Update On difficult child 2

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Janna, Feb 23, 2007.

  1. Janna

    Janna New Member

    The other thread was getting so long LOL! Thank you everyone for replies and thoughts and good wishes. Yesterday was a very, very bad day.

    I received a call this morning from my attorney, who had a conference call with difficult child 2's attorney and the county's attorney. According to mine, all 3 lawyers were appalled and disgusted with foster mother's behaviors. She was not formally invited to this meeting, and the attorney's are wondering why she was there.

    I, personally, believe she was there because of the CPS worker. Revenge, spite, what have you. Immature, young girl, angry at me for pointing out her mistakes and neglect to the court on several occasions. Although I have asked for a new caseworker and to have her removed, she hasn't been, and it's pretty clear she hates me. That's fine.

    Anyway, SUPPOSEDLY (all according to my lawyer), difficult child 2 and his counsel had a little chit chat after the meeting, away from foster mother. Supposedly, difficult child 2 was half frightened to say anything in that room with an erratic, out of control foster parent ranting and raving. WHY IS HE WITH HER THEN? That's for another day.

    However, difficult child 2 insisted to the parties that matter that he still wants to reunify. He will do counseling. He will do whatever it takes.

    This all sounds great, but, then I have my worries still.

    He is still a manipulator. He's an abuse crier. Yes, he's done it to SO, he's done it to the previous fosters. What's to say he won't do it again?

    We'll need interventions and outlets. My attorney has absolutely assured me we are still working on reunification.

    Court is March 6 @ 2.

    He won't come home that day, almost sure. I foresee them ordering family counseling again. Doing that until school is out. Then the possible reunification then, should things progress.

    However, I cannot see working on anything with him in the current home. He will have to be taken out. After yesterday, I will not forgive, forget or agree to work with this woman. I am not a forgiving person. I don't care who told her what about me, or what she thinks she knows, or what she has been told. She's a psycho and I do not have to put up with her. She was disrespectful, hateful and nasty and in no way, shape or form will I ever tolerate being in the same room with her, ever again.

    So, we will have to see how this progresses. But I feel better knowing my son did stick up for what he wants yesterday. That hurt me more than anything.

    So thanks everyone. Any suggestions for interventions appreciated. Keep in mind, we can't really get services out here. I have tried for things like advocates, big brothers, etc, for Dylan and gotten nothing. NOBODY is willing to come to my house, we're too far out.

    Janna
     
  2. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Janna,

    glad your son was able to finally speak his mind, but it bothers me that he would treat you like he did at the meeting and then say he wants to be back at home. But, based on what you've told us, this is usual for him.

    If you are able to get home supports as part of reunification, don't they have to provide them regardless of how far out you are? Perhaps you and your attorney should work that angle.

    Hugs,
    Sharon
     
  3. Sara PA

    Sara PA New Member

    <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Janna</div><div class="ubbcode-body">I, personally, believe she was there because of the CPS worker. Revenge, spite, what have you. Immature, young girl, angry at me for pointing out her mistakes and neglect to the court on several occasions. Although I have asked for a new caseworker and to have her removed, she hasn't been, and it's pretty clear she hates me. That's fine.</div></div>
    Ah, that would explain it. I was wondering why the foster parent was there to begin with and why the placing agency (CPS) would tolerate that sort of behavior from a foster parent.
     
  4. Janna

    Janna New Member

    Yeah, Sara, you'd think someone would have said something, right? Nothing. Nobody. I think counsel was in shock, and the caseworker (with her supervisor sitting beside her LOL) said nothing.

    Unbelievable.

    I wish I could sue these people for something. Not for any money. Just for the point.

    I have been seriously, emotionally damaged by all this mess. I swear I have PTSD. I have nightmares, serious ones, that wake me in the middle of the night regarding all this. I cannot stop thinking about it, it's almost neurotic.

