update on controlling the teenager........

[Jena]

hi to all

figured i'd write this on a new thread. i read all of your responses and appreciate them all. I'm not going to beat her, repeat i'm not going to beat her. yet i see your point, their hard to deal with and it's hard to handle an almost 15 year old who is pushing limits beyond every time she's with me.

today:

she pushed and pushed verbally attacked me. we were starting a new routine with homework and i happened to be home today office was closed. i said here ;s the new deal when you are disrespectful to me in any way you wil be removed, you will be placed in your room far away. when you can get a hold of your emotions and handle yourself with some respect then you will be released.

she had to be told to leave the kitchen 5 times thats right 5 times today. she wouldnt' give in, and all i wanted was for her to do her homework and to be respectful. she stood there in my face telling me how i have no clue what i;m doing what a looser mom i am, how for fourteen years ive screwed up with her and now i think that a social worker is going to help me figure out how to deal with her, she insulted where we lived, she pushed and pushed.

what did i do. repeat the same thing calmly and from a distance which was when you can be respectful to me is when i will release you back out of your room. if you can come down and work on your homework and id' be happy to help in anyway then please by all means come down.

amount of hours it took to get her to break to do her homework and to not verbally attack me two and a half hours. yes it can be done, i know this nor is it the first time this has occured with her.

i do have a very sick sense of humor it is hard to understand via the web........i understand taht yet i would never beat her. i may want to, i may have to control myself, yet when push comes to shove i will not beat her i never have.

so yes would i benefit from continuing to go to the pyschiatrist i've been seeing yes very much so yet i can continue dealing obviously without immediate medications'. have i taken drugs no i have not. i think that someone misunderstood. i have xanax that i have yet to take.

i am in control. i may be having a very hard time and figuring out me at the same time i'm dealing with two very troublesome difficult child's but i'm not the beat the kid kinda mom.

so i'm sorry if i scared anyone with my very twisted sense of humor.

i do appreciate as always everyone's input. it was after reading yesterday's responses i knew how to move forward with her.

jenn

 

[daralex]

It's so very hard to know what to do without a rule book! I also have a very sick sense of humor - you have to hang on to something that works!!! f____ them and feed 'em worms - again I've been down south for too long - no offense to anyone! I'm just used to a different set of rules than I have experienced down here. Jen, I 've been following your posts and know how much you must have on your plate at the moment - each step is a good one - keep on plugging away - at some point it will al come together - or at least that's what I tell myself. you're OK I'm OK - isn't that what they say! Keep at the good work your doing! Keep us posted! It's a hard road to hoe (again - down south - no explanataion needed!) keep at it girlfriend - you win - they win! All's good!
-dara

 

[busywend]

Jennifer, I have so been there done that! Mine was 13 at the time. We had some battles. The straw was her coming after me with a hammer - just making the motion as if she were going to hit me, although she did not get close enough to actually make contact.

Anyway, I think you are right to have her go to her room for some calming moments. Be sure you let her know you are trying to help her be more self aware. Part of being independent and being an adult is being self aware, blah, blah, helps with driving, blah,blah, etc. You get the point - make her feel like you are helping her with her independence. That is what she wants, right?

Turn it around to be all for her...that is all they care about at this age anyway....themselves....
Nothing is about you. Do not take it personally.

Just a couple survival tips from a mom of a teen.

 

[Star*]

Jen,

If I had a nickel for every time I heard my son utter those famous teen-tween lines about how miserable I made him, his life, his dog, the air he breathes, the sun, the moon, the stars are all outta whack because I just dont get it?

I could be having quite a nice vacation somewhere without my kid. And I would go in a minute.

I've been though counseling and honestly? I dont' know how any one can parent a kid like ours without a support system of some type. Don't worry about the medications. If you aren't comfortable taking them - then don't. If you can deal with your situation unmedicated - then more power to ya sister! When difficult child was at his worst I did take some anti-depressants. I made sure I got the kind that were not addicting, except Paxil - no one told me if you got poor quick you couldn't quit without them - I thought I was going to die. But I made it.

I think sometimes we all forget how hard living in a blended family can be. There are just no easy answers to dealing with young difficult child's in the same house as older teens and tweens, and his ex wife, him - your job, stress of money, bills everyday things.

It has always (don't know the exact word i'm looking for) amazed me about women who have a loving, devoted husband, two very well dressed kids, who go to the best schools, they live in a 20 room house, both drive the car of the year and have friends, family and resources at the ready - yet they appear gossipy and miserable. Astounding is more like it. Then I think - well there I am with MY situation - i have a loving devoted fiance, my kid is dressed okay, he goes to GED classes 2 days a week, I live in a 12 room home, I drive the car of 1990, have my friends here, and family 600 miles away. - I think I'm luckier than they are, but i still get miserable about my situation. I get miserable because it's my life and I can get down if I want.

