UPDATE I am ready

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by hearts and roses, Sep 9, 2007.

  1. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    I am finally there. I am ready for difficult child to get out of my house and out from under me. I do not think that she is in danger of killing herself or getting herself killed and I don't think that I will be able to handle things after she turns 18 in October. Her bio-dad has offered plenty of times for her to move to his house, a state away, 3 hours, 150 miles...and I am ready to pounce on that.

    Despite her blown smoke up her counselor's behind about wanting to attend AA meetings, she has yet to do so and H and I are scheduled to attend one of her sessions this week to learn how we can help her and to be perfectly honest, I am no longer interested. My feeling is that she's old enough and if she REALLY wanted to help herself, she would have by now.

    She's got no job, keeps blowing off interviews and applications. Her license is now suspended starting October 3rd for 30 days due to a ticket for possession of alcohol by a minor. She lies to us about needing money, but I stopped giving her money weeks ago. H gave her money. My mom who is staying with us gave difficult child her gas card (I made difficult child give it back) and my mom also gave her $$ (I told her to stop it). difficult child is skating and she's been crashing at this girls' house whose parents allow partying and kids to crash there all the time. The parents just had a tag sale to pay their rent - what does that tell you? They let kids hang out there, sleep there, drink there, smoke pot there, have sex there unsupervised and now difficult child is hanging there with all the bums. She was supposed to be home at 10:30 this morning and here it is almost 3:30PM and I have not heard from her at all. I know she's probably either still drunk, too hung over or just doesn't give a hoot enough to call me.

    It's time for the ultimatum. Either she flies straight or she's outta here and can move to her dads. I just can't stand this at all and I have no patiences anymore. I just want a little peaceful sleep and not to constantly be angry.
  2. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    I say go for it. And, you're giving her a viable option with living with her Dad.

    Good luck! :thumbsup:

  3. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    I certainly understand. I just wish I had a ex to send my difficult child to. Instead its me and husband fighting the battle together and we are both sick of living with him.
  4. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Short version: difficult child came home, we got into it, fought and then it got physical. I struck her. She struck me...she called me a wh___e? I dont' know where that came from. But she did. I guess I just lost it and I struck her. She smacked my head....bad words were said, she left. I took away her keys, her purse, and her cell (which is dead anyway). She went to her friend's house down the street and then H saw them drive by. I don't know where she is. I want to apologize for hitting her, but nothing else. I feel like crap and don't know how to feel. I have a nervousness in my stomach. H seems unphazed. This doesn't happen often at all - maybe once a year. I don't know. Ugh.

    I was thinking of withdrawing her from her college classes, getting my money back and sending her to live with her dad. That seems to be the only thing I can think of. I need to get her away from the loser friends and her away from me. That sounds terrible.
  5. AllStressedOut

    AllStressedOut New Member

    I think if one of my kids called me a wh**e, I'd have smacked them upside the head. It would be a natural reaction in my opinion. I don't remember the last time I spanked one of my kids, but when someone calls you something like that, it's the reaction that usually comes out. It's something engrained in us with television and old fashioned parenting.

    I'd be ready to ship her off to her dad's too. Don't beat yourself up over that part. Apologize for your knee jerk reaction and let her know what she called you still isn't acceptable. That it's time for you two to get a break from eachother and she'll be headed off to daddy's shortly.

    I'm sorry the argument went the way it did. (((hugs)))
  6. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    I dunno if this will make you feel better, but if one of my kids called me that they'd have gotten slapped senseless. It would be a gut reaction with no malice behind it. But it would be my response. I don't react well to certain words. That's one of them.

    Thankfully my kids have as yet to try to push that limit.

    I think some space between you and difficult child right now is a good sound idea. You need the break if nothing else.

  7. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I did smack my difficult child when she called me a C--- in a rage. She left the house and ran away for a few days (she was 17 about to turn 18). When she came back, I told her that I would never be called that by my child again and if she did, she would have to live somewhere else.

    She's done some bad things since but she has never cussed me out again.

    I wouldn't be tearing myself up about what you did. I do think it's time for a break for the two of you. Sending her to her dad sounds like a wonderful option. As you pointed out, she is not accomplishing anything or moving forward at this point.

    I'm sorry that you had to go through this with your difficult child. I know how much it tears you up inside. If it helps any, my difficult child was at her worst when she was the same age as your difficult child is now. She has grown up a lot since then and is really getting it together now. We are even building a great relationship and I like to spend time with her now. I certainly couldn't have said that when she was 17.

  8. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body">Apologize for your knee jerk reaction and let her know what she called you still isn't acceptable. That it's time for you two to get a break from eachother and she'll be headed off to daddy's shortly. </div></div>


    Hugs, Jo-

  9. hearthope

    hearthope New Member

    You don't sound terrible, you sound like a mom that has done all she can and your child still won't see the light.

    I would get my money back from the classes, if she is partying she is not applying herself anyway.

    I wouldn't think twice about sending her to her dad's, it is good she has that option, otherwise I would say just out of the house and let her sink or swim.

    Sending hugs,

  10. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member


    I just reread your post and I missed the line about getting her away from her loser friends.

    Loser friends were a big problem with my difficult child, too. I would have loved to have gotten her away from them but we had nowhere we could send my difficult child.

    I think that is even more reason for you to send her to her dad.

