update easy child and her boyfriend and what was on her neck....

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Jena, Nov 29, 2008.

  1. Jena

    Jena New Member

    hi!!! :)

    So, if you guys remember last week I posted how easy child's boyfriend's dad is an alcoholic. She actually told me. So, I had to make some decisions due to the fact her boyfriend's mom and dad invited her to a boating event, yes boating in the winter....... LOL strange in 20 degree weather.

    Anyhow, I had told her no to going to his house and no to going on the outting. She ofcourse flipped out, I ofcourse ran for cover in the bathroom and lit my candles to stay calm lol.

    I'm happy to say she has adjusted just like that, poof. Someone here said to me maybe she told you because she wanted limitations, very insightful because I believe that is why she told me also now.

    She went right back to being ok with me, didn't fight for the outting, didn't and hasn't fought to go to his house, nothing. totally shocking for her. easy child is very head strong and defiant and strong willed. hmmm where oh where does she get that from?? :)

    Anyhow, so she comes home last night i'm sitting talking to her and i see these strange things on her neck. Yup hickies on her neck, ofcourse covered with foundation ewww! So, we talked I said why oh why do you have hickies on your neck? hmm like i had to ask? She said well it's kinda like the drinking thing, I just wanted to try it!! I almost laughed because the answer threw me for a loop. Anyhow we have had tons of talks about sex, protection, etc all that fun stuff. They aren't doing that yet, but hickies?? So, I was upset with her boyfriend to be honest. I am very friendly to him, he has met boyfriend and well as easy child's dad, my ex. He is also very comfortable with me.

    So, I told easy child it's disrespectful of him, first of all, and you shouldn't be coming home with that on your neck. obviously i know you two are seeing eachother, kissing, etc. yet no need for that.

    So, at the xmas tree lighting tonight this boy with whom just turned 16 approached me and said I just wanted to apologize for what I did and I promise you that will never happen again, I love her and I totally respect you and what I did was disrespectful.

    I dont' even know what to make of that? I seem shocked by the maturity he displays on several occassions he's kinda like a "man/boy" LOL, only word I can think of. He's polite, very funny, very outgoing, adores her, is always nice to difficult child. I think it just scares me that I have a daugther old enough to have a thing on her neck. Also old enough to have a boyfriend who can handle approaching a parent and apologizing for it.

  2. Jena

    Jena New Member

    Also to add in why my attitude about this is what it is, easy child at the end of the day does infact have a good head on her shoulders. Her best friend recently began dating a boy with whom got a girl at her school pregnant. He is a failing student, has gotten into trouble repeatedly, and overall just isnt' what her best friend should be dating at all.

    easy child has spent 3 days talking to me about it, being very upset, and confused because she is trying to talk to her friend and convince her that this is not someone that she should be dating adn that she is afraid that what happened to the other girl will happen to her. so, anyhow alot worse things could be going on with easy child right now.
  3. Jena

    Jena New Member

    Alrite the question i should of asked in my first post, lol. I'm dancing around this one tonight. Did I handle it the right way? I dont' see any other way to of handled it. My ex was furious yet I said what are we going to do? we can't keep them apart, they'll just gravitate closer.
  4. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    I never know how to handle stuff like that. My first instinct would to move to a land far far away. Wait until she is say about 35 years old before introducing her back into society. Wouldn't it be wonderful to have those toddler year troubles back again. I absolutely HATE these out of home growing up issues! :tongue:

    I think it is great that the boy did apologize. Do whatever you can to keep him sweating. Those girls tend to ignore us but sometimes their friends will respect us!
  5. Ropefree

    Ropefree Banned

    Our teens do need limitations. They need to know how to interact. A direct firm and warm set of expectations for the fellow dating your daughter is timely. Good that he feels able to talk to you about how he felt knowing that their is disapproval afoot.
    I just talked to the parents of the girl that was taking my son off over night without my permission and also trying to stay over when I was already asleep.
    this age group just is not really thinking so well. The parents are very nice. and it is going along now with the limits. So..yeah,, hickies are not really what parents want to see on their younge people.
  6. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I think you handled it fine. For some reason there are always kids who like hickeys or think they show you "belong" to each other. (I always just thought they were dumb - why would you let someone bruise you to show you belong. Just pee on his/her leg why don't you. And bruises, OUCH, I was too much a baby to ever think THAT was OK. LOL!)

    You might want to mention to each of them that not only are hickeys disrespectful they are actually PROOF that you hurt the person you love. When you get right down to what they are, they are BRUISES. Yes, inflicted in "passion" but still it is not OK to bruise the one you love or let someone else bruise you.

