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Update: Detachment as Spiritual Practice, and an Update
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<blockquote data-quote="scent of cedar" data-source="post: 614185" data-attributes="member: 1721"><p>Ha! Recovering, you always help me see things from a sunnier place. I thought of you, and of all the things we talked about here, as I was FB with my sister regarding my awfulness toward her, yesterday.</p><p></p><p>I am the eldest, Recovering. Both my parents worked. At twelve, I willingly took on the role of cook, cleaner, laundress, and person responsible for what went on while my parents were gone. There are three younger sibs. To this day, I am basically proud of how I did what I did. You could have blown me over with a feather when they all somehow managed to survive without me when I left home. (TRUE!) Though we are all in or nearing our sixties now, the siblings are like a litter of puppies, each of us struggling, still, to get enough milk out of the mother to survive. So damaged herself, my mother plays us one against the other, always with the intent of solidifying her own position. </p><p></p><p>Especially since my father's death, my mother's influence is increasingly divisive and destructive. </p><p></p><p>She acts out with shockingly hurtful accuracy and regularity. </p><p></p><p>So...I am a little torn, this morning, between celebrating having called my sister on her manipulative behaviors and regretting that I did that. But there are times, Recovering, when what I want is not to be identified with any of them, ever again. We are each so obviously, horribly, dysfunctional in our own ways that being together is like whirling through a cacophony of meaningless sound and color, my mother presiding.</p><p></p><p>Bad Cedar, to feel so hostile, to be so judgmental. After all...everyone is smiling. What could be wrong?</p><p></p><p></p><p>****************</p><p></p><p>Recovering? My hair is mostly gray, these days. :O) But you know what? I am going to use that imagery as I go through this. That is way helpful, Recovering. I was beginning to see myself as sort of gray and shriveled. Here is an interesting thought: Remember how we talked about events conspiring to create change? So, this is like, the Perfect Storm. I do not believe I would have had the presence of mind, or the sense of self, to do what I am doing now without this site, and without your support, especially. I tell you thank you so often. I sincerely appreciate your strength, and the time you have taken to read and respond to me, Recovering.</p><p></p><p>Your granddaughter sounds so bright and strong! I am happy you took her, and raised her, and got to experience what it is supposed to be to raise a child. I love mine so much, too. The girls lived with us off and on as they were growing up. Twice, I home schooled well enough that they didn't fall behind? And I will never forget scrambling to get my algebra skills in order! Neither will they, I don't think.</p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p>Good memories.</p><p></p><p>****** </p><p></p><p>I am sorry you had to go through something similar with your siblings. Even now though, as I begin changing what was, I prefer what I have now, chaotic as it feels, to what passes for family in my family of origin. It wasn't that I didn't see the manipulations or hatefulness before. I did. The difference is that I did not feel I had the power to confront it, or that it would be right to do so. I disbelieved what I thought I knew. </p><p></p><p>As you noted, Recovering (and I felt a zap of strength shoot up my spine the second I read it) I do feel guilty. I feel apprehensive about the consequences, both to myself (targeted isolation) and to my sister if she has no one to witness for her. Neither of my brothers is at a place where he can see the damage our mother continues to inflict. It is interesting to note though, that the wives do see it. The wives or husbands of my mother's grandchildren see it even more clearly.</p><p></p><p>So, one way or another, the brothers too, are being made uncomfortable trying to explain the status quo.</p><p></p><p>*****</p><p></p><p>There is a part of me that needs nurturing as I go through this, a part that feels wrong and cut off and confused. (Which could be translated: As I don't get my fix of having fixed something to hold off the worse things, I am experiencing anxiety. And I am the one who created this. WHAT WAS I THINKING?!?) I am going to find imagery of successful families, of strong, successful women, of warriors and heroes and quests, to soothe that broken-hearted little part of me.</p><p></p><p>There was a time my parents and I did not speak for five years.</p><p></p><p></p><p>*******</p><p></p><p>I am considering therapy, Recovering. Someone husband and I could see together and then, that I could continue to see. We are both running a little ragged, these days. </p><p></p><p>***************</p><p></p><p>So, for anyone following this incredible discussion between Recovering and I, this is my rallying cry. It is how I took the courage to begin the quest, and (in addition to posting here and Recovering's responses) </p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p>it holds me steady as I go through it: I want to be present. I want to be clear eyed, and clear headed, enough, to respond to my children from a place of strength. Turns out, as I go through this, that I am humongously stronger, saner, and more centered than I thought. If you are considering making these kinds of changes, it is only scary or sad for a little time.</p><p></p><p>And then, you can breathe. </p><p> </p><p>It was never that I didn't know things were forever out of whack in my family of origin, it was that I didn't know another way to fix it than to fix what it looked like. That is what I carried into my adult life. Now, just lately, I am coming to understand that it cannot be fixed. It is what it is. I cannot surmount or stitch it up into something it isn't. The false notes get louder and more discordant, the healthier I become. </p><p></p><p>Bad Cedar, to say so aloud.