Ultimatum Given, now Trepidation....

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Mikey, Jul 16, 2007.

  1. Mikey

    Mikey Psycho Gorilla Dad

    McWeedy has finally been given his ultimatum. I know it's the right thing to do, given that he's been on a serious downhill slide over the last few months. But I can't help but feel that even if he does what I want him to do, will it make any difference?

    After we came back from Orlando, I knew that waiting/hoping for "my son" to reappear so I could reconnect with him was a dream. "My son" doesn't exist anymore. That was the one defining truth revealed by our trip. With that understanding, it was time for me to do something.

    I had no choice, for my family's sake. I can't let McWeedy be the black hole that consumes the life and vitality out of us any more......

    Sarge is turning out to be one heck of a good young man - decided on pre-medication, after suffering severe disappointments over not being able to fly for the Air Force or becoming a police officer (he's colorblind). Instead, he continued to push forward until he found another goal, and went for it. Now going to school, worried about paying his bills and working his buttocks off. Making a real name for himself in a cadet program (they sent him as an "exchange student" of sorts to Hong Kong for two weeks). Could even end up with an appointment to a military academy if he keeps up the good work. He's even starting to loosen up, get a sense of humor with me and wife, and has even lightened up on tormenting his little sister. Good kid.

    Dancer is pushing ahead with her life as well. Still on the dance team, but sees nothing but endless possibilities ahead of her. Maybe cheerleading? Maybe going back to gymnastics in HS? Good student - not AP stuff, but very good overall. And is also maturing well. Didn't get an officer position on the dance team (which she really wanted), but has realized that she can still contribute to the overall success of the team in other ways. Also, she's absolutely disgusted with the behavior of some of her friends (sending nudie shots from camera phones to friends, nasty texting, sexual experimentation/flirting, some booze, etc..). Doing well, good head on her shoulders, good kid.

    Then there's McWeedy. He's given up everything good in his life. He's let go of every good relationship in his life. He's abandoned every worthwhile dream or interest he's ever had. He now lives to get high and hang out with his stoner friends. He's months behind on paying his bills, ran up a 200 dollar phone bill last month on his cell phone, and leaves work early every chance he gets (which makes his paychecks tiny). He had every chance the other two kids had, all the potential they have {and maybe he still does), but he threw it away.

    Started smoking again (cigs and pot), started acting as a middleman to help others get drugs, and is hanging out in places that are just begging to be raided by the cops. Told him all of this, he said I was just paranoid and psycho. Told him that a narcotics detective said me he would be charged as as if he were a dealer - and as an adult - if he got caught. More "hysteria" on my part, sez himself.

    I just couldn't take it any more. I was waiting for wife to get back from the left coast before I did anything. Not sure she agrees completely, but basically read him the riot act on Friday. Gave him three choices:
    <ul>[*]Go into rehab or some other intensive treatment, come out and start your life in a different direction with all the support your family can give you.[*]Not cause any more problems for the family, then move out in two months and live in your stoner nirvana on your own money and time. You'll have to pay off your car to me, get your own cell phone (if you can), get your own auto insurance (if you can), and hope that the local free clinic can help you the next time you're nearly dead from an asthma attack (assuming your stoner buddies aren't so impaired that they realize you need help before you die).[*]Stay at home, get sober, stay sober, finish school, then leave; drop dirty on a random drug test, gone. Bring drugs in my house, come home impaired, do anything illegal, I call the police and you're gone. Break the rules of the house that everyone has to live by , you're gone.[/list]Told him all this on Friday. Gave him a day to think about it. Didn't hear anything on Saturday. Told him on Sunday that he was on the clock, an that making NO decision was in itself a decision, and I would assume that he would be moving out in two months. Sunday afternoon, forced him to come home and clean the Katrina disaster that was his room, and intended to force an answer out of him then. No luck - he escaped back into the ether when I wasn't looking, then wouldn't answer his phone for 5 hours. Finally found him over at the local hookah house, but didn't confront him because of the crowd of other thugs around him.

