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Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by twistedfrog, Jul 24, 2007.

  1. twistedfrog

    twistedfrog New Member

    Just found this place and am not sure where to post this so thought this forum would work.

    My husband and I have been dealing with our daughter and her issues for so long now that it has started to have a negative impact on our marriage and our son.

    Let me back up a bit.
    Our daughter was daignosed with ADD/ODD when she was in the third grade. She is now 16. We have gone through to many tharapist to count. She has always been able to manipulate them like you would not belive. She actually got one lady to tell us it was okay for her to like and steal and we as her parents shouldn't put her in a positon to have to lie to us.

    Over the years things have just gotten worse. She is now on probation for 2 years for stealing. Doesn't seem to phase her in the least. She refuses to do her community service or anything else she is required to do. The court told her she had to get a job so she could pay her court cost.( they won't let parents pay)
    She has had two jobs in the last month and lost them both. True to the ODD though its not her fault.

    I had to go home from work last week and have to the police come out and talk to her as she got into it with her father. Didn't phase her a bit to have an armed cop walk into her room and 11:30 at night. We had cut all access to the internet after finding out she was getting online and trying to hook up with 19 and 20 year old men on My Space. Now I discover tonight that she has somehow gotten the password to the computer at home and getting online when I am asleep. ( I work nights)

    My husband feels like he is a failure, and I just feel like crying I am so frusterated. He had a heart attack in March and I worry for him when he gets so upset with her. He can not stand to be lied to and that is about all our daughter does when she talks to him. When she lost her job she asked me not to say anything to him. I told her she would have to tell him and her P.O. I had to tell the P.O. and found out that tonight when he asked about her job, she stood there and lied to his face. So I told him what happened. Or rather what I was told happened. He got upset with me, felt like I lied to him. That was not my intent at all. I wanted to give her a chance to tell her father herself.

    I have actually gotten to the point I am ready to just let the state take her and raise her for the next 2 years. Our son stays in his room most of the time so he doesn't have to be around her. He is 12 and won't ask friends over or anything. We had to go to Denver this week end and I had to get a babysitter for her. (she ended up being put on EHM for going to the library and getting on the computer when she said she was out looking for work.) She actually thinks its cool to have all this going on.

    She was evaluated for bipolar and they said she is depressed!

    Sorry this is so long winded. I just really needed to vent and try to find some way to deal with this child. I love her dearly but right now I don't like her very much and really don't want her in my house.
    froggy
     
  2. judi

    judi Active Member

    Hi there! Glad you found us! I have the male version of your daughter - lol! It is very hard to get help for people who don't want help as you know. Has she been hospitalized? That doesn't cure things at all but might give you some breathing room to decide a next move. Is there a relative she can go to live with temporarily? How does she do in school? Sorry for all the questions right up front.

    I've been here since my son was 15 and he is now 22. It is very hard and very taxing to parent kids that don't want parents - lol. The best thing I've learned here is how to detach. It doesn't mean that you don't love them, it just means that you refuse to get sucked into their chaos. Others will be along soon.
     
  3. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    Hi Froggy & welcome. You are sooo not alone anymore! I'm going to move this thread over to our General forum, please look for responses there. The Watercooler is for off topic threads (recipes, entertainment, etc) rather than about our kids.
     
  4. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hey Twisted! Glad you found us.

    At 16 you are heading into a small time window to get help for your daughter.
    Has she ever taken medications? How is she in school?

    Has the court approached you with a PINS yet? Parent in Need of Services? It would put the court in charge without giving up custody. Basically a judge would give difficult child her rules and have to follow up with him if she did not follow them. I am talking curfew and other household rules - not just illegal stuff.
     
  5. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hi Twistedfrog!

    Welcome-I'm glad you found us but sorry things are so hard right now. You have found a warm, supported, place to be. by the way, I love the name twistedfrog! Hugs.
     
  6. lynnp

    lynnp New Member

    Hey good luck, there is a great deal of wisdom around here. I am learning every day. Judi is right. Detaching is imperative but so difficult!
     
  7. jbrain

    jbrain Member

    Hi Twisted,
    your dtr sounds much like mine was at that age (she is now 19). She too had her therapist twisted around her little finger and we were trying to do what the therapist told us to do (such as my husband changing his work hours so he could drive her to school since she wouldn't go on time by herself). The more we tried to accomodate her the worse she treated us. We ended up sending her to residential treatment when she was 16 and she did well there but relapsed after coming home. When she was 17 she was basically living on the streets and doing drugs. She was arrested and sent to rehab. When she was 18 she moved out and did a lot of stupid things but now she is 19 and has a job, an apt., is totally financially independent from us and very nice to us.

    Along the way we depended on the "system"--we filed a PINS on her (person in need of supervision) and she had a probation officer to report to. We documented every violation--staying out past curfew, not going to school, not going to therapy, etc. She had rules to follow and we knew she would not follow them but we had a higher authority to follow through. It took time--many violations before they decided to arrest her and ask the court to send her to rehab.

    I would say you need some sort of outside help--she does not recognize your parental authority. My dtr didn't care what consequences we gave her--we took everything away from her and she just didn't care--just ran away. Rules meant nothing to her and she lied to everyone too. We had to just keep reporting her violations and let the police and court handle it from there.

    After rehab she was nearly 18 and she moved out of our house. But, she kept finding ways to get money from us and she would sometimes come and stay for a few weeks. Finally we wised up and really kicked her out and quit providing any sort of help for her. That is when she started making real changes. She is now independent and we have a pleasant relationship. It doesn't matter if she lies to us or not because we have no stake in what she does. The lieing used to bother me tremendously, especially because it impacted what we did for her. I felt used--she would lie to get money from us and when we found out she lied we felt dirty and betrayed. Now when I talk to her she tells me things but I don't really care if they are true or not--it is such a relief! I can take her as the person she presents to me, nothing more, nothing less.