    I may need to seek psychiatric help. Seriously, I'm not in a very good emotional state. I'm holding it together for my children. My SO is worried sick about me. I keep telling him I'm fine, to save him from worry, but I'm truly not. I wouldn't dare tell anyone but you guys - but I'm really not fine.

    I need help. I'm just too scared to get it. My kids need me. I just keep hoping it's going to get better and this mess will just go away.
     
  5. PiperThree

    PiperThree New Member

    Oh Janna -
    I just saw all that happened to you on the other thread and I just wanted to let you know how so sorry I am that it happened. I can relate to you being super stressed out and having PTSD and nightmares - I am sure so many of us understand that. I agree that you need to seek out some therapy all for you and you alone and get some help. The last thing you need is some psycho foster mother screaming at you when the meeting was supposed to accomplish tasks like setting up a legal IEP for difficult child 2. I also agree with what Marg said about writing the letter - it will be therapeutic for you also to get stuff down on paper. This is such a scary, crazy time in your life right now but I think that you need to start taking care of you and your mental health before you start a downward spiral. difficult child 2 will need his mama whole and in a good place when he does finally come home.

    Big hugs to you lady, we're all here for you.

    Piper
     
  6. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    Well for your sake and everyone else involved I sure do hope March 6th goes better!!! You will be one "Warrior Momma" showing up!!!

    I have never dealt with this my 2 are still too young... but I know about the thinking too much about things, my fight with mother in law, that has put a wedge between all of us forever ( I am sorry ,I just can't take comments like self fulfilling prophecy), trying to obtain services out here in the boonies... the frustration of beating your head against the wall trying to do the right thing... getting no credit from the "proffesionals" who are supposed to be helping, making you feel like poop...

    It has to take it's toll on you sooner or later... we all need to release some how. Some days I feel like I will explode if something doesn't give!!! Especially when I am alone, or feel alone.

    Please remember yourself... I am trying to get my husband to do the same thing he has been holding it all in for so long also... the guilt, the stress, the feeling like nothing ever gets accomplished, one step forward one step back!!!
    Keep your chin up just when I think I have had it... I get a surprise... and I am happy to face it all again, I have no idea why!!!
    Hang in there
     
  7. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    Janna,
    It's okay if you need help. You should reach out for yourself now because all the stress is taking a huge toll on you. It won't be any easier once difficult child 2 is home, but it may be even more stressful for you. Better to reach out now than wait until you are too far gone. {{{Hugs}}}
    FWIW, I'm worried about you too.
     
  8. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    I forgot to throw in a big
    {{{{HUG}}}} for you...
     
  9. oceans

    oceans New Member

    Janna- I hope that the March 6th meeting goes well for you. I don't blame you for not wanting to see that foster ever again!!! How awful!

    Please find a way to get some help for yourself somehow! It must be difficult to be so far from services, but there must be something for you...maybe something close to work.

    I'll be thinking of you!
     
  10. givnmegryhr

    givnmegryhr New Member

    Hi Janna. I just caught up with your other thread and want to add my sorry and hugs. I can see how difficult child 2 would be afraid of that woman. I honestly can't believe nobody shut her up and got her out of there. Anyone should have just stopped it all and said that we are here for difficult child 2, this is totally inappropriate. As for your own mental health, I am actually surprised you have held it together this long, and I know you are a tough lady. I like to think I am too,but I am now seeing a psychiatrist and a therapist. Do it for yourself AND for your family. You can't help them if you are a mess. We are here for you and you know how to get in touch with me if you ever need a hug or a shoulder. You hang in there.
     
  11. Loris

    Loris New Member

    I hope the court date goes much better than this last meeting. I'm surprised you have held it together for so long. Take care of yourself. It's a lot of pressure you're under.
     
  12. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Janna</div><div class="ubbcode-body">

    Supposedly, difficult child 2 was half frightened to say anything in that room with an erratic, out of control foster parent ranting and raving.
    </div></div>

    Those were my thoughts yesterday. That it was too much for him. He has to go home with that woman.

