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Update: Detachment as Spiritual Practice, and an Update
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 613474" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Cedar, your post is so poignant and real, thank you for being you, I do so appreciate you.</p><p></p><p>The first thing that popped into my mind was that statement I've read often by Buddha, "the cause of all suffering is our attachments." Even our attachments, perhaps especially our attachments to our kids and how their lives should be. Sigh. So, yes, I do agree that this path we are on here is a spiritual practice. Somehow, without my memory of it, I signed on the dotted line for the PHD program of detachment, the Navy Seal program, the one which either takes you to acceptance ..........or to hell.........maybe that's what we all share here, particularly on the PE forum where we've run through our best parenting years and come to the end game empty handed.</p><p></p><p>Cedar, I do recall in the not so distant past, where I came face to face with the reality of who my daughter is............as the steps in detachment go, this may be right at the top as the hardest........it just insults our parental perceptions with such a magnitude that, at least for me, it left me with even more of a broken heart. This was a reality I did NOT want to face. But..............face it we must. Because it is the turning point, it is the nadir point, from here I believe, we begin the ascent out of the snake pit. And, very importantly, we stop allowing another to abuse us, use us, manipulate us or in any way treat us in a fashion which is not kind and respectful. For, now we know the truth and once known, we can't continue lying to ourselves and making nice..............</p><p></p><p>I think you've paid enough Cedar, enough time, enough energy, enough life force and certainly, enough money. Our kids are masters at knowing how to manipulate funds out of us, don't do it. Don't let your son abuse you with his insults when he doesn't get his way...........with each payment I think you wound yourself..................<em>paying your abuser..........</em></p><p><em></em></p><p>Your daughter's adventures are unfortunate and I hope she doesn't drag the children around with her. My heart hurts for you Cedar, these are terrible circumstances and yet, I really believe that you can detach to the point where what your kids do doesn't harm you and you don't feel compelled to pay for their choices.</p><p></p><p>I believe that you Cedar, MWM, Echolette, myself and probably ALL of the parents on the PE forum have done ENOUGH..........in fact, I would venture to day that we have all done WAY TOO MUCH. We turn over every rock with the hopes that this one, this event, this check I write, this cash I give, this bill I pay, this whatever that I do, will stop the runaway train that has become my child's life. But it doesn't stop, it continues. It continues because we are not the ones who should be doing anything, they are ADULTS, their life is up to them. Not us. </p><p></p><p>This is where "our stuff" comes in to play, our guilt, our fear, our not enoughness, our perfectionism, our control, our attachments, all of it. I do really believe that as we approach our own issues that the truth of who our kids are surfaces and we understand that we do not deserve this treatment, this abuse, this manipulation and we stop it. I think then our kids have a chance to find their own way, even if it is kicking and screaming and hating us big time.....................and if they don't and some disaster befalls them, it is because of their choices, not ours. </p><p></p><p>Declare to yourself and to your husband that you have done enough, you have done everything you can and now you are resigning from the parental post. </p><p></p><p>I feel protective of you and want to say, how dare he treat you that way? How dare your daughter allow her daughter to witness the hell she lives in and plot to steal her sons away from their dad? Geez. </p><p></p><p>I agree with Echolette to allow the sadness to come out, however it does. </p><p></p><p>It is interesting that all of us here meditate.............it's a good thing. </p><p></p><p>For most of my life I've been on a spiritual path and yet this last 2 years of being in the trenches with my daughter and having to find my way out..........having to learn how to love myself and accept what is .............and to let my illusions of control over not only my daughter, but almost every facet of my life go.............has placed me as close to peace as I've ever been................so yes, I do agree that this is a spiritual practice..........</p><p></p><p>Hold true to yourself Cedar, let the tears flow, that is the release..............and let us know how you are doing tomorrow. I am sending you truckloads of empathy, understanding and love..............many BIG hugs to you my friend...........</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 613474, member: 13542"] Cedar, your post is so poignant and real, thank you for being you, I do so appreciate you. The first thing that popped into my mind was that statement I've read often by Buddha, "the cause of all suffering is our attachments." Even our attachments, perhaps especially our attachments to our kids and how their lives should be. Sigh. So, yes, I do agree that this path we are on here is a spiritual practice. Somehow, without my memory of it, I signed on the dotted line for the PHD program of detachment, the Navy Seal program, the one which either takes you to acceptance ..........or to hell.........maybe that's what we all share here, particularly on the PE forum where we've run through our best parenting years and come to the end game empty handed. Cedar, I do recall in the not so distant past, where I came face to face with the reality of who my daughter is............as the steps in detachment go, this may be right at the top as the hardest........it just insults our parental perceptions with such a magnitude that, at least for me, it left me with even more of a broken heart. This was a reality I did NOT want to face. But..............face it we must. Because it is the turning point, it is the nadir point, from here I believe, we begin the ascent out of the snake pit. And, very importantly, we stop allowing another to abuse us, use us, manipulate us or in any way treat us in a fashion which is not kind and respectful. For, now we know the truth and once known, we can't continue lying to ourselves and making nice.............. I think you've paid enough Cedar, enough time, enough energy, enough life force and certainly, enough money. Our kids are masters at knowing how to manipulate funds out of us, don't do it. Don't let your son abuse you with his insults when he doesn't get his way...........with each payment I think you wound yourself..................[I]paying your abuser.......... [/I] Your daughter's adventures are unfortunate and I hope she doesn't drag the children around with her. My heart hurts for you Cedar, these are terrible circumstances and yet, I really believe that you can detach to the point where what your kids do doesn't harm you and you don't feel compelled to pay for their choices. I believe that you Cedar, MWM, Echolette, myself and probably ALL of the parents on the PE forum have done ENOUGH..........in fact, I would venture to day that we have all done WAY TOO MUCH. We turn over every rock with the hopes that this one, this event, this check I write, this cash I give, this bill I pay, this whatever that I do, will stop the runaway train that has become my child's life. But it doesn't stop, it continues. It continues because we are not the ones who should be doing anything, they are ADULTS, their life is up to them. Not us. This is where "our stuff" comes in to play, our guilt, our fear, our not enoughness, our perfectionism, our control, our attachments, all of it. I do really believe that as we approach our own issues that the truth of who our kids are surfaces and we understand that we do not deserve this treatment, this abuse, this manipulation and we stop it. I think then our kids have a chance to find their own way, even if it is kicking and screaming and hating us big time.....................and if they don't and some disaster befalls them, it is because of their choices, not ours. Declare to yourself and to your husband that you have done enough, you have done everything you can and now you are resigning from the parental post. I feel protective of you and want to say, how dare he treat you that way? How dare your daughter allow her daughter to witness the hell she lives in and plot to steal her sons away from their dad? Geez. I agree with Echolette to allow the sadness to come out, however it does. It is interesting that all of us here meditate.............it's a good thing. For most of my life I've been on a spiritual path and yet this last 2 years of being in the trenches with my daughter and having to find my way out..........having to learn how to love myself and accept what is .............and to let my illusions of control over not only my daughter, but almost every facet of my life go.............has placed me as close to peace as I've ever been................so yes, I do agree that this is a spiritual practice.......... Hold true to yourself Cedar, let the tears flow, that is the release..............and let us know how you are doing tomorrow. I am sending you truckloads of empathy, understanding and love..............many BIG hugs to you my friend........... [/QUOTE]
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