Uneasy feeling

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Tired Mom, Jul 10, 2015.

  1. Tired Mom

    Tired Mom Member

    I really hope I am wrong. Difficult child's bank statement came to our house today. Looking at the last two week's June the amounts he it taking out looks just like his bank statement when he was using. I don't know if it was the right thing to do but I went ahead and called the rehab he went to and asked if they know if they drug test at the house he is in. I'm not sure if they do. Normally people leave the house after the 6 month program and the drug testing happens when they go to the Center for the outpatient treatment. He had permission to stay beyond the 6 months and wanted to come back home in the middle of August. My husband and I both have thought that it is a matter of time before he relapses. While the center and the halfway house have been happy with him since he is very passive and will go along with pretty much anything he doesn't really actively do anything to help himself. He only ever went to the bare min NA meetings, never got a sponsor and has completely stopped going to any meetings.. With his social anxiety it was very difficult to get him to look for a job. (Thank god he eventually did get one.) I think the one thing he did pick up from going to rehab is that he did start working out a lot to help him with stress.

    Wednesday I dragged my husband to an alanon meeting which I think was a good thing. We went a few times after he overdosed and then stopped going. The stress level has been amping up with the thought of him coming home. I am glad we went to the alanon meeting. I think it would be hard for most people to understand but I am sojealous of the people who talk about how wonderful their child is when they aren't using. I am almost 100% certain there is something else wrong with my son. There can be a sweet side to son but he is very very quiet it is very hard to have a two way conversation with him. Thank god for my husband who can draw him into a conversation about his few interests. My husband thinks I should start reading Science Fiction, skateboarding, and snowboarding so that its easier for me to talk to him. Sigh with my arthritis skateboarding and snowboarding sound like death and it is so hard for me to get into his type of books.

    Everything with my son coming back has been difficult. In June he lost his wallet thankfully it was returned and then in July he managed to lose his Drivers license and it hasn't shown up. The airlines have said he needs a police report in order to fly home. Difficult Child didn't respond to the text about going to the police station. Neither my husband nor myself can see him going to the police station by himself. My husband has started talking about difficult child taking a train but the train looks as though if the conductor decides to check for your ID and you don't have acceptable ID they can kick you off. ( I read online you are more likely to have your ID checked if you look questionable. Difficult child has started wearing what I consider almost crazy clown sweat pants. When we visited in December the other housemates indicated that is what he has become known for. I think he could easily get singled out for ID check.) Husband is reluctantly considering driving down to get difficult child.

    On top of everything else I was laid off from my job July 6th. So either I will be home trying not to castrophize (sp?) everything difficult child does when he comes home or I will have the stress of a new job with no available time off for the circus he will bring when he comes home. I wish I could be more confident that everything will be great when difficult child comes home. He had been clean since he overdosed in October and he did mange to find a job that he has kept since February. There have been positive things but it hasn't felt as though there has been real change.
  2. lovemyson1

    lovemyson1 Active Member

    Hi tired mom. I don't see background info as I'm on my iPhone. How old is your son? If he's over 18, why are you bringing him home? If you already suspect he's using or will relapse, bringing him home will only enable this behavior. I'm saying this bc after my son was doing great for 4 months in a men's home, we brought him back to help him get on his feet again and he relapsed in 7 days. If it's possible, let him live elsewhere. Maybe this is why there are so many road blocks to bring him home. Maybe he's meant for something else. You say he's introverted and not motivated. Bringing him home will just enable these behaviors. He needs to fight for his sobriety and grow up. My son is doing much better on his own knowing we won't flip the bill for his lifestyle. According to his girlfriend he's been working and completely sober. I'm sorry for what you're going through and hope it all works out!
  3. Tired Mom

    Tired Mom Member

    Hi lovemyson1 - My son is 21. He is in a pretrial intervention program. The last verified communication with his parole officer was that he was coming home mid August. Right now I think unless he communicates with his parole officer he legally has to come back. I know before my son even relapsed he had started to wanting to go back and finish community college and consistently has said that is what he wants to do. When he was in rehab his counselor had initially though he should try to make a new life for himself there but then seemed to change her mind and was supportive of his idea of coming back here and going to school. I had questioned the counselor on this but she thought it was a good idea. I am not sure if the school will even be a possibility. He tried to register and it said he was ineligible. We haven't got the whole story yet but I do see on the college website that they have the right to continuously do background checks and kick you out of the school at any time if the background check finds anything. It has crossed my mind that the community college has come across his pretrial intervention or overdose and they may not let him register. Neither my husband nor I really think the degree will make a difference for him but my husband thought since it is relatively cheap and it would be him working towards something positive we would support it. I totally get what you are saying about why are we letting him come back. Sigh it is really hard to go back on what we had agreed to without direct evidence that he has started using. I will feel better if I find out he is being drug tested at house he is at. We had been thinking we would try to find as short of a lease on a apartment as we could find (ideally a one month lease) and by the end he would need to find out some other living arrangement.

