Update and a Thankyou to teh Board

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by dstc_99, Jun 9, 2014.

  1. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    difficult child has been here 39 days. Still not job and not much looking is being done on her part. She did get a job as a babysitter for a family but they conveniently have never called her with a start date. Her constant complaints about money are not acknowledged by me. She isn’t going without she just doesn’t have any extra money to do much with. On the other hand she did make $160 for babysitting over the last two weeks. People here seriously overpay for daycare. Where has that money gone?
    Over the last two weeks difficult child has started taking my car out at night to visit friends. I don’t mind. It is after the time I would go anywhere and if an emergency should arise I have husband’s truck. On the other hand I do worry about her being out so late. One night she came home at 5am most of the other nights it has been around 1am. I spoke to her about her safety and the fact that driving so late at night/early in the morning is not such a good idea. I did not give her a curfew. She is 18 years old and not doing drugs or drinking so I don’t feel I should impose a curfew on her unless she is an issue.
    husband had me text difficult child at midnight Saturday and ask her to come home. We were planning to go out as a family Sunday and he wanted her to get enough sleep so she wouldn’t be evil. difficult child was not happy. She sent me a text saying “Jesus, OK” and then came home. The next morning she was not a happy camper and proceeded to take it out us. She felt husband was imposing a curfew on her and blew up. I had to sit husband down separately and discuss not engaging during the anger. After about 30 minutes to cool off I set them both down and had a conversation with them without playing into her game. Basically he was imposing a curfew without my knowledge and I had told her there was no curfew. Top that off with them not communicating with each other or me and “yippee let the fun begin.”
    The outcome was after about a hour we all went out and had a good day. I just wanted to say thank you to you guys for teaching me how to disengage and work stuff out so that my husband and I are happy with the outcome. difficult child’s threats of leaving didn’t even faze me. Her smart aleck comments and texts got non committal responses and actions from me. I made no commitments and I didn’t buy into the drama. So thanks once again for the support and the training to help me disconnect and make decisions that work for us and not just for difficult child.
    • Like Like x 2
    • Winner Winner x 2
    • List
  2. GoingNorth

    GoingNorth Crazy Cat Lady

    in my humble opinion, she SHOULD have a curfew. Not because of her age, but because she is sharing quarters with you. It is not unreasonable to expect her to be home by the time you and the family are going to bed for the night.

    18 isn't a magic age where suddenly one can do whatever one wants.

    Job? Why should she get a job. She's got free rent, the use of a car, and freedom to come and go as she pleases, let alone stay up and out until all hours of the night.

    None of these are things she would have if she were living on her own.
  3. Echolette

    Echolette Well-Known Member

    I agree about curfew. Its not curfew, its courtesy. I see no reason for her to be putting you in the position of stressing about how late she is out with your car...she can stay out as late as she wants when she doesn't live with you and it isn't an issue for you.

    I had a "curfew" at my mothers house even when I visited her in my late 20's!! She just didn't want to wake up at night wondering if I had come home yet.

    I do get that there is an issue if one of you says curfew and the other says no curfew, though. Consistency is helpful...but its fine to go back to difficult child and say "we talked, and here is what we decided..."
  4. GoingNorth

    GoingNorth Crazy Cat Lady

    I'm 53 years old. When I visit mum, who is 79, I STILL have a curfew. Quiet time is from 2:30PM-3:30PM when mum takes her nap, and from 11PM to 9AM.

    Mum actually goes to bed later, but likes to lay in bed and read at night. It's her house, and I just have to be a night owl quietly and with dim lighting.

    I do go out sometimes in the evening while visiting, but mum always knows where I am, how to reach me, and when I'll be home and whether or not I'll be home for dinner.

    It's about courtesy and respect, not about age.
  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I didn't have a curfew on my over eighteen kids either, but they absolutely had to call me, tell me where they were, and when they would be home and, if they were going to stay out all night, I needed to know where they were. For one thing, they had MY car. For another, I got very nervous not knowing where they were when they lived with me so one of our rules was that you had to check in or you could find your own transportation and, if this rule was violated too often, you had to move out. I needed my sleep and they needed to respect my rules. They did, even 36, although I have to say the boys rarely stayed out all night. More often Scott, who was not a party person, would call to tell me he was spending the night with one of his nerd/geek brainiac friends. Jumper is allowed to pretty much go where she wants, as she has never been in trouble at all, but again she has to let us know where she is. (She recently turned eighteen).

    in my opinion if they want to live with us, it isn't fair for them to take off and do what they want without letting us know where they are. Once they move out they can do that.

