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Unfair Punishment
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 530498" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>If you need to continue with this, there is a third option (when Option 1 is let it slide; Option 2 is continue to fight every inch of the way). Option 3 - write a letter to super, to principal and to anybody higher up that you can reach. Your letter needs to state that you now consider this matter closed as far as it relates to your son's punishment. State that you require them to accept that you simply will not agree as to what happened, but sentence has been passed and served. Acknowledge that there were two adult witnesses (I presume anonymous) whose evidence is contradicted by a room full of students, but hey - PEOPLE lie. It becomes one group vs another group and you can never get to the truth under these circumstances. People also make mistakes, especially in a noisy, crowded room. </p><p></p><p>Also, of course children lie, especially to get out of trouble. Of course parents tend to be blinkered about their children. </p><p></p><p>HOWEVER - the remaining concerns needing to be addressed, are as follows:</p><p>1) Why was a clap considered an offence worthy of suspension? What is hoped to be learned by the perpetrator by suspending him? Other schools actually use a hand clap to restore order in the canteen, so the community at large is sending mixed messages to the students.</p><p></p><p>2) When a parent has concerns, there should be someone at the school, preferably the principal, who will listen politely and discuss calmly, the issues. You did not merely base your belief in your son on what he told you, but you had in fact received independent information which threw the school's position into doubt, and your concerns were never appropriately addressed. Failure to address these concerns at the level of principal as well as superintendant, shows a serious lack of duty of care and lack of concern for the truth. Instead, it is "discipline at all costs" even above and beyond actual truth. Some individuals (and, sadly, they often end up in positions of authority) see the dispensing of discipline as a minor thing, because they do it so often. They will get meaner if pushed and can end up causing you a lot more grief if you fight them.</p><p></p><p>Trouble is, you've already fought back and now you and your child will be labelled as troublemakers. You could back down and grovel. "I was wrong, you were right. Please accept my humble apologies," but chances are the result would either be the bullies crowing about your backdown, or even more use of you and your son as scapegoats. A lot of parents take this option because they get too tired to fight on, plus this sort of battle becomes huge and scary if you persist. This is what the bullies count on - being able to outlast you.</p><p></p><p>So the next option - once a fight has begun and you can no longer manage to slip back below the radar, you have to continue the battle. But narrow the parameters, don't fight on too wide a front. And here, the actual crime is now past and to hang on with dogged determination will only brand you as a troublemaker who will not let go of a dead issue. YOU need to be seen as the sensible, sane person here. Not a nut job. You want the principal to be exposed as a bully and a blind devotee of discipline at all costs and often without cause.</p><p></p><p>So to continue the battle, focus on what you want fixed NOW. Also, go high. As high as you can get. Not the media though. I often do advocate going to the media, but this would be seen as too trivial. No, go to your state Dept of Ed (or whatever passes for it) and discuss the professional ethics involved in how your concerns were mishandled, and how you were dismissed when you had genuine concerns. Mke it cler that your son has moved on despite feeling aggrieved at the injustice. Make it clear to your son that injustice happens, and if he had not been clapping at all, he would have been in a better position to avoid getting caught up in this. But also show him (by your actions) that he matters to you, that justice matters and it is risky but honourable to take a stand against injustice. Then show him the right way to take such a stand. Show him what the tools are, and the right way to handle it.</p><p></p><p>Warn him that this is now almost completely unwinnable.</p><p></p><p>One last thing that I think you now MUST do - this is why I said to go high. When you go high, be as generous to the school as you can be, but intransigent on what concerns you (the way the principal spoke disrespectfully about you in the presence of your child; the way you were shouted at by the principal and the way your concerns were never investigated, because it was easier to simply stick with the outcome of a possibly hasty decision than to admit a mistake). Make it clear that this is not about adults (or children) lying, it is at worst about hasty mistakes. "Act in haste, repent at liesure" and a possibly too harsh approach to discipline in this school to the point where perspective is lost and damage is done to children's trust (all the children, all the other kids observing this lay out) in the adults involved with this school. The schools claims to be tryin g to resolve bullying problems, but this will never happen while those in charge use bullying tactics on parents, students and staff.