Update: Father says "don't call me anymore."

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by MidwestMom, Nov 23, 2014.

  1. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    This thing is blowing up like a large carnival balloon. My father is acting nutso over this. Today he called to tell me that the cop had called but he was out at the moment. Then...just when I thought this was behind me, he started screaming (that is not an exaggeration...yes, 90 year olds can scream) that it is my fault. I should have gone to their house before she opened the letter, told her that my father had mistakenly mailed a check to her, and to please call me when she gets it. If you think this doesn't make any sense, this is what I have dealt with all my life with him, and he's the "normal" of my two parents...lol.

    He was so abusive that I put the phone down and told him so, but I did hear him going on and on and screaming, "Don't ever call me again." Not that he hasn't said that before, but this time I'm not going to. I've had it. Maybe he can disown me too. I don't care. I am not going to beg his forgiveness, like I did with my mother, when I didn't do anything wrong to him. Or anyone. He was the one who wrote the check and sent it to the wrong house. The postmaster was supposed to forward it to us and they mistakenly didn't. Hey, people make mistakes.

    Oh, if you wonder why I put the phone down instead of just hanging up, my phone would not hang up...lol. It was like a magic curse. I could NOT make it disconnect the call...lol. I swear, I told him, "Dad, I am going to go now. I don't want to talk about this" and I tried to hang up, but I couldn't and I don't think he heard me so he kept screaming away and I put the phone down...it was bizarre, like a message from some supernatural monster. My mother haunting me? Refusing to let his call disconnect?

    I am angrier at him than at the thief now...lol. But I'm also laughing. This is becoming insane. Whenever I forget my family is/was insane, something happens to remind me that they are.

    My dad is a selective bully. Although he will yell at his kids, he will be nice as pie to strangers. The cop said he couldn't believe my father yelled at me. "He was a peach when I talked to him," the cop said. I told him I understood. I said that this was w hy I preferred that he (the cop) call to explain how this whole process works. He will listen to the cop, like he is a "peach." But if I try to explain things he doesn't understand, he will become abusive and not listen and get all worked up.

    I honestly am still in shock that this happened.

    This is why I consider only my immediate family, my family. I used to also consider my Dad family because he treated us all equally as horrible...lol. I just decided...no. This is not something I can deal with either. It's unfortunate. He is old. But if he doesn't want me to call him, I'm not going to try. I don't know if he means it or not, but I'm going to take him at his word. He probably wants me to beg and plead for him to forgive me. I won't do that this time. Yes, I've done that before.

    I am different now. This is crapola. I did call once and he didn't pick up so...oh, well. Games are not for me.

    I wish I coudld say that this doesn't bother me, but it does. I am close to tears. But it's just because it is more of the same old.

    Only my own father could make me forget my anger at the thieves. After all, the thieves are strangers. My father is my sperm donor. He was never a very involved father. And he is an even less involved grandfather and great-grandfather. He has never seen either great-grandchild. No interest.

    I guess it's time to let go again.

    This is why I don't think I should have had any kids. My difficult child makes no sense, a lot like a large chunk of my DNA connections. Fortunately, he hasn't had much interaction with them so he is not as bad as they are, but he sure got the worst of the DNA personality in my collection.
    Nobody will miss him at Thanksgiving. He is not close to anybody.
    Last edited: Nov 23, 2014
  2. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    MWM-I'm sorry you are having to deal with this on top of having the money stolen. Sending gentle hugs your way.
  3. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    MWM, that is so sad that your 90 year father is yelling at you and acting like this is somehow your fault. I would not blame you for not calling him and that is after all what he asked.
    As for forgiveness, if I know I have hurt someone I will ask them to forgive me and they may say "yes, I forgive you" but that really does nothing for me other than acknowledging I hurt them. Now, on the other side of that if someone hurts me I may or may not let them know, it depends on the person, however I will choose to forgive them because I will not allow someone else's actions to hold my emotions hostage.
    It is so clear that you did nothing wrong and that your father rather than accepting that he made a mistake by mailing the check to the wrong address that created this mess, would rather blame you. It's just really sad.
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Thanks. It's typical with him.

