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Parent Emeritus
Update: Detachment as Spiritual Practice, and an Update
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 614269" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Geez, Cedar, I'm sorry. The thought of you as a child suffering hurts my heart. Of any child suffering..................</p><p></p><p>I understand the distinction you make in the differences in our particular childhood wounds...........you're correct in that I was not aware my experience as a child was abuse until I got considerably older, thank you for observing that. It was easier to see with my Dad as he raged and was loud and scary, but the psychological, manipulating, secretive 'stuff' my mother did was like dealing with smoke and mirrors................always the thought, "<em>is that really what's happening here</em>?" As you mentioned earlier, it is important to have a witness to the struggle, in therapy or someone who can validate it. It took a long time for me to uncover the layers of deception & manipulation and to begin healing. First you have to<u><em> know </em></u>it happened before you can deal with it. Yes, it was hard to "find and follow", I appreciate you understanding that.</p><p></p><p>I am sorry you went through that ordeal with that male therapist. Yikes. </p><p></p><p>No, you're right, vengeance was not a thing at all to me...............I internalized all of it ..............and presumed there was something wrong with me. In addition to being the enabler, I was also the accomplisher...........always striving to gain approval as I was in search of my value.</p><p></p><p>I do agree that when we are in doubt about what to do, then waiting is the appropriate response. In my waiting periods, I really relied on my therapist, my parent group, my SO and this forum to keep me as far away from the FOG as I could get. I think part of the healing is being able to negotiate the new territory of "the in-between-time" where we take <u>no </u>action............ learn to sit in the open space of new thoughts.........and allow ourselves the necessary time to make different, healthier, well thought out responses.</p><p></p><p>I don't think we have to extricate all of the hurts.............I think we have to let the feelings the hurts caused us out........fear, shame, grief, anger all of it. The expression of those feelings, in my experience, is the culmination, the healing. I think that's what we fear the most, but it's the way through.</p><p></p><p>I would love to read one of your poems Cedar, whenever you would like to share them. </p><p></p><p>It is an interesting dialogue we have here Cedar...........our kids have brought us to a new understanding of our own backgrounds and the opportunity to change old patterns so that we are <u><strong>all </strong></u>free to grow. The fog has lifted............</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 614269, member: 13542"] Geez, Cedar, I'm sorry. The thought of you as a child suffering hurts my heart. Of any child suffering.................. I understand the distinction you make in the differences in our particular childhood wounds...........you're correct in that I was not aware my experience as a child was abuse until I got considerably older, thank you for observing that. It was easier to see with my Dad as he raged and was loud and scary, but the psychological, manipulating, secretive 'stuff' my mother did was like dealing with smoke and mirrors................always the thought, "[I]is that really what's happening here[/I]?" As you mentioned earlier, it is important to have a witness to the struggle, in therapy or someone who can validate it. It took a long time for me to uncover the layers of deception & manipulation and to begin healing. First you have to[U][I] know [/I][/U]it happened before you can deal with it. Yes, it was hard to "find and follow", I appreciate you understanding that. I am sorry you went through that ordeal with that male therapist. Yikes. No, you're right, vengeance was not a thing at all to me...............I internalized all of it ..............and presumed there was something wrong with me. In addition to being the enabler, I was also the accomplisher...........always striving to gain approval as I was in search of my value. I do agree that when we are in doubt about what to do, then waiting is the appropriate response. In my waiting periods, I really relied on my therapist, my parent group, my SO and this forum to keep me as far away from the FOG as I could get. I think part of the healing is being able to negotiate the new territory of "the in-between-time" where we take [U]no [/U]action............ learn to sit in the open space of new thoughts.........and allow ourselves the necessary time to make different, healthier, well thought out responses. I don't think we have to extricate all of the hurts.............I think we have to let the feelings the hurts caused us out........fear, shame, grief, anger all of it. The expression of those feelings, in my experience, is the culmination, the healing. I think that's what we fear the most, but it's the way through. I would love to read one of your poems Cedar, whenever you would like to share them. It is an interesting dialogue we have here Cedar...........our kids have brought us to a new understanding of our own backgrounds and the opportunity to change old patterns so that we are [U][B]all [/B][/U]free to grow. The fog has lifted............ [/QUOTE]
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