    Finally got him on the phone, he said he'd be back around midnight. I said "no, your curfew Sunday through Thursday is 11. Be home then" and that was it. He was almost 45 minutes late, and tried to sneak into his room with his girlfriend. No luck for him. Called him in, asked him where he'd been and why wasn't he answering his phone? "Oh, I've been out with friends driving around, and my phone is on vibrate...."
    :grrr:
    "Really? According to the online phone records, you were taking and making calls to everyone but us. And I also drove by Hookah Heaven and saw you outside smoking god-knows-what with a crowd of other teens. So stop lying and try again."

    "Okay, I went to that house, smoked some, then drove around with my girlfriend". That was as much as I was going to get, since that was all I actually knew about.

    Now thoroughly inflamed, I told him again I was waiting on an answer. He looked at me like I'd just tried to explain a 4th-order differential equation to him. So this time, I reiterated (loudly) the three options, and that I expected an answer by Monday (today). I was also yelling loud enough for the girlfriend to hear every word, so that she could participate in whatever conversation he might have with her based on what I actually said, not on what McWeedy told her I said.

    Before he walked out, I also told him that I was done being his friend. I was his Dad, and it was time for me to act like one. And that whether or not he believed it, I was doing this because I loved him. It would be so much easier if I didn't love him, if I didn't care. Then, like all of his other friends' parents, I would just let him wander the streets without a care while I went and lived my little suburban dream life without his stress or giving one frog fart for his wellbeing. Much easier, but not what you do when you love someone. And it wasn't what I was going to do.

    So instead, I would take the hard road and force him to decide what road he wanted to take. He could choose the drug addiction and drug life, which was harmful to his health, harmful to his freedom, harmful to his future, and incompatible with the rest of the family. If that's what he wanted, he could do it somewhere else, on his own money and time, where he couldn't force me to watch him slowly destroy himself when there wasn't anything I could do to stop it. Or, he could decide that there was some value to being a member of the family, accept the fact that we ALL still want him as a part of the family, and start acting like a member of the family. That also means accepting that there are responsibilities both to us and himself that come with that roll. It's simple: take care of yourself, take care of your loved ones, take care of your future. However, being an active, self-absorbed, disenfranchised drug addict with no ambition and no commitment was completely incompatible with being a part of the family.

    So decide what's important, decide what's valuable to you, decide what road you want to walk, and choose!

    So now the waiting game begins until tonight.

    My only concern now is that I'll get exactly what I want. Weird, but true. If I force him into a corner to where he has no choice, will he actually get anything out of rehab or IOP? Or will it be a waste of money on my part, with the end result being that he'll just fail because it wasn't his choice.

    I know that getting any kind of help - even if it's forced - is better than letting him continue down this path. In the short term, that's good for the family because it reduces the drama and stress. But long term, will it really make any difference to McWeedy? Will it help, or will it only polarize him further so that when he can actually move out on his own, he overcompensates and takes a running leap into the abyss? I know it's his choice, but I'm still his Dad, and I still love him very much. Some connections, no matter how hard you try to practice "letting go", just can't be broken.

    I have a friend who's an IT consultant, who says that he never threatens to leave a company to try and negotiate a better situation. Once you make the threat, you're as good as gone anyway to the company you work for. Or, in your own mind you're already gone so your work will suffer. In his case, when he gets to that point, he simply realizes it's time to move on to something else.

    My fear is that maybe the same is true with McWeedy. Instead of forcing him into treatment (which he doesn't want and will only grudgingly tolerate, if at all), maybe he should just go. Then, when he's ready, he can come back and ask for the help he needs, and will get something out of it.

    No matter what, I'll probably second-guess myself regardless of what McWeedy chooses, or what the eventual outcome is. Either way, though, at least tonight I'll find out tonight which path McWeedy intends to walk.

    Wish me luck.

    Mikey
     
  2. Mikey

    Mikey Psycho Gorilla Dad

    Also, I forgot to add that another reason for forcing the issue now is that McWeedy is dropping out of the SA/ADD medical study. "It's just too hard to remember to take one pill three times a day...."

    Never mind that he could stay in the study and NOT take the medicine (they offered that). He would still get the SA counseling, but no. He gave up on the only thing left in his life that could possibly help, for what I know to be a contrived reason.

    It was one of the final straws on that back of that poor, overburdened proverbial camel. Poor creature - the one that bears McWeedy's straws must be near to collapsing now...

