update...not good news

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by AliceLee, Apr 29, 2007.

  1. AliceLee

    AliceLee New Member

    Hi all...it's been a while since I posted. A lot has happened, so I'll do my best to be concise.

    difficult child went back to her abusive boyfriend...they left or were evicted from their apartment and rented a townhouse together. Broke up again not even two weeks after moving into the townhouse. A couple of weeks later, he was convicted of some of the abuse-related charges and is now serving a 45-day sentence. In addition, he still has a felony abduction charge hanging over his head.

    difficult child left the townhouse to live with another girl who has a 4 month old baby. We inherited the dog again. Last weekend, difficult child made plans with husband to move all of her stuff out of the townhouse. On moving day, she never called, never showed (she still doesn't have a phone). Her excuse..."I was sleeping."

    On Wednesday, as we are boarding an airplane headed to the Bahamas (we had a GRAND time!!!), difficult child calls husband and says she has to have her stuff out of the apartment by Saturday (yesterday). husband told her he couldn't help, but did advise she call one of her uncles (2 live in town) and see if they could help her out.

    This evening, when we arrive back in town, there is a tearful message saying that she couldn't find anyone to help her and she has to have everything out TODAY. husband bends over backwards once again (against my wishes) and rushes to his shop to get a truck. He even rounds up some friends to help. However, when he got to the shop, one truck was loaded with equipment and he couldn't find the key to the other truck. He called difficult child and told her he was afraid she was out of luck and she ended up throwing a fit and hanging up on him!

    Her dog also killed a goose (we have ponds on our property) and made doggie messes in the house while we were gone.
  2. Loris

    Loris New Member

    Oh my! Sounds like you have your hands full! I'm glad you had a good vacation, it's something to remember when FGF gives you stress. I hope it calms down a little soon.
  3. hearthope

    hearthope New Member

    I know how unnerving it is to witness our children doing the same thing over and over expecting a different outcome than the last.

    Hope you find peace and assurance that you did all you could do, now it is up to her to want a change in her life

    How smart to have a get-a-way with husband! Glad you had a great time
  4. KFld

    KFld New Member

    I'm so glad you got to enjoy your vacation. Wouldn't it be nice though to come home to peace and quiet and not drama?? It's amazing how they get themselves into these situations and then it's everyone elses fault and responsibility to get them out.

    I would try and convince husband to detatch!! Sounds like you already have and he's not listening, so you should detatch the best you can. We all handle things in different ways and he's obviously not ready yet.
  5. jbrain

    jbrain Member

    this sounds so much like something that could happen to us! I am glad though that you went on your vacation and enjoyed it!! Hooray! I also am glad that husband could not help her after all. It does sound like you are ahead of him in the detachment area. I used to be like your husband--would bend over backwards to help in a crisis--must have driven my husband crazy sometimes.

    It does sound like she will just keep doing the same thing over and over til one day maybe she will have a "lightbulb" moment. She can't have that moment if people keep rescuing her. I am in the same situation with my dtr. I haven't heard from her since last week which is nice but I am dreading the "crisis" call which I am sure will come at some point and then I'll have to refuse to help her.

    Take care,
  6. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    it is hard to be either the detached one or the still-trying one. I wonder if our kids will ever be able to manage their own lives? my son will be 25 in June.

    he has moved out so many times. I have had to say no more. I mean it. if he cannot keep an apartment he will have to sleep on the streets. if he cannot take care of his possessions, then he will have none. I have furnished 4 places for him. I never spent much and this time I spent nothing. Then again, I only have so much I can give him to take anymore. I weeded out post and pans dishes and some household stands. his gramma died and he has her couch, chair and two lamps. some guy owed him money and gave him a TV. he has no bed again because when he moved it out, he left it at the last girl's place and will not go get it.

    his dad bought him a brandy new Gateway computer though.

    sometimes I get so tired of it all. I cannot be drawn up in the chaos. hope you guys are able to let go too. I know as parents it seems so unnatural and you feel guilty so you run to the rescue yet once more. my parents helped me get started only once. I was 18 and if I had not taken care of my stuff, I would not be getting more help.

    God be with you both as you struggle thru this. I think it will not end any time soon... unless you choose to end it by backing way off.
  7. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

  8. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    It is so nice to get away but then we have to come home to the same old same old. UG! I think dads most always go soft for the tears of their little girls. Unfortunately the little girl is a woman and should be using her skills to take care of herself not to manipulate others into takeing care of her. hope your husband gets informed soon that going belly p every time his daugher crys for help is not helping. -RM
  9. HereWeGoAgain

    HereWeGoAgain Grandpa

    Glad you got away for a while.

