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Update on difficult child/girlfriend
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<blockquote data-quote="katya02" data-source="post: 387563" data-attributes="member: 2884"><p>Busywend, I appreciate your comments and certainly don't think it's rude to share your opinion and experience. Unfortunately I have focused on my concerns and frustrations and haven't given a full picture of the situation. </p><p></p><p>Both difficult child and girlfriend are in counseling; girlfriend is attending regularly, while difficult child finds talk therapy harder and is still getting comfortable with his therapist. He has never done well with talk therapy; however, they are both participating in grief counseling and are getting helpful (I think, anyway) advice and support. I don't expect either girlfriend or difficult child to be 'over' the loss of the baby by now, or at any predetermined time in the future. I know it will be something that's part of the rest of their lives. </p><p></p><p>My concerns with girlfriend predate the pregnancy and this situation. She is much older than difficult child and is obsessed with her biological clock. She wanted a baby before; she told difficult child he was sterile and there was no need for birth control (I know, he should never have believed her but this is him, completely gullible and unable to 'read' people - he has been taken in by 'friends' at every point in his life). He told me he was sterile just before girlfriend announced her pregnancy! They had been having unprotected sex for nine months. She was delighted to be pregnant but refused to do anything 'for the baby' that would inconvenience her - such as cutting down on her chain-smoking, or eating anything besides fast food and soda, or going for prenatal care (she went right down to social services and got MA but didn't go for prenatal care until well into her second trimester). She felt it was perfectly fine to bring the baby home to her mother's apartment with the hoarding of objects and animals, with everything saturated in urine and her mother doing drugs. That was her plan; she sabotaged every attempt difficult child made to find them an apartment. She was aware and accepting of her mother's attempts to get difficult child out of their apartment so that she and her mother could 'plan their lives together' and difficult child could send child support. Essentially, my 'take' is that she has wanted difficult child as a sperm donor and she has wanted a baby in a way that doesn't take into account the child's welfare and the reality of child-rearing.</p><p></p><p>So when she has refused birth control and thrown tantrums about wanting to be pregnant NOW, despite difficult child's decompensation and their lack of stability, I am very concerned. She is unwilling and possibly incapable of taking care of another human being. She hasn't shown concern that her mother was trying to break she and difficult child up during her pregnancy and just get money from difficult child. I think she has a very clear agenda, and while I know she has suffered a major loss and needs to work through it, the agenda is still front and center. Of course it is intensified by the natural desire to fill her aching arms and have that baby. But difficult child has suffered in a major way as well, and he's not 'over' it and not ready to be a father right now. He's so doped up on sedating medications that he can't even get up in the morning and be coherent. </p><p></p><p>This is not a young dating relationship. They've lived together almost two years and girlfriend has been trying to get pregnant that entire time. difficult child says he never wants to be a father, for various reasons. He stepped up to the plate when the 'accidental' pregnancy happened but he doesn't want to plan a pregnancy. girlfriend has no interest in his feelings or concerns. I think it's very important that their therapists work with them together. girlfriend, however, chooses to see her mother's therapist, with her mother, rather than going with difficult child. That tells me a lot.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="katya02, post: 387563, member: 2884"] Busywend, I appreciate your comments and certainly don't think it's rude to share your opinion and experience. Unfortunately I have focused on my concerns and frustrations and haven't given a full picture of the situation. Both difficult child and girlfriend are in counseling; girlfriend is attending regularly, while difficult child finds talk therapy harder and is still getting comfortable with his therapist. He has never done well with talk therapy; however, they are both participating in grief counseling and are getting helpful (I think, anyway) advice and support. I don't expect either girlfriend or difficult child to be 'over' the loss of the baby by now, or at any predetermined time in the future. I know it will be something that's part of the rest of their lives. My concerns with girlfriend predate the pregnancy and this situation. She is much older than difficult child and is obsessed with her biological clock. She wanted a baby before; she told difficult child he was sterile and there was no need for birth control (I know, he should never have believed her but this is him, completely gullible and unable to 'read' people - he has been taken in by 'friends' at every point in his life). He told me he was sterile just before girlfriend announced her pregnancy! They had been having unprotected sex for nine months. She was delighted to be pregnant but refused to do anything 'for the baby' that would inconvenience her - such as cutting down on her chain-smoking, or eating anything besides fast food and soda, or going for prenatal care (she went right down to social services and got MA but didn't go for prenatal care until well into her second trimester). She felt it was perfectly fine to bring the baby home to her mother's apartment with the hoarding of objects and animals, with everything saturated in urine and her mother doing drugs. That was her plan; she sabotaged every attempt difficult child made to find them an apartment. She was aware and accepting of her mother's attempts to get difficult child out of their apartment so that she and her mother could 'plan their lives together' and difficult child could send child support. Essentially, my 'take' is that she has wanted difficult child as a sperm donor and she has wanted a baby in a way that doesn't take into account the child's welfare and the reality of child-rearing. So when she has refused birth control and thrown tantrums about wanting to be pregnant NOW, despite difficult child's decompensation and their lack of stability, I am very concerned. She is unwilling and possibly incapable of taking care of another human being. She hasn't shown concern that her mother was trying to break she and difficult child up during her pregnancy and just get money from difficult child. I think she has a very clear agenda, and while I know she has suffered a major loss and needs to work through it, the agenda is still front and center. Of course it is intensified by the natural desire to fill her aching arms and have that baby. But difficult child has suffered in a major way as well, and he's not 'over' it and not ready to be a father right now. He's so doped up on sedating medications that he can't even get up in the morning and be coherent. This is not a young dating relationship. They've lived together almost two years and girlfriend has been trying to get pregnant that entire time. difficult child says he never wants to be a father, for various reasons. He stepped up to the plate when the 'accidental' pregnancy happened but he doesn't want to plan a pregnancy. girlfriend has no interest in his feelings or concerns. I think it's very important that their therapists work with them together. girlfriend, however, chooses to see her mother's therapist, with her mother, rather than going with difficult child. That tells me a lot. [/QUOTE]
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