    Mikey
     
  3. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    Mickey, I am not critiquing please do not think that I am but I think that you give him too many choices and also that you have stated the same thing to him over and over and over again and have not acted on any of your conditions. Your difficult child has no confidence that you mean whet you say. It is like the wife who repeatedly tells her husband to shape up or she will leave but she never does and the husband never changes because he knows if he ignores her she will go away and leave him in peace for a few days, weeks , whatever.

    I am so sorry you are against a wall. But true and definitive action on your part is long overdue. you have given your son chance after chance after chance and he just blows you off. I totally understand not wanting to put him out knowing that he will sink lower and lower into his drugie world but he has to hit his bottom and staying in your house isn't going to bring that bottom up to hit him smack in the face. some people just have to learn the hard way. I think your difficult child is one of those people.

    As far as putting someone in a program that they don't buy into in my humble opinion that is just a big waste of your money and your heart. I am so sorry I am one who has been there done that. It is hard but it does get easier when they are out of the house a while. You will be amazed at how they manage to find food and shelter and still do their drugs. It stinks but the truth is you cannot help someone that refuses to help themselves. -RM
     
  4. Mikey

    Mikey Psycho Gorilla Dad

    <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body">Your difficult child has no confidence that you mean whet you say.</div></div>

    If so, he will find out how wrong he is this time. Until now, I still thought that "my son" was in there somewhere, waiting to be rescued. Now I know that to be the delusion it really is.

    McWeedy, also, knows I mean business. I won't elaborate, but I also confronted him with some "hard evidence" that would be especially damaging if it got into the wrong hands. Not legally (to him), but could be bad for a lot of his friends. He knows it's true because I related word-for-word some of what I have, and he had that "Oh S___" look on his face. I followed that up with "I talked (anonymously) for an hour to a Narcotics detective to find out what could happen if you got arrested..."

    Told him I wasn't interested in getting any other kids in trouble. Their parents are responsible for dealing (or not dealing) with them and the consequences of their decisions. I'm only interested in MY kid. To the extent possible, if he won't make choices that are in his best interest, at least I can make him think twice about those choices from now until he leaves. I will NOT have the rest of my family put in legal jeopardy (civil OR criminal) because of him. If he chooses to hang around until 18 when he can leave, at least he won't put the rest of us at risk.

    Maybe, though, the shock of knowing that I understand more of his world and his lies than he thought I did will also give him pause.

    Like I said. I'm not his friend any more. He killed that in Orlando. Now I'm his Dad. But I'm also the Dad of two other kids who are trying hard to become somthing. And I'm the husband of a wonderful wife whom I love very much. Even if he doesn't value them, I DO!, and he will not disrespect them or put them in path of harm. If he's not willing to see that, then my son is truly gone and I'm dealing with a complete stranger. And strangers have no need to live under my roof, uninhibited and uncontrolled, for free.

    Things are different now.

    Mikey
     
  5. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    I think I would tell him YOU have decided he is moving out at 18. you have a long history of wrestling for power.

    then let him beg and come up with solutions if he wants to stay, not you. he will problem wait til the last day when you start to put his clothes in a garbage bag on the porch...like I did with ant.

    it took a long time and ant hit bottom bad several times. he is now 24 and my strong stance against him looks like it has had some success. he just went away for the weekend with us to camp for the first time in years. we had a great time. couldnt have done that back when he was 16-23.
     
  6. Mikey

    Mikey Psycho Gorilla Dad

    <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body">I think I would tell him YOU have decided he is moving out at 18. you have a long history of wrestling for power....</div></div>

    Thought about that. The only reason we DIDN'T go for the "nuke-u-lar" option is because he still has one year of HS to go. I wanted to give him the option of staying long enough to finish school, but I wasn't willing to do it at the expense of allowing him to continue acting the fool.

    I know GED is an option, but I also know from experience that getting your HS degree on time is mucho better. Even if he's going to leave, as long as he's willing to abide by my rules and stay sober while at home, I'll give him the time to finish school.

    If not, then he can start on his yellow brick road to his mythical Oz (hopefully not the prison) whenever he feels like it after 18.

    I want to give him that chance. But if he takes it, there will be no deviations, and no tolerance. Even if he doesn't give a whip about his 'family', I think he does value his HS degree. Maybe that, and a stringent set of rules will keep his behavior under control while he's a tenant in my home for the next year.

    If not, I have no qualms about giving a stranger the boot, especially one who puts my family in jeopardy.

