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Update: Detachment as Spiritual Practice, and an Update
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<blockquote data-quote="scent of cedar" data-source="post: 614084" data-attributes="member: 1721"><p>:O)</p><p></p><p>Feeling so special and cherished to see posts wondering how we are and wishing us well, Recovering. I appreciate! </p><p></p><p>We are trying to get past our own conditioning, our own old patterns. Truth is that difficult child daughter should be somewhere to receive the help she needs before arriving in the home ex-husband has created for himself and the children difficult child essentially abandoned. It is...it feels disloyal to examine the truth behind the automatic care-taking that happens when someone we love has been through what difficult child daughter has been through. I was reminded of these truths we have been shoving under the rug this morning, in a conversation with my twenty year old granddaughter.</p><p></p><p>We have been many good places together, to have that kind of trust and honesty between us. The truths behind why difficult child is where she is are hard to tell, hard to hear, hard to talk about...but she did that, confronted me with that, for the sakes of her little brothers.</p><p></p><p>A good and brave and honest (and, as she continually reminds me) grown up adult who can stand to know what is really happening with her mother.</p><p></p><p>This grandchild even suggested that there are families who turn away from the troubled person <u>and that they should.</u></p><p> </p><p>So, that is where we are with it, now. Last night, I needed to send pics to the police investigating the case. They need to know what difficult child daughter looked like before the beating....</p><p></p><p>Ew.</p><p></p><p>difficult child son is so flummoxed by my response to his latest salvos that he actually FB his sister. She saw his FB message before the beating, but never did answer it. Between the two of them, so difficult child daughter told me this morning, they have commiserated with one another in the past over the fact that, in the South, children and their families can live with their parents as long as they need to. They wonder why husband and I are not that way. </p><p></p><p>In the past, I would have said something placing the blame for that on husband ~ that he wants to enjoy retirement, travel, etc. In the past, I would have felt very ashamed that, though both kids have lived with us more than once, it was never with the idea that they would live with us permanently, or for as long as they needed to. </p><p></p><p>I don't feel that way, anymore. </p><p></p><p>I found it easy to say to difficult child daughter, instead of blaming husband, that the best thing for any adult is independence. I told her that, though we sent difficult child son money, I had told him that he needed to pick up, to support his family, to be a man. I also said that allowing family to live with us without a move out date weakens the kids, because they don't do what it takes to make it. I was tempted to add that addicts and alcoholics should never be allowed to live in anyone else's home, but I didn't. I was unprepared for the conversation, especially from difficult child daughter, lying in a hospital bed. </p><p></p><p>Your analogy of the FOG is a very good one, Recovering. </p><p></p><p>This is an issue I will need to think through.</p><p></p><p>The truth is that alcohol and drug use, not anything husband and I have done or not done for them, are the biggest pieces of this picture. husband and I have suffered more than either of the kids for what they have done. </p><p></p><p>This is a new thought.</p><p></p><p>I really am getting to a better place with my thinking.</p><p></p><p>Still very shaky, though.</p><p></p><p>Still, difficult child daughter feels she and her brother have been singled out. Whenever they have lived with us, it has always been understood that it is a temporary situation. Neither child likes that. Each feels entitled to what they see other families doing for their children ~ which is welcoming them home, with their families, for as long as they need to be there. We have heard this before, from both kids. </p><p></p><p>Especially given the conversation with his sister, I am thinking that is what difficult child son actually wants, now. </p><p></p><p>I am feeling defensive on this issue. What I "should" do, who I wish I were. Part of me? Spits back something about who I wish <u>they</u> were.</p><p></p><p>Bad Cedar.</p><p></p><p>***************</p><p></p><p>My sister has not responded further to FB. She did not answer the call I made to her, yesterday. The call was made as a way to act with courage, as a way to stand up. I am not sure whether I am afraid of her, afraid of what she will say, or afraid that there is something the matter with me, that I interpreted her actions as I did. Nonetheless, I felt strongly about it at the time, I still believe my perceptions were correct, and I am outrageously glad I raised the issue. </p><p></p><p>This is the second time I have raised an issue with my sister. About nine months ago, I raised an issue regarding her treatment of my brother. There was no resolution, other than the behavior I describe below. (This part was added on reread prior to posting.)</p><p></p><p>So, that whole thing seems a little unreal. What I expect is that my sister will bull her way through as though nothing has happened. This is what she has done regarding unpleasant things in the past. What I mean by that is that I think she will attribute the action she began to me, forgive me vocally and in writing for needlessly creating a situation out of nothing at all, and continue to "love" me because, as she said in her FB response after scolding me for making things up to disguise the fact that I didn't want her to visit...sisters ROCK. </p><p></p><p>Sister is very religious...that kind of religious which masquerades as having the ear of the Lord? So she is seldom wrong about anything for long. Faith can be so strengthening, as I am learning through the Joel Osteen materials. This sister's faith is something else altogether. In fact, you know where, according to my sister, I am going because I found the Osteen materials to be of some value.</p><p></p><p>Hopefully, not until that very place freezes over.</p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p>I get the impression that not many people in her life confront her about anything, at all. It's like expecting a conversation and being run over by a steam roller, instead. Tears, rage, neediness ~ any weapon that will work, employed one after the other. I found myself telling husband last night that, now that my sister is in what appears to be a stable marriage, has enough money, and appears to be happy in her life, I don't need to be invariably kind and supportive.