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Update: Detachment as Spiritual Practice, and an Update
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 614193" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>You're a brave woman Cedar, I am continually impressed with how you handle all these really challenging events in your life, your willingness to change and look at all of it differently speaks to the level of courage and resolve you have. Bravo. <em>And, I know it feels weird too.</em></p><p></p><p>Well, considering your past "mothering" of your siblings and your taking care of your kids no matter what, I can see that this is quite the large pattern in your life. As it's been in mine. It's difficult to change the tide that has been that way for half a century or more. But you're doing it. Seems like I did it incrementally over a long period of time and you have chosen to take the whole thing and work it through all at once..............more power to you Cedar. Geez. You are brave.</p><p></p><p>I think with so much dysfunction in a childhood we grasp onto a role, in our case, the caregiver, the enabler, the "mother' who wasn't there for us or for our siblings and we hold on tight............it not only defines us it gives us many pats on the back for being such a good little soldier to help so many. However, that is a deep trap which encases us in a false persona which was devised when we were children and gained strength in a world which can give us a lot of praise and acknowledgment for being a good girl who helps others...............the part that no one sees is that it is at OUR expense, it depletes us, takes all the choice away, robs us of having our own lives to invent and nurture because the focus is external, not internal. </p><p></p><p>I have a younger sister whom I raised from the age of 11. She is the one person in the world who shared the same experience as I did in my family, as a female. 15 years ago, in order to protect herself from the family she threw all of us overboard..........she has some kind of amnesia about what happened to her as a child and rather then risk who were the actual perpetrators she got rid of all of us and never speaks to us. It was one of the most hurtful and sad things in my whole life, to lose my sister that way. I was the one who nurtured her, got her a therapist, got her in to art school, helped her to become who she is, and I was treated the same as my parents, as if I harmed her. It hurt like the dickens for a long time until I learned to accept it without taking it personally. It was what she had to do to survive. I miss her all the time and always hope she will "wake up"and remember, but so far that has not happened. I only have a relationship with one brother now. Everyone else, for one reason or another, has succumbed to their inner demons. It's hard to walk away, but I did. I once read that on the spiritual path you are always weeding your garden. I think that's true. As we grow and heal and learn, we are put in positions to make some hard choices about the energy we want around us.............and although sad, in order to be whole and complete those choices become necessary for our well being. </p><p></p><p>I like your "bad" Cedar self, it's honest. It must feel so good too. The word I always use is "glee" the freedom to be myself is gleeful.</p><p></p><p>Oops, I am leaving for the day to go for a drive with SO, have lunch out and just hack around. I will continue my thoughts later.............in the meantime Cedar, enjoy your day...............capture that spontaneous joy that you have with your husband, Dean Martin, and that playfulness you share. Sending you big hugs............xoxoxoxo</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 614193, member: 13542"] You're a brave woman Cedar, I am continually impressed with how you handle all these really challenging events in your life, your willingness to change and look at all of it differently speaks to the level of courage and resolve you have. Bravo. [I]And, I know it feels weird too.[/I] Well, considering your past "mothering" of your siblings and your taking care of your kids no matter what, I can see that this is quite the large pattern in your life. As it's been in mine. It's difficult to change the tide that has been that way for half a century or more. But you're doing it. Seems like I did it incrementally over a long period of time and you have chosen to take the whole thing and work it through all at once..............more power to you Cedar. Geez. You are brave. I think with so much dysfunction in a childhood we grasp onto a role, in our case, the caregiver, the enabler, the "mother' who wasn't there for us or for our siblings and we hold on tight............it not only defines us it gives us many pats on the back for being such a good little soldier to help so many. However, that is a deep trap which encases us in a false persona which was devised when we were children and gained strength in a world which can give us a lot of praise and acknowledgment for being a good girl who helps others...............the part that no one sees is that it is at OUR expense, it depletes us, takes all the choice away, robs us of having our own lives to invent and nurture because the focus is external, not internal. I have a younger sister whom I raised from the age of 11. She is the one person in the world who shared the same experience as I did in my family, as a female. 15 years ago, in order to protect herself from the family she threw all of us overboard..........she has some kind of amnesia about what happened to her as a child and rather then risk who were the actual perpetrators she got rid of all of us and never speaks to us. It was one of the most hurtful and sad things in my whole life, to lose my sister that way. I was the one who nurtured her, got her a therapist, got her in to art school, helped her to become who she is, and I was treated the same as my parents, as if I harmed her. It hurt like the dickens for a long time until I learned to accept it without taking it personally. It was what she had to do to survive. I miss her all the time and always hope she will "wake up"and remember, but so far that has not happened. I only have a relationship with one brother now. Everyone else, for one reason or another, has succumbed to their inner demons. It's hard to walk away, but I did. I once read that on the spiritual path you are always weeding your garden. I think that's true. As we grow and heal and learn, we are put in positions to make some hard choices about the energy we want around us.............and although sad, in order to be whole and complete those choices become necessary for our well being. I like your "bad" Cedar self, it's honest. It must feel so good too. The word I always use is "glee" the freedom to be myself is gleeful. Oops, I am leaving for the day to go for a drive with SO, have lunch out and just hack around. I will continue my thoughts later.............in the meantime Cedar, enjoy your day...............capture that spontaneous joy that you have with your husband, Dean Martin, and that playfulness you share. Sending you big hugs............xoxoxoxo [/QUOTE]
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