Unbelievable!!!!!!!!!
- Thread starter standswithcourage
- Start date
N
Nomad
Guest
I am so very sorry. It sounds like a great idea to stick with the members of your 12 step program that you trust who have experience. Perhaps you might provide information for your son if he would like it, but it sounds like he needs to want to help himself and perhaps both of you need to look and approach the situation differently. You are making inroads. Very glad your husband and daughter have given you support in all of this.
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
Thanks, Jane.
This is also very true. Daughter had to leave. She got lucky that her brother took her in, but he would have thrown her butt out the door if she'd screwed up even once. He's much stricter than us. And we would not have taken her back. And she was only 18. But I believe that tough love is the only answer regarding drug abuse. I won't help my kids kill themselves. If they do it, it will have to be without my assistance. We were lucky, but I also think she didn't like the idea of not being comfortable, but who knows?
standswithcourage
New Member
Well here is the only update I have - he called his brother today wanting to know where I was - said he got another ticket - arrest whatever you want to call it for possession and petty larceny. I dont really know where he is or why he told his brother that other than to make us feel guilty because we didnt go get himi the other night. He thinks I have the police looking for him. I dont know how much longer this can go on. I fear for his safety. Do you think he could walk to get help if he wanted to or is that something we should help him do? It might be a dumb question but it helps to hear you alls answers. I am hanging in here. For my husband it is not hard - for m e it is very hard even after all the things that have happened I cant give up hope - but I dont want to help him die either - I know of a 19 year old girl they buried today from drugs - she was beautiful - had been abusing for a while - she had gone to a friends house and came home and never woke up! I cant imagine that happening to me. I dont want it happening especially in my own house. We cant allow him to come back here - he has to go straight to detox. Where do they go after detox? He knows the phone number and where it is - I think sometimes we are just letting him get into more trouble for not rescuing him but that is the problem. We have rescued him. I hate for him to be that bad off. He probably hasnt shaved or anything. I cant believe he has ruined his name in that town. I probably will never be able to set foot there again! Let me hear honest thoughts from you all. I am weary.
standswithcourage
New Member
WHAT did you Hubby say ? lol
Oh my burning ears....lol
Just sending you some hugs and heartfelt wishes.
Star
Star - Your ears would have been burning! Do you mean what did he say the night or morning my son called? He screamed *&&***words and said no we were not going to get him - he told me to turn my phone off - I was crying (bad move) and so my husband left and went to work and slept in the truck at 4:30 in the morning. Bizarre! That is so far from the life I used to have before all this started happening. This life is so crazy. I probably should start journaling and write a book. I am just waiting for another call - I hope it is not a bad one. Ya'll just keep helping me. I am barely here.
Stands... think about this... he got a ticket, but he thinks you have the police looking for him? Doesn't make sense. If he got a ticket, he ran into the police. Doesn't add up. My manipulation/BS meter is going off, big time. I'm sorry he's pulling his brother into it.. might be a good idea to offer to take your other son to an al-anon meeting with you.
No, you don't need to take difficult child anywhere. He can walk. He can call 911 from a payphone if he needs to. If he really got a ticket, he could have asked that officer for help.
Yes, he might get into more trouble if you don't rescue him. But that is what needs to happen. It is HIS trouble, his choice.
You're getting better at detaching.. keep it up ! Do wahtever you can to distract yourself at this point.
No, you don't need to take difficult child anywhere. He can walk. He can call 911 from a payphone if he needs to. If he really got a ticket, he could have asked that officer for help.
Yes, he might get into more trouble if you don't rescue him. But that is what needs to happen. It is HIS trouble, his choice.
You're getting better at detaching.. keep it up ! Do wahtever you can to distract yourself at this point.
standswithcourage
New Member
Thanks. I will take my son to an alanon meeting. He has been before and everyone there tells me how sharp he is. He is not as emotional or anything as I am - he has had enough and I understand. I am going to let my husband handle this now. I need to back out. I want to be part of the solution not the problem. Thanks.
HereWeGoAgain
Grandpa
Hi Stands, It's been 6 months since last I was on the board here. Looks like you have come far. I know how you struggle cuz I see it with my wife and our difficult child -- your post is eerily similar to what's been happening with her, the calling begging to be picked up and blaming all troubles on the parents. I am able to be more detached like your husband, and my wife struggles like you with the fear and anguish. She says I'm cold and uncaring then later that I am right but it is so much harder for her. Anyway you are not alone.
Hound dog
Nana's are Beautiful
Susan
You are making great progress, even though I know it's very hard for you to do.
As Mom's we worry and dread the worst. That's natural. I think it's a good idea to let husband lead you with this. He loves difficult child too, but men seem to be more able to detach than Moms.
If difficult child gets to the point where he wants detox, it's not difficult to find out how and where.
If destration helps you, then use it. If al-anon helps use it. If handing the reins over to husband will help guide you, then hand them over.
Proud of you tonight Susan.
Hugs
You are making great progress, even though I know it's very hard for you to do.
