UPDATE:Oh for the love of God, my stomach was not made for having children

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by SomewhereOutThere, Aug 3, 2015.

  1. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I know my sister is reading this forum so I have been mum for the most part on what is going on with my kids (my sister doesn't like me) but this time I'm so nervous I am going to post and if she sees it, I don't care.

    Bart, as most of you know, has anxiety disorder and with it the tendency to be unable to handle stress without freaking out. Tonight he received a text message from a school district he had never heard of welcoming his child to his new school. Now Bart has 50% custody over all decisions his ex makes over Junior. Junior likes the school he is at and doesn't want to move plus ex is moving him deliberately to a very far away inconvenient school district as she moves from one house to another in her everlasting quest to make Bart give up his 50% time with Junior. According to the parenting plan, she can't move him to another school district without getting the ok from Bart. But the parenting plan, signed by her in court, never stopped her from following it.

    Of course this text came at night so he can't call his lawyer. His lawyer was going to order a restraining order keeping Junior at his school, but Bart is afraid it's too late if she already transferred him. For an hour I've been hearing, "But what if there is nothing he can do? What if it's too late? This is what I was afraid of, that she'd move without notifying me." And I thought she may too, although she has been court ordered to notify him. Since the divorce she has not followed the rules. This time she defied but the court, but he seems to think she is all powerful and that nothing can be done.

    Ok, so I didn't have to listen, but he was so nervous I listened and now I'm a wreck too. I don't want her to do these things to my precious grandson and Bart's nervousness feeds my own anxiety disorder.

    This is one night I wonder what made me think I could be a mother. I worry too much about them. He is my adult child who wraps me in his troubles and makes me sick with worry. My other kids handle their own problems...sometimes Princess will call me, but rarely, not for that sort of thing. Jumper keeps things to herself. Sonic gets nervous fast and gets over it fast and never seems to have any monster issues. He is easily soothed.

    Maybe the real issue is parenting a very high strung young man who expects me to still calm him down and I don't know how. It's not like I KNOW what his attorney can do.

    Ok, so now I am going to watch a nice movie with husband and wait until tomorrow.; I can't believe that after the horrible custody battle and the emotion going through that that the nightmare is starting again.

    I am mostly worried because of Junior.

    I sosmetimes feel guilty that I had a biological child. I was more aware than most are that I could pass along this anxiety disorder. I just hoped I wouldn't. But I did. The other kids handle anxiety much better.
  2. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Even adult kids sometimes need their moms. Jabber called his to talk about the issues with our son when they started! It's not wrong that he calls and it's not wrong that you're worried. You love him! And if you were a bad mother, he would not call you. He loves you too.

    As for the issues, well, I sent you a p.m., but on here I will say that nothing is too late. Heck I lost a custody case once where we filed to allow our client to move out of state...she moved before the court date. She ended up losing custody. That judge was ticked off! That was a long time ago, but I assure you, violating a court order does not make the judge sympathetic.

    Bart needs to trust his lawyer and you both need to know that in custody cases, there is no such thing as too late.
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  3. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    There are times when what we must do is not tear into ourselves because we don't know, because we can't fix it or take away the pain. The end result is unknowable. What is known is: Knowing someone we love believes in us, has our back and is on our side makes all the difference.

    You listen.

    You love him and wish him well and are on Bart's side.

    You have been the best mother there could be and have done every smallest thing the best mother does.

    Rest in that, Serenity.

    What more there is will come.

    I think you have done very well.

    If there were anything more you could do, you would. And Bart knows that with his whole heart.

    We have been discussing betrayal of self on another thread. This is a time for you to rest in what you know. You loved and you listened and you are there for him.

    You did not betray him. Now, you have an opportunity to learn how to hold faith with yourself.


    We called D H mom about something my mom did to us, once. Speaking with her did not change the event.

    Knowing she loved us ~ D H without question and me, by extension ~ that changed everything about how we saw ourselves going through it.

