Update. A little drama...

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by in a daze, Jan 21, 2014.

  1. in a daze

    in a daze Well-Known Member

    So my son has moved from his restrictive recovery home mainly because said recovery home requires their residents to get a job in a certain amount of time or find another placement. He had another three weeks but since this present place he is at is on north side with lots more jobs and close to favorite uncle, sister and cousin and had one bed open we moved him last Monday.

    This sober living home is more liberal as to curfew, cellphone/internet and money.

    Had him open account with 100.00 from other bank account and 100.00 gift from grandparents.

    Bank account drained in one week. difficult child asking for more money. He has ramen noodles and peanut butter emergency food (buy own cook own food) Claims money taken out of wallet at public library. Claims no utensils to cook ramen noodles in.

    Called house manager. He will talk to difficult child. difficult child called and is perturbed that they are having him do a drop.

    My poor husband had flat tire on way home from train station. Worried about elderly grandparents as Grandpa in skilled nursing facility, 93 years old s/p sepsis, alert but heavy one assist transfer; that's in physical therapy as they use a lift to get him in/out of bed. One son and three grandchildren have taken most of the money they would have used for the recommended nursing home or 24 hour care. Grandpa and Grandma are co dependent but they don't know it!
     
  2. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    First, I am sorry you are having to listen to all of this from your son and deal with the emotions that come with it. It seems never-ending at times, doesn't it?

    Sounds sooooooo familiar. My son has complained relentlessly about every halfway house and rehab, plus jail(s) and workhouses, from day one. It's amazing how many people and places are out to get him and are so unfair. They all just pick on him. The whole world is out to get him.

    Really?

    The last rehab (he got kicked out twice for failing drug tests over a five month period) was a work/therapy program, long-term, minimum of six months. He worked 40 hours a week. He got an allowance, starting small and getting increases as he worked their program of recovery. Well that wasn't fair. He was working without getting paid. Whoops, he forgot about room, board, therapy, etc. Who did he think was paying for that? (The rehab was "free", there was no charge as it was a ministry. We have already paid for multiple rehabs).

    Almost funny if it wasn't so darned exhausting and sad.

    You know, listening to someone recite every single obstacle they encounter in their day is unbelievable isn't it? Just think about how many obstacles you and I face on an hourly basis, we're cold, the icemaker quit, we're too fat for our favorite pants, etc. We just deal with it (maybe with a little complaining to our best friends from time to time).

    My son likes to tell me all of his issues, including, like yours, no pan to cook in.

    Well, who made these choices that landed you right here? Not me.

    So, you're an adult. Deal with it. Figure it out. You are smart and motivated enough to find drugs, take drugs and sell drugs, regardless of the complete train wreck you are making of your life, so I am sure you can find a pan to cook in.

    I know, this isn't what we say, because we are still working hard to be kind even when they aren't but that is what we are thinking, isn't it?

    I don't know about you, but I am so sick and tired. I had to get sick and tired before I was willing to do something different. I just can't live another person's life for them. I just can't figure out every move another person needs to make to have a life. It's all I can do to live my own life.

    Here is where I am, for what it's worth: No money (for anything, not anything), no rides, no nothing. No money on your account in jail. Right now, he's in jail and I'm not even visiting in jail. He can't come to my house to live. He can't go to his Dad's house to live. He is basically without anything. He has been homeless three times---once for a month.

    I did write one letter two weeks ago---very short, that said I have his things and when he gets settled, I will get them to him. I said I love you. I wish you the best.

    I am learning that about 95% of the time (or 96%, 97%, not sure of the exact number, lol), what I need to do is nothing. What I need to say is nothing. I want to be kind to him. I want to be encouraging. I want to be supportive. As I continue to reduce what I say and do to nearly nothing, I am learning that when I do more (more talking, more anything), it gets twisted up. And then I get twisted up. And then I end up doing things that are not good for me or for him. I am working hard on staying out of the way. And wow it is hard.

    Your son is a college graduate I see! Wow, that is awesome and amazing. Once he gets his life straight, he already has his education. From your signature, it looks like you have really been through it in the past year. I am sorry. I know every person's situation is different, but strangely, we have remarkably similar stories.

    I pray that your son gets a job, gets going, takes responsibility for himself and builds a life so you can enjoy a relationship with him in his adult years. I pray that for all of us. Hang in there.
     
  3. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    IAD, I am sorry. It just continues.........I liked everything that childofmine said, she hit on all the good points.............and well, he had his money stolen? Gee, if my money was stolen it would be too bad, so sad for me. If I couldn't figure out how to cook ramen noodles, well, I guess if I were hungry enough, I would eat the peanut butter out of the jar.

    You've done enough now. Let him figure it out. Sorry about the grandparents, that's sad. A lesson for those of us who have given away our resources to our kids...................hang in there IAD..............hugs............
     
