Ugh...What should I do now? Dad...

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by totoro, Jul 17, 2007.

  1. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    OK so for those of you keeping up with my lame dramatic life... my Father has continued to write. I honestly did not expect him to, he never has kept contact in the past.
    So he has been keeping me informed on my Aunt who is dying. Then he let's me know that his heart is not doing well... I don't know what this means? He said it is lifestyle, duh, lifetime of drugs and alcohol. He also lets me know his wife is having some issues with her blood??? I don't know what that means either.
    So he say's they are rewriting their will... they want to keep it fair. (I had been out up until this point!!!) So he would like mine and the girls info... They will split it 5 ways, I guess his wife has a 3 kids also???
    He then says in a round about way "sorry" He says he knows he can change nothing of the past but would like to get to know the girls and hear how we are doing...
    I think this has been brought on due to his sister's illness and his and his wives bad health?
    So husband thinks I should keep it honest, straightforward, not emotional, and be the big person. husband said I should be proud and feel like bragging about how wonderful and beautiful my girls are,(he made me cry). So I wrote to my Dad and told him honestly what is going on with my kids, that it is genetics etc. That I have a Mood Disorder etc. and that I hope his health is fine. I did not give him my info.
    husband thinks if he asks again to give him the girls info, if he feels like leaving the gilrs money so be it.

    He wrote back and said he was sorry for what was happening, and he was sorry he didn't help me when I was younger, he also didn't aknowledge any of the facts that he contributed to my issues... but whatever.
    In his roundabout way he said sorry without addmitting anything, and kept himself looking good.
    I kept it brief and not much emotion. He did write back and ask again for our info... I don't know if I should give it to him?
    It is just a po box.

    Am I being completely stupid writing to him??? If he wanted to meet the girls that would take a lot of thought...
  2. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    I would keep the contact to a PO box and email to protect yourself.
  3. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    Your father and my mother sound like a matched set. The big difference is that my mother and I have never completely fallen out of contact. You may have to take a similar tact to what I did with my mother. I had to do a lot of thinking about how I would handle my mother in our lives after Duckie was born due to her destructive & addiction-driven behaviors. What worked for us is that I was completely straight with her. I told her I didn't approve of many of her actions as a parent of a child, but I was willing to put that in the past. I was not, however, willing to put Duckie's well-being at risk. I looked her in the eye and said that if came down to choosing between her or my daughter that my daughter would win every time. She accused me of holding a grudge and setting her up to fail with her granddaughter, I told her those were the only terms available to her. She was to take them or leave them. No drinking or drugging around Duckie, no lascivious behavior, no trying to turn Duckie against husband and myself, no undermining our parenting. She would respect us or she would be cut from our lives. Forever. I told her I had the support of my husband, my brother (her son) & my father (her ex-h).
    It's worked so far.
  4. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    Thanks Ants-Mom and TM-
    I would not be so bothered by this but the thought of my girls getting hurt... I don't think I need to say how that would make any of us feel!!! TM you have some good ideas! I do think they sound like a pair!!!

    I just hate questioning my decisions when it comes to this. I don't think I will ever be "close" to him, but cordial is a possibility... maybe???

    I just don't really know why he wants to... I guess that is what bothers me most, he has acted like he has hated me for so long. Why now? Is it the thought that he might be dying? hmmm I just wish it would all go away so I wouldn't have to make a decision...
  5. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    I would go very carefully. I'm not sure I understand what "details" he needs of your daughters, to include them in his will? And is he likely to leave a huge fortune, anyway? Surely if he specifies something like "to be shared equally among all my grandchildren" or even "x amount to go to my daughter's children" the will would be able to be implemented.

    From what you've told us, I wouldn't trust him to not use this as emotional leverage to get under your skin again and do to your daughters what he did to you...

    Ask around to confirm his need for information for this sort of legal purpose, and also to find out how you can best protect yourselves while still leaving LEGITIMATE doors open.

  6. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    My father is an alocholic (dry for over 20 years) but is still as selfish and self centered as ever. I do not think he was physically abusive, but maybe emotionally. I have never kept the kids from him, but he has never pursued much. He tried a few years back, bought presents for holidays and called every so often for a few minutes. Then we had a falling out again and all that stepped. My father is a slimeball, will always be a slimeball, and I refuse to waste my energy on him. If he wanted to see my kids I would allow it, but never unsupervised.

    Your difficult child is more emotionally fragile than mine (I think). I would weigh the consequences. How will she (they) react if all of a sudden grandpa is around and then he is gone just as fast?

    Good luck to you. This is a hard decision.
  7. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    He doesn't know my last name. He wants their full names, he didn't even know their names and he want's our address... It would be a PO Box...

    His wife is a Mexican Citizen and I am not sure if he is? I am also not sure if the money is all in Mexico? I know some of the property is... It is close to 10million. So even though I don't want his money, if he feels compelled to give it to the girls for whatever reason... I mean it could help them in the future!!! I don't know obviously how much it would be by the time he passed away. husband feels whatever, let him give the girls some money, husband say's he will not let him hurt us again.

    Thanks everyone.
  8. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Why is he writing from a PO box? That's really weird if he wants to be in contact with you or the girls.

