UPDATE..found disturbing stuff on pcs computer

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by tinamarie1, Nov 15, 2007.

  1. tinamarie1

    tinamarie1 Member

    I am typing this fast as husband will be home any minute. i borrowed easy child's laptop to look at something on youtube and it evidentally saves her recent searches. when i typed in L.....and N naked and lesbians were alot of the recent searches. i don't know what to do...should i immediately take away her easy child? i know this may be a no brainer for yall....but i have not been faced with this. she has been caught looking at similar stuff but it was over a year ago and we thought she was following the rules...but her laptop is brand new so i know that is not the case. husband will hit the roof...as this is not appropriate but the "l" part is against our religion. agggg
     
  2. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Well, religion aside, your rules are your rules. If you set rules and they are broken, I say she loses the laptop.
     
  3. 4sumrzn

    4sumrzn New Member

    Oh goodness. I am trying to put myself in your shoes on how I would react if I found something like that on my easy child son's computer (thank goodness he doesn't have internet on his....wants it badly though). I guess, especially if it has happened before......maybe it's time for a talk about it maybe!?!? I'm pretty new around here & I'm not "up to date" on everyone (so many), so I guess I don't really "know" enough to give suggestions.....but, I would personally want to know why my easy child is so interested. Sorry, guess I'm not much help! I'm curious to see what the others say.
     
  4. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Been thru a similar situation with Travis and porn on the computer.

    I'd sit down and talk quietly with her. Honestly, if husband is going to be really upset, leave telling him til after you and she have discussed this curiosity. Often when parents over react it can fuel the desire to keep doing the behavior. And she'll probably be more comforable discussing the issue with you.

    Curiosity or not, religion aside, rules are rules.

    Travis was banned from the computer unless directly supervised by me for a whole year due to his curiosity for porn. Not because I'm a prude but because it was MY computer, and the stuff he was looking at wasn't even remotely tasteful. I went out and bought him a Playboy. Told him if he was curious as to naked females, he could at least look at pics that weren't luidly done.

    Hugs
     
  5. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    If she is old enough to have a laptop she is old enough to follow the rules.

    I am sorry. I will not speak to religion or anyother, just rules, consequences.

    I will say that the less emotion/upset/reaction you show, the better.

    This is the case for many things with our kids. I am the yeller usually in our house.

    NOt lately, but up to a few years ago.

    I will say that 13 is VERY VERY young to be alone and unsupervised on the internet. My daughter is 12, and will be MUCH older before I will permit any internet acces on "her own" computer. She has a logon ID, I am sure she can create a new hotmail or whatever account (she is quite intelligent, as most are about this anymore). BUT we have software recording every keystroke and website visited.

    And that is on the ADMINISTRATOR ACCOUNT. Even more layers on the other accounts.

    She has not, to my knowledge, gone anywhere we told ehr not to, but she is a child.

    The internet is a big ole welcome sign on a door with no lock, if it is not on a monitored computer.

    If school wants her to have that much access, then school can provide the laptop and stand over her (physically) while she does school work. I have been faced with this argument (idiocy - teacher wanted to sell her ebay stuff while kids "researched" stuff, among so many other times the school insisted a child of mine could not possible learn anything unless he/she/it had internet access (by it, I think they relented when I found they had a student account set up for my cat - NOT a joke, not by a LONG shot. Sadly, the teacher DARED my oldest to do this. Told him it was not possible. The cat's name was FRECKLES DEES. And that was our cat's name.)

    I would include teacher accompanying her home for any/all homework to be viewed, downloaded, submitted, or otherwise having anything to do with the internet. But I am a meanie, jsut ask our middle school.

    Susie
     
  6. mrscatinthehat

    mrscatinthehat Seussical

    Well- Have you thought about when you do give the computer back that you might want a nanny program. I know We use msn and it comes with parental controls. I don't know who you go through but we do this for various reasons.

    Beth
     
  7. guest3

    guest3 Guest

    hmmm this is why difficult child I has no computer nor is he allowed to use my Dad's (I have to ask to use my Dad's how sad is this, I need to break down and buy a laptop!)
     
  8. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    First, are you sure it wasn't your difficult child?
    Second, if it were your easy child, then she is probably crying out for attention or acting out to get a reaction. My understanding is thirteen is a real ugly age.
     
  9. ck1

    ck1 New Member

    This is/was a constant battle in our house. We put a websitter on his laptop so that I can go to a site, login, and be able to see every keystroke he types from his laptop. I can't tell you how well it works yet though, because I put it on the same day he got in trouble and he's been gone ever since.

    I plan on telling him when he gets home that we have it so that he is not tempted to go to the sites he's not supposed to go to. Some of our kids just need to know that they're being watched and it's easier for them to stay in line, at least that's my hope.

    I agree with everyone else, don't get too upset when you talk with her. Rules are rules so there have to be consequences, however, curiosity is part of growing up. In our house, difficult child goes to husband to talk about sex and that kind of stuff because I am just not good at talking about it. I try, but it's really hard, but every kid needs someone who they can ask questions to but won't judge them.
     
