Upcoming sentencing

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by PonyGirl65, Feb 22, 2016.

  1. PonyGirl65

    PonyGirl65 Active Member

    Hello All! I was a long-time member to this site, but I haven't been on in over 4 years....Things are pretty much the same. But different ;-) Difficult child is now 30, soon to be 31, and in about the same place as he was the last time I was here. His addiction had turned to "the hard stuff" in recent years, and he is a heroin addict. This has caused him to continue to commit crimes. The latest was major theft, over $20K stolen from a church. He was stopped while driving a vehicle without the owner's consent, and found to be in possession of a firearm. He has been in county jail on those charges since August 2015. He will be sentenced on March 11, 2016. I could do with some extra support from all the Board Aunties...
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  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry you are suffering because of your son's crimes. I hope you go for professional help to learn how to best cope and make yourself content that you have done all you can and deserve to have a happy life in spite of your son's self-destructive behavior.

    Remember the Serenity Prayer and take it personally:

    God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I can not change,
    the Courage to change t he things I can,
    and the Wisdom to know t he difference.

    You can't change your son and in my opinion should not help him or he won't learn and he desperately needs to learn. But you can help yourself be proud of the kindhearted, loving woman that you are and to focus on yourself and your loved ones and friends who are able to give you the kind of relationship you deserve to have with others.

    Lots and lots of hugs!!
  3. PonyGirl65

    PonyGirl65 Active Member

    Thanks for your reply S O T ;-) I am well-versed in the Serenity Prayer, part of my story is I myself am a recovering addict, clean for 26 years. I know well also the act of Tough Love and not rescuing. I haven't rescued him in more than 10 years now. But it still is hard to bear. I know I've done the best I can. I just hurt for his good heart, he's in there somewhere, a sweetheart of a guy. He's just so dang sick with his addiction, it has turned his whole life to an ugly existence.

    Thanks for the hugs!!
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  4. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Yes, addiction is an ugly disease. It robs of so much.
  5. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Hi Ponygirl and welcome back, but goodness, I wish things would have gone better for your son, so that you didn't need to be back here, nevertheless, I am glad you have posted.
    I am so sorry for this. It is difficult to see our children go this route. Ten years is a long time hoping PonyGirl, I know the pain of it, 18 years of ups and downs with Rain, 11, with Tornado and the grands. Sigh. I am so sorry for your heartache.
    Sending prayers and support for you, and hopes that the future will bring change for your son, and peace of mind and heart for you. You are not alone. Keep posting and let us know how you are doing.......

  6. Sister's Keeper

    Sister's Keeper Active Member

    Well, you can come sit next to me. Not a child but my sister is a heroin addict being sentenced to 5 years next Tuesday. I am raising her kids, though, because she won't get off drugs and stay out of jail. For fun, I will share the quote of the century which pushed me straight over the edge:

    She was offered the choice of an 18 month inpatient program followed 3.5 years of IOP treatment, with vocational rehab, which would set her up with a job and housing, or a 5 year sentence in state prison. She chose the 5 year sentence because.... "I'm not ready to stop getting high yet." :censored2:

    So here are some of the interesting things we discussed in "Adult Son in Jail" thread:

    Our loved ones facing long sentences have already figured out that they will do less than 1/2 their sentence. (and we secretly wish they were doing longer)

    It is, oddly, a relief that they are getting these sentences. In both Detaching Mother's and my case this is 18 month where we know that they are safe from the dangers of the street, and less likely to be using drugs, and, therefore, overdose.

    There are, at least, some drug addiction groups in jail, which they will attend to reduce their sentence, maybe something will stick in their heads.
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  7. PonyGirl65

    PonyGirl65 Active Member

    SK, you are so right on with your sentiments! It used to be, the worst thing I could imagine for Difficult Child would be if he were sent to jail. That soon turned to "Whew! He's locked up! Thank goodness!" And then....it was the worse thing ever if he were sent to prison. Nowadays, my take on that is "Well....there's better programs in the State system than in the County system" Yoikes!

    Thank you everyone for your warm welcome back and gentle words of support. And here is a question for more discussion: Long, long ago, I made the promise to myself that I would never visit him in jail ever again. Been there, done that, no more no more no more!! Won't put myself through that.

