Unsure and frustrated

[Kazzy47]

Hi,

I am new here, just found it. I'm not sure how to deal with my son and the school. He is apparently off task a lot and doesn't do what he is asked at school straight away and the teachers are seeing this as disrespectful behaviour. They say he mutters under his breath making rude comments.
He has had a few detentions but now they want to escalate the discipline because they are fed up with him. Apparrently the rule is progressive discipline. My son is very upset about this as it means that he gets punished more than someone else doing the same as him, but who hasn't been in trouble for the same reason as many times. My son is so upset about this that he wouldn't go to his recent work detention where they clean up after school, and wants to go with me to the teacher to talk about it. I have a meeting next week. The being off task and talking when he shouldn't and not taking notice of teachers first time has been part of his school life since kindergarten. He is quite like it at home, and I have to say, he finds it very difficult to say sorry for anything.
I don't want to think it is all his fault, I want to try to make something positive happen with the teacher, but I think that the type of structured control that the teachers need in the classroom, is something that my son is always going to find very hard. He is 13 and in 7th grade.
There is a lot more to tell, but this is just an openter really.
Any insights or ways of dealing with it would be appreciated.
My son wants me to help him, which is why he wants me at the meeting with his teacher, I'm not sure how to, I know he wants me to tell the teacher that she is wrong....but what if I'm just not sure.

 

[Andy]

Has your son ever received any testing to diagnosis any thing like ADD or ADHD? Is he on any medications?

My difficult child is in 7th grade and I noticed a "cold turkey" attitude about teachers helping kids. Kids are to go from elementary school where teachers were involved to some extent in helping them stay on track with organizing school work and time to do things to BOOM they are on their own and they better follow the instructions. It is the student's responsiblity to ask for help. The year kids really do need some reminders and a little help because they are now old enough to "get it" the schools turn their backs on that area (unless there is an IEP involved). Just because they are now 12 and 13 years old they are automatically held responsible for getting all assignments done on their own.

You say that some of these issues you have noticed since Kindergarten. Maybe at a time he is calm you can bring it up. "I think we should think of a plan to present to your teacher. You know difficult child, I have noticed that you do have a habit of talking to yourself when you are unsure of something. I think the teachers are misunderstanding this. Is there somehow you can work on being quieter, possibly not mumbling at all so the teachers don't pick up on your frustration? Let's see if we can figure out what you can help with and then ask the teachers to join the plan." "Let's write down some thoughts and ideas so we don't forget about them and then decide how best to present it to the teacher."

Or something like that.

Ask him if he finds it takes him longer to get going on something than the other kids. Does he like to think longer about what he is suppose to do before doing it? Is it hard to transition from listening to doing?

Stay very calm in your discussion and if/when he starts to get frustrated with the conversation, gently pull him back with, "I am not saying you are doing anything wrong. I just want to find out how things work for you so that together with the teacher we can figure something out."

Your difficult child wanting you to go in barrels full and ready to shoot in anger is so much like my 13 year old. Of course in their eyes it is ALL the teachers' fault. My husband was school board chairman the last few years of elementary school. difficult child was sure that meant he could fire a teacher when difficult child was angry with her. We heard a lot of "Dad, just fire her!" He thought that would solve all his problems. The thing was that teacher was so creative and went out of her way to think outside the box to help each and every student including difficult child succeed. The teacher is wrong, period. Sometimes it is a personality clash and the student needs to know that the teacher is teaching the way s/he knows how to present the materials. I find myself being a little direct when teaching sometimes because that is how I am most comfortable getting the info across. It does not mean I hate the student or am angry - it is just my style. Kids need to learn through all sorts of styles. His teacher was trying to make the materials clear to him and he thought she was sending the message he was stupid.

It is hard to teach these kids how to face a situation without it becoming personal. They don't understand that when we speak of an unwanted behavior that we are not putting them down or thinking anything less of them. They are great kids and it takes time for them to not take things as a personal attack.

 

[Kazzy47]

Thanks Andy,

I have had those talks with him, he thinks I'm calling him abnormal and he gets angry and upset.
He did have panic attacks in 6th grade, and anxiety which stopped him wanting to go to school, it took three weeks to get him to feel better at school again. We did get some help, which he was unhappy about, and wouldn't really talk to the therapist.
So, when I talk to him about having a plan and trying to help him the best way we can etc, he gets upset and thinks i'm making him different which he hates.
I think the hardest thing about this is that now he never thinks he is wrong, never says sorry, can't seem to accept that he plays a part in everything also. The school just want to control him I know, and the teachers are not that bad, this one is trying. Thanks for your reply and good luck with your family.

 

[LittleDudesMom]

Kazzy,

one reason we ask members to do a profile signature, like you see at the bottom of Andy and my posts, is so that we can get a little background on your family, but specifically, your difficult child. When you get a chance, follow the User CP link on the upper left of your page to create a signature profile. Thanks!

Since I don't have that information to go on, I have some questions. Does your son carry and diagnosis? Is he taking medications? Does he have an IEP or a 504? Does he have a Behavior Intervention Plan? The answers to these questions can help us move on from here.

Many times our challenging kids do get singled out - either they are called to a higher standard, or they are blamed for things first. It's really tough. Sometimes that's where their attitude comes from!

Could there be any academic frustrations that are leading to his anxiety or increased frustrations?

Glad you found your way to us! Welcome aboard!

Sharon