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Unsettling realizations of Sammys future
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 109353" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Dara, you said, "He has several words which are nonsense words. He actually knows they dont mean anything and laughs about using them. The problem is, he will decide sometimes to only use these words. He gets nothing out of it except joy in using them for annoyance purposes."</p><p></p><p>I know it seems it, but I don't think t his is to annoy. Or it may have morphed into a bit of that now, but I think the primary reason he uses these nonsense words, is he knows he doesn't have to try, with them.</p><p></p><p>Our kids get tired too, often very mentally tired and for a while anyway, they just stop trying because it's too hard. It could be happening more at the end of a day; maybe more if he's coming down with a cold or teething; anything that makes life a bit harder for him in some subtle way, and he throws in the towel in a big way in other areas.</p><p></p><p>You need to change your mind-set. I think this is upsetting you even more than any benefit you might have. At the moment you have your guard up with him as if there is a "me vs him" need in you. This follows on to you seeing him as taking fiendish delight in annoying you, which I don't think is his primary aim here.</p><p></p><p>You and he have both gotten into bad habits in your interactions with each other. He seems to be using any negative outcomes as a way of avoiding personal responsibility. He knows how to push your buttons and I suspect he does it when he's being required to work hardest mentally. </p><p>You need to stop reacting to him the way you are. Your sending to his room etc - yes, that is appropriate. That isn't what I'm talking about. But there is something in your manner with him which he is using to distract you. None of this is conscious on either of your parts, this is something happening on a subconscious level. But it's a habit that needs breaking wherever it is found because it can set up a lifelong pattern of coping with confrontation that is unhealthy. The unhealthy pattern is two-fold - 1) using confrontation as a distraction from what you're being asked to do; a form of deflection from the real issue; and 2) being able to be distracted and deflected. Both are not good.</p><p></p><p>If you've tried sign language already and it didn't work - then I agree, skip it. And he knows the concept of abstract communication with language, so that is another hurdle he's accomplished - good. It buys you more time than you realise. From here he can take as long as he wants, to learn to talk. It's when the concept of communication is still missing at this age, that you have serious long-term problems.</p><p></p><p>I mentioned Compics - make your own if you want. You can get them fairly easily, they are stylised pictures which you can stick to card and cut out to put on a small binder or curtain ring or something, so when he wants something he flips to the right picture. Perhaps he wants a drink - he flips to the Compic for "drink" and shows it to you. You then get him a drink (you need this to reinforce and reward his effort to communicate). I made sure the Compic also had the word written on it.</p><p></p><p>But it sounds like he could be just beyond the Compic stage. besides, it increases vocabulary of nouns but not other parts of speech. For that - the social stories did the trick with us. He memorised the social stories from repeated reading together, and then began to use the sentence structure built into them (by me, who wrote them) as a pattern and pro-forma. He would take a sentence such as "In the mornings I go to school" and modify it to "In the morning I go to shops" if he decided he wanted to shop with me instead. Previously, he just would have shouted "SHOPS!" at me until I guessed what he was on about.</p><p></p><p>These are easy to do and very worth the effort. It also build your relationship with him in a positive way. You going to that sort of effort for him - he will appreciate it, later if not sooner. And sitting reading with him - that is positive attention. It's also darn good therapy for you both.</p><p></p><p>You've got your own very strong ideas here. Maybe not everybody agrees with them, but the fact that you already have such a strong feel - this is good. Use it. it is your instincts kicking in. Learn to look inside for the answers you need. use us as springboards of ideas, but take what you feel will fit, and try that first. Clearly you have reached a point where you need to think outside the square. (been there done that!) Trust yourself, have faith in yourself and try to not see him as a malevolent problem; rather, he's a frustrated kid who just gives up and coasts now and then.</p><p></p><p>I wonder what would happen if you responded to him with nonsense words? Maybe make a game of "talking in scribble" as easy child 2/difficult child 2 used to say about difficult child 3, and see how he reacts when he fails to understand what you say?