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Update on difficult child -we are in Colorado and it just went pear-shaped...
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<blockquote data-quote="blackgnat" data-source="post: 598466" data-attributes="member: 13561"><p>Thank you all so much for your replies and for reminding me that I have done all I can do and that it's time to focus on me having a life instead of being so codependent.</p><p></p><p>RE, I went back and read the article on Detachment again. It's SO helpful-honestly, that whole article describes me and the way I have handled my son's upbringing. I am the poster child for enmeshment.</p><p></p><p>I decided to stay one more day in Colorado. The decision to either stay or go is agony for me, especially as the easy child is telling me to stay longer. I DO have the time, as I work in education and we are on summer vacation. I feel that I'm probably impeding my difficult child's progress by hanging on. (there I go again, making it all about HIM-aargh! I have a LOT of work to do!) But I have things that I need to do and right now, I'm suspending reality by being here.</p><p></p><p>I will probably try to do a little more "fixing" just to ease my mind. It'll take the form of making sure difficult child has the bus schedule printed out, driving him to the store to see if his food card works, etc. After that, it's all up to him to make his own life. I think I should seriously look into CODA and Al-Anon so that I'm not consumed with guilt about "not doing enough." Because I have skewed my own reality and I need to get it back.</p><p></p><p>If the difficult child makes the wrong choices, then he will have to live with the consequences and I know that both my ex and my easy child will brook no nonsense from him. Already my ex is telling my easy child, "He can be here for a couple of weeks and that's it" and my easy child is "Dad, that's kind of a long time...". But you know, it's not going to be my issue and I won't be there to make it my own. What I have to guard against is intervening-I can see the difficult child calling me with a tale of woe and me calling my ex to see if he can fix it. From 1,000 miles away! I REALLY MUST NOT DO THAT! I must retrain my brain to lessen the impact of worrying about things that are beyond my sphere of influence. And in reality, difficult child does what he wants anyway, so why am I thinking I even HAVE any influence? I need to get over myself!</p><p></p><p>As has been said so many times on this forum, we have our mother's and father's heart and I also have to tell myself that even if I'd had TWO pcs, I would still worry about them and trust that they were making the safe and healthy choices in life. difficult children just come with more of a Murphy's law package...</p><p></p><p>SO again, thank you all for your supportive words and for the reality check. Thanks for letting me process as I write. Now I just have to go through the agony of Goodbye. And a 15 hour drive to Illinois! Ugh! My tailbone hurts just thinking about that!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="blackgnat, post: 598466, member: 13561"] Thank you all so much for your replies and for reminding me that I have done all I can do and that it's time to focus on me having a life instead of being so codependent. RE, I went back and read the article on Detachment again. It's SO helpful-honestly, that whole article describes me and the way I have handled my son's upbringing. I am the poster child for enmeshment. I decided to stay one more day in Colorado. The decision to either stay or go is agony for me, especially as the easy child is telling me to stay longer. I DO have the time, as I work in education and we are on summer vacation. I feel that I'm probably impeding my difficult child's progress by hanging on. (there I go again, making it all about HIM-aargh! I have a LOT of work to do!) But I have things that I need to do and right now, I'm suspending reality by being here. I will probably try to do a little more "fixing" just to ease my mind. It'll take the form of making sure difficult child has the bus schedule printed out, driving him to the store to see if his food card works, etc. After that, it's all up to him to make his own life. I think I should seriously look into CODA and Al-Anon so that I'm not consumed with guilt about "not doing enough." Because I have skewed my own reality and I need to get it back. If the difficult child makes the wrong choices, then he will have to live with the consequences and I know that both my ex and my easy child will brook no nonsense from him. Already my ex is telling my easy child, "He can be here for a couple of weeks and that's it" and my easy child is "Dad, that's kind of a long time...". But you know, it's not going to be my issue and I won't be there to make it my own. What I have to guard against is intervening-I can see the difficult child calling me with a tale of woe and me calling my ex to see if he can fix it. From 1,000 miles away! I REALLY MUST NOT DO THAT! I must retrain my brain to lessen the impact of worrying about things that are beyond my sphere of influence. And in reality, difficult child does what he wants anyway, so why am I thinking I even HAVE any influence? I need to get over myself! As has been said so many times on this forum, we have our mother's and father's heart and I also have to tell myself that even if I'd had TWO pcs, I would still worry about them and trust that they were making the safe and healthy choices in life. difficult children just come with more of a Murphy's law package... SO again, thank you all for your supportive words and for the reality check. Thanks for letting me process as I write. Now I just have to go through the agony of Goodbye. And a 15 hour drive to Illinois! Ugh! My tailbone hurts just thinking about that! [/QUOTE]
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Update on difficult child -we are in Colorado and it just went pear-shaped...
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