</p><p></p><p>I feel a little guilty, feel like I have done something really bad, in a way. I understand from Recovering's comments about her own family that this is a normal response to challenging the way it has always been.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p><p></p><p>Thank you so much for hanging in there through this with me. It is so helpful to post, and to receive response.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="scent of cedar, post: 614084, member: 1721"] :O) Feeling so special and cherished to see posts wondering how we are and wishing us well, Recovering. I appreciate! We are trying to get past our own conditioning, our own old patterns. Truth is that difficult child daughter should be somewhere to receive the help she needs before arriving in the home ex-husband has created for himself and the children difficult child essentially abandoned. It is...it feels disloyal to examine the truth behind the automatic care-taking that happens when someone we love has been through what difficult child daughter has been through. I was reminded of these truths we have been shoving under the rug this morning, in a conversation with my twenty year old granddaughter. We have been many good places together, to have that kind of trust and honesty between us. The truths behind why difficult child is where she is are hard to tell, hard to hear, hard to talk about...but she did that, confronted me with that, for the sakes of her little brothers. A good and brave and honest (and, as she continually reminds me) grown up adult who can stand to know what is really happening with her mother. This grandchild even suggested that there are families who turn away from the troubled person [U]and that they should.[/U] So, that is where we are with it, now. Last night, I needed to send pics to the police investigating the case. They need to know what difficult child daughter looked like before the beating.... Ew. difficult child son is so flummoxed by my response to his latest salvos that he actually FB his sister. She saw his FB message before the beating, but never did answer it. Between the two of them, so difficult child daughter told me this morning, they have commiserated with one another in the past over the fact that, in the South, children and their families can live with their parents as long as they need to. They wonder why husband and I are not that way. In the past, I would have said something placing the blame for that on husband ~ that he wants to enjoy retirement, travel, etc. In the past, I would have felt very ashamed that, though both kids have lived with us more than once, it was never with the idea that they would live with us permanently, or for as long as they needed to. I don't feel that way, anymore. I found it easy to say to difficult child daughter, instead of blaming husband, that the best thing for any adult is independence. I told her that, though we sent difficult child son money, I had told him that he needed to pick up, to support his family, to be a man. I also said that allowing family to live with us without a move out date weakens the kids, because they don't do what it takes to make it. I was tempted to add that addicts and alcoholics should never be allowed to live in anyone else's home, but I didn't. I was unprepared for the conversation, especially from difficult child daughter, lying in a hospital bed. Your analogy of the FOG is a very good one, Recovering. This is an issue I will need to think through. The truth is that alcohol and drug use, not anything husband and I have done or not done for them, are the biggest pieces of this picture. husband and I have suffered more than either of the kids for what they have done. This is a new thought. I really am getting to a better place with my thinking. Still very shaky, though. Still, difficult child daughter feels she and her brother have been singled out. Whenever they have lived with us, it has always been understood that it is a temporary situation. Neither child likes that. Each feels entitled to what they see other families doing for their children ~ which is welcoming them home, with their families, for as long as they need to be there. We have heard this before, from both kids. Especially given the conversation with his sister, I am thinking that is what difficult child son actually wants, now. I am feeling defensive on this issue. What I "should" do, who I wish I were. Part of me? Spits back something about who I wish [U]they[/U] were. Bad Cedar. *************** My sister has not responded further to FB. She did not answer the call I made to her, yesterday. The call was made as a way to act with courage, as a way to stand up. I am not sure whether I am afraid of her, afraid of what she will say, or afraid that there is something the matter with me, that I interpreted her actions as I did. Nonetheless, I felt strongly about it at the time, I still believe my perceptions were correct, and I am outrageously glad I raised the issue. This is the second time I have raised an issue with my sister. About nine months ago, I raised an issue regarding her treatment of my brother. There was no resolution, other than the behavior I describe below. (This part was added on reread prior to posting.) So, that whole thing seems a little unreal. What I expect is that my sister will bull her way through as though nothing has happened. This is what she has done regarding unpleasant things in the past. What I mean by that is that I think she will attribute the action she began to me, forgive me vocally and in writing for needlessly creating a situation out of nothing at all, and continue to "love" me because, as she said in her FB response after scolding me for making things up to disguise the fact that I didn't want her to visit...sisters ROCK. Sister is very religious...that kind of religious which masquerades as having the ear of the Lord? So she is seldom wrong about anything for long. Faith can be so strengthening, as I am learning through the Joel Osteen materials. This sister's faith is something else altogether. In fact, you know where, according to my sister, I am going because I found the Osteen materials to be of some value. Hopefully, not until that very place freezes over. :O) I get the impression that not many people in her life confront her about anything, at all. It's like expecting a conversation and being run over by a steam roller, instead. Tears, rage, neediness ~ any weapon that will work, employed one after the other. I found myself telling husband last night that, now that my sister is in what appears to be a stable marriage, has enough money, and appears to be happy in her life, I don't need to be invariably kind and supportive. I feel a little guilty, feel like I have done something really bad, in a way. I understand from Recovering's comments about her own family that this is a normal response to challenging the way it has always been. Cedar Thank you so much for hanging in there through this with me. It is so helpful to post, and to receive response. [/QUOTE]
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