As Mom's we worry and dread the worst. That's natural. I think it's a good idea to let husband lead you with this. He loves difficult child too, but men seem to be more able to detach than Moms.
If difficult child gets to the point where he wants detox, it's not difficult to find out how and where.
If destration helps you, then use it. If al-anon helps use it. If handing the reins over to husband will help guide you, then hand them over.
Proud of you tonight Susan.
Hugs
rejectedmom
New Member
Sorry I am comming in late I was away a couple of days. Anyway, You are doing well by detching. You do not need to do anything for him. If you do and it doesn't work out he will blame it all on you again instead of taking responsibility for himself and his choices. He can go to the county office anytime and tell them he is ready to get into a detox. After he completes that program he can probably get into a group home or a sober house. There are SW's that are usually assigned at intake and who can help him with all of this.
You need to go on with your life and let him get his together. It is his life his journey now and even though it isn't a pretty one it is his alone to change.
Use your 12 steps to get through each crisis and keep your life moving foward. It truly does get easier the more you practice detachment. Trust yourself and your higher power and live your life as you would if he was not on drugs and acting badly. You can do this and you can change your reactions. You cannot change him though, so stop trying to find a way it just isn't possible. That has to come from inside him. -RM
You need to go on with your life and let him get his together. It is his life his journey now and even though it isn't a pretty one it is his alone to change.
Use your 12 steps to get through each crisis and keep your life moving foward. It truly does get easier the more you practice detachment. Trust yourself and your higher power and live your life as you would if he was not on drugs and acting badly. You can do this and you can change your reactions. You cannot change him though, so stop trying to find a way it just isn't possible. That has to come from inside him. -RM
witzend
Well-Known Member
Baking a cake for your daughter was the right thing to do. It made both of you feel good. The next time your son tries to dump his problems in your lap, bake some cookies for her or a neighbor. Take your other son to a movie. Do something constructive for someone else. Nothing you do for your difficult child will ever make a difference. Ever. He's a grown up and he may dump his problems on you and blame you for them, but they are his problems. If you do something for someone else instead of falling into his B S trap, something good comes out of it, and you have a fond memory to recall from his idiocy.
As for his ruining his name in another town? That's exactly what he ruined - his name. M ruined his name in our community, and I didn't slink away. I stayed and continued to do the volunteer work and be involved as I always was. It was humiliating at first, but only in my own mind. There was more than one person whom he had burned who approached me and told me how much class I had for still being myself in spite of what a brat M was being. I still participate in that community, 6 years later. M was 17 at the time and people are smart enough to know he made his own decisions and that they don't reflect on me if I don't own them. Your son is 26 (or is it 27 now?) and people are smart enough to know that his problems are his, unless you try to own them by trying to fix them or make excuses.
Set yourself free, Susan. Don't own his problems, and they won't be yours.
by the way, he sounds paranoid and delusional. If he shows up at your home, I hope you will call the police.
As for his ruining his name in another town? That's exactly what he ruined - his name. M ruined his name in our community, and I didn't slink away. I stayed and continued to do the volunteer work and be involved as I always was. It was humiliating at first, but only in my own mind. There was more than one person whom he had burned who approached me and told me how much class I had for still being myself in spite of what a brat M was being. I still participate in that community, 6 years later. M was 17 at the time and people are smart enough to know he made his own decisions and that they don't reflect on me if I don't own them. Your son is 26 (or is it 27 now?) and people are smart enough to know that his problems are his, unless you try to own them by trying to fix them or make excuses.
Set yourself free, Susan. Don't own his problems, and they won't be yours.
by the way, he sounds paranoid and delusional. If he shows up at your home, I hope you will call the police.
Wow, beautifully said! And it is so freeing to allow others to own their own problems--your own are enough!
Jane
standswithcourage
New Member
That is so true. It is so hard not to call probate court and have himi committed. My husband said let the chips fall where they may - leave him alone - I got a call from one of my sons grandparents and they are worried about my son - want to know if he needs to come home and wait for rehab! Oh my gosh. that put me on a guilt trip until I thought about it. If he wants to go to rehab - he knows what it takes to get there. We were going to take him to voc rehab today and he wanted $30. for a taxi! So he didnt go and made another appointment. who knows? He is not at home. Thanks Witz.
You have already tried having difficult child come home to get ready for detox and rehab. more than a few times. You KNOW that until HE is ready, and not just yanking chains, it will do no good and just tell him he can continue to manipulate you and hurt the entire family.
It sounds like he is getting worried that he can't control you anymore and called the grandparents for reinforcements. This is a GOOD sign. A sign that his life is starting to get uncomfortable. he probably has quite a ways to go before he is willing to invest in rehab and really WANT to straighten out his life, but it is a small step toward it. So GOOD JOB!!
you will either have to ignore the grands or be up front and tell them how often you ahve done what they suggest only to find he stole things or had friends steal things and used drugs in your home and in your car and was a threat to all of you. THEY may need to go to al anon to understand this.
