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Update: Detachment as Spiritual Practice, and an Update
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 614094" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Cedar, you are "special and cherished" here and I imagine by everyone who knows you, even your ungrateful kids........</p><p></p><p>I'm sorry you are going through all of this Cedar, but at the same time, I think this is all coming up because you have changed, and when we change, those around us have to change too and since they didn't ask for the change, they get very angry and try to get us to go back to who we used to be. That is very typical behavior for any of us who have the courage to change old patterns with those we love. It isn't easy, but it is necessary.</p><p></p><p>My granddaughter told me repeatedly to detach and let go of her mother. She could see how much I suffered and how much her mother manipulated me way before I did. She consistently told me to "let go Grammy." She told her best friend's mother to borrow the book, Codependent no more, by Melodie Beattie from me when the mother was having trouble with her oldest daughter who treated her badly and refused to grow up. My granddaughter said proudly, "my grandmother went through so much with my mother, but in the end, she did the right thing, she let her go." Wow. From the mouths of babes. Listen to your granddaughter. And if you haven't already, read Trinity's post about detachment on the other side of the fence. Quite a few former difficult child's weighed in on how parents need to let go of their adult kids.</p><p></p><p>I know you've had counseling in the past Cedar, but that may be something to consider again now since because of all the changes you made, your kids and your sister are acting out. You're doing a great job, I am not implying you 'need' counseling, just that it may make this easier for you to have someone in your corner who can guide you and husband through and help you when you get stuck. It's hard. I really couldn't have done it without a lot of support when I slipped back in to the FOG.</p><p></p><p><span style="color: #0000cd"><em>"The truth is that alcohol and drug use, not anything husband and I have done or not done for them, are the biggest pieces of this picture. husband</em></span><span style="color: #0000cd"><em> and I have suffered more than either of the kids for what they have done."</em></span></p><p><span style="color: #0000cd"><em></em></span></p><p>Cedar, that quote is <u>the truth,</u> that is where to put your focus, it is NOT your fault and you CAN'T control it or change it. All the trying in the world can't change it, only your kids can do that. And, just so you know, I don't know ONE person in my entire life whose adult kids still live with them. Perhaps if confronted with that BS again, you might respond by saying, "your father and I love you enough to let you go and find your own lives now. We are not going to enable you or rescue you or save you, it's your life and you get to decide how you want to live it." </p><p></p><p>In terms of those "shoulds" change the word to "could" and then you have a choice. <em>I could do it, but I'm NOT</em>. As a wise person once said to me, <em>"thou shalt not should on thyself."</em></p><p><em></em></p><p><em></em>No "bad Cedar", <strong>honest Cedar,</strong> it must be put back onto them, they need to have natural consequences so that they learn and grow. Or not. But it isn't up to you. At some point it may indeed by prudent and right for you to share with them how your hopes for who they could have been have been dashed by their never ending childhoods and remarkable entitlement.</p><p></p><p>I'm sorry for this obvious judgement Cedar, but your sister sounds like a jerk. And a bully. And a victim. In my humble opinion, those who use religion to be right and judge others are the ones making the long descent into H*LL.</p><p></p><p>You shouldn't be kind to someone who treats you badly Cedar, even if it's your sister. Are you the oldest of your siblings? Where do you stand in the birth order? I am the oldest. I used to be what therapists call the "adaptive child, the compliant child" the one who gave in, helped others and didn't make any waves. Boy have I changed. I am the opposite now. The adaptive child is a defense mechanism in a dysfunctional family, be invisible, don't make waves, make nice, be willing, give in...............that is a <u>soul killer</u> Cedar, if you are like that and you are breaking out of that now, I applaud you and celebrate you. I crawled out of that space too, (with lots of help) and when I look back I feel so sad that I couldn't tell the truth, that it was terrorized out of me. But, that is no longer the case, I am true to myself and I honor myself. 25 years ago I had a similar experience with my brother, the one I was closest too. But as I got healthier I started to see how he used me and manipulated me and was in fact, a jerk. I tried to change it, but he was having none of it. I said I wanted a new relationship based in truth and mutual caring. He did not want that, he wanted me to stay the same, the adaptive giver. Uh, no. I've made that same choice now, probably 20 times, with family and friends. Once you start cleaning house and seeing the truth, it's pretty amazing how everything starts to change. It is not easy, but Cedar, it is the ONLY game in town. Being true to yourself and telling your truth and standing up for yourself and not allowing others to harm you is the most liberating and fantastic journey of a lifetime. I am your number one fan in this. We are soul sisters on this path.</p><p></p><p>I know you feel a little guilty, it's new behavior, you're used to being "nice" and doing what you used to believe was the right and best thing to do, but that wasn't being true to you and that is the most important thing. Your son, your daughter and your sister are going to really act up now, saying and doing whatever they can to make you go back to <em>nice Cedar</em>. <u><em><strong>Don't do it.</strong></em></u> Stay the course. Stay honest. Don't respond to stupid comments designed to hurt you. Stand tall. </p><p></p><p>Let that red hair down, have a Manhattan with husband, dance a little, and free yourself from all of the roles you believe define you, make up new ones..............ones that fit who you really are. We have time left to live Cedar, we're not dead yet, we have more adventures to have, more traveling to do, more laughing and loving and dancing and joy...............break the old roles and move on out. </p><p></p><p>When my step daughter was younger she used to love the Spice Girls. I listened to a lot of their songs and watched their videos with her. I liked them. I told her that I was an OLD SPICE GIRL now. That's us Cedar, OLD SPICE GIRLS!!