    No, I am not going to call him. He asked me not to and he is going to have to call me in order for us to speak again. Also, I will not talk to him if he is abusive, which he has been often and most of his life to all of his children (and others beyond his children too). He shoved a lady at a dance once and it wasn't that long ago. He made a royal fool out of himself and lost a lot of friends. Yet when he explained it, he said it was her fault that he "lost" his coat and that he just lost his temper a little bit and she made a big deal about it. So this is what I'm used to...this dysfunction and this sort of thinking. He never thinks he is wrong and never says he is sorry. He is a 90 year old difficult child.

    I don't allow my adult kids to talk to me that way and I'm not going to let my father destroy my holidays and hold the unwritten threat...my inheritance...over my head. If he disinherits me, he does. He threatens all of us with this all the time. My mother did it so I know what it's like and, really, my life is not worse for it. She didn't have much anyway. I have no idea what he has, but it is his money and he can do what he wants with it. I am not going to allow him to blackmail me over something like money. That is how he tries to control the three of us.

    I am very calm now. I decided to put the check incident and my father's rantings behind me and look forward to the excitement of my family all getting together for Thanksgiving. Well, except for 37...lol...but he is never there. The rest of us will have a lot of fun and I can squeeze my granddaughter!!

    "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change,
    the Courage to change the things I can,
    and the Wisdom to know the difference."
  5. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Good for you!! What a blessing you will be able to squeeze your granddaughter on Thanksgiving.
    My grandkids live 2000 miles away so I don't get to see them as often as I would like.
    Sounds like you are going to have a day filled lots of love and laughter :)
  6. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    That is so strange!

    Things like that happen around family dysfunction, don't they? Like, you just can't believe it could be happening, but there it is.

    And thank goodness it does. Otherwise, we would forget to protect ourselves.

    You handled it well, MWM ~ except for the not being able to disconnect the phone part.

    How eerie was that?!?


    Good phrase: selective bully. There is no bully, I think, who is not a selective bully. When they are not bullying someone over whom they have power, they are displaying cowardice before someone they perceive to have more power than they do. That is how a bully's mind works. Up and down the power spectrum. We never really have a relationship with a bully, at all. They are in relationship with their own power, or lack of it.

    I never could figure out whether to be sorry for that, or just be happy I finally saw it for what it was.

    Very destructive to us, to have a bully for a parent.

    I am glad you were able to see how his problems have affected him, and were able to stop believing in him.

    I'm sorry, MWM.

    We all want our fathers to be heroes.

    Thanksgiving is the best holiday.

    Maybe because we are older, there seem to be more things that inspire gratitude.

    I love it when there are babies in the family at the holidays. And just think. Next year, she will be walking and beginning to talk!

  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Cedar, once again, you are so kind and always know what to say ;)

    It is not new to me or a revelation that my father is a bully. He just was busy using it on my sister of late. I had decided long ago that the bullying from anybody is over and how I'd handle it if he told me not to call him or threatened to disinherit me (again). And I did it. If he disinherits me? So?

    He can't take away what is good in my life...my immediate family and the wonderful things in life that God gave us for free.

    I am clear-headed and in control this morning, ready to take on the day, kind of proud of me for not crying and caving in like I have done in the past. What he does he does, what he doesn't do, he doesn't do...it is and what it is and whatever happens is supposed to happen. I wrote him a very short letter telling him that I would respect his wishes and not contact him and that if he wished to contact me, that was fine, but he had to speak with respect, as I do him. It was a little longer, but not much.

    He will be shocked. He is used to the threa of disinheritance bringing us all into line, but I no longer care about that. After I mailed the short letter (maybe less than one paragraph long) I felt very free and hummed my way home, then watched football with my husband and went to sleep in a peaceful state. It is done. The check experience is also now behind me and I am moving on. He will not be missed at Thanksgiving as he isn't close to anyone, including me.

    Have a great day, all!!!
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  8. 2much2recover

    2much2recover Well-Known Member

    Don't all difficult child's blame someone else for their mistakes and expect the non-guilty party to take the blame for their eff-ups? It is like they are POed that the ball won't roll UP the hill. Glad you figured out a way to end the drama which, fortunately for you includes NOT having to deal with that dysfunction for Thanksgiving. Not that it isn't "tis the season" for those of us connected to difficult child's to expect high drama!
    :christmasgift: Bullying, the gift that keeps on giving :biting:
  9. 2much2recover

    2much2recover Well-Known Member

    I agree when a difficult child tells you not to call them anymore - do yourself a favor and take them at their word. Anything else just invites the drama you want to avoid!
  10. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Great job of letting go MWM, you are a true Veteran of the difficult child wars and a recipient of the Purple Star for heroism in the face of insanity. Congratulations. Celebrate!
  11. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    I am proud of and for you, too.