You can't control the grands anymore than you can control your difficult child. You can draw boundaries. Tell them that this is between you and your son and it is not open for discussion because your son lies to you and has done so over and over. They may, at some point, decide that they want him to come and stay with them until a bed opens up. You can discourage this, but you can't stop them. If they decide to do this, be SURE you tell them you will NOT be held responsible in ANY way for anything this 26yo man does. That if he steals, uses drugs in their home, hurts them because he is stoned, ends up with them losing their house because he is dealing drugs out of it (about the ONLY way to afford a drug habit is to sell drugs. Period.) and the govt can seize their home simply because he brought the drugs he is selling into the house with him, well, you can't fix those things for them. You will have to fight feeling bad because you KNOW he will do one or more of the above things. But you can't rescue them anymore than you can rescue your son.
Hopefully he will not take advantage of the grands this way, but you never know.
Stand strong! You are doing a great job!
It sounds like he is getting worried that he can't control you anymore and called the grandparents for reinforcements. This is a GOOD sign. A sign that his life is starting to get uncomfortable. he probably has quite a ways to go before he is willing to invest in rehab and really WANT to straighten out his life, but it is a small step toward it. So GOOD JOB!!
you will either have to ignore the grands or be up front and tell them how often you ahve done what they suggest only to find he stole things or had friends steal things and used drugs in your home and in your car and was a threat to all of you. THEY may need to go to al anon to understand this.
You can't control the grands anymore than you can control your difficult child. You can draw boundaries. Tell them that this is between you and your son and it is not open for discussion because your son lies to you and has done so over and over. They may, at some point, decide that they want him to come and stay with them until a bed opens up. You can discourage this, but you can't stop them. If they decide to do this, be SURE you tell them you will NOT be held responsible in ANY way for anything this 26yo man does. That if he steals, uses drugs in their home, hurts them because he is stoned, ends up with them losing their house because he is dealing drugs out of it (about the ONLY way to afford a drug habit is to sell drugs. Period.) and the govt can seize their home simply because he brought the drugs he is selling into the house with him, well, you can't fix those things for them. You will have to fight feeling bad because you KNOW he will do one or more of the above things. But you can't rescue them anymore than you can rescue your son.
Hopefully he will not take advantage of the grands this way, but you never know.
Stand strong! You are doing a great job!
witzend
Well-Known Member
I had kept from my parents all of the troubles L had when she was younger. When I finally let her dad put her in a group home and didn't go rescue her - even she admits it would never have worked a week - they told me what a lousy parent I was. I told them all the things that had happened and all of the things I had tried. They told me I exaggerated and was a liar.
If your friends, family, in-laws, co-workers, whatever weren't supportive before, they're not going to be supportive now. Save your breath, unless it is to tell them to take him in and save him. They'll fail just like you did because no one can save him but himself and if he really wanted to he would do it.
If your friends, family, in-laws, co-workers, whatever weren't supportive before, they're not going to be supportive now. Save your breath, unless it is to tell them to take him in and save him. They'll fail just like you did because no one can save him but himself and if he really wanted to he would do it.
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
Kids can die from an overdose at home as easily as in the streets. You just spoke of a girl who went to a friend's house and died of an overdose. I take it she was living at home.
I would keep doing what your doing. $30 for vocational rehab? When he's still on drugs? He's not going to get a job. Don't let him fool you. The $30 was for drugs.
I agree that he's probably making up stories to try to make you feel guilty. Don't buy into it. Just remember: Drug Addicts LIE.
As for the in-laws, if THEY want to bring him to THEIR home, you can't stop them, but, oh, are they going to be sorry. My guess is he'll be out on his butt FAST.
I am reading a really good library book about a doctor who works in a drug rehab. It is shocking and eye-opening (and shows those who are there to get help vs. those who just walk out). The book is called "Cracked: Putting Broken Lives Together Again" by Dr. Drew Pinsky. It's nice to know there are addiction doctors out there who really care. Some of the people he talks about are in the same shape as your son or worse and some get better. It's a good read so far.
I would keep doing what your doing. $30 for vocational rehab? When he's still on drugs? He's not going to get a job. Don't let him fool you. The $30 was for drugs.
I agree that he's probably making up stories to try to make you feel guilty. Don't buy into it. Just remember: Drug Addicts LIE.
As for the in-laws, if THEY want to bring him to THEIR home, you can't stop them, but, oh, are they going to be sorry. My guess is he'll be out on his butt FAST.
I am reading a really good library book about a doctor who works in a drug rehab. It is shocking and eye-opening (and shows those who are there to get help vs. those who just walk out). The book is called "Cracked: Putting Broken Lives Together Again" by Dr. Drew Pinsky. It's nice to know there are addiction doctors out there who really care. Some of the people he talks about are in the same shape as your son or worse and some get better. It's a good read so far.
standswithcourage
New Member
Thanks! I think there are two books I need to read; one is
Setting Boundaries for your Adult Child by Allison Bottke and the other one is the one you mentioned. thanks so much for all of your input!
Setting Boundaries for your Adult Child by Allison Bottke and the other one is the one you mentioned. thanks so much for all of your input!