    HOpe this may have been of some help--
    Jane
     
  8. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Hi Twistedfrog, welcome.
    So sorry for what you're going through.
    Wow, what a long list of psychs you've been through. The one who said it was okay for your daughter to steal should be given a job on the streets of Calcutta!
    I agree that you need outside help here. You and your husband need support, structure, and time off.
    Good luck.
     
  9. twistedfrog

    twistedfrog New Member

    Not sure about the PINS thing here. She does have a curfew with her probation. She has to be in by 5 pm. She has been on Adderall and Concerta in the past as well as Celexa. Was just recently put back on the Celexa.

    I tend to avoid telling husband things cause I know he is going to go balistic. He gets upset and tell me he can't deal and then when I try to deal with stuff he just keeps picking at it. I know its out of frustration, but it makes me NUTS!!

    She has never been hospitalized, but we are seriously thinking about something along those lines. I have had to start coming home from work early so that when husband leaves in the mornings she is not left alone. I work nights and have come to the conclusion that I don't dare sleep during the day until husband is home from work. That lets me get maybe 3 or 4 hours sleep before going to work.

    I am swiftly reaching a point where I just don't care anymore. If she wants to end up in juvinal hall or jail then its her choice.
    Glad you like the name wiped out... :smile: I really am reather twisted.ehehehehe I think its a defense mechanism:D
    froggy.
     
  10. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I'm surprised she hasn't been tried on a mood stabilizer. If she has any sort of mood disorder, ADHD medications and antidepressants will make her worse, not better, and can make her more disinhibited and less apt to listen to you. You have only a few years before she's "out there" with her mental illness. I'd give an evaluation one more try. in my opinion she deserves to at least have a trial of mood stabilizers. It could be that she's been misdiagnosed. If she's never seen a neuropsychologist, I'd try that as a last resort. THey tend to be very intensive and very good.
    Do you know if she abuses substances/drinks a lot?
     
  11. twistedfrog

    twistedfrog New Member

    That is what chapps my hide. She is on probation for stealing. I had a friend renting out my basement and difficult child went down there and went through her stuff and stole like 300 dollars worth of makeup and jewelery. When the cop went with me to school and pulled her out of class it didn't even seem to phase her. All I could think was WOW! If a cop had pulled me out of class I would have had to go home and change my undies, let alone what would have happened to me if my mother had to come to school. I feel my backside burning just thinking about it. :crying:

    When we lived in Missouri she pulled stuff like this and they just told me that until she steals from someone outside the family there was nothing they could do. I was horrifed when she stole from my mom.
    She has husband's parents convinced that we are just mean to her. They couldn't understand why I let my friend press charges against her. They still blame Sarah ( my friend).

    Just got off the phone... found out why she lost the most recent job. Wasn't because of the attitude. It was because the EHM braclet she has to wear. She has to be in the house by 11pm and sometimes she is required to work later.
    Froggie
     
  12. twistedfrog

    twistedfrog New Member

    I am going in to talk to her councler this morning. I think I will mention the mood stabilizer. As far as I know she doesn't have access to drugs. As far as drinking I don't think so. Maybe I should monitor that as hubby and I do have a few now and then.
     
  13. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    I just wanted to welcome you and let you know that you have come to a great place for support!!!
    You will also be a great source for those of us with youngsters... so don't feel helpless. I know some days you may feel lost, those are the day's I come here!!!

    Welcome...
     
  14. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    hello and welcome. you are among friends who undertand and been there done that, some of us still doing so.

    let your daughter face natural consequences. offer medications if the doctor RX's but she may refuse anyway.

    sorry your life has been so hectic. of course you are both stressed, it is never ending.
     
  15. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    by the way your friend did the right thing and so did you in turning her in. also been there done that and would do it again.
     
  16. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Sadly, ALL kids have access to street drugs from their peers. My daughter started using drugs at twelve, and I hadn't a clue. She was good at hiding it--at first. Her behavior took a turn for the extreme worse, however i thought maybe it was an emerging mental illness, and she fooled me up until she got busted for pot. Then I thought it was just pot. Now that she cleaned up her act (it can happen!!!!), she told me she did every drug around, including trying heroin. She mostly abused ADHD stimulants--beware that they are easy to get, kids can fake ADHD, and that they have high street value (daughter said one Adderrall is $10). They put them in pill crushers and snort them, either alone or with other drugs. That was my daughter and her friend's drug of choice, but they'd use Ritalin, Concerta, etc. if Adderrall wasn't around. I didn't think my daughter drank either, but she did both. It didn't help that I'd been such a prude as a teen. I didn't know what drug abuse looked like. Grrrrrrrrr. Anyways, you may want to give her a surprise drug test to see if there's anything in her system. Pot is often a red flag that more than just pot is being used, not that I think pot is ok. I don't!!!!
     
  17. twistedfrog

    twistedfrog New Member

    *giggles with evil glee* that is where i have her over a barrel or should i say pee cup... hehehe radom drug test are part of her probation.
     
  18. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Welcome Froggy!

    You have found a wonderful place (as has been mentioned before). You seem to be halfway there, by saying that I mean you are ready to do tough love, whatever it takes. I am so sorry that you are going through this (boy, we sure didn't sign up for this when we decided to have kids, did we?) but you are in good company. Hang in there, keep us up to date on progress, come to us with concerns, and take care of yourself and your family.

    ((hugs)) prayers and a warm welcome.
     
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