    I admit to having been manipulated by tears of desperation a time or two. I did however eventually learn how to assume the mask of stony indifference. She was still giving a yank to the provider-protector string on the inside but she could no longer see it. The first time she witnessed that the waterworks were not invoking the usual softening, boy did her nasty side come out in a hurry. That made it much easier to stifle the sympathy pangs.

    Since then there have been far fewer recurrences so I guess we both learned something. She still floats the routine now and then to see if it has regained any potency, but I am much tougher-skinned these days.
  10. ScentofCedar

    ScentofCedar New Member

    Well, the thing is that we are all decent people.

    Our difficult child children do things that are not decent.

    I think these things happen to us (the emergency move, the hanging up, the dog vomit in the house) because we literally do not have a clue how to respond to someone who behaves the way our difficult children routinely do.

    There was a time when the craziest things were happening at my house one morning and though we had already eaten (we had company at the time) I MADE BREAKFAST FOR difficult child AND SOMEONE I KNOW I WOULD NEVER HAVE COME INTO CONTACT WITH IN A MILLION YEARS ON MY OWN ~ LET ALONE HAVE HOSTED IN MY HOME.

    Mostly, when someone asks for help, we help them. Mostly, we are not the kind of people who expect help from others without repaying at least as much as we have taken.

    difficult children are very strange; it is very difficult to deal with one on a regular basis and maintain a sense of efficacy or self esteem.


    I am glad you went to the Bahamas! Good for you. I would never go with husband when there were problems with the kids.

    I wish now that I had, because my being there never changed anything even one iota.
  11. AliceLee

    AliceLee New Member

    Hi everybody, thank you so much for your support! husband ended up helping her move most of her stuff yesterday and is going back tonight to get the rest. (Guess the deadline wasn't as urgent as she made out...a favorite manipulation tactic of hers)! I am glad she's not just leaving everything there...that would not be a good sign. At least she cares enough to want her things.

    It really is hard when you're not in agreement with your spouse. I have learned not to be too hard on husband, though. I know we are just at different stages in dealing with her. I have given him some of the Families Anonymous literature to read, so maybe some of it will sink in. He doesn't want to go to the meetings with me...I'm not pushing it...he is someone else I can't control!

    I am convinced that difficult child has borderline personality disorder. I know I'm not qualified to diagnose, but she has 7-8 of the 9 traits. I've recently read two books on the illness. An author of one of the books teaches/practices psychiatry at the medical college in my town! I was able to speak with him on the phone and he encouraged me to try to get her to agree to come in for an evaluation...he runs a clinic that specializes in Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). I have spoken with her about it, but so far, no luck (but she did NOT get defensive or abusive, which is a change...so maybe she's considering it). Wish I'd known about this when she was 15...

    I'm rambling...sorry. The point I'm trying to make is that I am trying not to take everything she does and says so personally. I do believe she has an illness, and often can't control her inappropriate behavior. It is a fine line---where do we stop making allowances for mental illness and draw the boundaries?

    Barbara, I struggled with going away, too. I projected all kinds of things that could happen to difficult child while I was gone. But I realized that I have no control over what does or doesn't happen to her, whether I'm home or away! All in all, I did have a great time, and only spent a very small portion of it worrying about difficult child.

  12. AliceLee

    AliceLee New Member

    ant's mom---thanks for that link. I think I'd read it once before and it really did help! I will definitely print it off and share it with husband.
  13. KFld

    KFld New Member

    <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: AliceLee</div><div class="ubbcode-body">
    It really is hard when you're not in agreement with your spouse. I have learned not to be too hard on husband, though. I know we are just at different stages in dealing with her. I have given him some of the Families Anonymous literature to read, so maybe some of it will sink in. He doesn't want to go to the meetings with me...I'm not pushing it...he is someone else I can't control!


    That is one of the most important things that my husband and I learned in alanon and through our counseling sessions. We all have a right to our feelings and we don't have any right to try and change someone elses feelings or beliefs. In the end it makes it a little easier to get on the same page, once you start respecting how each other feels, you can begin to come to some sort of middle ground.
  14. amstrong

    amstrong New Member

    Not being on same page with husband is a struggle we face at our house. After difficult child's last blow up, husband and I sat down and had a heart to heart and we both laid all feelings on the table. it opened both our eyes and we left that little session a lot closer. Neither one of us realized that some of the things we were both doing was hurting the other and all for the sake of difficult child!

    Things, I think, will be different in the future for us both. When difficult child decided he wanted to move back in, we allowed hisinput on developing the house rules and this, i think, will help as well.