</p><p></p><p>Just a thought.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 109353, member: 1991"] Dara, you said, "He has several words which are nonsense words. He actually knows they dont mean anything and laughs about using them. The problem is, he will decide sometimes to only use these words. He gets nothing out of it except joy in using them for annoyance purposes." I know it seems it, but I don't think t his is to annoy. Or it may have morphed into a bit of that now, but I think the primary reason he uses these nonsense words, is he knows he doesn't have to try, with them. Our kids get tired too, often very mentally tired and for a while anyway, they just stop trying because it's too hard. It could be happening more at the end of a day; maybe more if he's coming down with a cold or teething; anything that makes life a bit harder for him in some subtle way, and he throws in the towel in a big way in other areas. You need to change your mind-set. I think this is upsetting you even more than any benefit you might have. At the moment you have your guard up with him as if there is a "me vs him" need in you. This follows on to you seeing him as taking fiendish delight in annoying you, which I don't think is his primary aim here. You and he have both gotten into bad habits in your interactions with each other. He seems to be using any negative outcomes as a way of avoiding personal responsibility. He knows how to push your buttons and I suspect he does it when he's being required to work hardest mentally. You need to stop reacting to him the way you are. Your sending to his room etc - yes, that is appropriate. That isn't what I'm talking about. But there is something in your manner with him which he is using to distract you. None of this is conscious on either of your parts, this is something happening on a subconscious level. But it's a habit that needs breaking wherever it is found because it can set up a lifelong pattern of coping with confrontation that is unhealthy. The unhealthy pattern is two-fold - 1) using confrontation as a distraction from what you're being asked to do; a form of deflection from the real issue; and 2) being able to be distracted and deflected. Both are not good. If you've tried sign language already and it didn't work - then I agree, skip it. And he knows the concept of abstract communication with language, so that is another hurdle he's accomplished - good. It buys you more time than you realise. From here he can take as long as he wants, to learn to talk. It's when the concept of communication is still missing at this age, that you have serious long-term problems. I mentioned Compics - make your own if you want. You can get them fairly easily, they are stylised pictures which you can stick to card and cut out to put on a small binder or curtain ring or something, so when he wants something he flips to the right picture. Perhaps he wants a drink - he flips to the Compic for "drink" and shows it to you. You then get him a drink (you need this to reinforce and reward his effort to communicate). I made sure the Compic also had the word written on it. But it sounds like he could be just beyond the Compic stage. besides, it increases vocabulary of nouns but not other parts of speech. For that - the social stories did the trick with us. He memorised the social stories from repeated reading together, and then began to use the sentence structure built into them (by me, who wrote them) as a pattern and pro-forma. He would take a sentence such as "In the mornings I go to school" and modify it to "In the morning I go to shops" if he decided he wanted to shop with me instead. Previously, he just would have shouted "SHOPS!" at me until I guessed what he was on about. These are easy to do and very worth the effort. It also build your relationship with him in a positive way. You going to that sort of effort for him - he will appreciate it, later if not sooner. And sitting reading with him - that is positive attention. It's also darn good therapy for you both. You've got your own very strong ideas here. Maybe not everybody agrees with them, but the fact that you already have such a strong feel - this is good. Use it. it is your instincts kicking in. Learn to look inside for the answers you need. use us as springboards of ideas, but take what you feel will fit, and try that first. Clearly you have reached a point where you need to think outside the square. (been there done that!) Trust yourself, have faith in yourself and try to not see him as a malevolent problem; rather, he's a frustrated kid who just gives up and coasts now and then. I wonder what would happen if you responded to him with nonsense words? Maybe make a game of "talking in scribble" as easy child 2/difficult child 2 used to say about difficult child 3, and see how he reacts when he fails to understand what you say? Just a thought. Marg [/QUOTE]
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