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Up and Down, Good and Bad kind of Weekend...
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<blockquote data-quote="trinityroyal" data-source="post: 391476" data-attributes="member: 3907"><p>DF, you did a great job in standing firm. AND in making sure that husband did too. Our difficult children can be master manipulators, and it's way too easy to cave in just to avoid the conflict of the moment even though you know you're setting yourself up for worse battles later.</p><p></p><p>Your difficult child really does have it down to an art form, doesn't she. She's on a par with my difficult child a few years ago. The grandiosity and self-centredness are so hard to live with. Your daughter seems to really get a rise out of pulling your strings, and "making" you do things. She walked faster and faster, in order to make you walk faster and faster trying to keep up with you. She pretended to do just enough chores to get back in your good graces, in the hope that she could make you buy her an expensive dress. Etc. etc. I wonder what would happen if you simply stopped. Let natural consequences completely take over. After years of battles and heartache, and nearly losing my mind from stress and situational depression, I just stopped. And difficult child's behaviour -- at least in front of me -- improved dramatically.</p><p>Interestingly, when other family members saw how much better he was behaving for me, they started being hard-nosed as well, and difficult child's behaviour has improved across the board. </p><p></p><p>Here are the "laws" I laid down for difficult child:</p><p>1. I always assume that you're lying, unless there is independent proof not provided or coerced by you.</p><p>2. You are not in charge, I am. Our family is not a democracy. It is a dictatorship, and I am the tin-pot-dictator-in-chief. That means that whatever I say goes. No matter how arbitrary or unreasonable it seems to you.</p><p>3. If I haven't given express permission, you're not allowed to.</p><p>4. If your behaviour is unacceptable, then fun stuff is cancelled. Not for the rest of us, but for you. This might mean that I take everyone else and go elsewhere, or it might mean that you have to go elsewhere. It depends on what we're doing and who's involved.</p><p>5. You are responsible for regulating yourself. That means bathing, doing your laundry, taking your medications on time and properly, controlling your behaviour and moods, getting to bed on time, getting up on time, etc. I will not nag or remind you. If I see (or smell) that you're not doing these things properly, then fun stuff is cancelled (see above).</p><p></p><p>Through lots of trial and error, we've learned that we can never (I mean NEVER EVER) get lax with those rules. It's very tempting to lighten up when your difficult child starts behaving properly, especially if they've been doing so for a while. But I've found that the minute you bend even one tiny rule, that puts all of the rules into question. If one rule is adjusted, it invalidates not just that rule, but every rule ever established. And then the hard work of re-imposing the rules begins again.</p><p></p><p>I long ago gave up hoping that my difficult child would behave properly because he loves me and wants to please me. I've learned that the only thing that motivates him is self-interest, specifically pleasure vs. pain. So, I've structured all interactions with difficult child so that behaving badly involves a lot of grief (but no drama or conflict, because he feeds on that), and behaving well gives him pleasure. His needs are pretty simple: he wants his younger siblings to look up to him, he wants to spend time with the family, he wants us to buy him video games and car models. If he behaves well, he gets all of those things. If not, not.</p><p></p><p>I don't know if any of this is of help to you, but your difficult child sounds so much like mine was a few years ago.</p><p></p><p>Trinity</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="trinityroyal, post: 391476, member: 3907"] DF, you did a great job in standing firm. AND in making sure that husband did too. Our difficult children can be master manipulators, and it's way too easy to cave in just to avoid the conflict of the moment even though you know you're setting yourself up for worse battles later. Your difficult child really does have it down to an art form, doesn't she. She's on a par with my difficult child a few years ago. The grandiosity and self-centredness are so hard to live with. Your daughter seems to really get a rise out of pulling your strings, and "making" you do things. She walked faster and faster, in order to make you walk faster and faster trying to keep up with you. She pretended to do just enough chores to get back in your good graces, in the hope that she could make you buy her an expensive dress. Etc. etc. I wonder what would happen if you simply stopped. Let natural consequences completely take over. After years of battles and heartache, and nearly losing my mind from stress and situational depression, I just stopped. And difficult child's behaviour -- at least in front of me -- improved dramatically. Interestingly, when other family members saw how much better he was behaving for me, they started being hard-nosed as well, and difficult child's behaviour has improved across the board. Here are the "laws" I laid down for difficult child: 1. I always assume that you're lying, unless there is independent proof not provided or coerced by you. 2. You are not in charge, I am. Our family is not a democracy. It is a dictatorship, and I am the tin-pot-dictator-in-chief. That means that whatever I say goes. No matter how arbitrary or unreasonable it seems to you. 3. If I haven't given express permission, you're not allowed to. 4. If your behaviour is unacceptable, then fun stuff is cancelled. Not for the rest of us, but for you. This might mean that I take everyone else and go elsewhere, or it might mean that you have to go elsewhere. It depends on what we're doing and who's involved. 5. You are responsible for regulating yourself. That means bathing, doing your laundry, taking your medications on time and properly, controlling your behaviour and moods, getting to bed on time, getting up on time, etc. I will not nag or remind you. If I see (or smell) that you're not doing these things properly, then fun stuff is cancelled (see above). Through lots of trial and error, we've learned that we can never (I mean NEVER EVER) get lax with those rules. It's very tempting to lighten up when your difficult child starts behaving properly, especially if they've been doing so for a while. But I've found that the minute you bend even one tiny rule, that puts all of the rules into question. If one rule is adjusted, it invalidates not just that rule, but every rule ever established. And then the hard work of re-imposing the rules begins again. I long ago gave up hoping that my difficult child would behave properly because he loves me and wants to please me. I've learned that the only thing that motivates him is self-interest, specifically pleasure vs. pain. So, I've structured all interactions with difficult child so that behaving badly involves a lot of grief (but no drama or conflict, because he feeds on that), and behaving well gives him pleasure. His needs are pretty simple: he wants his younger siblings to look up to him, he wants to spend time with the family, he wants us to buy him video games and car models. If he behaves well, he gets all of those things. If not, not. I don't know if any of this is of help to you, but your difficult child sounds so much like mine was a few years ago. Trinity [/QUOTE]
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