Unwanted Help from Others

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Georgiamomma, Sep 27, 2007.

  1. Georgiamomma

    Georgiamomma New Member

    In the summer my mother in law and father in law saw my difficult child in action for the first time. They know he has ADHD but not Conduct Disorder. They called and said they had done research on ADHD and they knew how to handle him. They are coming to see us and will spend 1/2 hour with him to "cure" him and will speak with me and my husband about our inappropriate parenting skills. How do I politely deal with this? We are considering letting them know about the CD because they are his grandparents and they are making all these judgements in a vacuum. They have know idea of his abuse or that his brother is now becoming violent in order to protect me. My preferred choice in dealing with my in-laws is less than christian-like. Anyone have any ideas?
     
  2. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    How about letting them try??

    I'm sure difficult child will change their minds for you.

    :rofl:

    Okay. So I'm in a mood today. lol Forgive me.

    But if I thought difficult child would give them a good dose of what it's like to live with him....... Honestly, I'd let them see it.

    My Mom told me constantly the only problems with Nichole was she was spoiled. So I let her stay for a month long visit. Nichole was brought home 1 1/2 weeks later. Mom tells me there is something seriously wrong with "that child". :rofl:

    I say "yep. I know. That's why she's on medications and has a psychiatrist." :nurse:

    If you don't want them to know the history or know what's really going on there is no law that says since their your inlaws that they have a right to know.

    When I don't feel comfortable discussing my difficult children or their disorders and ppl are offering advice ect, I just grin broadly and do alot of nodding, while letting it run in one ear and out the other.

    Hugs
     
  3. SnowAngel

    SnowAngel New Member

    Gosh, I am so sorry. In laws can complicate things. Best advice I know is don't take any advice from those who haven't dealt with similar situations. So many friends and family members mean well but they don't really understand what we deal with.

    I would politely (or not) tell them that you and husband are working on things yourself and any outside interferrance will restrict your difficult child's progress. You don't owe anyone any further explanations. I am so mentally drained dealing with my difficult child's that I don't need to explain their behavior to anyone who might argue how I am screwing up. We all know we make mistakes as parents..these kids don't come with kid specific instructions.

    If you really want them to get the full picture have them babysit for 2 hours. Go out with husband and relax. I bet they will be singing a different tune. Good luck.
     
  4. Georgiamomma

    Georgiamomma New Member

    I know your right. I think I will let them experience the true Tyler. I need to get a tougher skin about all of this I guess. You have made me feel better. Thnx
     
  5. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    I'm with Lisa (DaisyLover). Let them try. Hopefully, they'll be around for more than 30 minutes and get to see your son in action. If not, be prepared for lots more advice until they see the real thing. If they're willing, let them have him for a week or two. Better yet, see if they'd be willing to let him live with them for awhile. Sometimes kids like yours thrive in a home as a single child. It may not make much difference for your son, but it would certainly relieve some of the pain in your home.
     
  6. SnowAngel

    SnowAngel New Member

    Unfortunately those raising difficult child's are judged more than easy child parents. Completely unfair. You will get a tough layer of skin, but it doesn't make it hurt any less. Thankfully, you now have a support system filled with parents who are equally frustrated with school, family, friends, society and even our precious difficult child's. You are not alone now and I am glad you are here getting support.
     
  7. SnowAngel

    SnowAngel New Member

    My 14yr daughter went to live with her dad. She is the third child but is totally an only child. She is so much happier living as an only child too. I do miss her though.
     
  8. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Chances are their magic cure is something you have already tried. Just let them get it out. It might help them move past their bubble of knowledge. Maybe they will continue to research. In fact, I like that they did some research.

    I am willing to bet they talk about a gluten free diet. It seems to be helping many people lately. I am thinking of trying it with my difficult child. I just need her in a better place to try it. Otherwise I will lose all possibility.

    That is not the answer for everybody - nothing is.
     
  9. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    Hi! 1/2 an hour isn't gonna do it! I suggest you let them stay with him long enough for you to "run a few errands". Our difficult child's can handle 1/2 an hour of behaving. It's longer than that when the um, "poop" hits the fan.

    They asked for it..... :smile:



    Beth
     
  10. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Girl, not only let them try..

    get him all hyped up on sugar first. Then drop him off at their house for a week.

    "cure" him indeed.
     
  11. AllStressedOut

    AllStressedOut New Member

    I agree with BBK, pack him full of sugar and get him all hyped up before their visit. I am not strict on my kids when we go to the psychiatrists office because I want the Dr. to see how my kids REALLY behave. Am I capable of getting them under control? Yes I am, but what good does it do the doctor to see 3 kids sitting nicely reading magazines? Same with in-laws.

    When in front of watchful eyes we all tend to attempt to control our kids better, for others sake. Your in-laws may be used to seeing difficult child "in control." Or as in control as he can be.

    When husband and I first married I did not get along with my mother in law or father in law. They thought I was too strict. mother in law has come around some, but I still think deep down she is hiding how she truly feels about me. At least for now we're getting along better.

    Let mother in law and father in law get it out of their system and go from there. They will continue to believe they're right until they try and fail. Let them fail and by ALL means, set them up to fail. They need to quit judging you. This job is a lot more difficult than raising PCs.
     
  12. weaselqt

    weaselqt New Member

    What is their cure? I'd like to know! :rolleyes:
     
  13. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    I am with weasle, I would not let difficult child go with father in law, his cure would be a beating, and that would be after his wife fed difficult child full of junk food and chain smoked in the same room with him. I only go for letting them try to cure him if the cure is safe.
     
  14. Sheila

    Sheila Moderator

    Well, my response would likely be considered inappropriate. Reaction: Laughing so hard tears are rolling.

    They are ignorant of neurological disorders. I suspect you will be wasting your breath, but "thanks, we'll take it under advisement with-his doctors" might help.

    Sometimes, you just have to draw a line in the sand. It's really none of their business unless you want it to be.
     
  15. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green

    When are they coming for their visit? Can we all come watch and maybe learn how we too are showing inappropriate parenting skills? (I'll bring the popcorn)

    Honestly though, I think I would (try to anyway)listen long enough to find out what this "cure" of theirs is and if it's not wacked out or harmful...sure go for it. Actually I'm for the "send them the kid for a week" idea myself but that's just me. Nothing like seeing people who have it all figured out run for the hills once they get a dose of our difficult child's at their best.
     
  16. DFrances

    DFrances Banned

    Let them know I will invest in their "cure" and have a standing room only of parents and professionals ready to buy in as well !
     
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