    That is what you do, for Bart.

    I really liked Lil's response.

  4. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    I find it interesting that he received the text from the new school. How did they get his number? She must have given it them but why? Is she trying to throw it in his face that she's transferring Junior or is she just careless and didn't realize what she was doing?

    Nothing like having this kind of confirmation coming from a lawyer :)

    Hang in there SWOT. I'm sending positive vibes your way.
  5. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    SWOT, I am sorry I am coming to this late. I have to go to the doctor in a minute but I want to write this.

    I agree with everybody else.
    I believe in the law.
    Bart has a great attorney.
    I do not think she is powerful. She is stupid.
    She was sloppy. She filled out the paper and put contact info for Dad. She did not know that Bart would be contacted.
    You did great with Bart.
    He needs his Mom. You came through.
    We will all handle this. You are handling it.
    Please, please let us know as soon as you have information.
    By now Bart has contacted his attorney.
    What did his attorney say?
    I bet he is enraged.

    You said it on another thread. No matter what happens the bottom line is that Bart will be with his son. Nothing, ever will change that. Can change it. He is who he is because of you. You taught him that. He is channeling you. Your commitment and your strength and your love.
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  6. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    SWOT, hang in there. You know only too well how to back off and disengage after you react. You remind me all the time how to do that, and last night, you went and watched your movie, after you processed (with us) what happened. That is what we're here for. You did good.

    I'm sorry people have to act like Bart's child's mother. It seems that lately, I'm saying an awful lot: What ARE people thinking? (must be getting old or something...lol).

    Bart will handle this and do what he can, and I hope one day soon she is reined in and made to do the right thing by the authorities.

    Hope you are feeling better today. Warm hugs.
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  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Kill me now.

    Ok, so Bart's lawyer sent out I don't know how many orders against his ex, emergency orders restraining her from moving Junior to any school, and the judge rubber stamped the order and ordered her to court tomorrow for the temporary restraining order. There's another order for next week too and ex must finally be shaking in her boots.

    And the lawyer? Boy, did he do a good and truthful job of stating the case, including all the different times ex didnt follow up on court orders regarding her move, explaining that they have joint custody and she can't make unilateral decisions, and calling ex on the phone to make sure she knows about the hearing. She still has no counsel. I thought, "Oh, good. That's done. The lawyer will take care of it and Bart must be calm now."

    The phone rang and it was Bart. Although he was obviously relieved, he actually found something to worry about. It goes like this.

    His regular judge is out of town so he won't be at the hearing tomorrow. Another court hearing (not sure why) was also ordered Monday, and he will be back then, but for tomorrow's emergency hearing, there is a young female judge presiding over the case (not sure if that is correct terminology). He looked her up (just the thing to make one nervous) and found that she only graduated 2005 and is already a judge. So he is afraid she will disregard the entire great case he has, not care that ex violated every rule in the book and kicked the court in the face too, and may rule for his ex. After all, she is young, is unfamiliar with ex's cunning ways, and she belongs to the Woman's Bar. She might be a man hater!!!!!! Like she'd risk her entire career as a judge to rule for a woman. I tried to tell him the unlikelihood of that. Hope it worked. Then Sonic called and I had to switch calls and when I came back he'd hung up. I needed the break.

    I thought I was the biggest worrier in the world when I was his age. I'm not. He is worse.

    Ex has a reputation in this courtroom now of trying to remove this child from his father's custody with no cause and she lost the first time. She is spinning her wheels now and has no chance. Heck, she ALWAYS defies reason. Bart looked up his ex's court cases. She has a few. One was a car dealer suing her for something. When she was served, there is a notice in all caps on the court records online (again my termonlogy may be wrong) that says: REFUSED TO OPEN THE DOOR.

    Ex is nothing, if not sure she can do whatever she wants and get away with it and since Bart is such a worrier, she has him convinced too. He kept saying this morning, "What if she doesn't answer the door? What if she can't be served?"