  4. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    Wow, child of mine.

    You are right about the more we talk, the more twisted we become. I love the part about telling about every rotten detail of the challenges of the day. You are right! What would the kids think if we started complaining about not having a pan?!?

    Great, strengthening post. I need to think like this. Once again, it's about seeing our adult kids as adults. For their own good and for ours.

    Cedar
     
  5. in a daze

    in a daze Well-Known Member

    Great post Childofmine!

    Yes, just like you, I am sick and tired of his issues. I just want it all to go away...

    Thanks Recovering and Cedar.

    I got a very discouraging call from the house manager who spoke to difficult child yesterday and was concerned that therapy appointment has not been set up (he did call, waiting for callback) and difficult child did not know date of next psychiatric appointment (it is in Feb.) Thinks he may need a higher level of care. Has concerns about his behavior. difficult child is kind of listless and unmotivated. Claims he can't sit down at the computer and fill out job applications. Someone piled up newspapers at the front door and house manager think's it's him although no proof (no reports of this at the last place). He doesn't think he is using though he couldn't urinate for the drop.

    I did see him today. He took two trains and I met him to drive him to the Vocational Rehabilitation appointment. He was on time. He was going on and on about how I should have never said anything, and now he can't be comfortable there (part of his personality disorder is that he is a little suspicious and paranoid). At least he made the appointment himself. Told him he was getting 80.00 a week and that's it. That is what is left over after the rent from his SSI payments. He was accepting of that.

    I am upset about what the house manager told me. I hope we don't have to move him again. He's been feeling better since he got there, except for the lack of motivation. Maybe I should have waited for the counselor to suggest somewhere, although he did look at it and thought it was a good program.
     
  6. in a daze

    in a daze Well-Known Member

    Great post Childofmine!

    Yes, just like you, I am sick and tired of his issues.

    Thanks, Recovering and Cedar.

    I got a very discouraging call from the house manager who spoke to difficult child yesterday and was concerned that therapy appointment has not been set up (he did call, waiting for callback) and difficult child did not know date of next psychiatric appointment (it is in Feb.) Thinks he may need a higher level of care. Has concerns about his behavior. difficult child is kind of listless and unmotivated. Claims he can't sit down at the computer and fill out job applications. Someone piled up newspapers at the front door and house manager think's it's him although no proof (no reports of this at the last place). He doesn't think he is using though he couldn't urinate for the drop.

    I did see him today. He took two trains and I met him to drive him to the Vocational Rehabilitation appointment. He was on time. He was going on and on about how I should have never said anything, and now he can't be comfortable there (part of his personality disorder is that he is a little suspicious and paranoid). At least he made the appointment himself. Told him he was getting 80.00 a week and that's it.
     
  7. in a daze

    in a daze Well-Known Member

    And I am upset today about what the house manager told me. I did pick it out and his counselor thought it was a good placement. Maybe I should have let him recommend a place. I would hate to move him again. He has been feeling better, of late, despite the lack of motivation. Moving him again may just put him over the edge.

    He has to be reminded to make appointments and fix things himself. He was running out of his medications before he sees the new psychiatrist and I told him to call old psychiatrist ask for one more refill till next appointment and he says to me "Taking care of all these appointments and stuff is just too much for me." The inference: I should step in and do it for him.

    Will he ever be able to live on his own?

    Like you said, childofmine, I am so sick and tired of it!
     
  8. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    IAD, can he eventually be placed in a group home or a permanent place where he is taken care of? I have heard Calamity Jane speak of her brother who has been in a group home for many years and is assisted apparently in the ways he needs to be assisted. Have any of his counselors given you any clue as to what happens next? How long does he have to stay in the sober living placement before he can move to a more permanent setting?

    I feel for you IAD, geez, I can completely understand feeling sick and tired. (((HUGS)))
     
  9. Echolette

    Echolette Well-Known Member

    Ah...the call from the house manager (or case worker or public defender or guidance counsellour or friend or restaurant owner--I throw that in there because my difficult child likes to show up at the restaurants I used to frequent and ask for food--) the concerned adult who has suggestions for what you should be doing better, or more of.
    I am tired of those calls also. They mean well but they have an undertone of holding me (us) accountable for either the bad actions or behavior of our difficult children, or a mildly accustory tone of "why are you dropping the ball on this".
    Those calls are hard.
    I don't have an answer for them.
    I just thought I'd share that I know that feeling, and I bet a lot of you do.
    Echo.
     
  10. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    I wanted you to know I am following too, IAD.

    How are you and husband holding up?

    Cedar
     
  11. in a daze

    in a daze Well-Known Member

    Yes, Echo, his tone had a accusatory edge to it although he kind of backed off when I had an answer to all his questions, said they'd try to work with him. Although the problem was my son most likely gave him some vague answer about the appointments which did not satisfy.