    Two months. He'll have been in school for a month by then. A lot could change between now and then, but then again, maybe not. I'll just have to wait and see, and do the best I can with what I know.

    When I know more, I'll do better :wink:

    Mikey

    Mikey
     
  7. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    ant has both a GED and a high school diploma. he has also 12 college credits. he still is working as a construction person.
    I used to be so focused on the diploma thing. not any more.

    if your son likes school and will go, it is good to keep him there. if he is drugging, he will not be able to do well at school.

    sometimes they just get better at hiding the drugging when they know are wise to them. sometimes they go to rehab just because you insist and they really do not want to give up the drugs. ant was in reform school two yrs. did drugs first day he was out. he went to inpatient and out patient rehab because I told him if he didnt go, he could not live here. he met other users at outpt rehab and left the mtgs with them to do drugs. he got more creative in his lying and use.

    I hope your son realizes what a great dad he has. good luck.
     
  8. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Mikey,

    2 things worry me.

    One is, you first gave him till Saturday, and then when he did not have an answer, you immediately gave him till Monday. Here is where I agree with RM that he does not believe you will do what you say. He will keep pushing you, daring you, and you keep giving him rope.

    The second thing is one of the choices you gave him:

    "Not cause any more problems for the family, then move out in two months and live in your stoner nirvana on your own money and time. You'll have to pay off your car to me, get your own cell phone (if you can), get your own auto insurance (if you can), and hope that the local free clinic can help you the next time you're nearly dead from an asthma attack (assuming your stoner buddies aren't so impaired that they realize you need help before you die)."

    That is so vague. Not cause problems for the family? He does not think he is causing problems now. Remember, he thinks that you are the hysterical one, and that he is normal. You would need to break that down for him. tell him exactly what he can or cannot do. Oh, and as a sidenote, I would not allow my 17 year old son to bring his girlfriend into his room when there is a 14 year old sister in the house. Because when she is 17, she will want to know why she can't bring her boyfriend into HER room. Anywyas, be specific as to what he needs to do in order to be ALLOWED to reside in YOUR home until he is 18.

    Then, he is to be out of the house (YOUR house) on his 18th birthday. By the way, why would you send him out with a car that he has not finished paying you for? Or a cell phone that is in your name? OR tell him that he has to get his own auto insurance...if he can? You want him to know you mean it, toss him out on his McCulo, no phone, no car (until and unless he has finished paying you for it, and if he is, he can get his OWN insurance). Tell him he can get his car back when it is paid in full.


    Ah Mikey. This is so tough. And you are so strong. This is really sucky though. Good luck to ya, we are all here for you.
     
  9. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    BBK beat me to asking and saying what I was thinking. You have til Saturday to give an answer. Oh, no answer? Okay, Monday then. Sorry, I wouldn't take you seriously and I'm a pretty reasonable/reasoning adult. So, you know stuff about his druggie friends. Big deal. You've admitted you're afraid to do or say anything about them. You can't blame him for not believing you mean it.

    If McWeedy has to have a cell phone for your comfort, get him a kiddie phone -- one that you put in what numbers he can call. Let him contact his buds some other way.

    Quit paying for non-necessities!!!! He doesn't need a car, a phone, nice clothes. For now, he needs a roof over his head, food in belly and clothes on his back. Goodwill clothes are just as good as Tommy clothes.

    You have two months to show him what his life will be like if he does not have family support. It is time to quit talking and start moving. Clean out his room. A mattress on the floor is really okay. He doesn't need a tv, puter, games, nice clothes, cool shoes, hair gel. Unless he paid for them with money that he earned or were given as a gift, they are your property. Take them back. He's not home for family meals? Fine, he can scrounge food from his posse. He can take public transportation to work or maybe he can buy a used bike with his next paycheck.

    It really is time to quit making excuses and walk the walk. Skip the talking. As Nike says, JUST DO IT!
     
  10. Mikey

    Mikey Psycho Gorilla Dad

    <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body">By the way, why would you send him out with a car that he has not finished paying you for? Or a cell phone that is in your name? OR tell him that he has to get his own auto insurance...if he can?</div></div>

    I wouldn't - that's the point. If he leaves, he either pays for the car in full or I "repossess" it and sell it for the balance. If he does pay me for it, he has to get his own insurance (if he can). If not, then he either doesn't drive, or he takes the chance and drives without insurance. Same with the phone. When he leaves, I cancel the account (he paid for the phone). Good luck on getting anything other than a very expensive pre-paid plan with no credit history and no credit card.