  10. Stella Johnson

    Stella Johnson Active Member

    It sounds like she's probably curious about something. I think I would have a sit down with her and see what she is thinking or wondering about.

    This is also one of the reasons my difficult child will never have a computer that isn't in the den. Right now I don't see her trying to look at anything like that but the internet can be a scary place. There are predators and sickos all over.

    When my difficult child plays on the easy child it is always either on my laptop when I am sitting right there or on the desktop in the den. There will never be a computer in her room.

    I would suggest that you get a net nanny and that the computer must stay in common areas of the house so that she can be supervised.

    Steph
     
  11. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    When something is forbidden, it can create a desire to know all about it. When kids reach their teens they have had about as much moral input from us as is going to work, everything from here is based on whatever we got through to them, from here they use their own curiosity and judgement (which is why teen years are so terrifying for parents).

    All we can do is hope we got enough common sense and moral guidance laid down in their brain pathways before they discovered independent thought.

    Whatever you decide, I would talk to her about her curiosity. What does she need to know? Can you help her find out for herself without any accompanying moral judgements? Often this can demystify it all, can make it less attractive simply because the knowledge itself is not forbidden (knowledge should never be forbidden), merely obsessing about it.

    An example - a child brought up in a religion that doesn't permit birth control. The child may not be intending to use birth control in the immediate future, but just wants to know more about it in order to better understand the guidance he's been raised with. How does The Pill work? How do you use condoms? How do IUDs work?

    I remember back in my teens and extremely religious, moral days, finding out how IUDs work and thinking, "That is so wrong, I could never permit that in my body." My new knowledge actually helped consolidate the moral position I'd been raised with.

    As I grew older and learned more about the world, this did temper my rigid black-and-white views, but I am still very much a product of my early upbringing.

    Sex and sexuality is very much something on the minds of teens, simply because their own bodies are changing and they want to understand, if only to have some idea of what to expect. Sexual attraction can be very confused at this stage, but if it is it does usually settle as the body settles into its hormonal rhythm.

    I remember not knowing what a lesbian was although I was being called one by kids at school (who probably didn't know what it was either). Kids use stupid insults like this to bully others. difficult child 3 got called similarly male insult names some years ago, expressed in a very derogatory way. He then called another kid the same names, at which point I was the one getting a call from the teacher, about the nasty names my son was calling another kid. I pointed out to the teacher that she very well knew that he would not hear words like that in our home, not even as descriptive terms about other people's preferred sexual orientation. The only way difficult child 3 could have learnt those words was if he had been called them by other kids; probably the same kids who he was now calling names.

    Back in my day, I remember trying to look up the words I got called. Our dictionary wasn't much help, it had very pejorative definitions which were too ambiguous for me to understand. A lesbian was a woman who loved another woman. Well I loved my mother, what did that make me?
    It's like saying someone is "no better than she should be" which if you think about it, means she is as good as she can be and this is right. Or that she is "a woman of easy virtue" which can be interpreted as "she finds virtue easy", in other words she is a naturally good and virtuous person.

    The way we use words, the way we use language, can be very confusing to even a smart early teen. And if something is forbidden and she wants to find out more about it, what does she do?

    If she has broken your rules you need to sort this out. But I would find out WHY she felt she needed to. If she really needs to know something, then talk to her about maybe talking to you next time. But if she's simply viewing stuff in order to defy you or to challenge your authority, then you need to take a different sort of action, such as confiscating the laptop.

    If you have to install effective 'net nanny' software she will find it very inconvenient, but if she didn't break your rules, this wouldn't be necessary.

    But also be aware - all this will do is stop her accessing suspect material on her laptop. There are still the school computers, friends' houses, libraries, cafés etc.

    The most effective deterrent is the one she puts on herself. Anything that is imposed has to be monitored in order to be sure it is being adhered to. Only if you KNOW she is choosing to not access inappropriate material, can you be sure.

    Marg
     
  12. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    You've gotten some good advice here. I would echo the comments about staying calm, and not fueling the flame by overreacting. (Easier said than done!) Good luck.
     
  13. tinamarie1

    tinamarie1 Member

    well husband talked to her about it...she admitted she set up the youtube account, but adamantly denies watching xrated stuff. now, husband says that youtube does not put porn stuff on their site. he tried to get me to watch it with- him to verify but my stomach was turning at the thought of my daughter watching people have sex (if they really were). difficult child denies watching it either. so from here on out they have to be in the family room when on the computer, no behind closed doors, and no if we are not home and they can't get on it if we are asleep.
    I have not addressed homosexuality with her. I have no idea what to say. Although it does not fit in with our religion and it is certainly not what i want for my daughter...I would never shun her or change the way I feel about her if she decides to go that way.
    p.s. i made husband promise not to lose control, and he did very well, i actually thought he was TOO nice about things...but I didn't say that to him.
     