    I was really more opposed to him coming back initially but had softened when I found out he is seeing people do drugs where he is right now. When he lost his ID's twice. Knowing how gullible he is. Knowing that his job is paying him in cash but somehow taking taxes out and he really doesn't know if he will get a W2 and is afraid to ask. Sigh it is so hard to detach so hard to make him grow up. Take the firm stance if you want to come back you have to go to the police station, you have to buy the ticket, and you have to fly by yourself. Sometimes I feel like he is almost a handicapped child. His social skills were so low to start off with and both my husband and I think he suffered some brain damage between the four months when he moved out of our house a year ago and when he overdosed in October.
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    In spite of his challenges only HE can get help for them, and they are definitely treatable. He is doing nothing to address his issues, either drug abuse or his other problems. There are free mental health clinics all over the country.

    My daughter lived at home. You know what she saw? People shooting up drugs. Not in the hosue, of course, but she wasn't always in the house and she chose to hang around with folks who shoot up. Your son is n Occupational Therapist (OT) going to be shielded by you if he lives with you. He will only be more emotionally stunted and unable to care for himself.

    Until he decides to take care of his problems, as an adult should, there is absolutely nothing you can do to help him. He has to be 100% on board with changing and do the work himself. Many very shy people get over it or deal with it even though they are not over it. I have an autistic son who works and has learned to deal with people, although it is hard to take that first step...he does it. He lives on his own. I am very proud of him for pushing himself and doing a good job at work. Unless your son is autistic, he can't be any more socially clueless than mine.

    I wish you good luck and hope you don't fall into the trap of "he's home now, he's gone now, we'll rent him an apartment, he left and trashed the apartment and now we are liable...he is old enough to get his act together. My son is also 21 and was born with drugs in his system. He was adopted. If he can live a happy life, and he does, so can your son. He just has to want to do it. Did we help our son? Yes, but he wasn't taking drugs and he was respectful to us and of the law. Whole different story. He was a hard worker and did his best.j

    Your son can do better. You KNOW he can.

    Good luck :)
  5. Tired Mom

    Tired Mom Member

    Sigh. Yeah I know shy people can deal with it. My whole life I have always been called my shy. When we came home from Alanon it surprised me that my husband was telling me it was incredibly hard for him to speak at the meeting that he it made his heart race and he was incredibly nervous in speaking in groups of people. I am sure it is inherited from me and my husband both of my children are very quiet with difficult child being extremely quiet.

    The last two weeks of June is the first time where his bank account has looked suspicous. Prior to that I am not sure he was choosing to be around people doing drugs it sounded as though it was happening in the halfway house he was at. I guess if he knew drugs were being used there and he didn't ask to be moved then in that sense he was choosing to be around it.

    I really don't want to harm perfect child more which is why I really don't want difficult child in our house for any length of time. Difficult child has very few friends here I am sure those that he has are all drug addicts. The only possibility I can see here is another halfway house. From stories I have read the halfway houses in my state aren't known for being very good.

    A women at Alanon was talking about her son relapsing and her seeing him high two days in a row. She had told him that he had to leave and he came up with the plan to go live with his cousin and that somehow his cousin was going to get him employment and everything was going to be great. She decided she would drive him to this cousin and she said the whole time she kept thinking about his funeral what she would wear, who would come, etc. She had come to the point of being able to accept it. She said she was able to think about it and accept it and not be upset. I am struggling with just accepting it.

    Maybe I am overreacting maybe there was a real reason that he had take $60 out every other day for two weeks plus rent money on Friday plus a few more withdraws but last time he was taking out that much money it was for drugs.

    On a positive note today perfect child came back from a weeklong conference in Washington D.C. where his team won gold. I'm so proud of him though he reminded me of difficult child. Neither of my son's ever think they need any clothes when we go a on a trip. I tried to tell perfect child he needed more than two pairs of shorts and two tshirts for the down time of the conference since it was whole week. Perfect Child was quite stubborn that he didn't need more than that. One of the first thing perfect child told me was that I was right that he did need more clothes and that on the first day he managed to lose the two tshirts he packed. I guess it was better that he learned this on his own.
    Last edited: Jul 10, 2015