  11. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    She came home to pack some things, get her medications and cell. I have her license (it is suspended until Nov anyway) and I told her I'd withdraw her from her classes tomorrow morning - she said since she has no car, she can't get there anyway. I asked her if she's taking her applications for a job with her and she said the same thing - no car. My mom slipped a few dollars, but after that I don't know what she will do for cash. She is staying at a friends and I suggested her dads and she said, "sure". I told her I was sorry for things escalating as they did and that I loved her. I told her that I was hoping she'd be more sensible and stay home and work to save money so when she moved out she'd have a foundation of sorts. She said she knows. I told her I loved her and that when she's ready to start over she can call me to come home, but that things will be different. She said okay.

    I will call her dad tomorrow and let him call her himself and make a plan with her if he wants to. He is supposed to go visit easy child next week in VA so I don't know, maybe difficult child will go with him. That would be good for her, but would stink for easy child (it would be all about difficult child once again!).

    Anyway, I feel better knowing she has her medications and some stuff. I feel sad inside, this isn't how I pictured things to be when I was raising my dds - it's so far removed I'm dying inside. My friend came and sat with me on the patio this evening while difficult child packed her things up with her friend. I'm sad, I don't know what else to say. I know that this might be the best thing for all of us, but it still hurts. I feel so all alone - neither of my girls are here. My house is getting bigger by the day, the pool seems so large and we have too many towels. Those all seem like such stupid things to say, but it's what I'm noticing. Her pup is on her bed waiting for her to come home. Tears are streaming down my face and I have a headache. I think I will take a xanax tonight. Thanks for the words of confidence. I appreciate it.
  12. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Aww, Jo, it will be okay. {{{Hugs}}}

  13. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

  14. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    Many hugs.

    As much as it hurts, this could be good for both of you. You had a chance to apologize and it sounds like your daughter actually heard it. It also sounds like she is hurting, too. You've left the lines of communication open and she has options. Let's hope she makes a good choice or two for now.

    Take care. Do something just for you now that you have some time.
  15. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Spoke with her bio dad and he's also very upset. He's going to call her today and ask her to come to his house. I hope she goes. It would be better than crashing on a couch in a virtual stranger's house!

    Thanks for the support~
  16. MrsMcNear46

    MrsMcNear46 New Member


    been there done that-the whole scenario. I threatened alot and one day when things had hit rock bottom with Sweet Betsy- I made the call and they did move into dads. I felt it was the only way to get her away from the losers she was hanging out with. I also did it for my own sanity as I was about to lose it emotionally.

    Follow thru with the plan that she go live with dad. If she chooses not to go, don't let her come back home until she can live by your rules.

    Gentle hugs to you as I know how terribly difficult this it.


    Mrs. McNear
  17. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Well, dad spoke with her and she of course told her the root of her all her problems and feelings stem from her step dad, my H. Total BS and even exh said that it was BS. However, he did say that she's entitled to her feelings about things and if that's how she perceives things, then we can't make her stop. Ha, boy does he have alot to learn about how good she is at pulling chains, because that's what she is doing with him. I KNEW she would pull out the "I hate my stepdad" card with her dad. Haha - very typical.

    I am relieved because she told him she would go down there to be with him and she also threw in there that it's what she's always wanted all along....blah blah blah. BUT, she also said she has to think about when she'd go. Aha - the catch. So exh wants me to call her and find out a day. I said I'd wait to hear from her. In the meantime, I will bag up some more of her clothes, including her jacket since the weather is turning soon.

    I withdrew her from her classes and will only get about 50% refund, so that stinks. I can't believe I wasted my money. Thank God it was only community college. Whew.

    I am going home early from work - I can't take it here. Too stressful.
  18. jbrain

    jbrain Member

    Hi Jo,
    this is so similar to what happened with my difficult child 1 about a year ago when she was 18. She is so much better now, now that she has to take care of herself and I don't help her anymore. I expect that will be the case with your dtr too and she even has her dad to go live with. It'll be okay...things just couldn't go on the way they were--no one was being helped at all. You did all you could. Take care of yourself...
  19. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Poor difficult child. Her stepdad was so mean to her. She has always wanted to be with her daddy.

    AAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! I can totally see this being my difficult child if I were married to boyfriend - which is why I am not rushing it.

    You are going to have to ignore her drama stories. Let it slide right off your back and tell husband to let it go as well. DO NOT take this personally!
  20. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    I know you're right, I do. But it is hard not to take it personally. You all know what I mean when I say..."I had a vision of what our lives would be like and it didn't include this". difficult child-ness aside, or, despite her difficult child-ness, I really cannot beleive that she has it in her head that A) Our home is so awful and B) that she hates her stepdad. I KNOW that she doesn't.

    Apparently, while talking with exh she asked him how he felt about my leaving him and then marrying H. I give exh some credit here because he told her that what's between us is between us. She pushed him and asked if he was mad. He finally said yes, he was mad but that the bigger picture was difficult child and easy child so we all managed to put aside things and get along for their sake. And it was worked. He says he also told her that my H was been a good father to her and that I was the best mother he knew. I don't know about that part about H, but I let it go without comment.

    I just spoke with difficult child - she's going to meet her dad at the ferry tomorrow sometime. I am driving her. I really don't want to but I think there may be a few things that need to be said before she takes off. She's so allergic to his dog, I'm worried about that. And he's leaving to go visit with easy child on Thursday so I guess she will stay with her aunt nearby. I don't even know, but it's better than her loser friend's couch, eh?

    Thanks again. I really appreciate the responses and support - I am dying inside but feeling better.