    Overall, you handled it pretty well. You kept communications open, the boyfriend IS a man/boy, but he is a respectful and responsible seeming man/boy. He also has guts, because it takes guts to go to your girlfriend's mom and apologize for that kind of behavior. MANY boys, even into college age, would NOT do that, wouldn't have the courage to do it.

    there is a country song that comes to mind. The dad is talking to the new boyfriend, says the daughter is his pride and joy, her mama's world, she deserves respect and thats what she'll get.

    Then the song goes on to his having a daughter who is startign to date and he is giving HER boyfriend the same spiel.

    You can't stop her from dating. You can keep talking with her, listening to her, and giving her guidance. She seems to be pretty well grounded, so she will problem be fine inthe long run.
  7. 'Chelle

    'Chelle Active Member

    I think you handled it pretty well. Let her know how you felt about it in a way that still showed you had trust in her (as she hasn't yet shown otherwise). You're letting her mature, yet still showing her what you see as the right thing to do. A hard line to walk, letting them grow up while still trying to parent and keep them safe.
  8. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Much as we'd like to, we can't wrap our kids in cotton wool and wait for pension age.

    We had the hickey thing ("love bites", they're called here) with both girls. Especially easy child 2/difficult child 2. Now, easy child 2/difficult child 2 has what husband calls "round heels". In other words, push gently and she'll be flat on her back. metaphorically speaking. Or to put it more kindly, she is a cuddlebug and extremely sensuous, more than she understands or realises. She always wanted to snuggle, was very cuddly all the time (often at inappropriate times) and we KNEW that the first serious boyfriend was going to get to have sex with her fairly early. Some things you can't prevent, not without a chastity belt and they're illegal. Mind you, we did try - I'm not kidding when I talk about husband & I taking turns lying on the floor outside her bedroom door when boyfriend was staying over in the spare room (which in our house is outside the main house, a sleepout). We got both girls onto birth control when we felt we needed to, just before they were about to be sexually active. As it turned out, we missed the starter's gun and were just after.

    Our concerns about early sex -
    1) Health. HPV is the most likely cause of cervical cancer but another thing to consider is the earlier a girl has sex for the first time, the greater her risk. A problem is the immaturity of cells on the cervix - they are changing form immature type to mature type and the cells on this junction are most vulnerable right when they get hit by sperm cells which are designed to invade a cell and change its DNA (that was actually a well-favoured theory for cause of cervical cancer back in the 80s and 90s). Although HPV now takes the blame, there's still a chance that the previous theory holds as well. And all this is aside form other health concerns, most of which are connected more to promiscuity.

    2) The emotional damage that can be done to either party can be immense. Usually it's worse for the girl who allows her boyfriend to go "all the way" because for a girl especially, there can be a very strong emotional connection to the other partner that is strengthened by having sex. If it is too casual, then people get hurt. With easy child 2/difficult child 2, I knew that in her case it would be the boyfriend who would get hurt more than her. She still suffered when they broke up but she was also relieved, because he was too suffocating. When we met him again (and his current girlfriend) we were struck by how much the new girlfriend is like easy child 2/difficult child 2, in appearance especially. He's not got over her; instead, he replaced her.

    3) Once you have experienced sex, it is very difficult (if not impossible) to go back to celibacy. One more reason to not start, unless you're sure you're genuinely in love AND the other person feels the same way. So if your child has already had sex (and been burned) they will find avoiding it in the future even more difficult and you will need to be more understanding than you ever thought you could manage.

    4) They are inexperienced and need to know that if they want the adult pleasures, they must take on the corresponding adult responsibilities. And if you don't know they're having sex, you don't know if they are being responsible.

    Sexual responsibility is complex but first and foremost, is physical protection. They must be safe. Safe from pregnancy, safe from anything damaging to health (cervical cancer, sexually transmitted diseases, urinary tract infections), safe from physical injury or attack due to choosing to have sex in risky locations.

    Next comes emotional responsibility. I already mentioned the need to be aware of the other person's investment in the emotional side of the relationship - both parties should be equally invested in the relationship, preferably deeply invested, before they choose to have sex. And it should be choice, informed choice, and not surprise or circumstances. It is so very easy for a heavy session to get out of hand and the young couple can suddenly discover that they just had sex when they didn't plan on it.
    Part of emotional responsibility is sympathy and understanding of the other person, which does best when allied with love and respect. Each partner needs to understand this and require respect, including self-respect, from their partners. You do not do what you do not want to do, neither do you allow yourself to be treated with disrespect just as you should not show disrespect. This also requires a good understanding of what is respect. Where there is genuine love, this comes much more easily. Where it is infatuation, self-respect can be shoved onto the front seat when the teen climbs into the back seat.
    Love for the other person should also make it easier to not pressure your partner into sex if/when they are reluctant (for whatever reason) and to also not be mean or critical for a less than stellar performance. Good sex takes practice. Youth has the advantage of hormonal overload allied with energy to burn. It does not provide experience or knowledge of how to please the other person. THAT takes practice as well as active, careful, loving study. Knowing to make that study is only the first step.