    It amazes me that once we begin to see differently, everything changes. We never go back to the old, sad ways, like we used to when we only knew that we wished we could be different, have more courage, stand up.

    How much blame we used to take for the things other people did!

    What an amazing feeling it is not to be shamed by what someone who should love us does, instead.

    Good for you, MWM.

  12. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Thank you all. I have known I had an insane asylum for DNA connections for years, but I never used this knowledge or my new coping skills on my father because he at least treated all three of us with equal idiocy and threatened all of us at one time to disinherit. His own father did this to him and it worked. They kissed his feet until he died. His father was a major difficult child too.

    I don't like being controlled. If I expect something from somebody, then they control me to a point. I prefer the freedom of being in control of my own destiny and not tied to drama/dysfunction.

    Headlights, my family holidays are very loving and peaceful. We have a small family, but we all get along. Even when 37 lived in Illinois and came over for holidays, he knew the "no drama" thing and did not try to disturb the peace, so to speak. My father sometimes shows up, at his own whim, when he feels like it. It is often that he does not show up because he has been invited to dinner at some lady's house...we most certainly are not first in his life. He is never nice enough to respond to an invitation in a timely fashion. He always says, "Well, I don't know. I'll have to see what else is going on." Meaning if a lady asks him to dinner. If he comes to dinner, it is just for maybe a half hour tops. So doubt anyone will even notice he hasn't made his short appearance. I'm not bringing this up at Thanksgiving.

    I always knew he was controlling, but for a long time I thought I needed his "inheritance." I don't have much money. I realize now that the price is too high and that it is his money to do what he wants with it and I survived disinheritance from crazy mom. I can do it again and it will even be easier as it won't hurt my feelings. I will be prepared.And not that It even matters, but I heard through the grapevine that he lost a lot of his money during the stock market crash of 2008 (shrug). Doesn't matter to me.

    He is going to be shocked by my short little message to him. Nobody has ever told him it was ok not to talk to them and that they'd respect his wishes. That's not probably what he wants. I think he likes the begging and his control of hanging up and refusing to talk. But I'll never know for sure and it doesn't matter.

    True freedom is being true to yourself and not harping on what dysfunctional, sick, mean people try to do to control your life and happiness. I wish I had "gotten" this before I turned 50, but, hey, it has given me many, many wonderful, peaceful years with more to come.

    I hope everyone here has a wonderful Thanksgiving :)
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  13. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Oh, for those of you who suggested forgiveness, that's not a problem. I forgave my DNA connections long ago. Forgiveness is for the person...not to ask the other person to be remorseful. Usually they feel they did nothing wrong.

    I give them to God then say I forgive what they did because they don't know an y better. These days, after that, I move on. I do not engage them further if they have no remorse just because I forgave them.
  14. 2much2recover

    2much2recover Well-Known Member

    My situation is a little sideways to this one as it is the difficult child daughter who wants to control me in order to get her hands on our money somewhere down the highway. In no way are we rich, just comfortable for retirement/disabled. difficult child would love to get her hands on "our" money to as she says, "take care of us". Boy can I read that message based on her past actions. First of all I could never, ever, live with difficult child because she is an angry and aggressive personality type person. Say I did live with her, she would just bully me out of whatever she could if I ever put myself in that situation.
    When I read on here how people give their adult difficult child's money I just shake my head - retirement money is for you to take care of yourself, especially if your child is a difficult child. (Mine is an only child) The new economic retirement model is to take care of your retirement first because, say you spend it on a child's education, it will then mean harder or leaner times when retirement rolls around while the child that pays for their own education has both years to pay back student loans and save for retirement. When you give (away) money to a difficult child adult child, especially the older ones, you might as well just have thrown that retirement money (and the interest) out the window.
    Sorry, didn't mean to hijack your thread, but I guess I am trying to say, no matter how you look at it, difficult child's and money should never mix. Seems no matter the relationship there is either strings attached or the non-gif is going to be screwed down the highway!