    You need to take care of you. If you don't take care of you, you certainly won't be able to take care of anyone else. You do it for your kids. You're not any less important.

    {{{HUGS}}} I'm glad you have somewhere you can go (here) where you feel safe talking about these things.

    Heather
     
  13. jodyice

    jodyice New Member

    Janna- I hope March 6 goes so much better.
    Please find some way to get help for yourself. All this takes an emotional toll on the body & mind, and you need to be there for your family and to do that you have to take care of yourself. ~huge cyber hugs~ You will be in my thoughts and prayers.
     
  14. jannie

    jannie trying to survive....

    Sending big hugs--this is so much to go through. You are strong. I think it will all work out.
     
  15. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Janna

    If you're already feeling the stress so badly, then the time has come to get some help for YOU. If you don't take care of yourself, you won't be in shape for anyone else. You are going thru an emotional wringer of major stress with this situation. Not one of us here will fault you for getting someone to help you. Heck, we'll probably all cheer you on. lol You deserve it, you've more than earned it. And it will make you feel so much better.

    I was wondering what the deal with the foster Mom was, and why no one pulled her fanny out of the room. I'd be refusing to deal with her again too. Glad difficult child spoke up for what he wants. With the way you were describing her actions, I can't say I blame him for being indimidated by her. He did have to go home with her. And I hate to say it, but if she had the guts to act out like that at that type of meeting I hate to think of how she may act in her home.

    I hope March 6 goes well. Remember to take care of YOU. We worry, you know.

    ((((hugs))))
     
  16. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Janna, you wrote, "I may need to seek psychiatric help. Seriously, I'm not in a very good emotional state. I'm holding it together for my children. My SO is worried sick about me. I keep telling him I'm fine, to save him from worry, but I'm truly not. I wouldn't dare tell anyone but you guys - but I'm really not fine."

    Get the help. You need it. It will not only help you feel more in control, but it will also empower you as you need right now.

    It needn't be a psychiatrist, a good clinical psychologist can help. And it needn't involve medications if you don't want it to.

    been there done that. Not with foster mothers of course, but with PTSD etc. I'm not afraid to call for such help when I need it, even if I have to keep it quiet from my extended family.

    Have you written any letter yet? Because the CPS worker who orchestrated this stunt will not learn until she has to face consequences. an important meeting got derailed because FM was where she shouldn't have been. And it also doesn't look good for difficult child 2's placement. Caseworker has to learn (and grow up!) and so does FM. The lawyers should at least have objected after the meeting, if they were in shock during it.

    You're also carrying a lot of anger (understandably). You need to get it under control ASAP. I don't mean eliminate it - you can't do that. But control also means using it productively, like an industrial laser beam. Once again, a psychologist can help, especially with cognitive behaviour therapy. Once you have anger controlled, you can handle meetings like this and totally turn the tables by NOT letting them get to you so you can't think clearly. I freely admit - I use anger as a driving force sometimes. It helps me get rid of it by directing it in a way that helps me accomplish things. Under control, I can think more clearly, more sharply and more quickly. Out of control - I'm a hazard.

    I'm not surprised you're feeling overloaded. You had expectations of sorting out some vital problems and it all got derailed. When you lack control over what is going on (because other people or circumstances take it away from you) the stress escalates badly. As soon as you can grab back some control, ANY control, it reduces your stress. You need to feel as if you're doing something, anything, even if it's not actually changing things. Channelling the adrenalin, basically, helps. Like getting yourself a job smashing glass in a recycling factory. Very therapeutic! difficult child 1 goes out into the yard and plays target practice on a stump with his knives. rather a stump, than a person.

    Hang in there, even if it's by your fingernails. Keep us posted.

    Marg
     
  17. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Janna,
    I'm glad the other lawyers felt the foster mom was out of place-I wonder why they didn't stop her :grrr: With all that's going on in your life right now it is so important to take care of you. I know it can be scary to go for help but in the end you will be so glad you did. I'm so sorry for your hurting heart. Hugs. :angel:
     
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