Update of sorts

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Esri, Aug 12, 2014.

  1. Esri

    Esri Member

    My daughter has been living with a friend and her family since the beginning of June. She graduated HS and turned 18 the same week. The next week she left.

    We had very little contact at first and now there is none. I found out she is smoking pot, possibly more and probably drinking. She lost one of her jobs because her alarm didn't go off. No call to her employer. She was missing days and coming in late too. They finally let her go. This was pt summer job a few days a week.

    She also has a ft job, I'm afraid she may be in jeopardy of loosing. Especially if they drug test. Which I would think they would considering the field. Not my problem right?

    I went to where she is staying this weekend to try to talk. She wasn't answering my calls or texts. I knocked and she would not even come to the door. A family member came home and sent her out.

    She was the rudest little brat to me.
    I tried talking and all I got was 'I don't know' 'just want to have a fun summer' total attitude. She stood there looking at me with pure hatred shrugging her shoulders.

    Who the hell is this girl?? My daughter??? How?

    I just said I'll give you what you want and I walked away. She called me back because she thought I was crying. I wasn't. Then I just left. ThAt was it.

    I can't believe this is happening.

    I'm all for her to have her independence but shutting your family out for no reason? Bullshit. Being an :censored2: for no reason.

    She's wasting all her graduation money. No plans for school this fall although she was planning to go earlier this year.

    People say, She's finding herself. What?? By treating her family like dirt?

    I'm so angry, sad, depressed, hurt. I literally feel broken. You name it.

    I fear this will continue to get worse before it gets better.

    I know I need to live my life and be there for my other child and husband but it's so hard with this going on. My husband told me not to go there. He said what did you expect?

    I will not contact her again. I'm done trying. I'm done. I have to be. I need to detach. I say this over and over in my head trying to fall asleep at night. Detach detach detach.

    Then why is it so hard?



    ME
    42
    husband 40
    DD1 18
    DD2 9

    My oldest moved out a week after turning 18. I'm really struggling. Looking for advice.
     
  2. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    Esri, I remember your first post and how upset you are and have been that she has left like she did.

    I know it is very hurtful.

    Right now, she is truly not somebody you want living in your house. I am thankful that the behavior you describe seeing today is not full time in your face.

    If this is true, she may be on a slippery slope.

    That will happen if she continues to use and is high at work.

    That isn't a good sign. yes, "finding herself." Interesting.

    It could, Esri, and it may not. She is 18---that is very young and very immature for most. Right now, it sounds like she is not going down a good path. She can straighten up---things haven't gone too far yet---or she can continue.

    I would imagine she will not be welcome where she is staying if things continue on this path. That would be a sign as well, but it sounds like she is still welcome there right now.

    Because we have to LEARN how to do it. It does not come naturally. Please read CoDependent No More, as a first step. It is a great book.

    Esri, your daughter may be heading to a place where many of our difficult children have been, and she may not be. One thing is true: Nothing you do, say or don't do or say is going to stop it, hasten it, shorten it, or save her.

    She is an adult (at least chronologically, in terms of her age, if not her maturity) and it would be very good for you if you can find a way to stand back and stand down. Let some time go by.

    Set a goal of contacting her once a week via text or phone call or meet for lunch. Be nice, sweet, pleasant and talk about whatever---the weather, the news, how you and your family are doing. Keep it short. Keep it simple.

    Just let things roll, and see what happens. if she is on a bad path, you'll know soon enough (believe me). If not, you'll know soon enough.

    I know it hurts badly. I hope right now you are more mad than sad. Mad is a more empowering emotion. If it gives way to sad, just know that your sadness will pass. Keep doing the next right thing in front of you, and this too shall pass.

    Warm hugs. We are here for you.
     
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  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Esri...as painful as it is, let her go for now. It may escalate and it may not, but you have no control over it. Esri, we adopted a child at age six from another country and he was our golden boy, always doing everything right, incredibly brilliant, handsome and personable. Esri, after he met a particular overly religious woman (I don't know any Christian who believes the way they do...not even the Amish), he cut off his entire family and acts now like he is better than us and that we abused him. It came out of nowhere. I have two grandchildren, legally at least, I will never see. It took me two years to work this out and not cry when I heard his name.