  15. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Headlights, I would never give your particular difficult child control of your money, your health and welfare or anything. Sadly, she is a threat to you.

    I agree with you. Your retirement money is for you. I can't see giving it to difficult children. By the time we are retirement age, our grown children should be taking care of themselves 100%. If they aren't, that usually means they are not honest or trustworthy and who knows if they want to get their hands on our money earlier than we want to leave this world? Hate to state it, but it's happened many, many times...homicides for money. I would not even include your difficult child in your will if it were me, but that's just me. I'd rather give it to my favorite charity than to a child of mine who tried to cheat me out of what I'd earned. Again, though, this is me.
  16. 2much2recover

    2much2recover Well-Known Member

    I so totally agree with this statement - would rather give any remaining money to be used for single mom scholarships or shelters that help out the unfortunate than leave it to a self-center and selfish BRAT. by the way I wanted to add: Though I seemed to be sitting in judgement of those who give their difficult child's money, although my situation was somewhat different - the ending was the same..............so rather than come from a point of judgement I am coming from a point of been there, have the hat, t-shirt and bag! (and this new way - of not helping out the kiddo's was not in the news then.) Ah crap TRUST........why do we trust those we KNOW will take advantage of us! Guess it too is "when we know better, we do better"
  17. cubsgirl

    cubsgirl Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry you had to deal with this on top of dealing with the thief. I come from crazy DNA connections myself so I totally understand. I had to cut my narcissistic mother out of my life 20 years ago and I have been better for it. Like you, I forgave her for my own peace of mind, but she definitely does not feel any remorse.

    You are wise to stop contact unless/until he can behave like a grown-up and treat you with respect.
  18. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    All I can say is you deserve the peace. I am glad you can forgive but chose to move forward withtout the drama.
  19. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Well, he was the one who told me not to contact him. He has said that before and then refused to talk to all of us for weeks. He did a year with my sister. But it is my decision that if he wants no contact, I will not contact him. I did keep the door open for him to contact me if he wanted to and would talk respectfully, as I always talk to him. I told him "It is entirely your decision who to speak to and what to do with your own money." Well, I wrote it in my paragraph.

    I know him and he will be shocked that I didn't beg forgiveness so that I can get his money. I don't really want his money at the cost of it. He is not giving it to us with joy. It has conditions applied to it. So let him split it between my two siblings. I am so done with caring about that. Money has never been important to me (Suzir, I was not like your mother...lol...but I just never had a strong need to have material things that other people craved).

    To me, peace is way on the top of my list in what I want.

    He is free to contact me, but never again will I put up with his abuse, just as I stopped letting 37 abuse me. It is his call now.

    Today was a good day. I did go to my credit union to show them the check and to ask how to cleared thier online applicaton. After all Thief told the cops she had used the ap that our credit union has. I had a nice talk with a really smart and zealous young woman who is the manager of the credit union. She had checked all morning for a $200 check cashed on Dec. 3rd and none exxisted. Thief lied to cop and did not use this facility to cash her check. My father's bank said it was some ap from Bank of America. So the credit union, angry that she slandered their credit union, called the cop to tell him that she'd lied to him. Later one of the cops, higher up than the one doing the investigation and another buddy of ours, said, "Now she has done obstruction of justice."

    Right after that, I had coffee with a friend, had a nice time, then went home because it was starting to snow pretty badly. I refused to let this stuff rule my day or my emotions and used my favorite copi9ng mechanism---distraction. I had a day off so I listened to Christmas music, which I love, and danced around the house and sang and let my dogs run after me, then I took a nap. It was a good day. A peaceful day in Pamland.

    I am sooooooooooooooooooooooooo grateful to the concept of Mindfulness, radical acceptance, and dialectal behavioral therapy. I can handle even the worst drama now and still feel at peace because things are as they should be or they wouldn't be this way. And I can move on from the drama quickly.

    I highly recommend these methods for anyone under stress.
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  20. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    WHEW! I am so sorry about all of that. He is nutty, if I must say so. :)
    You don't deserve that.
    You are so strong. I hope some of your strength rubs off on me.
    I know you do it because you have to, but still ... :)