely because (and I'm with shelly67 on this) he's noticed that the girlfriend called your son - and said in a growly bear voice I WILL PUT AN END TO THIS - and since he couldn't call a rehab or tbs or whatever - he's called whom he could, and probably reemed his daughter a new one on that end - but did you notice he didn't say "and I told HER she's not to contact him?" .....So yeah - I don't think you owe anyone anything here. Just a guess of course - but it could have been something as simple as your son ran into someone and gave that person his number, and THEY gave it to old girlfriend, and she called out of 'wonder how he is' and it's gotten blown out of proportion or something. Hard to tell.

    If difficult child said - I have no problem talking to her, but her Dad doesn't like it? Well - there again he has an adult decision to make doesn't he? So I guess it's up to him. You've done your part and if it comes up again? I think I'd say - "I did call my son. Now maybe you'd like to speak to his therapist - here's his number." and leave it at that.
  5. KFld

    KFld New Member

    I totally understand how any girls mother would cringe at my son being their daughters boyfriend, I have seen over the years, it takes two!! Your son cannot be solely blamed for whatever negative stuff went on, or may still be going on in this relationship. She could not accept his phone calls, have nothing to do with him, but something tells me she isn't doing that, but when things don't go the way she wants, it's all his fault and mommy and daddy see that also.
    I would think twice about calling her mother. You know how you feel about this and what good is it going to do if you call her and she isn't all warm and fuzzy about what you have or haven't done??
    I loved my difficult child's new girlfriend when I first met her and now from what he tells me, she started using because of him and he blames all her choices on himself. Her own mother is an addict and also blames my difficult child for everything her daughter is doing now, but can't see anything she added to this. Lets see, you are 50 years old and haven't smoked pot for a whole 6 months, and my difficult child is a bad influence??? hmmmmmmm!! They are living in a hotel, my difficult child is working 40 hrs and she works 16 at shoprite and her mother blames my son because her daughter isn't eating right!!
    Maybe it's my own anger showing, but I wouldn't call her, unless you really really think it might have a positive outcome and you would feel better in the end.
  6. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Thank you for all your comments. It helped me get some clarity. I have been trying to figure out why this got to me so much.... and part of it is that my son is now 1000 miles away I thought the drama of this girlfriend and situation was really over.... so it shook me up a bit to have it come up again today. I will say these parents are really good nice people. They were really wonderful to my son until he really really screwed it up. Even after all that her mom still had a special place in her heart for him for a long time and she was really good to me. I can totally understand why they don't want their daughter involved at all with my son. They have really good reason for that. However you all are right my son is not the only party to this issue. She could totally choose not to talk to him. She probably is calling him. Star I did try looking on the phone site... but it does not yet have the calls logged from yesterday. Sometimes it does take a couple of days. I will check just for my own info to see if she called him, although I am not going to do anything with that info whatever it is.

    I wasn't going to call her mom but was thinking of emailing her. And I think I will email her just to let her know I talked with my son, he was reasonable and to reassure her he is staying where he is for a while. I am not going to get into who did what, or that their daughter may be the one making the calls.

    Thanks for all your thoughts about this. It really helped.
  7. elizabrary

    elizabrary Member

    Kat was in a horrible relationship with BD who abused her, and of course I don't excuse the abuse, but she kept the relationship going as much as he did. His mother refused to believe he was abusive. I told his sis-in-law I had the police reports and photos if she was ever ready to see the truth. She denied it and denied it. Now that Kat has left him for good she suddenly has contacted both Kat and me telling us she knows how awful BD was and she believes it all because she wants access to the baby. I do not respond to any of the letters or calls. Kat is a grown up (age-wise anyway) so I leave it to her deal with BD's mother. I figure I have enough drama with Kat herself, I don't need it from anyone on the periphery of her situation. I think most people have blinders on when it comes to their children, so they can figure things out or not in their own time. Anything I say won't change that.
  8. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    You did what Dad asked, I'd personally let them know you did and then leave it alone. You can't do anything about who is calling whom anyway. No sense in letting yourself get pulled further into the drama.

    Back before easy child dated sister in law she dated a boy for several years. Nice boy from a nice family, even though he was a difficult child. I liked the boy quite a bit, had no real issue with the "relationship" as long as he treated easy child with respect. husband and I were friends with his parents as well. Well being a difficult child..........and a spoiled rotten kid who literally got everything he even hinted he wanted (long story won't bore you with it).......he got a tad controlling with easy child while doing some roaming of his own. Eventually the relationship ended when easy child decided you could love someone and not be able to have a relationship with that person. Two years later she met sister in law.

    We remained friends with the family, and still are. I still am fond of the boy who has managed to do quite a bit of maturing despite being enabled and spoiled by his parents. But it has become a causal friendship with all of them simply because the guy still has feelings for easy child.........and it makes sister in law uncomfortable as all get out. But then I'm so used to gfgness that the boy's behavior didn't shock or appall me either........was disappointed but that was about it.
  9. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Thanks. I did email the mom and got a nice note back from her. To be honest I believe her daughter more than my son. Isn't that a sad statement? It sounds like my son used someone elses phone to call the old girlfriend and then blamed her for his problems and claims it helps him in therapy to do this. Yes she did particiipate in texting him back which was her mistake. It bothers me because this blame game of his does not sound like a healthy part of recovery and is also so typical of an abusive man. So I emailed his therapist with the info with the hope they can address these issues in therapy and now I just have to let it go. It is out of my hands. I have done what I need to do. Thank goodness by daughter is a easy child and I get the chance to really enjoy her teenage years..... I sympathize so much with those of you who have more than one difficult child!!!
  10. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I just want you to know that I'm thinking about you and hoping this turns out OK. I am going through my own dark hole right now but I know that I am not alone and that helps. We will all make it together.

  11. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    Did you tell the father that you would let him know when you had the talk with the son?
    Are the parents married?
    I probably would NOT contact the mom.
    However, if you feel strongly about it, perhaps a VERY SHORT, polite note letting her know that you are sorry things are so strained and that you contacted your son about the father's wishes and are hopeful that it might help.
    This doesn't sound like your battle, really.
    Hopefully, your son will move forward in a healthy manner...sounds like there are some good signs.Fingers crossed.
  12. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Thanks Nomad. Yes the parents are married. I did email the mom and got a nice note back. She was away when this all happened and they did not want to upset her trip so did not tell her until she got back... so that is why the dad called me. In the past it was always the mom and I communicating. Like I said these are really good nice people... I am glad they called me rather than calling the police or going to court!!! I feel now that I have done everything I could and should....yet it still bothers me but there is really nothing I can do. I think it bothers me because in essense his blaming the old girlfriend for his problems is emotionally abusive on his part and also so ridiculous. She really is not to blame for his drug use. I mean really?? However I have passed on the info to the therapist and at this point there is nothing more to do about it. I think my still being bothered is where I have trouble detaching.... at least my son is not home so he doesnt' have to know I am still bothered. :)