Update.... my relationship with difficult child

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by toughlovin, Dec 26, 2013.

  1. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Hi Everyone,

    Well my difficult child is still in the long term program he is in. Thank Goodness for that. He has been there over 2 months now. I am very pleased with the program as it is very strict but also I think very good. They had a holiday party for famlies Monday night which we went to. We brought difficult child some XMAS gifts which he opened, and seemed thrilled just to be opening presents from us. He said it has been years since he did that which is actually true. We got him very practical stuff but he seemed very happy with it.

    In talking with him though he is so hard to read.... doesnt sound happy with the place. It is just kind of hard to communicate with him. So then some friends came to the party (they are trying to get their son into the program and found out about it through another source and so came to the party). So we introduced them to my son and they asked him about it and commented they were hoping to get help fro their son. My son commented, in this positive way, that it is the strictest program in the area but that if you are committed you can do it and it can help!! I was like wow... so i said to my son "are you committed". He said yes I am in it for the long haul!!! I said how come you dont tell us that and he looked at me and said well I have my good days and my bad days!!
    It was just so interesting because he was charming to my friends and to other people and yet our relationship feels so strained!!

    Another resident there, who was visiting with her parents who I have gotten to know at the support group, told me he is doing well and is doing much better than when he first got there!

    So all of that is really good news. And gosh it feels so much better this year to have my son in a program and safe, than to have him on the streets in the winter across the country. I hadnt realized how awful it was last year, until it is so much better this year. I have no idea how I got through the holidays last year!!

    But I am feeling like my relationship with my son is broken and I dont know how to get close to him again... and I really dont think I can. I think he has to want and be willing to be close to us.... but it feels like a huge divide somehow. That is something I am going to have to bring up at the support group.


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  2. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    TL I think it's good to bring that topic up at your support group. It's interesting to hear what he had to say to your friends. It's so hard when you notice a distance between you and all you want to do is hug him and have him be the little boy you once knew. We have a hard time letting go. If he is in this for the long haul and he really wants to stay clean and sober I am sure you will accept him on any terms he wants. All we really want for our kids is that they are healthy and happy, if they want us in their lives that's a bonus. And you are so right, it's a long way from where he was last year in the cold, backpacking.

    He is warm and safe and still there. I say that's a lot to be thankful for and I know you are.
  3. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    Ditto what Nancy said. I try to remember not to look too far ahead and let the non crisis times simply be "enough for now." (Of course, I am terrible at that) He's warm, safe, has resources to heal and you are in a much better place with each other than a year ago. That's all positive news. It's the slowest progress that seems to be the most sustainable.

    Merry Christmas!