  14. KFld

    KFld New Member

    Sounds like you took the right steps, since you really have no proof as to who was watching it. Keeping them in the familyroom where you can see what they are doing is a great idea.

    Good for husband keeping his cool. Doesn't help when a situation is blown way out of perportion.
     
  15. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    If you think that this "could" become a problem - invest in Net Nanny.

    There are also steps you can take to prevent most undesirable or adult web sites on her computer by setting yourself up as the administrator of her computer, then setting her up for an account, setting the security levels on her account, and checking the history of where she's been. A lot of them (kids) are smart and erase the history, but they forget to erase what they Googled, so a simple typing of A, B, C,D will bring up what they were looking for.

    There is also a program that you can install in her computer that she will never know is there, and you can access her computer from anywhere to see what she's looking at.

    If you need help doing the free stuff PM me. I'll do what I can. And while setting your preferences on high security does help, it will NOT eliminate all of the ability for smut to get through.

    -Also there are other "you tube" type sights out there like metacafe that have riskier videos and nudity. They have a select adult content okay button -it wouldn't be hard to watch that and switch the no adult button back when done - but she'd also have to erase her history - we told difficult child that if his history was erased one time for us not to check it - the computer was gone. When he did - the computer DID go.

    Sorry for this - it made me sick too.

    As far as addressing her on the issues of not being heterosexual? It's a lot easier even from a Christian home than you would think.

    Hugs
    Star
     
  16. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    You could always put on a keylogging program too.

    And this is not an "oh my gosh, I can't believe I have to do this" moment. The internet is relatively new, kids are surfing younger and younger, and the web is getting scarier and scarier.

    You'd be well within your rights and your wits to protect your child in any and every way possible.
     
  17. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Sounds like you parents did a great job!! It is never easy to handle this stuff. Do you have a plan to keep them off the computer when you are not home? I have seen fingerprint systems for computers in the past.

    Anyway, relax and enjoy the weekend. If nothing else, this should reassure you that husband CAN keep his cool! And hopefully this will end.

    One thing just occurred to me. There are MANY file sharing programs kids use. Often toshare stuff with friends. The big ole BUT is coming, wait for it... BUT there is very little control over who accesses the computer through the internet.

    We have a lovely computer in our living room for the kids. It was given to us by husband's stepmom's granddaughter. She was in college, did the file sharing stuff. Someone "hijacked" her computer and used it as a zombie. This is a relay to help hide the real perv's identity. There was some scary stuff. Luckily NOT child related, but it could have gotten nasty.

    Eventually the computer locked up. it took my husband 5 complete weekends to rehab this computer. Mostly to clean it up enough to format all the drives or whatever so that it was wiped clean. We wiped all the drives.

    There is a slim chance that if either kid is file sharing this could happen.

    Susie
     
  18. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    p.s. i made husband promise not to lose control, and he did very well, i actually thought he was TOO nice about things...but I didn't say that to him.

    LOL! Be careful what you wish for. :)
    I'm glad you're taking steps to have computer use in the family area.
     
  19. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Good for husband for keeping control! :smile:

    Sounds like you handled it well. Keeping the computer in a common room and not letting it be used without supervision is a good idea with kids in the house.

    Both Travis and Nichole have their own computers. BUT they were grad gifts.

    My computer is in the kitchen. And that was the one they used. Believe me, since it was MY computer I watched over my shoulder. lol

    Oh, if they try to sneak on without you knowing.....These kids are computer savvy...... Take the keyboard and mouse and lock it up.

    I know it can be difficult to talk to your kids about sex issues. But she's 13, and these issues are going to come up more and more as she ages and matures. The first couple of such talks can be hard and a bit embarassing, but then it gets easier with each one you have. Also don't have to have "sit down" talks. I used to find opportunities to say something here and there to my kids. Like say if something was shown on tv.

    Hopefully the problem has been nipped in the bud.

    Hugs
     
  20. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Just a suggestion, to REALLY throw a scare into her - get her to read "The Blue Nowhere" by Jeffery Deaver. It will make her be SO CAREFUL with her computer use...

    I wouldn't stress too much about concerns about sexual orientation at this stage. From my own experience, it is rarely a lifestyle of choice, she is already set in whatever path she will follow in this. Reading about it or viewing it is unlikely to change the direction she is headed, when it comes to being straight or gay.

    That said, I do remember having a crush on a (female) gym teacher. It seems absurd now to think about it; and certainly, the gym teacher never had a clue. It was just a phase I was going through and would not have stayed in. I didn't even know to call it anything, and nobody ever knew. It only lasted a few weeks and afterwards I was shaking my head in disbelief at myself. I had no religious hang-up (I was THAT naive) - it just seemed bizarre, after the fact.

    I've since found out this is not uncommon in early teens, as the hormones wake up and cause a lot of confusion.

    Marg
     
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