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Unconditional love?
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 653432" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>I am sure he would rather watch the show in real time. But maybe that won't work for you. Maybe it's...we watch the show the next night at 6 p.m...or we don't watch the show at all.</p><p></p><p>This increasingly needs to be on your terms...what works for YOU. You are always being left in the dust and dirt by circumstances dictated by him. The way to stop that, or at least begin to limit it, is to make a plan that has a chance of working for YOU, and then sticking to that plan as much as is humanly possible. It's really hard and it takes a lot of energy from you. </p><p></p><p>But in time, much improvement occurs. And, the contact can grow even more limited at first. </p><p></p><p>For me, the contact grew even more limited for a long long time, and my peace grew exponentially.</p><p></p><p>Today, we can spend Easter here at my house, like we did last night, and cook out steaks, and eat strawberry pie, and have a really nice time at the dinner table for three hours before he left with a plateful of leftovers. When he left, we hugged each other and said I love you. </p><p></p><p>It took a long time and much discipline for me and for him for us to get to this point. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>100 percent correct. If you just leave it to chance, and whatever happens, happens, it is very likely to be a train wreck. Why? Because you are dealing from "normal" and he is not. It makes for a very clear disconnect. </p><p></p><p>Emotions are already high, and it's a week away. Emotions will be at an all-time high that night, and without a clear plan that you agree to and will stick to no matter what (keep it very simple), things will get sideways.</p><p></p><p>Simple such as: Pick him up 15 minutes before the show starts, eat pizza during the show, take him home the minute the show is over. </p><p></p><p>No showers, no washing clothes, no money given, no spending the night, no nothing more. </p><p></p><p>Just watch the show. Which means limited conversation (hopefully). </p><p></p><p>Just be present and say as little as possible. That is a way to help the evening be more successful.</p><p></p><p>I have had a tendency to throw a whole, whole lot of words at any situation regarding difficult child. I can talk your head off and his head off.</p><p></p><p>Through all of this journey, I have learned painfully the art of silence and of saying little to nothing. My MO is still to be a talker, and I can easily lapse into it. </p><p></p><p>But I've learned and I do much better today.</p><p></p><p>I know what you want: you want what we all want, to be just a normal family, coming and going and having a good time.</p><p></p><p>That's not where most of us are with our difficult kids right now. That just isn't possible right now. So we have to behave differently. If we don't, we continue our own misery and we don't help them one single bit.</p><p></p><p>I so know how hard this is. Hang in there. We are here for you no matter what you decide to do.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 653432, member: 17542"] I am sure he would rather watch the show in real time. But maybe that won't work for you. Maybe it's...we watch the show the next night at 6 p.m...or we don't watch the show at all. This increasingly needs to be on your terms...what works for YOU. You are always being left in the dust and dirt by circumstances dictated by him. The way to stop that, or at least begin to limit it, is to make a plan that has a chance of working for YOU, and then sticking to that plan as much as is humanly possible. It's really hard and it takes a lot of energy from you. But in time, much improvement occurs. And, the contact can grow even more limited at first. For me, the contact grew even more limited for a long long time, and my peace grew exponentially. Today, we can spend Easter here at my house, like we did last night, and cook out steaks, and eat strawberry pie, and have a really nice time at the dinner table for three hours before he left with a plateful of leftovers. When he left, we hugged each other and said I love you. It took a long time and much discipline for me and for him for us to get to this point. 100 percent correct. If you just leave it to chance, and whatever happens, happens, it is very likely to be a train wreck. Why? Because you are dealing from "normal" and he is not. It makes for a very clear disconnect. Emotions are already high, and it's a week away. Emotions will be at an all-time high that night, and without a clear plan that you agree to and will stick to no matter what (keep it very simple), things will get sideways. Simple such as: Pick him up 15 minutes before the show starts, eat pizza during the show, take him home the minute the show is over. No showers, no washing clothes, no money given, no spending the night, no nothing more. Just watch the show. Which means limited conversation (hopefully). Just be present and say as little as possible. That is a way to help the evening be more successful. I have had a tendency to throw a whole, whole lot of words at any situation regarding difficult child. I can talk your head off and his head off. Through all of this journey, I have learned painfully the art of silence and of saying little to nothing. My MO is still to be a talker, and I can easily lapse into it. But I've learned and I do much better today. I know what you want: you want what we all want, to be just a normal family, coming and going and having a good time. That's not where most of us are with our difficult kids right now. That just isn't possible right now. So we have to behave differently. If we don't, we continue our own misery and we don't help them one single bit. I so know how hard this is. Hang in there. We are here for you no matter what you decide to do. [/QUOTE]
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