    And now, I am considering attending the court hearing for sentencing. At first I rejected the idea out of hand, based on the same principle as not visiting. But now, I am wavering. I am trying to weigh the consequences...if I will feel bad for not attending. NOT that I would be there to try & influence the judge AT ALL!! (Not like the bad old days) But that I would be there to show Difficult Child my love and support.

  8. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    I haven't been in your shoes, so my words are just theory. But to me, going to the sentencing - or anything in court - is a whole different situation than going to visit him in jail.
  9. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    You have a bit of time to think about this and sit with your feelings.
    That is some good advice I received here.
    Sit with the feelings.
    Not the see-sawing up and down emotional swirly whirly feelings.
    Certainly, get those OUT.
    Rely on thoughts and feelings that come from a center of balance.
    In order to do that, it takes time and effort to work on ourselves.
    Focus on you.
    That is what we are learning here.
    To focus on ourselves.
    Build ourselves up to a point where we can make choices based on steady state.
    There is a certain amount of desperation that flows over and around and through us when our kids go off the rails.
    So many different emotions.

    Other words of wisdom I received here is to slow.....way.....down.
    Your sons court date is in a couple of weeks.
    Take the time you need to think it through and keep posting.
    I think the responses you will receive here coming from caring, kind and concerned folks will help you decide what your course will be.
    Breathe PonyGirl, you got this.
    What helps me tremendously with my twos situation, is that I gave them over to God. If you have that belief in a Higher Power, take your concerns there, with faith that the answers will come.

    You will know, because you will be at peace with your decision.

    Take care and be very kind to yourself. You are not alone.

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  10. Ironbutterfly

    Ironbutterfly Active Member

    I am so sorry that things have turn out the way they have for your son. Heartbreaking I know. I am a true believer that sometimes people have to hit rock bottom before they turn their lives around. Even though going to jail for years at a time is hard it also is a relief in some ways. It's a relief to the families who worried non stop day and night where their child was, who they were with, were they dealing, doing drugs, over dosing, stealing, etc. He will have a bed, food, counseling, perhaps learn a job skill, get cleaned out from the drugs and have to think about their decisions and whether or not they want to change their lives around.

    Big Hugs and Prayers. Keep us posted.
  11. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    Hi, Pony Girl


    I remember you so well, and am glad to see you again. Just being here, reading how other parents are seeing their situations helps me know I am where I need to be with my own kids.

    It's still hard.

    What do you think you will do, regarding the Court date? I would be torn, too. But at the end of the day, I would attend. Court dates were never something we envisioned for any of our futures when the kids were little.

  12. OTE

    OTE Active Member

  13. okie girl

    okie girl Active Member

    Hello PonyGirl.....I am in the same place you are. My son is 44 and sitting in the county jail. The first time he went to jail, I was so upset. But now....I feel like he is better off there than out on the streets with drug dealers. He has 2 felonies and goes to court March 23rd. He will most likely get prison time. I received a letter from him last week. He says he is starving and has never been so hungry in his life.
    He wants me to put $30 a week on his books and to send him stamps and stationary. I have really given this a lot of thought and have decided not to do anything. I am not going to court because I just can't deal with seeing the outcome. I have told him there is consequences for breaking the law and using drugs. I have also told him I would not come to jail and see him behind bars. I love him but I had to set boundaries, which is very hard. This forum has been a life saver to me. I have turned my son over to God.There are very kind and wise people here that will help you get through this. (((Hugs)))
  14. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Hi PonyGirl and welcome back. I am a new member in the last year. The board has been such a source of knowledge and caring.

    I agree with the others. Your son needs a stop sign. I hope he gets time but not too much but in any event what will be, will be. He will be safe in prison. He can go to college. There is NA. Psychiatric treatment if he wants. I would not fear his going to prison. He will have a chance now.
    You know, sometimes I think this is the hardest part of all of this. To deal with our own grief at what our stories have become, in the most constructive and hopeful way. To stay in the game as parents, instead of rejecting our kids because they mirror back to us what we perceive as our own failures.

    PonyGirl, I am glad you are back. I hope you keep posting. Take care. If you decide you will go to the court date, we will be there too, with you and your son.

    OK. March 11th. I will be sure to remember because I have a medical procedure that day.