</p><p></p><p>Back off form wanting the truth of the clapping incident. That's a dead issue. But contact the highest people and get them on side. </p><p></p><p>THEN - make it clear to the principal that you have friends in high places who listen to you and who you will go to at the slightest hint of your child being penalised inappropriately simply because you have made a fuss.</p><p></p><p>I did this with our local school (years ago, when easy child 2/difficult child 2 was trying to get into school at age 4). I said, "You now know I have connections. I also know that you and other staff believe I'm a paranoid troublemaker. Please be aware - if you are correct and I AM paranoid, then I will immediately assume the worst of you if my child is disadvantaged in ay way, and I WILL use my connections to take action against you. And if I am not such a bad person as some of you seem to think, then you need to realise that I am in fact a reasonable person who is not deserving of any punishment for past expressed concerns."</p><p>In my case, I suspect the school chose to believe the former. I don't care what people think of me, if it means they give my child an even break.</p><p></p><p>In summary - I have said to a school (when severely pressed), "I have connections. I can use them to help the school, or fight the school. I could be your best friend or your worst nightmare. The choice is yours."</p><p></p><p>I have then followed through and fought battles on behalf of the school. And won, where the school could not. THAT scares them!</p><p></p><p>But if your child will be moving on in a few months - don't bother with any of this. Just walk away and try to slip as far below the radar as you can. And wait out the cow. if it gets bad and the radar ceiling is now at ground level, pull him out and home school for the remainder of the time. I'm not kidding - it could be easier in the long run, less painful.</p><p></p><p>by the way, our local school here currently has a clone of your principal. I have tried to stay in touch with the school and donate my services, but she has been pointed in her refusal of my offers. A number of good things have now collapsed in ruins because of this attitude. I get people (community) coming up to me and asking me what I'm doing about my past initiatives. I point them to the non-school options with which I am involved and make it clear - the principal does not want me, and I will not intrude where I am not wanted. Instead I have taken my expertise and contribution elsewhere, where it IS welcomed. Far less effort for me; far better outcome for those I can help.</p><p></p><p>Sometimes you just have to stop dealing with the nasties of this world.</p><p></p><p>by the way, our local school has been losing enrolments at a terrifying rate. People vote with their feet. Eventually someone has to say, "What is going on here?" and investigate.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 530498, member: 1991"] If you need to continue with this, there is a third option (when Option 1 is let it slide; Option 2 is continue to fight every inch of the way). Option 3 - write a letter to super, to principal and to anybody higher up that you can reach. Your letter needs to state that you now consider this matter closed as far as it relates to your son's punishment. State that you require them to accept that you simply will not agree as to what happened, but sentence has been passed and served. Acknowledge that there were two adult witnesses (I presume anonymous) whose evidence is contradicted by a room full of students, but hey - PEOPLE lie. It becomes one group vs another group and you can never get to the truth under these circumstances. People also make mistakes, especially in a noisy, crowded room. Also, of course children lie, especially to get out of trouble. Of course parents tend to be blinkered about their children. HOWEVER - the remaining concerns needing to be addressed, are as follows: 1) Why was a clap considered an offence worthy of suspension? What is hoped to be learned by the perpetrator by suspending him? Other schools actually use a hand clap to restore order in the canteen, so the community at large is sending mixed messages to the students. 2) When a parent has concerns, there should be someone at the school, preferably the principal, who will listen politely and discuss calmly, the issues. You did not merely base your belief in your son on what he told you, but you had in fact received independent information which threw the school's position into doubt, and your concerns were never appropriately addressed. Failure to address these concerns at the level of principal as well as superintendant, shows a serious lack of duty of care and lack of concern for the truth. Instead, it is "discipline at all costs" even above and beyond actual truth. Some individuals (and, sadly, they often end up in positions of authority) see the dispensing of discipline as a minor thing, because they do it so often. They will get meaner if pushed and can end up causing you a lot more grief if you fight them. Trouble is, you've already fought back and now you and your child will be labelled as troublemakers. You could back down and grovel. "I was wrong, you were right. Please accept my humble apologies," but chances are the result would either be the bullies crowing about your backdown, or even more use of you and your son as scapegoats. A lot of parents take this option because they get too tired to fight