    My one child who was a problem at eighteen was not allowed to drive our car. She did sometimes sneak out of the house aned roam the streets, but we asked her to leave at age eighteen going on nineteen because she was using drugs. You say your daughter is not. Are you sure? What is she doing out all night?

    At any rate, this would not fly with me, I agree with your husband. Eighteen means more responsibility, not less, at least to me. It is not a ticket to go have a wonderful night out with Mom's car while not working during the day or going to school. It does not mean she can disappear and not tell anyone in the house where she is, even though they will worry. That's a lack of respect in my opinion.

    I she supporting herself? Paying for her car insurance and gas? If not, she is not old enough in my opinion to just go where she wants to go and not tell you about it. You've had some major issues with her, even if you have not seen her drinking or using drugs. She has been a problem and showed some poor judgment, as all our difficult children do. I would never give her that kind of "OK, schools out because you're eighteen!" Could just be my opinion, but that's how I feel.
    Last edited: Jun 10, 2014
  6. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    I think I will talk with husband and add that difficult child needs to let us know what time she will be home and let us know where she is going. For me that is a compromise that gives husband piece of mind while difficult child gets the freedom she wants. Right now she is visiting with a girlfriend that has a newborn. difficult child has been helping her friend out so the friend can get a little sleep.

    She doesn't have a job yet but she is going to get an ultimatum by the end of the week to get one. I refuse to keep paying for everything. One way we are planning to get her to take more responsibility is to have her earn her next car. We are going to give her old one to easy child. We agreed to match whatever she saves back and cosign on the loan as long as things remain amicable.

    As for drugs/alcohol, I don't think so. She isn't showing any signs that would make me worry and she isnt coming home impaired.
  7. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    Anytime you get new information and have new insights, you can change your mind and tell the other person just that. We don't have to "stick with" something we said if we have new information and have changed our minds. That is our adult prerogative.

    Many people stop staying out to all hours because of the very real responsibilities they have, like a job and children to take care of. If they have none of that, why would they come home at any given time, especially if they are 18, which is still barely of legal age? They won't.

    I think having a curfew is for you and it is perfectly reasonable, given that this is your home and you and husband have to go to work and want somewhat of a schedule in your household. Your house, your rules. If they don't like your reasonable rules, they can move out.

    We have to stop the flow of money. Until we do, they can't learn anything about real life. And the sooner, the better. Again, a word I tried to use and live by (in the early, early days, before my son went down this awful different road) was reasonable. What is reasonable? And I was the one who decided that, not difficult child. I was still paying for college, cell phone, insurance, while he with his part time job paid for gas, spending money, etc. Same with easy child. It should be a shifting of financial responsibility, not an overnight whammy.

    Hugs to you. Hang in there!
  8. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    Right now her coming home late isn't bothering anyone. Honestly the only issue it causes is her sleeping through the daytime and not going out job searching. Fortunately the lady who hired her to provide daycare called her back and is going to need her to start tomorrow. That makes me very happy! I did ask her where she was going and when she planned to be home when she left last night and that went over without issue. I plan to keep that going and let her know it is the new policy for car use.

    We have been slowly cutting off the money. Her allowance went away as soon as she moved in. Previously that money was to buy toiletries and gas. While she lives with me I buy all that at the grocery and we are sharing my car until her arrives. Now that she has a job we are going to ask her to give us $10 a week for gas. I have a Prius so that is about 1/4 of the tank every week or so.

    I have only given her small amounts of money to go out for a movie with a friend but nothing more than that. Starting now she can pay for those things with her money. We don't pay higher utilities due to her being in the house (military housing doesnt pay utilities). So basically other than food and toiletries she will be out of wallet! YAY!!!!!

    I'm not perfect but I feel like we are moving towards a healthier relationship with boundaries that we can live with. Thats my goal.