Update here...

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by toughlovin, Dec 28, 2012.

  1. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Hi Everyone,

    I have been catching up this morning. Not sure why exactly but I just kind of took a break over the last couple of weeks from the board and then got so behind on reading posts. Maybe it was just the holidays and one of my ways to keep my head above water.... but I have been thinking of you and glad to hear the good news stories and the good Xmas stories.

    I survived Xmas and managed to have a good day in spite of the drama that is my difficult child. Really he does not make it easy!!! I have been very worried about him, had some communication and have been having to hold on tight to my resolve not to rescue him and to keep finding the balance between supportinghim to find his way but not to do it for him. Honestly he makes that a hard balance to find sometimes.

    I have been following him on FB as that has been the only way to communicate. At times I am horrified by what I read, at times sad and worried and sometimes he makes me laugh.

    Christmas morning I woke up to a FB post saying he woke up at 3am in a EMS van being warmed up by blankets and heaters as he almost froze to death!!! I messaged him and told him to find a shelter! It is scary to think of him freezing to death sleeping outside in the middle of winter in Denver! The next mornings post was about how he woke up next to someone who did freeze to death!! But NO I did not contact him and offer him a hotel room!!!

    One of the problems he has is he has no id... I sent him his birth certificate (to this homeless place where I can send him mail) but that is not enough to actually get an id. So I was able to finally get online and get a replacement drivers liscense sent to him which he is waiting for. I also had my friend in LA send him a phone. So we did do that.

    A couple of days ago we had a conversation and he talked about going to treatment.... he is trying to find a place and I had a few hopeful moments... but the only place he was looking at was another private place in CA!!!! They may take insurance but he obviously wanted me to figure it out!!! I basically put it back in his court and said we would pay copays but he had to find a place that would take insurance, we were not spending thousands of dollars again on treatment... and that he had to find the place. At which point he got kind of mad and said well then forget tx. He had this one fancy place in mind, which makes me wonder if some girl he knows happens to be at that place! I told him it does not sound like he is serious about getting sober, but rather he is trying to get out of his current situation! He admittted he is only doing it to get the warrants off him here, and to get into a sober house so he can get a job and get his life on track.... good goals but it is obvious he still isnt connecting the dots to his problems with substance abuse!!!

    So we had the conversation about treatment but nothing further. He is still on the streets in denver. It is really really hard to stay detached and to be happy knowing he is living on the streets in the middle of winter. However to be honest I think I have done a reasonable job of keeping my life going and enjoying the holiday... we did have a nice Xmas in spite of him.

    Yesterday he texted me that he had gotten his phone. Today he called me. It was so good to hear his voice and he does sound ok. He has spent a couple of nights in shelter. I had texted him that my brother had sent some money for him for Xmas and that I would get him something small if he went back to REI. So he asked if he could go to REI today and get some boots, it is his feet that get the coldest. I said that would be fine.

    I am glad he has a phone... and so when he is ready for treatment, or real help he can make the calls. And it is one more way fro me to check that he is still alive.... and really all I can do right now is just wait until he is ready for help... and to stick to my resolve that we will support him but not rescue him.

    Thinking of you all,

  2. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    I know it is hard, but you are doing great.
  3. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hugs TL. You are doing all the right things even though it hurts to think if him cold and hungry. I just wish our difficult children wanted a better way.

    I hope you have a nice new years and 2013 is kind to our difficult children.
  4. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Wow, TL, I admire your strength. I will never understand how the need for drugs could be so powerful that someone would be willing to spend the night out in the cold nearly freezing to death . . . especially if pot is the only thing your difficult child is using. I would be running to the nearest treatment facility if only to get warm.

    Keep strong and keep posting. I understand your need for the break from the board, though. I have taken them before, too.

  5. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Ummm...why doesnt he migrate to a warmer climate than Denver? If its the easy access to pot even Washington State has to be warmer than Denver! It might be wetter but it has to be warmer. I think I would either go back to CA and get a medical MJ card for oh...anxiety...or head out east to a warm state. Come to NC, its not that cold and pot is a ticket. You will never go to jail for personal use.
  6. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Oh I think he is using more than pot! On fb he talked about having a tab of acid and there are some references to heroin....he is telling me he only has weed in his system but I don't really believe him. I think right now he is staying in Denver until he gets the I'd I sent him, because there he has a place to get mail. I think once he gets that he may head south....at least now he has a phone.

    To me, even though he doesn't think he is an addict, the fact that he can't stick a program out without using something says to me heis an addict. I mean a non addict ould give up using to get themselves together...at least I would think.

  7. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Janet for a minute I thought you were suggesting Ohio and I was going to say no no no my difficult child and TL's difficult child would find each other in an instant! Then I realized you were saying "oh".
  8. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I do admire your consistent support with-o enabling. Truthfully I have often wondered what I would have done if we lived in a colder climate. on the other hand, the Serenity Prayer reigns. I'm really glad that you managed to enjoy the holiday, TL. Hang in there. DDD
  9. BKS

    BKS New Member


    I admire your strength and consistency in standing firm and not enabling your son. I will keep him and you in my prayers.

  10. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    No, Ohio isnt any warmer than Denver this time of year...lol. I was thinking warm! For the life of me I cant figure out why homeless people want to stay in cold climates and I do have some experience with this. I had an aunt who was a rather famous homeless woman in a suburb of Boston for years. She was a rather said figure because at one time she was a very successful woman but then she got hit by a bus and dragged for over a block and received a severe head injury and she was just never the same after that. That was so many years ago before lawsuits happened and she ended up just losing her job and living on the streets after getting out of the hospital. I believe the town was Medford but not completely positive. The rest of my family is from Reading and she lived a few towns over. She was quite the character. I think she died when I was in my 20's. She refused to go into shelters because she thought people would steal from her. Once in a blue moon she would let my dad and her other brothers pay for a room for her but not often. She considered that a handout and she didnt want that. Instead she panhandled and picked up cans. Her brain just was so messed up after the accident she was never the same again. It was so sad. It was also so sad because their other sister has severe epilepsy and has never been able to work along with severe juvenile diabetes. She is still alive as far as I know. I havent heard from any of them since my father died and I doubt I will. I wont know when any of my uncles die. That makes me so incredibly sad. I love them so much.
  11. buddy

    buddy New Member

    So many hugs, not enough time! Bless your heart doing so well thru all this.
  12. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Thank you all for your thoughts... sometimes I amaze myself that I keep on going and I am not letting him take me down too.... I think the three things that have really helped are a great husband who is on the same page with me, a great parent alanon group and a easy child daughter that I need to be there for. I dont want my son to ruin my life but I cant let him ruin hers!!!

    And Nancy I dont think there is any draw for my son in Ohio.... although he might have to pass through to get back to New England (which is where I think he wants to be) so lets hope he and your difficult child dont ever meet. They would think they were soul mates because they are so much alike!!! And it would be a total disaster!


  13. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    TL- you are an inspiration!
  14. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    TL, I am so glad you were able to have a nice holiday in spite of your difficult child's choices. I am the queen of taking a break from the board. I wrote Kathy a long letter explaining why but the jist is that I get too caught up and I don't go out and have enough face to face experiences. Thankfully everyone here understands and welcomes me back when I once again need the support that only other parents of difficult children can give. ((HUGS)) -RM