on, plus this sort of battle becomes huge and scary if you persist. This is what the bullies count on - being able to outlast you. So the next option - once a fight has begun and you can no longer manage to slip back below the radar, you have to continue the battle. But narrow the parameters, don't fight on too wide a front. And here, the actual crime is now past and to hang on with dogged determination will only brand you as a troublemaker who will not let go of a dead issue. YOU need to be seen as the sensible, sane person here. Not a nut job. You want the principal to be exposed as a bully and a blind devotee of discipline at all costs and often without cause. So to continue the battle, focus on what you want fixed NOW. Also, go high. As high as you can get. Not the media though. I often do advocate going to the media, but this would be seen as too trivial. No, go to your state Dept of Ed (or whatever passes for it) and discuss the professional ethics involved in how your concerns were mishandled, and how you were dismissed when you had genuine concerns. Mke it cler that your son has moved on despite feeling aggrieved at the injustice. Make it clear to your son that injustice happens, and if he had not been clapping at all, he would have been in a better position to avoid getting caught up in this. But also show him (by your actions) that he matters to you, that justice matters and it is risky but honourable to take a stand against injustice. Then show him the right way to take such a stand. Show him what the tools are, and the right way to handle it. Warn him that this is now almost completely unwinnable. One last thing that I think you now MUST do - this is why I said to go high. When you go high, be as generous to the school as you can be, but intransigent on what concerns you (the way the principal spoke disrespectfully about you in the presence of your child; the way you were shouted at by the principal and the way your concerns were never investigated, because it was easier to simply stick with the outcome of a possibly hasty decision than to admit a mistake). Make it clear that this is not about adults (or children) lying, it is at worst about hasty mistakes. "Act in haste, repent at liesure" and a possibly too harsh approach to discipline in this school to the point where perspective is lost and damage is done to children's trust (all the children, all the other kids observing this lay out) in the adults involved with this school. The schools claims to be tryin g to resolve bullying problems, but this will never happen while those in charge use bullying tactics on parents, students and staff. Back off form wanting the truth of the clapping incident. That's a dead issue. But contact the highest people and get them on side. THEN - make it clear to the principal that you have friends in high places who listen to you and who you will go to at the slightest hint of your child being penalised inappropriately simply because you have made a fuss. I did this with our local school (years ago, when easy child 2/difficult child 2 was trying to get into school at age 4). I said, "You now know I have connections. I also know that you and other staff believe I'm a paranoid troublemaker. Please be aware - if you are correct and I AM paranoid, then I will immediately assume the worst of you if my child is disadvantaged in ay way, and I WILL use my connections to take action against you. And if I am not such a bad person as some of you seem to think, then you need to realise that I am in fact a reasonable person who is not deserving of any punishment for past expressed concerns." In my case, I suspect the school chose to believe the former. I don't care what people think of me, if it means they give my child an even break. In summary - I have said to a school (when severely pressed), "I have connections. I can use them to help the school, or fight the school. I could be your best friend or your worst nightmare. The choice is yours." I have then followed through and fought battles on behalf of the school. And won, where the school could not. THAT scares them! But if your child will be moving on in a few months - don't bother with any of this. Just walk away and try to slip as far below the radar as you can. And wait out the cow. if it gets bad and the radar ceiling is now at ground level, pull him out and home school for the remainder of the time. I'm not kidding - it could be easier in the long run, less painful. by the way, our local school here currently has a clone of your principal. I have tried to stay in touch with the school and donate my services, but she has been pointed in her refusal of my offers. A number of good things have now collapsed in ruins because of this attitude. I get people (community) coming up to me and asking me what I'm doing about my past initiatives. I point them to the non-school options with which I am involved and make it clear - the principal does not want me, and I will not intrude where I am not wanted. Instead I have taken my expertise and contribution elsewhere, where it IS welcomed. Far less effort for me; far better outcome for those I can help. Sometimes you just have to stop dealing with the nasties of this world. by the way, our local school has been losing enrolments at a terrifying rate. People vote with their feet. Eventually someone has to say, "What is going on here?" and investigate. Marg [/QUOTE]
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