    I see my role as parent not so much as stopping my kids from having sex before marriage (because you just can't stop them if they are determined enough) but educating, informing and supporting them in their understanding of the responsibilities of becoming sexually active individuals. My girls chose to become sexually active before marriage. Both are now living with their BFs in de facto relationships. For a while easy child 2/difficult child 2 was living with her boyfriend in the sleepout at our place. If we had tried to forbid this, they would simply have moved out together, away from our supervision, support and tuition. A few "wowsers" at church were critical of us (expressed to me, I don't think anyone dared to mention anything to husband) and I noted that these people did not at that time have teenage daughters. Those whose daughters were a little older than ours were noticeably silent on the topic. There was one exception - a man with three daughters. He was very vocal about how a man has to protect his daughters and keep them virgin at all costs. I didn't tell him what my daughters had told me - how his daughters openly boasted about climbing out the bedroom window at night to go drinking (under-age) and meeting their BFs.

    The love-bite issue, when it came up with easy child 2/difficult child 2, we handled in a similar way to you. We pointed out that it showed lack of respect. But we also pointed out that it was broadcasting to all the other kids, their lack of finesse and skill. Inexperienced kids leave love-bites. More experienced lovers know exactly how to thrill without leaving marks. A hickey is the mark of clumsy adolescence. There are very few make-ups which can successfully cover a love-bite. The only ones which come close are the two-pack ones which are used to cover birthmarks. And even then, it still looks like you are wearing make-up. And apart from birthmarks, there is only one reason for wearing make-up on your neck when you're a teenager. The trick, however, is to use a foundation with green tones and top off with a paler concealer than you usually use.

    But even then - it's still best to wear a scarf over the top. And remember, next time, to stop the boy from doing this. A girl needs to learn how to keep the brakes on her guy.

    So please, parents - even if you're deeply religious, do not expect your children (especially with their rush of teen hormones) to share your enthusiasm for celibacy, at the time in their lives when it is most difficult. It's their decision, the best you can do is prepare them to make that an informed decision and to support them and keep them safe whichever path they choose. If your child is going to have sex anyway, then it needs to be as safely as possible. Allowing your child to have sex under your roof is maybe safer than insisting on no sex under your roof so they then go to lovers lanes and risk getting raped or worse by whatever weirdo hangs around those places to 'jump' young aspiring couples.

    We probably all would love our children to wait until marriage before having sex. But these days it's extremely rare. We need to be prepared for the most likely reality and be prepared to live with it.

    When I was in my late teens, I suffered from really bad period pain. I was living away from home at the time but still very much under the influence of my mother. She was concerned when the doctor finally put me on the Pill to deal with the severe period pain. The Pill worked like magic. I had had a boyfriend who wanted me on the Pill so he could safely have sex with me; I had never 'given in' to his demands because something in me held back. It's possible the Pill might have allowed him to bully me into sex, but I think I would perhaps have not told him about it to avoid the pressure from him.
    I finally told my mother, "If the Pill is the only barrier to me choosing to have sex before marriage, then I'm abstaining for the wrong reasons."

    It's only now, years after her death, that I've discovered why my mother was so terrified of any of us girls having premarital sex - it as what SHE had done, in the days before contraception, and it had changed her life forever when she fell pregnant and "had to get married". A quick registry wedding instead of the big family function, followed six months later by the birth of their first child, and then lying about it for the rest of their lives, forever afraid of being discovered in their lie and also of seeing history repeat itself in us.

    My mother instilled in me such a fear of having sex, that it took years of patience from husband to turn this around. It was the final weapon in her armoury in what she perceived as a war against sexuality. I never wanted to do that to my kids.

  9. Jena

    Jena New Member

    You all are the best! I have never laughed so hard as I am right now drinking my coffee!! We really all should get together at some point in time and cross the internet/reality boundary. Groups like this really dont' exist in reality ummm internet reality.

    Ok Andy when you said re introduce her into society i was tearing.

    Susie the fact you used the word "passion" ugh ugh ugh i wanted to throw up lol!! Yet the peeing on the leg thing saved my vomit, way too funny!! A country song comes to mind with me as well my own version "mom's going to have a heart attack, chorus singing "yup she is, yup she is",LOL!!!

    Rope - I wish you luck with your siutation, and yes seeing hickies on our "young" ppl with whom we once changed diapers on is umm confusing.