</p><p></p><p><span style="color: #000000"></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"></span></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 614094, member: 13542"] Cedar, you are "special and cherished" here and I imagine by everyone who knows you, even your ungrateful kids........ I'm sorry you are going through all of this Cedar, but at the same time, I think this is all coming up because you have changed, and when we change, those around us have to change too and since they didn't ask for the change, they get very angry and try to get us to go back to who we used to be. That is very typical behavior for any of us who have the courage to change old patterns with those we love. It isn't easy, but it is necessary. My granddaughter told me repeatedly to detach and let go of her mother. She could see how much I suffered and how much her mother manipulated me way before I did. She consistently told me to "let go Grammy." She told her best friend's mother to borrow the book, Codependent no more, by Melodie Beattie from me when the mother was having trouble with her oldest daughter who treated her badly and refused to grow up. My granddaughter said proudly, "my grandmother went through so much with my mother, but in the end, she did the right thing, she let her go." Wow. From the mouths of babes. Listen to your granddaughter. And if you haven't already, read Trinity's post about detachment on the other side of the fence. Quite a few former difficult child's weighed in on how parents need to let go of their adult kids. I know you've had counseling in the past Cedar, but that may be something to consider again now since because of all the changes you made, your kids and your sister are acting out. You're doing a great job, I am not implying you 'need' counseling, just that it may make this easier for you to have someone in your corner who can guide you and husband through and help you when you get stuck. It's hard. I really couldn't have done it without a lot of support when I slipped back in to the FOG. [COLOR=#0000cd][I]"The truth is that alcohol and drug use, not anything husband and I have done or not done for them, are the biggest pieces of this picture. husband[/I][/COLOR][COLOR=#0000cd][I] and I have suffered more than either of the kids for what they have done." [/I][/COLOR] Cedar, [COLOR=#0000cd][/COLOR]that quote is [U]the truth,[/U] that is where to put your focus, it is NOT your fault and you CAN'T control it or change it. All the trying in the world can't change it, only your kids can do that. And, just so you know, I don't know ONE person in my entire life whose adult kids still live with them. Perhaps if confronted with that BS again, you might respond by saying, "your father and I love you enough to let you go and find your own lives now. We are not going to enable you or rescue you or save you, it's your life and you get to decide how you want to live it." In terms of those "shoulds" change the word to "could" and then you have a choice. [I]I could do it, but I'm NOT[/I]. As a wise person once said to me, [I]"thou shalt not should on thyself." [/I]No "bad Cedar", [B]honest Cedar,[/B] it must be put back onto them, they need to have natural consequences so that they learn and grow. Or not. But it isn't up to you. At some point it may indeed by prudent and right for you to share with them how your hopes for who they could have been have been dashed by their never ending childhoods and remarkable entitlement. I'm sorry for this obvious judgement Cedar, but your sister sounds like a jerk. And a bully. And a victim. In my humble opinion, those who use religion to be right and judge others are the ones making the long descent into H*LL. You shouldn't be kind to someone who treats you badly Cedar, even if it's your sister. Are you the oldest of your siblings? Where do you stand in the birth order? I am the oldest. I used to be what therapists call the "adaptive child, the compliant child" the one who gave in, helped others and didn't make any waves. Boy have I changed. I am the opposite now. The adaptive child is a defense mechanism in a dysfunctional family, be invisible, don't make waves, make nice, be willing, give in...............that is a [U]soul killer[/U] Cedar, if you are like that and you are breaking out of that now, I applaud you and celebrate you. I crawled out of that space too, (with lots of help) and when I look back I feel so sad that I couldn't tell the truth, that it was terrorized out of me. But, that is no longer the case, I am true to myself and I honor myself. 25 years ago I had a similar experience with my brother, the one I was closest too. But as I got healthier I started to see how he used me and manipulated me and was in fact, a jerk. I tried to change it, but he was having none of it. I said I wanted a new relationship based in truth and mutual caring. He did not want that, he wanted me to stay the same, the adaptive giver. Uh, no. I've made that same choice now, probably 20 times, with family and friends. Once you start cleaning house and seeing the truth, it's pretty amazing how everything starts to change. It is not easy, but Cedar, it is the ONLY game in town. Being true to yourself and telling your truth and standing up for yourself and not allowing others to harm you is the most liberating and fantastic journey of a lifetime. I am your number one fan in this. We are soul sisters on this path. I know you feel a little guilty, it's new behavior, you're used to being "nice" and doing what you used to believe was the right and best thing to do, but that wasn't being true to you and that is the most important thing. Your son, your daughter and your sister are going to really act up now, saying and doing whatever they can to make you go back to [I]nice Cedar[/I]. [U][I][B]Don't do it.[/B][/I][/U] Stay the course. Stay honest. Don't respond to stupid comments designed to hurt you. Stand tall. Let that red hair down, have a Manhattan with husband, dance a little, and free yourself from all of the roles you believe define you, make up new ones..............ones that fit who you really are. We have time left to live Cedar, we're not dead yet, we have more adventures to have, more traveling to do, more laughing and loving and dancing and joy...............break the old roles and move on out. When my step daughter was younger she used to love the Spice Girls. I listened to a lot of their songs and watched their videos with her. I liked them. I told her that I was an OLD SPICE GIRL now. That's us Cedar, OLD SPICE GIRLS!! [COLOR=#000000] [/COLOR] [/QUOTE]
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