    I am not saying your daughter will do the same thing. I am saying that no matter how hard you try, you can't change her mindset right now. Why she is doing it doesn't really matter. It is not something you can fix. I found out, way too late, that my attempts to reach out just alienated my son further and guaranteed he'd never come back. He found fault with all my correspondence and even scanned all my letters to him into his computer to remind him of...what? We had a good relaqtionship too and then this happened. Sadly, this DOES happen and it either works it's way out or not. I am guessing your daughter is doing things you would be very angry or upset about and doesn't want to deal with your over-interest in her or have to think about how you'd react if you found out. She may be d oing things way beyond pot and other things too that you can't imagine she would ever do. Or she may just want distance and does not feel the need to share why. Maybe you always told her your two cents and she is done with that. Maybe you always tell her your two cents and right now it makes her feel guilty. Whatever t he reason, this is not something you can force.

    Family is really no different than any relationship, except often it brings up very strong emotions in us. Some people, just like their acquaintances, are have tight families. Some have dysfunctional families...good one day, bad the next. Some are enmeshed...too much in each other's business, which often causes one of the enmeshed to bail out and say "enough." Some are truly happy with their family members (my feeling is this is the extreme minority). I detached from my sister and don't miss her anymore. I feel I had a very good reason not to keep her in my life and she is my own DNA. I don't put much faith in DNA because there is no guarantee that it will make anyone get along well.

    If you are not in therapy, I highly recommend it. That's where I got the courage to go on with my life and let my son do what he wants to do. I may never hear from him again, and that's ok now. I'm used to it and, yes, even comfortable with it. I can't control it. I have other loved ones who want me in their lives so I focus on that. You must have other loved ones too who need you and want you to be the best YOU you can be. Friends count as people who love you, if they do.

    I am really sorry she is doing this, bu t I have heard of it happening a lot more than I ever dreamed since being on this site. It is not that rare. Also, now that I'm mindful about this issue, I am not longer surprised when people tell me they haven't seen theilr twin brother in twelve years (this is true and not hypothetical) or that they were disowned by Auntie Judy or that cousin Pat is spreading nasty rumors about them or that Johnny left his family because he could.

    Please do get therapy. And get a therapist who will focus on YOU, not on your daughter. You can't change her. She will do her life walk her own way and you need to start your walk in a new direction that focuses on YOU, because YOU are an important person who does not deserve to be treated like junk. You can have good times even with your daughter acting this way, but you have to do the hard work we all did to learn to detach.

    Hugs for your hurting mommy heart.

    PS--Her graduation money is hers to waste. It was a gift. Hereafter, maybe cut off the money train.
     
  4. Esri

    Esri Member

    I called today to set up therapy. My work offers an employees assistance program so I can get 8 sessions at no cost. I will call tomorrow to make an appointment.

    Today I came home to find cash on the kitchen counter. If was from my daughter for her car payment and phone payment. Since she's moved out, we don't give her any money.
    We helped her get a new car for her graduation but she makes the payments. Another regret, she doesn't deserve it.

    Anyway, she left a note by the money. Love and miss you all.
    You would think that would make me happy but it only made me mad. How bipolar. After the way she treated me just a few days prior.

    I'm also going to look into that book. Thanks for the request.

    I do have support from family and friends, I need to focus on that and the people that love me.

    Thank you for all your help.


    ME
    42
    husband 40
    DD1 18
    DD2 9

    My oldest moved out a week after turning 18. I'm really struggling. Looking for advice.
     
  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I think that's positive (the note). She is telling you she does love you, she just needs space. Is it possible that you two were so intertwined that she just felt she HAD to leave or be smothered? That isn't uncommon and it doesn't mean she hates you. I admit her behavior then the letter seem to contradict one another, but she IS only eighteen and she may have felt guilty. That she feels guilty is a GREAT sign. Many difficult children have no remorse no matter who they hurt or how much and THAT is big trouble for their long term lives. It appears that your daughter has a conscience.

    Let her go through this. She needs to. Enjoy her letter. Don't stew over it. And enjoy your own life now. There are times, often when our kids turn eighteen and move out for any number of reasons, when we need to take a new turn in our lives. This has happened to me whenever a grown child moves out. My very youngest moved out last week and it was not as hard as I expected. I had been planning this for a year so I knew it was coming and had some activities in place and some life changes. You can do that too. Your daughter is not going to be around as much as she was, even when she is ready to have a relationship with you again. When they turn eighteen and leave, our relationship with them changes.
     
  6. nlj

    nlj Well-Known Member

    Thinking of you Esri.
    x
     
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