    No, he wouldn't leave with those things. I was reminding him of what he wouldn't have - and would have to pay for himself - when he decided he was a big boy and didn't need his psychotic parents meddling in his affairs any more.

    Mikey
     
  11. Mikey

    Mikey Psycho Gorilla Dad

    <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body">BBK beat me to asking and saying what I was thinking. You have til Saturday to give an answer.</div></div>

    That was my fault. Talked with wife over lunch about the whole mess, and it seems I was a little vague on Friday with McWeedy. She remembers the deadline I set as "sometime this weekend", not Saturday.

    Given that, I guess I can't fault McWeedy for waiting as long as he can, and avoiding any situation where he could be forced into making the choice. Last night, the only reason I gave him 'till today was because it had been two days since we last "talked", and I was certain that the choices he was to select from had, in the immortal words of Tommy Chong, gone "up in smoke".

    So I reminded him - again - of what the choices were. And this time, gave him a very definite and forceful deadline of the next day.

    Hang this one on me, folks.

    Mikey
     
  12. jbrain

    jbrain Member

    Hi Mikey,
    agreeing with the others here that you keep giving him more chances. But just wanted to say that you don't have to give up hope even if he does move out, keeps being a stoner, etc., appears to have given up on his life.

    My dtr did all those things but she decided to make a fresh start and I think she's doing okay now. When I think of where she was just a few yrs ago I know she is doing much better. She was a terror from age 13-18--was sent to an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) and then a rehab during that time--didn't seem to really do any good but you never know what she took away from her experiences. I think the 2nd rehab did get her off hard drugs though she still smokes pot and drinks I think. But once she realized we were done financially helping her in any way she picked herself up and she works and supports herself now. She doesn't have to rebel anymore, we don't have any power over her and she likes being independent. I enjoy my relationship with her--it isn't as "close" as it used to be but that's fine--that closeness was also dysfunctional. We talk every couple of weeks and see each other ocasionally--she is always very nice to me and interested in the whole family. She is only 19 yrs old, should have graduated high school this year but dropped out in 9th grade and got her GED a little over a yr ago while in rehab.

    I thought we would be estranged forever or that she would be dead or that she would just live on the streets--all those seemed like valid possibilities at various times in her life.

    Don't give up hope!

    Jane
     
  13. Mikey

    Mikey Psycho Gorilla Dad

    <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body">You've admitted you're afraid to do or say anything about them. You can't blame him for not believing you mean it. </div></div>

    That's in reference to "Hookah Heaven", the place where the Dad smokes with his daughter and all the potheads go to party. What I'm talking about is more specific info about some of his friends that, should their parents "get hold of it", would really put a damper on their upper-crust WASP elitist lives. These parents don't care what their kids are doing, as long as it doesn't affect them or their little isolated rich world. But if their kids somehow become the flavor of the day for the local narcotics department, then they'll notice in a hurry.

    That's a little different. I told McWeedy I'm not interested in getting other kids in trouble, but I'm not above removing some of the "temptations" in his life if he continues to live at my house, disrespect our family, and do things to put both himself and us in various forms of jeopardy.

    Ultimately, the sad truth is that he'll probably struggle or fake it for a few months, then move out. His call, but I won't let it be said that I kicked him to the curb. I have given him every chance to change, given him every opportunity to seek the help that he needs, and given him every warning I possibly can about the consequences of his actions. If, despite all that, he finally walks away to continue his path of self-destruction, then the only thing I'll have left is the knowledge that I did everything I could.

    I don't want to spend the rest of my life playing "what if" games. If he leaves, he turns his back on us after we did everything humanly possible. I won't like it, it'll hurt like the dickens, but eventually, I'll learn to live with it. If I don't go through the effort, and something bad happens, I'll end up blaming myself for the rest of my life with "what ifs".

