update and a bit of a whine

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by rejectedmom, Jan 26, 2010.

  1. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    difficult child is to be released next week. I have left his placement and programs up to him. He says he has applied for medical assistance food stamps and cash assistance. He also has put in for a halfway house. I hope he is tellimg the truth and that there is a bed for him. I decided that I am not finding resources for him or anything like that at first. I want him to try and then maybe he will work harder at the programs since the choices were his own. I do anticipate that he will need help within a few weeks of his release but am hoping not. I told my husband that if difficult child goes back to drugs or crime that I want to withdraw from his life entirely. husband says he understands how I feel but was non-commital.

    I still haven't convinced husband that I need to move from this house so I am not alone all the time. Sigh
    He says he understands that I am lonely and feel unconnected and if I really want to move he is OK with it. Then he spends the weekends piddling around and not working on getting the house in order to sell. He also frequently tells me about how much money we will loose selling in this down market. I counter with the fact that we also will get a better deal on our new place but for now we are in a stalemate.

    husband's answer to my loniness is for me to join more groups. I have already joined the historical society and the Red Hatter's and applied to be a docent at a local museum non of which turned out to be a good fit for me. My Red hatter ladies are all way older than me and only meet to go out to eat once a month and not at nice resturants. It is diner style food and a couple games of bingo. Cultural events consist of the Christmas show at a local dinner theater and maybe a trip to the bontanical gardens in the spring. Uur last guest speaker was about assisted living. Forgive me for wanting more youthful activities but I am a lively 50 something not a 70-80 year old thinking about assisted living and retirement communities. Son't getme wrong. They are very nice ladies and I care about them alot but like I said it is not a good fit. The historical society turned out to be extrememly clicky and full of strife. I do not need that!!!! The docet thing was affiliated with the HS and so the same problems.

    I am concidering joining the red Cross but am holding back right now. The thing is a part of me does not want to join a service organization because I have given service all my life and am tired of having demands put on me. It is my experience that once I volunteer for anything I'm mercilessly hounded for more and more of my time. The organizations I have belonged to in the past have tried to load me up with responsibilities and if I declined they got huffy. I really just want to have fun and be a part of something.

    I also considered the local chapter of AARP but found them to be much older than me also although I am thinking about becomming a tax volunteer. I know don't think too long or tax season will be over. -RM

    I have suggested American Legion and the Eagles. Problem is husband doesn't want to join anything himself and many of the couple oriented organizations meet when husband isn't here.

    So it is me once again trying to find a niche on my own in a place that difficult child has told many lies and angered many people. It is hard on me but husband doesn't get it. He travels alot or goes to work. He has lunch with his work friends, comes home to me, sees the grands on the weekends and reads and sleeps and watches TV the rest of the time. My best friends are either dead or live far away. My sisters and brothers live far away, my parents are dead and my kids are adults living their own busy lives.

    On top of that I am feeling anxiety about my difficult child being out. I know he is not a threat to me anymore aslong as he is not using but is till am feeling vulnerable. I need distractions and fun things to do with other healthy adults. -RM
    Last edited: Jan 26, 2010
  2. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    RM, I think you're right to step back and let difficult child take the reins on this. I hope he has some success.

    As for husband...........well, can't help you there. ;)

    You're an artist, aren't you? Are there any local painting groups? I joined one up here a few years ago and there were women of all ages, from all kinds of different lifestyles. If I'd had more time it would have been a lot of fun.

  3. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    Suz, It helps to just be able to say what I feel about husband so you did help.

    There is a local arts guild but I had been warned off of it by a neighbor who is also an artist. I went over there and checked out the gallery anyway. They give classes and have shows but it is very amature and has many children as members... But I do think I will check it out further just not tell them that I used to teach art in a public school. Besides I haven't painted in so long now that I might be rusty enough to pass as an amature LOL -RM
  4. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    Oh yeah! I just went to the art guild website. It seems that what is in the gallery now are student works. There are many accomplished artist members. (not my neighbor though) I'm not sure if they have activities other than shows classes and their annual meetings. But members can sign up to do things like man the gallery, bookkeeping, and hanging shows etc. So maybe that would be a way for me to meet others. Unfortunately, I missed this round of classes cut off registration was the 6th. I was hoping to take one to get me painting again. Oh well.

    They give you a members page on their website with your active membership. It is small but nice. I have to get my artist's statement ready & a few slides of my works ready before I can apply. Not sure if I want to submit my photography or my paintings or both. -RM
    Last edited: Jan 26, 2010
  5. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    This sounds like a possible! Remember that just because you might not find exactly what you are looking for right now, doesn't mean you can't be instrumental in changing the program or the participants or the slant. I'm excited for you- good luck!

  6. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    thank you Sus!
  7. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I'm glad that you are letting difficult child handle his own stuff. I do know what you mean about husband.

    When Suz said that about being an artist, it made me think of my friend, Kim. If I am counting right, Kim is 63 (ish?). She's always been a free spirit, had no children, graduated from a State University with a bachelors in Art but never worked in the field. She always has worked when needed, but never had a career, if you know what I mean. Bartender, house cleaning, waitress, etc.

    Anyway, Kim is super friendly, and can talk to most anyone. She definitely knows her own mind. Last autumn, she struck up a conversation with a lady at the grocery store who works in a nursing home as an activities director. Kim volunteered to do art classes one day a week at the home. It's pretty informal, I think she's there for 90 minutes or something. (She said that they pay her something like $10 an hour, but it's not about the money, I'm sure.) But she always has a "lesson plan" and a theme. She's big on collages, so that's what they started with. First week was cutting out pictures, then she had them mount them. The last couple of weeks she has been doing winter things, and I helped her find a way to make 3D snowflakes, which the folks made today.