I try to remain positive. If for no other reason that so my kid sees me and how I handle the situation because I know he will at some point imitate me. He'll imitate my actions, he's already imitating my sense of humor. (oh that's scary huh?), and while they mature and develop their own little personalities - I have found there is give and take in every year of his life. When he was 9 - I would have put him on a boat to Indonesia, and not thought about a thing. At 17 he's more polite with his mouth and outloud thinking, but he's still LARGELY a difficult child. I think Fran says all the time " This too shall pass." and so I wait.

In the mean time? I have tried to educate myself any and every where that I could. By coming here, by reading books or borrowing tapes, by watching parenting videos on conflict resolution and by doing a home study type deal on something called Effective Communication. I think you can down load it from the web. It is like a guide to teach you how to talk to your children. Not talk down to them, not just talk at them and solve little - but it's like the secret code of talking to all people.

And the other thing I think that we all forget at times is that you can't change a behavior in a week, a month or a year. You can't change it with medication, you can't even change it with therapy - but combine all the resources you have, place them in front of yourself and your kids - and you may end up in 10 years or so with a child who has a chance to succeed at a semi-normal life. I set my sons goal on 15 years when he was about 7 = so I am literally hoping that by the time he's 23 - We'll see some major improvements to the point where he can live on his own and get by on his own.

Keep going to therapy - it's the best gift you can give your kids (to be well) , and don't worry about the humor. I think everyone I know is a little twisted. You do what you have to to get through each day one minute at a time. I think what you did last night for your daughter was phenominal. You did not allow her to control you or the situation. And these kids very much like to win. Even today my son will say "Well you won that argument didn't you?" and there was never an argument - I'm the parent, I set the rules, you were up at 10:35 and bedtime is 10:30 - so check my rules and consequences list - and now you loose 1 hr of your tv time tomorrow. AND you still go to bed, because if you are 15 minutes late - there will be 2 hours of tv time gone and no skating on saturday.

We've been through months were difficult child thought "Well I'll show them" and we didn't go anywhere.....and neither did he. Then we got to the point where his consequences were keeping us from having a life - so we got a sitter and went out and had a little time for us.

Keep up the good work = with redirects, and standing your ground and NEVER EVER let em see you sweat or get angry - I tell myself every time - that is EXACTLY what he wants. And when he doesnt' get me all twisted - he goes higher and higher until I finally just look and say "Oh that's a consequence." and walk away.

Hope you're having a better day today.

Hugs
Star

 

[Jena]

hi

thank you. and today went alot better with-her she already finished homework with-both of our help. he ws off today. i didn't go to office today, the whole round peg square whole thing susie told me about........lol......i went locally filled out applications, didn't get any no's at all actually. which was very cool. i bought a lab top to do the one legal file i got to do work on. don't really know how to do it but he helped me download the probate forms did it once a while ago. i'm sure it'll come back.

anyway so much calmer today already. i'm not saying i don't need some drugs at this point. i may need a mood stabilizer alot of stuff's going on. it's kinda scrarey actually his rest. is in alot of trouble and he may have to close it up. so it seems as though we are all in transformation form around here.

sounds like me i drive a 95 truck that i love, kids are dressed ummm ok for the most part older one gets most expensive clothes hollister and that sort of stuff. little difficult child and i like target........lol

ok now hte next round of kids are going to be coming in, we have 5 tonight. lots of homework............and it's taco night..yea us.

we bought fish to eat later alone if kids give us a minute to breath..

i'll write more later. didn't even look at other posts just jumped on quick....

 

[Jena]

and tonight she hugged me...........progress

 

[Star*]

Savor the moments like "I got a hug" they are few and far between and for a lot of us - I think it is like a long burning fuel that keeps us going to help us out when they are at their very worst.

Glad you're making some progress.

 

[meowbunny]

Glad things were better last night.

I do feel I have to say a couple of things. Whether you want to admit it or not, throwing water in someone's face is very much a violent act and does cross into abuse when done to a child. It is one thing if you had been in control and done it for a reason, but you weren't. You were angry and frustrated and the water was handy.

The other is that you can't "control" another human. You can try to control yourself and your behavior, you can try to guide another, you can even force another person, but you cannot control them. Sooner or later, you will either destroy the other person (think of abused women who stay in a relationship until they are ultimately beaten to death) or the other person will run from you (either physically or emotionally).

You may not mean what you are saying or you may not understand what you are saying, but the actions you are exhibiting are dangerous. Your emotions are up and down the scale on a daily basis, sometimes even hourly. You have so many stressors in your life it is a miracle you are functioning at all. It's been said but I'll say it again anyway, you need help. From the sound of it, you are barely functioning in any aspect of your life. You need to get some therapy and probably on some medications for now.

 

[Jena]

hi

i appreciate your words and concern. i didn't throw it in her face i tossed it her way. stil not right yet i remember as a child many years ago when a child was disrespectful alot of our parents or at least many i know would get smacked on bottom with-o a thought given. our society our times is quite different.

i have had alot of stress i am in therapy yet will not use drugs right now i have my difficult child's upcoming evaluation right now i need an absolutely clear head to handle that.

i've been going to gym and quitting my job and getting local work. i have spent countless hours with-both children assisting in homework.

i think with all beign said i'm holding my own right now.