</p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p>I may change my Board name to Bad Cedar.</p><p></p><p>I like her.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="scent of cedar, post: 614185, member: 1721"] Ha! Recovering, you always help me see things from a sunnier place. I thought of you, and of all the things we talked about here, as I was FB with my sister regarding my awfulness toward her, yesterday. I am the eldest, Recovering. Both my parents worked. At twelve, I willingly took on the role of cook, cleaner, laundress, and person responsible for what went on while my parents were gone. There are three younger sibs. To this day, I am basically proud of how I did what I did. You could have blown me over with a feather when they all somehow managed to survive without me when I left home. (TRUE!) Though we are all in or nearing our sixties now, the siblings are like a litter of puppies, each of us struggling, still, to get enough milk out of the mother to survive. So damaged herself, my mother plays us one against the other, always with the intent of solidifying her own position. Especially since my father's death, my mother's influence is increasingly divisive and destructive. She acts out with shockingly hurtful accuracy and regularity. So...I am a little torn, this morning, between celebrating having called my sister on her manipulative behaviors and regretting that I did that. But there are times, Recovering, when what I want is not to be identified with any of them, ever again. We are each so obviously, horribly, dysfunctional in our own ways that being together is like whirling through a cacophony of meaningless sound and color, my mother presiding. Bad Cedar, to feel so hostile, to be so judgmental. After all...everyone is smiling. What could be wrong? **************** Recovering? My hair is mostly gray, these days. :O) But you know what? I am going to use that imagery as I go through this. That is way helpful, Recovering. I was beginning to see myself as sort of gray and shriveled. Here is an interesting thought: Remember how we talked about events conspiring to create change? So, this is like, the Perfect Storm. I do not believe I would have had the presence of mind, or the sense of self, to do what I am doing now without this site, and without your support, especially. I tell you thank you so often. I sincerely appreciate your strength, and the time you have taken to read and respond to me, Recovering. Your granddaughter sounds so bright and strong! I am happy you took her, and raised her, and got to experience what it is supposed to be to raise a child. I love mine so much, too. The girls lived with us off and on as they were growing up. Twice, I home schooled well enough that they didn't fall behind? And I will never forget scrambling to get my algebra skills in order! Neither will they, I don't think. :O) Good memories. ****** I am sorry you had to go through something similar with your siblings. Even now though, as I begin changing what was, I prefer what I have now, chaotic as it feels, to what passes for family in my family of origin. It wasn't that I didn't see the manipulations or hatefulness before. I did. The difference is that I did not feel I had the power to confront it, or that it would be right to do so. I disbelieved what I thought I knew. As you noted, Recovering (and I felt a zap of strength shoot up my spine the second I read it) I do feel guilty. I feel apprehensive about the consequences, both to myself (targeted isolation) and to my sister if she has no one to witness for her. Neither of my brothers is at a place where he can see the damage our mother continues to inflict. It is interesting to note though, that the wives do see it. The wives or husbands of my mother's grandchildren see it even more clearly. So, one way or another, the brothers too, are being made uncomfortable trying to explain the status quo. ***** There is a part of me that needs nurturing as I go through this, a part that feels wrong and cut off and confused. (Which could be translated: As I don't get my fix of having fixed something to hold off the worse things, I am experiencing anxiety. And I am the one who created this. WHAT WAS I THINKING?!?) I am going to find imagery of successful families, of strong, successful women, of warriors and heroes and quests, to soothe that broken-hearted little part of me. There was a time my parents and I did not speak for five years. ******* I am considering therapy, Recovering. Someone husband and I could see together and then, that I could continue to see. We are both running a little ragged, these days. *************** So, for anyone following this incredible discussion between Recovering and I, this is my rallying cry. It is how I took the courage to begin the quest, and (in addition to posting here and Recovering's responses) :O) it holds me steady as I go through it: I want to be present. I want to be clear eyed, and clear headed, enough, to respond to my children from a place of strength. Turns out, as I go through this, that I am humongously stronger, saner, and more centered than I thought. If you are considering making these kinds of changes, it is only scary or sad for a little time. And then, you can breathe. It was never that I didn't know things were forever out of whack in my family of origin, it was that I didn't know another way to fix it than to fix what it looked like. That is what I carried into my adult life. Now, just lately, I am coming to understand that it cannot be fixed. It is what it is. I cannot surmount or stitch it up into something it isn't. The false notes get louder and more discordant, the healthier I become. Bad Cedar, to say so aloud. :O) I may change my Board name to Bad Cedar. I like her. [/QUOTE]
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