    Kim's having a great time. She keeps it simple - scissors, glue, tape, staples. Like you would for smaller children. Except they're larger, and there's someone there to change their diaper for you if they need it! ;) Just kidding! But, Suz's suggestion made me think that you could think outside the box on giving of your time? There's lot's of people out there who don't have anyone to talk to or anything to do, and you have a lot to offer.

    {{{{{{{{Big hugs!}}}}}}}}
  8. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    Witz, Thank you for your suggestions. Actually I did interview for a job as an activities director's assistant at a nursing home a few years back. I went to work for the public schools instead. -RM
  9. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    RM I had no suggestions to offer and once again the marvelous diversity of the CD family comes through. I'm in awe of how much creativity and wisdom exists among our membership. :D

    I'm sure that the difficult child choice is right on target. husband's are husband's, lol. DDD
  10. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911


    I never liked the stress of wondering how MY peace would be compromised despite all my efforts to detach and grow in a different direction whenever Dude was going to be released from any programs. I would find optimism easily replaced by cynicism. Oddly enough DF never really vocalized himself on the matter and now I'm finding out he felt very much the same way. Men just deal differently.

    As to your hobbies and group of friends, sounds like Suz gave you a wonderful suggestion in your art. Here where I live there are so many different artists groups, and classes all the time one could go anywhere. Hobby Lobby and Michaels, Joannes have classes for all different levels. Youth centers are always begging for teachers (paid of course), Tech college has classes, Orphanages, Childrens homes, Women's & Children's Shelters, Mental Health - I mean why not start your own little business teaching?

    The big thing here right now is painting the outsides of coffee shops and little bistro's. It's huge.

    Also there's ballroom dancing. If you enjoy kinda being alone but like to get together with people once a week and have something to look forward to, like to exercise, and have the choice to compete or not? It's an awesome sport. My Mom is fantastic. Trinity does it. I have two left feet and I even try.

    What about a zoo? If I had any time OMG I would SO work at the zoo. Feeding animals. I know a lady that goes in a couple times a week to be a giraffe companion. She LOVES it. Set schedules, made friends with others that enjoy animals.

    What about hosting a book club at your house with a twist? A historical book club? Everyone has to read about a historical figure, then come once a week to talk about that person or event?

    Just thinking out loud.
  11. ThreeShadows

    ThreeShadows Quid me anxia?

    RM, I sure wish you lived near me. Last night I actually googled the sentence "I feel so alone".
  12. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    3S and RM....I think we are all 3 within driving distance of each other. So is Smallworld. Maybe we need to organize a girls lunch one of these weekends?

  13. ThreeShadows

    ThreeShadows Quid me anxia?

    I'm game...I'm a little intimidated by you, Suze, you are so elegant and such a lady. I'm just an old hippie, without the drugs and certainly without the sex.:redface:.
  14. ThreeShadows

    ThreeShadows Quid me anxia?

    See, I even managed to misspell your name!
  15. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    I second Star's recommendation about the ballroom dancing.
    My husband doesn't dance, so this is something I do alone. You can participate as much or as little as you want. Most studios offer a social dance evening, and a group lesson in addition to private lessons, so you have lots of opportunities to meet other people, get out and have fun.

    The art ideas sound wonderful as well.

  16. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    Oh my you are all so wonderful!!!!!

    DDD, I appreciate that you care enough to respond. It is nice to know that there are people out there who are willing to take the time to care.

    Star& Trinity, I want to live where you live!!! Thank you for such good suggestions. I think I gave the wrong impression this is not a big city it is really just a small town that incorporated. Sort of Main Street USA. No zoo or art musuems we do have a craft store store nearby. I'll look into classes to see if thereis anything that intrests me. Before we moved here I taught Adult Ed. They wanted me to stay but the cost of gas was greater than what they wanted to pay me. Unfortunately we do not have that type of program here. I would not mind volunteering in women's shelters but I'm steering clear of mental health. I just need a break from that. Besides difficult child left that program on very negative terms. I do not want to catch his fall out.

    I love ballroom dancing but unfortunately had to give it up because of the arthritis in my feet. I just bought those Shape Up sneakers and am hoping they will improve my gait and balance. Maybe then I can go back to dancing. We already tried orthodics, PT, and cortizone shots. The doctors say surgery but can't say what exactly the problem is (nerves or bones). two different incision sites two different surgeries two different doctors. Basicially they said they would do one and if that didn't work then they would do the other. I think not! So until they know which it is...I won't go under the knife. Especially with my inability to take pain medication. I'm looking into finding a foot and ancle specialist for a third opinion.

    Suz and Threeshadows, Lunch sounds like a nice plan. I am somewhere inbetween Elegant and a hippie so it should work out just fine. LOL
    Last edited: Jan 28, 2010
  17. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Well if you guys decide to do lunch, give me a few weeks notice and I will drive up to Jamies and come meet you guys! Yes, I will brave staying with the munchkins and daughter in law to come see ya! LOL.
  18. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    That would be great Janet! -RM
  19. ThreeShadows

    ThreeShadows Quid me anxia?

    Now, Janet, we'll give you directions in Portuguese...
  20. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    ROFL about Portuguese. Maybe we should suggest that Mapquest expand its services?

    3S- I had to chuckle at the "elegant" and "lady" descriptions, especially since a Tshirt and jeans is my preferred outfit. I don't go many places without mascara on though.

    RM- I met Janet and 3S in Cleveland and they are delightful. We'll have a great time. Hopefully this Spring we can manage it. You and I have been talking about getting together for years now. I hope we can do it this time.