    If he really wants to leave something to you or the girls, he can just say "I leave 20% of my estate to Totoro and her two daughters to be shared equally." He doesn't need any particulars on any of you to do that. It would be up to the executor of his estate to get the money to you.

    I honestly don't know that I would have held it together as much as you have if I were in your shoes. My parents will be 79 this year, and I haven't had contact since 2001. We parted on very bad terms. I wouldn't know what to think of a letter like that, other than that they were trying to grease the skids into heaven by asking forgiveness. I am glad that you told him how the girls are.

    Don't let him into your life any more than you feel comfortable. Your relationship with him stands on it's own. He didn't care enough about you earlier on in your life to keep things civil enough that you would want him involved with your children. He rolled the dice and this is where he ends up. That's his burden. What you don't need it to put yourself in the position where you have to justify your relationship with your father to the girls. If he comes across now as their sweet grandpa whom you cut off, it will be a thorn in your side.

    I don't know that I would do anything more than you have already done if I were in your shoes.
  9. On_Call

    On_Call New Member

    Tough call, to say the least. If this were my situation, I would probably give out the P.O. box - I can't really think of a way that he could get any more information after that, although with computer technology, there might be a way.

    I work for an attorney - we hardly ever have the addresses of the people who are left bequests in wills, although some sort of contact information is ideal so you could be easily reached when and if something were to happen and an estate proceeding would be opened. witzend is right - it would be up to the executor to find you and make sure you received your (or your girls') share in the estate - but if his wife is the executor and she is a Mexican citizen, it may be tough for her to find you.

    If he is serious about wanting to leave your girls a gift in his will, ask him for the attorney's information - firm name, address and phone number. That way, you would be able to contact them personally in the future. They would probably hold the original documents - that's what we do 90% of the time unless the writer of the Will insists on taking the original.

    This is info for the logical, practical side of things. As for the emotional side of this whole issue for you, I'm afraid I don't have any answers, but I wish I did.

    Sending you good thoughts.
  10. WhymeMom?

    WhymeMom? No real answers to life..

    Unless you are in the witness protection program I would not give him your last name. By getting a PO box number in a particular town that soooooooo narrows down where your street address could be. If he has your married name he could easily google and get approximations of where you are. I would simply tell him you kept your maiden name and if he wants to chat use email.....

    I may be overly cautious, but you are getting by without his ten million so don't get greedy for your kids and let them earn their own ten million--they would certainly learn more along the way than having it plopped in their laps....just my 2 cents.....
  11. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    thanks ladies!!! He can find me... my brother knows all of my info. They drove by my house when they were here and for some reason??? My Brother told him after the fact. I know they can find you if it says leave everything to decendants in the will. I am trying to keep the peace. Since he basically knows my name, he just didn't know the correct spelling, I just let him know , I honestly didn't need anything, but if he felt compelled to leave my daughters something, he could.
    I don't think anything would ever be plopped in there laps, but who knows. I will try to always help with that stuff.

    I will lay low for now and see if he keeps up with the communication. Thanks Again
  12. WhymeMom?

    WhymeMom? No real answers to life..

    Sounds like a good plan....good luck with it all!
  13. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    I agree with Jamie. Get the name of his lawyer or call legal aid and find out how much info. is required for him to leave anything to your girls. I WOULDN'T GIVE SS#'s OR DATES OF BIRTH.

    People change, but a leopard NEVER changes their spots. My mom used to say "walk softly and carry a BIG stick." Go forward cautiously and cut the contact if things start looking "wobbly".

    Good luck!

  14. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Be careful. I don't trust this. It's either empty, or he's trying to make you feel he's changed by sounding nice and generous. He doesn't need the information, but it IS his way of 'telling' you he want to do something nice.

    So either he genuinely DOES want to do something nice or he doesn't - but he wants you to THINK he wants to do something nice.

    Get it? Sorry if it rambles a bit...

    What I mean is, he could be legit but it sounds like either mind games or fantasy, to me. He could change his mind tomorrow.

    And what if he decides that laving the girls something is going to be conditional on his meeting them? Just once? Or seeing them from the other side of the park? I won't interfere, honest!
    And then - "maybe I just want to meet them and talk to them, just once.To know if they're turning out OK. I NEED to know, after all the damage I did to you, that the girls aren't damaged too."

    And so on - salami tactics.

    I hope I'm wrong.

  15. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    I agree Marg!!! I really don't trust him. I think he maybe wants to be a good guy at times. But I honestly at this point don't think he knows how to. If it came down to saving himself or me, he would throw me overboard in a heartbeat... He has no real info that could hurt them or us.
    It would take a LONG time before I ever considered letting him meet them. If he doesn't like it, bye bye.
    If he ever threatens or puts conditions on the money for them, well then I want none of it for them. They will never have to know about it.
    If it one day comes to them and can help with something later on in there lives, that would be good. But I honestly am not holding out for it nor am I going to do anything to get it.
    I grew up on welfare and have struggled and husband and I have done pretty well for ourselves... money as we all know doesn't make the man. Despite what my father believes!!!
    The girls have a set of Grandparents who love them... that is enough!!! At this point in my life I don't need a "Daddy"...