 

[Jena]

rome wasn't buillt in a day......lol it's going to take time, lots of time consistency love understanding and a whole lotta patience.........

thanks!

 

[meowbunny]

Personally, I don't think a swat on the rear is all that bad of an idea at times. The rule has to be that it is controlled, not done out of anger or frustration. We all blow it. I grounded my daughter for almost all of her teen life for one incident and the escalation caused by her mouth. I made her write "I will not steal" over 1,000 times. Both were insurmountable for her. Both were done out of anger and frustration by me. I had to back down and find a new way to parent. So, I'm not judging and I do understand but you also need to understand that there is a huge difference with swatting a child on the rear (or even using a switch on them) when it is because you feel it will teach your child something or losing control. When you tossed the water, whether in her direction or in her face or whatever, you lost control. As hard as it is, as difficult as she may be, it is up to you to be the adult and take responsibility for your actions.

What would happen if you were to try some medications now and if they didn't leave you thinking clearly, get off of them before your daughter's evaluation? Is that a possible option? I rarely suggest anyone take medications -- it is a personal decision each of us must make. However, I'm truly concerned you are pushing yourself too hard. The last thing you need to do is break before the evaluation. Even taking out the commute, you now have new stressors in your SO's possible loss of a job/restaurant. Please take care of yourself, do what you can to help yourself. The healthier, stronger you are, the better you can help your children.

 

[flutterbee]

Jennifer -

You have a lot on your plate and your posts read like you're burning the candle at both ends. It's bound to take a toll. Thing is, our kids pick up on that and it affects them, too, even when we think we are controlling it or hiding it. Especially a kid with high anxiety. been there done that.

You keep using the term 'drugs' like you'll be out of your mind. What 'drugs' are you thinking about? Cause I can't figure out what drugs would do that. Xanax might make you a little loopy if you aren't used to it, but most psychiatrists treat long term anxiety with an SSRI antidepressant and only rx something like xanax as a PRN medication. If you're bipolar, they use a mood stabililzer. Again, not something that's going to put you 'out of your mind.'

The right medications won't have you out of your mind. If they have you out of your mind, you're on the wrong medications. The right medications can bring you back to your right frame of mind.

medications are not for everyone, but they certainly have their place.

 

[Jena]

hi..........

i read your responses, and as always appreciate the time you both gave in choosing your words carefully. i do not have a problem with the word "drugs" at all. Yet to be quite honest with you both at this particular point the pyschiatrist i am seeing does not feel that i need them at this very moment until we can get to the root of the problem. he has openly stated that using the xanax is fine. i had used it last year a little bit helped tremendously.

i am burning the candle at both ends like all of us do. Welcome to parenting 101, we all burn out especially with the demands of children with whom require extra care. i am only doing what all of us are im trying to get to work, dealing with two difficult child's, and the rest of life his rest. etc. we can't choose what comes at us and i'm not the type of duck out.

i am caring for me very much now i've hit the gym few times taken time out's for myself, i'm even taking day off tmrw for doctor i think i have pnuemonnia all the kids were sick and i haven't kept two previous doctor appts. it happens.

anyhow so now that i've addressed the "drug" word.....lol alot can be misunderstood when spoken in an open forum via the internet like this. Body language is. a large percentage of our communication in this world of ours.

I do not feel that i am being judged, i'm the type of person with whom believe it or not listens to everyone, weighs it out takes out of it what i like and i live the rest to be quite frank.

i keep hearing you say i need help. i am getting help so i guess yes that is a bit frustrating as though i'm on the brink of disaster and have not taken any steps on making me a well and happy individual. i have and have been an active participant in my mental health at this point.

when you read that someone is seeing a pyshcdoc and a therapist and then you repeat you need help.......that isn't quite right. that is why i often when i'm not in the greatest of moods will read through posts and just offer my thoughts or hugs to them. it's dangerous stuff lending advice it truly is, has a large impact on people. everyone here is great. but let me repeat i am getting help. i got worried about me and sought it out immediately.

in regards to the control issue ofcourse it does happen to us all the best of hte best we all can loose control at times with our children. the only thing we can do is learn from our mistake and then move forward hopefully not repeating hte same one yet again.

i have seen a marked improvement in my older difficult child over just a few short days of me being around after school, taking an hour out each day to email her teachers back and forth to keep up to what it is she's doing if she's showing up. her drug screen came back negative on it all. little difficult child needs evaluation so that is what it is she rages i have to physically hold her down and hug her. she just spent an hour struggling to do a book report and crying thru it. love that.

anyway so that's that. it takes time it all takes time. i have no choice but to burn it on boht ends. ih ave to make money i hvae to be there for my kids i have to be there for me. i do nto have a choice as many of us do not. i'm actually lucky right now i've paid hte bills alone for 7 years since my divorce. this is the first time i dont' have to worry if rent's getting paid. that in itself is a relief.

thanks again for your care and concern this is a wonderful place and i have found the support to be great

jenn