    Chelle - yes and thanks i think i did ok. You just don't know with these situations, sometimes you have to "wing" it and hope you handled it well.

    Marg - I read through your response and I agree 100%. The part of throw her on her back, once again "mom cringing" LOL. yet i have spoken to easy child at length about sex, protection, the pill which we will be going on by the way soon. she doesn't want to do it yet, her friend did and strongly regrets it. it left her emotionally a wreck and easy child doens't want to be unraveled that way at all. We have spoken of HIV, etc. the emotional issues of sex, fact she will than be "sexually active" person, fact she isnt' ready and knows it as well. My Mom never spoke with-me at length about these issues, she explained protection yet that' where it began and that's where it ended. I talk with he as much as possible, about the fact that she has desires and wants now (ok yuck lol) that she's never known before that it's normal, etc. etc.

    Overall, she's in love for the very first time. I can see it in her. I have to admit she has suddenly grown a bit. She's joined track team and goes every single day except sunday's it's her day off, she's being more watchful of her mouth with me (not alot, but we're getting there lol), she's trying to understand difficult child's issues a bit. she's been in denial for years over it. Also, she's starting to realize she will have a future, and will grow up even if she doens't want it. grades are getting better. shes' verbalizing more. overall i'm happy with her right now, wow did i say that?? lOL

    Thanks so much for your thought out responses. I appreciate the input as usual. I have to say also i was impressed that this young boy had the nerve to approach me that way. I was taken back a bit. He shows such character at such a young age. He has alot on his plate, with the dad issue at home, he's on the baseball team as well, which is demanding. his grades are surviving, he balances his friends with his new girlfriend!! Which by the way she tells him i trust you, you don't have to ask me if you can hang out with your friends. Love isnt' about chains it's about growing together and trusting eachother!! Ok where did this kid come from?? LOL i guess somehow along the way I've done ok with her. :)
  10. Jinxy

    Jinxy New Member

    Marguerite, some excellent points made, thank you!
  11. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    From this distance, it's actually a cute story. Especially about the boy apologizing to you! A very happy "ending." :) These kids have no idea what they put us through. :)
    I like the idea of a scarf, Marg.
  12. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    I have a desk calendar with a daily "medical blooper". They are supposed to be true recollections or notes from case files (often mistranscribed). One I recall was a doctor interviewing a teenage girl in ER and asking her if she was sexually active.
    "No," the girl replied." I generally just lie there and let my boyfriend get on with it."

  13. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Haha. I remember when I was seventeen and my boyfriend gave me a hickey. I was horrified (and a virgin and a goody two-shoes, so I don't really equate hickeys with being promiscuous). I kept my long hair over my hickey, but was out in the cold with Mom and my hair blew back. My Mom said, in a puzzled voice, "How did you hurt your neck?"
    I dodged a bullet there...hehe. I would NOT be concerned about easy child who was so open about it and her boyfriend who apologized to you. That's almost unheard of! Sounds like they are nice kids who want your respect. After five kids, if my youngest was 16 and came home with hickeys we would certainly talk about it, but I wouldn't be alarmed :) And the boyfriend's apology would just floor me!!!
  14. SearchingForRainbows

    SearchingForRainbows Active Member

    I'm getting here late but I also think you handled the situation well. I think it's wonderful that her boyfriend apologized to you - shows he really cares about your daughter and lots of respect.

    I love Marg's response and agree with it. easy child and I have had many, many discussions about sex. Unfortunately, she is hardly talking to me now (her friends are her life), but I still believe she has a level head on her shoulders when it comes to sex. I've always been open about sex and have tried to talk to my kids at age appropriate levels about it over the years.

    I think you're lucky that your daughter's first "love" is such a decent young man. I'm glad your daughter is doing so well. WFEN
  15. Wow it sounds like you are very lucky to have such a an open and caring boyfriend for your daughter .... I think how you handled it was really excellent she obviously trusts you and loves you to be able to communicate with you ..... I agree alot of people htat have written responses if you cant stop them from having sex educate them.. from what i remeber there is a lot of drama involved in teenage sex romeo and juilette type of stuff sometimes its the girl and sometimes its the boy LOL I have stored away some very important information for myself in the future although i must admit its really tough imagining that my boys will ever get to the point they want to kiss a girl LOL let alone anything else ....
  16. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    I'm with MWM - obviously, the communication lines are open, and that is HUGE.


    And Marg, thanks for the story about your easy child 2. My easy child 2 is much the same - she will do, say, or be anything to be accepted. She scares the carp out of me.
  17. Jena

    Jena New Member

    Yes communication is so important. I just keep working at it everyday. Marg did make some great points.