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Ummm....What Do They Do in the Military Again???
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 358311" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Get a copy of "Private Benjamin".</p><p></p><p>If she wants to know how much it would cost to outfit an apartment, I think tat is a good thing. Take her window shopping with a notebook. In a way, I had to do that over the last year in triplicate, with the bridal registers. My daughter in law asked me to help because she didn't want her mother involved, her mother is too controlling (my diagnosis, not the daughter's).</p><p></p><p>We also did this when the kids were leaving home to set up house. easy child was moving in with (now) SIL1, easy child 2/difficult child 2 moving in with (now) SIL2. They had to shop around for various things especially kitchen utensils. Before this, my girls wouldn't have anything to do with op-shops or garage sales. Now - they love them. But easy child 2/difficult child 2 still insists on getting new stuff and will do without rather than make do.</p><p></p><p>Something else I did at about this point, when the kids were beginning to talk about their aim of living away from home - I began to teach them the skills they would need. For example, I have my own recipe book of things I have made over the years that the kids like. I've also described techniques in the book so it helps them function independently. When you are on a tight budget, it's cheaper to make your own meals than always buy takeaway.</p><p></p><p>However, I had to recognise that what the kids wanted to cook were not what I would have made in the same situation. Kids want pizza. So I taught them how to use a slice of bread as a pizza base, and work from there.</p><p></p><p>I've described earlier how i taught easy child 2/difficult child 2 to love making soup. I never intended that outcome but I'm very glad. I used the story of Stone Soup (you can find it in Jim Henson's "Storyteller" series) and we acted it out using a river pebble from the garden of a flat where we were staying on holiday. I began with pure water, and as we acted out the story, we added whatever we had around - the carcass from a barbecued chicken we'd had the day before, now little more than bones; the tops of some celery the kids had eaten for lunch; carrot peel; onion skin from the compost bucket; some salt. We let it simmer for about half an hour, maybe 45 minutes. We were using a small saucepan because there wasn't much we could add. So cooking for too long is not good, it makes it bitter. But the result is like a magic trick and kids love it.</p><p></p><p>If she sees you as focussing on her living away from home also, she may be more amenable to learning the skills and taking a turn. For example, if she complains about the meals you cook, give her the job. But the rules are - you have to stay in budget and you have to cater to all tastes. Otherwise - anything goes. You have to sit on your hands unless she asks for help. But to do this task, she has to shop for ingredients, budget for them, actually go get them and then prepare it all on time. It's a bigger job than our kids realise. She is almost certainly going to need some help, but depending on how she handles it, you might have to let her make a mess of things. Unless she will let you help, and recognise you are helping. Otherwise if you rescue too early and she doesn't accept that you helped, she will be mistakenly believing she can handle any challenge.</p><p></p><p>Other skills she needs - using the washing machine. Organising her laundry. Mending clothes or modifying them to her own preferences. For example, easy child 2/difficult child 2 bought a cheap coat but it had a bubble skirt she hated. So she unpicked it which meant it now flared out - it looked good. But the lining no longer fitted, so she shopped for matching lining fabric then put in gussets of new lining fabric as patches, so she now has a fully lined flared coat about which her friends ask, "Where did you get that? It's great!"</p><p></p><p>Now, I had been discouraging easy child 2/difficult child 2 from wrecking her new coat by unpicking it; the bubble skirt bit didn't look that bad, I told her. But she was determined to "waste her money", as I saw it.</p><p></p><p>I was wrong. Glad to be so. And she got more confidence about her own sewing skills.</p><p></p><p>It's not easy, but if you can demonstrate that your aim is to help your daughter achieve her independence, then follow through on her dreams no matter how unrealistic they are. SHE has to realise it won't work. And yes, there will be times when she turns to you witheringly and says, "Now come on, mom, you know being a model/enlisting in the army is not realistic. For heavens' sake, get real!"</p><p></p><p>Just nod and smile. Nod and smile...</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 358311, member: 1991"] Get a copy of "Private Benjamin". If she wants to know how much it would cost to outfit an apartment, I think tat is a good thing. Take her window shopping with a notebook. In a way, I had to do that over the last year in triplicate, with the bridal registers. My daughter in law asked me to help because she didn't want her mother involved, her mother is too controlling (my diagnosis, not the daughter's). We also did this when the kids were leaving home to set up house. easy child was moving in with (now) SIL1, easy child 2/difficult child 2 moving in with (now) SIL2. They had to shop around for various things especially kitchen utensils. Before this, my girls wouldn't have anything to do with op-shops or garage sales. Now - they love them. But easy child 2/difficult child 2 still insists on getting new stuff and will do without rather than make do. Something else I did at about this point, when the kids were beginning to talk about their aim of living away from home - I began to teach them the skills they would need. For example, I have my own recipe book of things I have made over the years that the kids like. I've also described techniques in the book so it helps them function independently. When you are on a tight budget, it's cheaper to make your own meals than always buy takeaway. However, I had to recognise that what the kids wanted to cook were not what I would have made in the same situation. Kids want pizza. So I taught them how to use a slice of bread as a pizza base, and work from there. I've described earlier how i taught easy child 2/difficult child 2 to love making soup. I never intended that outcome but I'm very glad. I used the story of Stone Soup (you can find it in Jim Henson's "Storyteller" series) and we acted it out using a river pebble from the garden of a flat where we were staying on holiday. I began with pure water, and as we acted out the story, we added whatever we had around - the carcass from a barbecued chicken we'd had the day before, now little more than bones; the tops of some celery the kids had eaten for lunch; carrot peel; onion skin from the compost bucket; some salt. We let it simmer for about half an hour, maybe 45 minutes. We were using a small saucepan because there wasn't much we could add. So cooking for too long is not good, it makes it bitter. But the result is like a magic trick and kids love it. If she sees you as focussing on her living away from home also, she may be more amenable to learning the skills and taking a turn. For example, if she complains about the meals you cook, give her the job. But the rules are - you have to stay in budget and you have to cater to all tastes. Otherwise - anything goes. You have to sit on your hands unless she asks for help. But to do this task, she has to shop for ingredients, budget for them, actually go get them and then prepare it all on time. It's a bigger job than our kids realise. She is almost certainly going to need some help, but depending on how she handles it, you might have to let her make a mess of things. Unless she will let you help, and recognise you are helping. Otherwise if you rescue too early and she doesn't accept that you helped, she will be mistakenly believing she can handle any challenge. Other skills she needs - using the washing machine. Organising her laundry. Mending clothes or modifying them to her own preferences. For example, easy child 2/difficult child 2 bought a cheap coat but it had a bubble skirt she hated. So she unpicked it which meant it now flared out - it looked good. But the lining no longer fitted, so she shopped for matching lining fabric then put in gussets of new lining fabric as patches, so she now has a fully lined flared coat about which her friends ask, "Where did you get that? It's great!" Now, I had been discouraging easy child 2/difficult child 2 from wrecking her new coat by unpicking it; the bubble skirt bit didn't look that bad, I told her. But she was determined to "waste her money", as I saw it. I was wrong. Glad to be so. And she got more confidence about her own sewing skills. It's not easy, but if you can demonstrate that your aim is to help your daughter achieve her independence, then follow through on her dreams no matter how unrealistic they are. SHE has to realise it won't work. And yes, there will be times when she turns to you witheringly and says, "Now come on, mom, you know being a model/enlisting in the army is not realistic. For heavens' sake, get real!" Just nod and smile. Nod and smile... Marg [/QUOTE]
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