    Mikey
     
  14. Mikey

    Mikey Psycho Gorilla Dad

    <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body">...was sent to an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) and then a rehab during that time--didn't seem to really do any good but you never know what she took away from her experiences.</div></div>

    That's the conundrum I face. I work with someone who was "forced" into inpatient rehab when he was 16. He said he learned some hard lessons there, but that the lessons didn't mean anything until he was older. He got out, fell back into the same old routine, then found himself kicked out and a single Dad all at the same time a few years later.

    He was 22 before he gave up drugs. While the rehab didn't help him at the time, he said he carried the experience with him until he was ready to accept the lessons he'd truly learned when he was 16. Without the rehab, he said he might have been much older before finally trying to get his life back in order.

    Who knows? I'm starting to think it's all just one big roll of the dice, so why not load the dice to improve the odds a bit. Leaning towards forcing him to rehab, whether he wants it or not. Maybe it'll help, maybe not. But doing nothing won't help, and putting him out the door isn't much better. In fact, my Bro told me the other day that one of the main reasons he relapsed back into drugs was the lack of any coping/management skills (he never got rehab), and the lack of a support structure when he got out of jail.

    Even if it's force-fed, maybe McWeedy will take something away that will help him. Maybe not now, but in the future. Or maybe it'll simply reduce the chances that something bad will happen. Loaded dice don't always give you the combo you're looking for, but you have a better chance of getting the 7 you're hoping for with them than without them.

    Mikey
     
  15. skeeter

    skeeter New Member

    Hi Mikey -

    I've not responded to your thread before, but I have read them.

    I'm still a little confused. You stated he's "way behind on bills", but he still has a car and a phone. Why? Does he have a bike? Do you have public transportation? He doesn't need (or deserve) a car, especially one that is in your name. If he's not driving, he doesn't need a phone, either. Or as already stated, get one that can only call 911.

    Also agree on nuking his room. A mattress, and boxes and/or hangers for clothes is all he needs. Oh - and he does his laundry, too, or he has no clean clothes. If you must buy him toiletries, make them the cheapest possible.

    Make sure there's always PNB and bread in the house, so if he misses meals, he knows that's his option. And that's ALL he has for an option - no eating the families left overs.

    I'm sorry, but it seems that your son still has at least some of the "good" life. He needs to realize just what he needs to do to be a responsible adult.

    I know it's tough, and I know you'll have arguments. When he proves trustworthy, you can start talking about reinstating privilages. Not before.
     
  16. Ephchap

    Ephchap Active Member

    Mikey,

    You've come so far in your thinking since you first joined the board.

    Back when you first posted, I said that in my humble opinion, nudging/forcing treatment (as we did with our difficult child - twice) was better than no treatment at all. At least he'd have the knowledge and the tools, and I would know that I'd done everything in my power to save him from himself.

    I also told you that my line in the sand was the drugging - that I wouldn't be as concerned with his curfew as I would be with his drugging.

    I have never been one to advocate throwing a difficult child out of the house, unless there is no alternative. Every circumstance is different. I know in my heart and in my head that if we had done that at the height of our son's drugging (which was a two week stint with marijuana and then 6 weeks of crack cocaine), he would have died. He was just turning 17.

    Unfortunately my plans didn't quite save my son - as the short-term treatment facility released him before the long-term facility had an open bed and he was arrested that night and charged as an adult with a felony. Yes, a barely 17 year old can be charged as an adult, and is, at least here in Michigan, and in some other states too, I think.

    That was then. Upon returning home at the age of 18 from the Residential Treatment Center (RTC), my son knew in no uncertain terms that if he began drugging again, that he was out the door. No second chances. No how, no way could I live through that again.

    I think you've come to terms with what many of us were trying to tell you back in March and April. Back then, I think you were taken aback a bit by what many members had to say. It's hard to accept, I know, but many of us were just trying to spare you some of what you have gone through. Like you, I kept thinking that if I could just love him enough, or get through to him, that he would change. Sadly, only he can make the change when/if he wants to.

    I think the options you've given your son are very good. You've put the ball in his court, and it's up to him. You've made it very clear to him that you're his dad, not his friend; and that you and your wife will not tolerate his drugging.

    If there is a dual-diagnostic residential treatment type facility that you can get him into, I would nudge/push/force/whatever it takes to get him in there. There's no guarantee that will work, of course, but you'll know that you've done everything humanly possible to help him, even if he doesn't want to help himself.