    (insert scream here)

    I do not catastrophize this way anymore, but I remember when I did. This will be Bart's third night of no sleep because he is afraid that this different judge will rule against him, although his ex has no case and has defied the courts.

    I'm glad his girlfriend is coming over. Maybe she can say something to calm him down that I'm not thinking of. In the meantime, I am not sure, of course, that he will win, but I think so. Ex is ordered to not put him in new school and to drive him to and from his school when he is in her custody (driving time over an hour for her) and the judge signed off on "To not do so is putting the minor child in imminent danger." Ex made a big mistake trying to move Junior so far from Bart. He will never give up his 50% custody and now she will have to drive Junior to his old school, far away from her, just because she again tried to take Junior away from Bart.

    I think his ex is antisocial...hehe. No, I can't diagnose her. All I can say is, who in the world has the guts to not answer the door when a police man or lady is standing there? Aren't most people afraid of doing that? How can you not respond to orders from court. Aren't most people afraid they'll be arrested?

    Can't relate to her at all. Heck, I get a traffic ticket and I want to get rid of it right away and pay it. Anyway...last thoughts...

    Junior is going to be a mess. I so wish I could be there to play with him and do our pillow fights and squirt wter at each other and hug and distract him from all this. Although he doesn't know about court, he can tell when something is happening. He's the kind of kid who just *knows.*

    About it. I'm taking a hot shower and watching a good funny movie with the hub.
    Last edited: Aug 5, 2015
  8. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Is the above not fallback protection, SWOT?

    I go back to my original position: I trust the lawyer. I trust the law.

    No matter what happens the attorney will have an answer. I trust him. But this is anxiety provoking.
  9. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I think so, Copa. Because this is a fill-in judge, if she just happens to screw it up, the regular judge will be back on Monday and he was the one who ordered this.

    School at the new one she enrolled him in starts in three days so it's urgent to do something right away.

    I trust this lawyer A LOT. He is REALLY good. His first lawyer seemed to be less respected by other lawyers and the judge...both treated her rather shabbily. But this lawyer was chosen by ex's old lawyer (she had counsel last time) to do HIS divorce. He's been in family law for forty years and has a bunch of high ratings from clients on his site.

    I doubt if all of them were his mother ;)

    It's anxiety provoking, but part of that is Bart's anxiety feeding mine. I have always had high anxiety and panic attacks. I have learned to act calm for the kiddos, but I'm not calm inside all the time. And this is one of my beloved grands...

    Thanks for caring enough to post.
  10. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    I'm sure the lawyer will be able to handle the "temp" judge. I know it's easy to just say, relax, trust the lawyer but I know how unnerving this must be for you. It's good that you can vent here and get it out.
    I'm praying all will go well and that the best interest of Junior is what will be considered by the judge.

  11. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

  12. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Refusing service IS service. You can't refuse to open the door and get out of it that way. I guarantee, the process server noted it that way because it is her refusal that IS proof of service. If someone is there and refuses to open the door, they can just leave the papers stuck in the door and report that.
  13. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    SWOT, does junior want full time custody of Junior? If he does, wouldn't now to be the time to assert it?

    This ex is not going to stop. This is her make-up.
  14. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    I am sorry, SWOT, but this is ridiculous.

    Nobody would ever have children, if they had to worry about their gene pool. Nobody's is completely pristine. Look at every famous person that you can think about. The Kennedys, The Clintons, The Bushes. I am only able to think about political dynasties because I am tired.

    In each of these families there is either mental illness, addiction, or mental retardation, or a combination.

    By your logic my parents should not have had children, either. While I am not perfect (like everybody else) I think I am perfectly fine.

    Bart is human. Not a robot. To be human is to be human. Get over it .
  15. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    You're right, Copa. But that's why I did not have any more biological kids and I think my family is great :)