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UPDATE - In a funk
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<blockquote data-quote="hearts and roses" data-source="post: 85161" data-attributes="member: 2211"><p>Thanks everyone. </p><p></p><p>Last night after some errand running and feeling like the dams may burst at any moment, I finally went home and took a shower, got into some snuggly pjs. I went to lay down with H on the couch and he was not receptive. I went in our room and got under the covers and just started bawling my eyeballs out. H came in and laid down with me and hugged me - didn't ask what was up...urgh. I asked him if he even knew how to comfort someone - I was a little mean, but I needed him to ask me, "How was your day? What happened? Why are you so down?". Finally he did. And I told him in between sobs. I'm worried sick over my mom. I hate that we have to make a decision about her future, whether or not to place her in assisted living, whether or not we can all afford it, whether or not she will be near me or in PA away from all of us except one sister (psycho). It is so painful to see and think about. My mom and I have been super close for about 16 years now and she prefers to be with me over everyone else in the family, I am the youngest of 5 siblings and I fear that I will be the one who has to make an awful decision. Perhaps not alone. So, after talking about mom and then kind of settling down, I realized that I painfully miss my easy child. She's been gone for basically a year now, between college and externing in VA, I feel like she's been gone...none of that day to day seeing her and I know that she isn't ever going to 'live' at home again and it hurts me soooooo much. We're so close and talk on the phone or on line nearly everyday, but I want to see her and her smile and hang out with her. I know I can't do that and I certainly can't hold her back from living her life and pursuing her dreams, but I had to say out loud to someone, poor H, that that is how I feel. Like I lost an extension of myself. And I do miss difficult child, though I have to say not in the same ways. I miss seeing her each day and I miss seeing her go about her life and saying silly things and her friends and just knowing what she's doing...on the other hand, I don't miss it. I want the break, but I want her home. And I know that it's just one of those things I have to deal with. But it pains me. </p><p></p><p>I thought about doing something and making changes in how I live my life. I want to get rid of all my 'country' decor and I need to give my decor a facelift - I want something more contemporary and since my basic decor (furn/drapes, etc) is fairly neutral I should be able to change the rest without too much spending. So, I'm going to. I also thought about what I do. You know, I really and truly enjoy reading and hunting for good books. I do that. I do it more now since I have time. I also enjoy baking and I do that also, though not as much as I would like. I have no one to eat the goodies I bake. H is only one man. I suppose he could take the stuff to work with him and share it there. And I love canning so I think I will find some new things to can and experiment. I mean, I LOVE canning, especially pickling. </p><p></p><p>So, I had a good long gut wrenching cry and I do feel better somewhat. And I am starting my wellbutrin today. And I think this glitch has brought H and I closer. I really enjoyed leaning on him a bit - something I rarely do - and I am going to do it more often. He is not altogether perceptive about when I need him, but I guess I have to be better about asking and letting him know. I think that part of my persona comes with always having to be the strong one in our home and I have to learn how to let some of that go. When difficult child comes home I think I'm going to have to allow H to handle things more with her. He will be a little lost I think, but he'll be fine. </p><p></p><p>So, baby steps - thanks for all the support. I am so grateful to be able to come to a place where there are so many warm and supportive people.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="hearts and roses, post: 85161, member: 2211"] Thanks everyone. Last night after some errand running and feeling like the dams may burst at any moment, I finally went home and took a shower, got into some snuggly pjs. I went to lay down with H on the couch and he was not receptive. I went in our room and got under the covers and just started bawling my eyeballs out. H came in and laid down with me and hugged me - didn't ask what was up...urgh. I asked him if he even knew how to comfort someone - I was a little mean, but I needed him to ask me, "How was your day? What happened? Why are you so down?". Finally he did. And I told him in between sobs. I'm worried sick over my mom. I hate that we have to make a decision about her future, whether or not to place her in assisted living, whether or not we can all afford it, whether or not she will be near me or in PA away from all of us except one sister (psycho). It is so painful to see and think about. My mom and I have been super close for about 16 years now and she prefers to be with me over everyone else in the family, I am the youngest of 5 siblings and I fear that I will be the one who has to make an awful decision. Perhaps not alone. So, after talking about mom and then kind of settling down, I realized that I painfully miss my easy child. She's been gone for basically a year now, between college and externing in VA, I feel like she's been gone...none of that day to day seeing her and I know that she isn't ever going to 'live' at home again and it hurts me soooooo much. We're so close and talk on the phone or on line nearly everyday, but I want to see her and her smile and hang out with her. I know I can't do that and I certainly can't hold her back from living her life and pursuing her dreams, but I had to say out loud to someone, poor H, that that is how I feel. Like I lost an extension of myself. And I do miss difficult child, though I have to say not in the same ways. I miss seeing her each day and I miss seeing her go about her life and saying silly things and her friends and just knowing what she's doing...on the other hand, I don't miss it. I want the break, but I want her home. And I know that it's just one of those things I have to deal with. But it pains me. I thought about doing something and making changes in how I live my life. I want to get rid of all my 'country' decor and I need to give my decor a facelift - I want something more contemporary and since my basic decor (furn/drapes, etc) is fairly neutral I should be able to change the rest without too much spending. So, I'm going to. I also thought about what I do. You know, I really and truly enjoy reading and hunting for good books. I do that. I do it more now since I have time. I also enjoy baking and I do that also, though not as much as I would like. I have no one to eat the goodies I bake. H is only one man. I suppose he could take the stuff to work with him and share it there. And I love canning so I think I will find some new things to can and experiment. I mean, I LOVE canning, especially pickling. So, I had a good long gut wrenching cry and I do feel better somewhat. And I am starting my wellbutrin today. And I think this glitch has brought H and I closer. I really enjoyed leaning on him a bit - something I rarely do - and I am going to do it more often. He is not altogether perceptive about when I need him, but I guess I have to be better about asking and letting him know. I think that part of my persona comes with always having to be the strong one in our home and I have to learn how to let some of that go. When difficult child comes home I think I'm going to have to allow H to handle things more with her. He will be a little lost I think, but he'll be fine. So, baby steps - thanks for all the support. I am so grateful to be able to come to a place where there are so many warm and supportive people. [/QUOTE]
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