    Hang in there.
    Deb
     
  17. hearthope

    hearthope New Member

    Mikey ~

    My son was forced into rehab. We had to do it before he turned 18.

    I don't know about all states, but I believe in 2 mths it will be out of your hands to force treatment of any kind.

    I did it because it was my last ditch effort to help him. Hopefully one day he can wise up and use the tools he learned to turn his life around.

    Beds are scarce and waiting list are long... 2 mths is a very short time.
     
  18. Mikey

    Mikey Psycho Gorilla Dad

    Okay, so now I'm in a bind.

    Talked to the head of the medical research program today to tell them that WeedWhacker wouldn't be coming back because "it was too much of a hassle to remember to take three pills a day - morning, noon, and night". She said "are you sure? Can I talk to him about it?" I replied "of course you can, assuming you can get him to answer his phone".

    She explained that they really wanted to keep him in the program, and could work around his issues with the medications. She could also tell that there was something wrong, and I ended up telling her the whole story. In fact, I asked for some help in selecting a treatment option, should he decide to actually go that route.

    Surprise, I got jumped by her on the phone! Not meanly, but she was pretty upset that I was letting my anger interfere with his treatment in the program. "Excuse me, his treatment? I thought this was a medical study". She replied "Please, sir, don't confront him on this. If we can talk him into coming in for his appointment tomorrow, let us handle this. This is what we do, and we're good at it."

    She also related that they drug test him every week, and while they cannot discuss the results of the tests or the "treatment", if they discover anything that they feel is outside the realm of what the study can handle, they'll notify me right away. "And sir, we haven't done that yet, have we?"

    Okay, now I'm intrigued. After some arguing, er, "discussion", she convinced me back off and give McWeedy the night off if he'd go in tomorrow for his weekly appointment. I didn't tell him that, but if they called and convinced him to go, I wasn't going to push it tonight. They called, and somehow they convinced him to come in. So I called him a little later and asked him to come home at 9:30. You'd have thought I was asking him to cut off his right hand. It's summer, for blankety blank blank.... Argument, vitriol, rightous teen angst, yadda yadda. But the end result wss that he said he'd be home.

    So I planned a nice dinner for the four of us. Thought I'd defuse the situation by cooking salmon, and maybe going out for Cold Stone ice cream afterwards.

    But right on queue, McButthead screws it up. It's now almost 10:30, and he's still not home. It's all I can do to not pound the keyboard into plastic shards as I'm typing. Control my anger so it doesn't interefere with his treatment?
    <span style='font-size: 14pt'><span style='font-family: Comic Sans MS'> ARGH!!!!</span></span> :grrr:

    And just now, he calls and says he "forgot", but could he spend the night at one of his friend's house? One of the Pothead posse, of course. I lose it, and yell "H__ NO! Come home NOW!"

    "Why do I have to?"
    BiPolar (BP) is climbing, temp is rising, paper in my general vicinity is starting to spontaneously combust.....

    "Why? I don't think you quite understand, do you? You were supposed to be home an hour ago. You didn't show up, then give the standard stupid excuse of "I forgot". And then, you follow it up by asking to sleep over when you were already told you couldn't do that. At what point did you lose track of the fact that you were actively disregarding what you were told to do? And then you have the audacity to ask for a favor you've already been told you couldn't have?"

    What bad crack has this kid been smoking?

    This is the problem that no therapist, doctor, shrink, or shaman witch doctor understands. McWeedy is a master at making them all think that he's just a mild mannered, misunderstood, gentle soul who likes pot and has a nazi for a father and Lizzie Borden for a mother. That's all we hear; what a wonderful kid he is, how nice he is to work with, what a pleasant personality.

    Blech. I want to barf. That's not my son. It's yet another mask he wears to fool people and manipulate them to get what he wants. Somehow, he's come to feel entitled to a life of privilege, where his family alternates between being annoying obstructions, personal servants, or bankers - whatever he happens to need at the moment. Yet he has no desire whatsoever to contribute anything back into the family.

    But nobody gets it except you guys here. Not even this supposedly "world class Residential Treatment Center (RTC)". They asked for one day. Okay, siince it's too late now to do anything meaningful anyway, they get one day, and then they better explain to me how they plan to deal with this situation. The only reason I don't toss McWeedy out on his duff tonight is because this Residential Treatment Center (RTC) is supposed to be a "recognized leader in the midwest for treating adolescent substance abuse", blah blah blah. Okay, they've called me on the carpet for being angry and "interfering", and claimed that I needed to back off and "let them work with him". Now they better come up with a plan and convince me it will work.

