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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 653341" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Lil, it is perfectly within your rights to set boundaries. After all, you are the one paying for the meal. "Look, while I am eating I prefer you are clean so please shower and wash your hair."</p><p></p><p>As for normal, what is normal anyway? I think about that a lot. Certainly your son is not within the average for a young man his age. Surely, you wish he were at least working full time. But, even if he is unhappy, and he refuses to do what he needs to do to make his life better, what are you supposed to do about it? Cast a magic spell over him? (Don't you wish we could?) Even if he is unhappy, he can do better. He is not physically disabled and he did finish high school so he is mentally well enough to work somewhere. He does not have to take any drugs, whatever he is doing in that department.He is the one making himself unhappy. You aren't. He isn't happy even though you rented him an apartment and make sure he has his needs taken care of.</p><p></p><p>Happiness comes from within and as much as we would like to, we can't make another person happy. Only the person can do it. The person also has to be willing to do the sometimes hard work to get there. My trip was long, tiring, and consisted of therapy, self-help groups, medication and homework! But I wanted it THAT bad. Today I would say on a scale of 1-10 with 10 being the most content one can be, I'm an 8. He can get there. He can do it too. But it takes effort. And it takes going forward even when life hits you in the gut and you need to regroup, as I did this week. Lil, I was horrified that my sister and brother were actually reading my posts here and laughing about them. It's about five days later. I was able to use my coping skills and cognitive therapy to get to the point where I can find them pathetic and put them away in the attic and keep posting. So what if they read my stuff and laugh? And your son can go forward, have setbacks, and then plough forward again too. All it takes is learning those coping skills and nothing can knock you down for long. He needs to be educated on those skills, which does take therapy, which is an option he has.</p><p></p><p>I believe in your son's ability. Now if he prefers homelessness, joblessness, no goals, bad hygiene (which does give others a certain feeling about him), and you to take care of him forever, no, he will not be happy. But he has many tools to help himself. At his age I was an emotional mess, but I climbed out of the hole. And I had no famly support. I am not comparing me to him other than to say he can do it. But you can't help him do it. Honestly, it's a one-man journey. You can have friends or no friends. You can have family or no family. But you walk this walk yourself. It's your life. Others can wish you well, but they can not do the hard work it takes to find peace, serenity and meaning in your life. Some people thrive on chaos. I think everyone in my family did because it was all we knew. Your son may thrive on something else, such as laziness as it is all he knows.</p><p></p><p>It takes time and effort to change what your comfort zone is, even if you are used to it. But it can be done. Much hope for you and your son's future.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 653341, member: 1550"] Lil, it is perfectly within your rights to set boundaries. After all, you are the one paying for the meal. "Look, while I am eating I prefer you are clean so please shower and wash your hair." As for normal, what is normal anyway? I think about that a lot. Certainly your son is not within the average for a young man his age. Surely, you wish he were at least working full time. But, even if he is unhappy, and he refuses to do what he needs to do to make his life better, what are you supposed to do about it? Cast a magic spell over him? (Don't you wish we could?) Even if he is unhappy, he can do better. He is not physically disabled and he did finish high school so he is mentally well enough to work somewhere. He does not have to take any drugs, whatever he is doing in that department.He is the one making himself unhappy. You aren't. He isn't happy even though you rented him an apartment and make sure he has his needs taken care of. Happiness comes from within and as much as we would like to, we can't make another person happy. Only the person can do it. The person also has to be willing to do the sometimes hard work to get there. My trip was long, tiring, and consisted of therapy, self-help groups, medication and homework! But I wanted it THAT bad. Today I would say on a scale of 1-10 with 10 being the most content one can be, I'm an 8. He can get there. He can do it too. But it takes effort. And it takes going forward even when life hits you in the gut and you need to regroup, as I did this week. Lil, I was horrified that my sister and brother were actually reading my posts here and laughing about them. It's about five days later. I was able to use my coping skills and cognitive therapy to get to the point where I can find them pathetic and put them away in the attic and keep posting. So what if they read my stuff and laugh? And your son can go forward, have setbacks, and then plough forward again too. All it takes is learning those coping skills and nothing can knock you down for long. He needs to be educated on those skills, which does take therapy, which is an option he has. I believe in your son's ability. Now if he prefers homelessness, joblessness, no goals, bad hygiene (which does give others a certain feeling about him), and you to take care of him forever, no, he will not be happy. But he has many tools to help himself. At his age I was an emotional mess, but I climbed out of the hole. And I had no famly support. I am not comparing me to him other than to say he can do it. But you can't help him do it. Honestly, it's a one-man journey. You can have friends or no friends. You can have family or no family. But you walk this walk yourself. It's your life. Others can wish you well, but they can not do the hard work it takes to find peace, serenity and meaning in your life. Some people thrive on chaos. I think everyone in my family did because it was all we knew. Your son may thrive on something else, such as laziness as it is all he knows. It takes time and effort to change what your comfort zone is, even if you are used to it. But it can be done. Much hope for you and your son's future. [/QUOTE]
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