    I have thought of that, Cedar. We both have thought of that. For now, we will see if he can get it together. There are lots of social service agencies in the area he is in. If he fails here he'll have to go to a higher level of care and then he can be evaluated.

    He is now getting weekly DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy) which he did make the appointment himself also individual therapy. So he has been making some strides in being responsible for his OWN appointments and his OWN medications although I'm sure he would be more than happy for me to take over.

    Fortunately I have not heard any complaints from house manager about pills being all over the place which was an issue at the last place he was at. At least not yet.

    Steeling myself for the call "I'm out of money".

    Husband and I are doing ok Cedar, thanks for asking! Husband continues to analyze difficult child'S behavior to the nth degree, and I try to indulge him. I do have bouts of anxiety about this stuff. I was really anxious Friday, the day of his therapy appointment. I texted him train directions then told him do NOT contact me at work, too busy call dad if necessary. Did not check my phone. He did find it ok.
     
  12. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Well, right now things are holding steady.................enjoy it.............go do some fun and nurturing things for yourself while these quiet times are with you................they may stay, but they may be temporary, at least until he is squared away, more permanently......................thinking of you and sending good thoughts...............lots of hugs too............
     
  13. in a daze

    in a daze Well-Known Member

    Thank you SO much, Recovering!

    I take it one day at a time. That is all I can do. I try not to ruminate about the future too much or I'll go nuts...
     
  14. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I think around here IAD, we ALL take it one day at a time! I have to stay right here in the NOW too...........not rehashing the past and not rehearsing for the future...................or I would go nuts too.............so these little moments of peace mean so much.................ENJOY!!! :)
     
  15. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    I'm sure you are already doing this, but does son have one of those erasable boards for keeping track of appointments, phone numbers, that kind of thing? What about a plastic bin for on top of the fridge where he can keep bills/important papers/the mail when it comes in? I know that when I am feeling overwhelmed, any organizing tool I use anywhere (even cleaning the drawers in the kitchen and getting them re-organized) helps me to feel more capable of dealing with other areas that are out of my control.

    That is how we dealt with multiple appointments and the chaos of where the mail went for difficult child daughter. (The erasable board was her idea. It worked great. There were three kids, difficult child, and me to keep track of. We used a different colored marker for each of us. Everyone knew who had a doctor's appointment and when, what the bus schedule was, phone numbers for schools and doctors, when I would be there and when I would be gone, difficult child work schedule, kids appointments.

    I think a tool like that might help your difficult child feel more in charge of his affairs.

    Cedar

    Also...has there been a change in son since beginning the Cymbalta?
     
  16. in a daze

    in a daze Well-Known Member

    No erase board, but he has a calendar and he uses the alarm and the calendar on his phone (I contantly stress the importance of this) and he seems to be starting to get it since he remembered his last two appointments all by himself! I know, sounds like I'm talking about a toddler.

    As for the Cymbalta, Cedar, he is no longer taking it, having switched back to Zoloft. He was switched to Cymbalta in the fall for its norepinephrine effect which would hopefully have an impact on his ADHD and I don't know if it helped that much or maybe it was hard to tell since the paranoia and delusions took weeks to go away. He thought he felt better on the Zoloft so he went back on it last month. But he definitely needs something else since he reports that he is unmotivated to apply for jobs and can't sit still to do that, but of course the stimulants are not an option. psychiatric appoinment in a week so we'll see.

    He called me today for guess what: money! Needs money for cleaning supplies.(?) Well he lasted just about a week. It will be a week tomorrow morning. Not too bad...
     
  17. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    :O)

    Hi! I've been wondering about you!

    I know it's so hard to find time to get on the site when things are popping everywhere with the kids ~ but it sure is good to see you.

    Cymbalta was the medication that tipped difficult child daughter into a really destructive manic phase. It doesn't seem to have done that to your son, though.


    Sending you a smile, and wishing a really fine day.

    You sound like you are coping well. I'm sorry son is still struggling. It is so hard a thing to watch, such a helpless feeling.

    Cedar
     
  18. in a daze

    in a daze Well-Known Member

    You're right, hard to watch. But necessary for his development. I'm trying not to rescue him.

    He's going to a meeting with his cousin tomorrow. I reached out to her. She has major depression and was an alcoholic but has been sober for four years now. She lives in the same area of the city he is in. I hope he can become involved with a new peer group.
     
  19. in a daze

    in a daze Well-Known Member

    Oh about the Cymbalta...he's been on Zoloft for a month without a mood stabilizer so that is almost diagnostic that he's not bipolar, from what I've read, since SSRI's (and maybe Cymbalta, too, which is an SNRI) can cause mania in people who are truly bipolar like your daughter.
     
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