    Until then, I'll try to keep my BiPolar (BP) under control so my eyballs don't launch from my skull like squishy projectiles of death when I see my dear, loving son - if I see him at all tonight.

    :grrr: :grrr: :grrr:

    Mikey

    PS: One good thing that the lady at the program suggested. While I can't find any "normal" reason for committing him against his will to an Residential Treatment Center (RTC), she suggested I talk to their intake center at the hospital about the fact that he's smoking again. If his regular doctor told him that continuing to smoke could bring on another serious - possibly fatal - asthma attack, and that he's still smoking both cigs and pot, then that could be considered somewhat suicidal. At a minimum, he's engaging in behavior that's dangerous to himself, and it could be enough to get him locked in for a while. Whether that would do any good, I don't know. But it's an interesting thought.

    PPS: why I agreed to do this, I don't know. I had everything worked out, but it all went to pot. No wait, I better not mention the "P" word or McWeedy will come running...

    :faint: :grrr: :faint: :grrr:
     
  19. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Mikey,

    I don't understand why your son has a phone at all. You clearly said that you know that he was ignoring you while calling and talking to his druggie friends.

    Same for the car. You know he is a substance abuser and putting himself and others at risk. Yet he is out there driving a car. Is it in your name? Do you realize that you could be sued if your son hurts someone while high and driving your car?

    I'm with the others. It's time to cut him back to the bare necessities.

    I understand your focus on school. I was the same way with my difficult child. I put up with alot so that she would graduate on time. Like Janet's difficult child, she has also finished a year and a half of college.

    So what is she doing right now? Delivering pizza for a living. Looking back, I wish I had had the strength to put treatment ahead of school. In the long run, she would have been better off.

    I know how hard this is to do and I don't want to sound harsh but we keep hearing about ultimatums but nothing seems to change. I have a feeling your difficult child is thinking the same thing.

    Be strong, Mikey. We are here to help.

    ~Kathy
     
  20. Mikey

    Mikey Psycho Gorilla Dad

    <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body">You've come so far in your thinking since you first joined the board.</div></div>

    Yeah, I guess I have. And I don't know if that's a good thing or not. :rolleyes:

    When this started, I was a huddled mass of fear, hostage to my son's whims and terrified by the fact that he might run away. Lordy the things that might happen to his poor, innocent soul if he was out in the world all by himself.

    :rofl: :rofl:
    Yep, I've come a long way since then.

    Now, I'm just angry. The son I thought I'd lose if he ever ran away from home is, I now know, already gone. Checked out a year ago or more, replaced by this manipulative, pothead zombie with the mental powers of the Shadow to "cloud men's minds". Not mine, not any more.

    I should be sad about this, but I'm still too dadgum angry. A year ago, the thought of him leaving reduced me to tears. Now, I'd be pretty close to tears of joy if he carried his duff out into the world. Then he'd find out just how hard it is to make a living for yourself, much less for others in your family.

    And even though he'd never admit it, he just might finally understand how much love you have to have for someone to sacrifice and provide for them the way we have for our children (and the way most other parents do for their children, too).

    So yes, I have changed. Where there was fear, now there is anger. And resentment. And betrayal. And a profound sense of loss for the child I loved. I still fear for him, but I no longer fear his leaving as much as I fear his staying and continuing to passively victimize us like a leech that cannot be removed.

    Is that progress? I dunno. It's a change, though. Whether it's for the better remains to be seen. Fear is damaging and debilitating, but so is anger and rage. Ultimately, neither are good for you. But so far, McWeedy hasn't seen fit to act like a semi-rational human, nor has he given us any reason for anything but anger and resentment.

    At some point, I hope that changes. For now, though, it will have to suffice. At least anger allows me to act, where fear kept me hostage. I don't think McWeedy is going to like the monster he's created. But after all, he's worked so very, very hard to craft my image exactly the way he wanted it. In fact, I'm only becoming he person he's already told everyone I am! And as his loving father, I shouldn't disappoint the poor child, should I?
    :crazy2:
    Mikey
     
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