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Update on difficult child -we are in Colorado and it just went pear-shaped...
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<blockquote data-quote="scent of cedar" data-source="post: 600206" data-attributes="member: 1721"><p>You are doing a very hard thing very well, blackgnat.</p><p></p><p>It is never easy to parent difficult child kids. They are so manipulative that by the time we are off the phone with them, our heads are spinning and we don't know which way is up. I'm sorry this is happening. I know it feels like a nightmare. I read a poem once about pain. One of the lines went something like "sunlight scissors like the Living Lord." When we are trying to establish new behaviors for our difficult children, when we first begin saying the true and healthy things to them that we need to, if they are ever going to have a chance...it hurts us so much.</p><p></p><p>It is agony. But if you are going to try to help your son, you have to be strong, and face it, and do it.</p><p></p><p>What I see in difficult child's behavior, in his choice of words, in the choice of images he chose to present you with is "I will be making my way home soon ~ with or without your money, I'm coming home."</p><p></p><p>Preferably, of course, with YOUR money.</p><p></p><p>The father is doing the right thing.</p><p></p><p>Rather than commiserate with your son because his father will not allow him to use drugs and sell himself to strangers IN THE FATHER'S HOUSE blackgnat, I think it is important for you to keep contact with ex-husband and support him in this.</p><p></p><p>This can't be easy for him.</p><p></p><p>Your son is triangulating ~ is carefully inserting specific, highly specialized wedges between you and husband. He intends to change your concept of husband, and of this whole moving to Colorado idea. </p><p></p><p>So he can come home, blackgnat.</p><p></p><p>Ex husband made the rules and the time constraints very clear to difficult child. difficult child is upset that ex husband means what he says. difficult child will have to change, or he will have to take responsibility for his own life.</p><p></p><p>Here are some things you might be able to say to difficult child: </p><p></p><p>I know it's so difficult, difficult child. But you are strong. You are so bright. I know you will find a way to live strong and healthy. </p><p></p><p>difficult child, I'm so proud of you for making it through that first night. It must have been so scary. Good job! </p><p></p><p>Stop drinking, difficult child.</p><p></p><p>Stop using drugs, difficult child.</p><p></p><p>That is dangerous behavior, difficult child. I love you too much to watch you destroy yourself. </p><p></p><p>And my old standby phrases:</p><p></p><p>You were raised better than to do what you are doing, difficult child.</p><p></p><p>I love you too much to watch you self-destruct, difficult child. Stop using drugs.</p><p></p><p>I love you too much to help you self-destruct, difficult child. Stop using drugs.</p><p></p><p>You will be fine, difficult child. Stop using drugs.</p><p></p><p>I think you said your son was 24? Envision the things other 24 year old males ~ whatever their sexual orientation ~ are accomplishing. They are taking their Master's degrees, buying their first houses, beginning new businesses, getting married, supporting families. </p><p></p><p>That is what you want for your son, too. Not this lifestyle he has somehow fallen into.</p><p></p><p>I am sorry, blackgnat. I know you probably aren't sleeping well. I imagine your stomach is tied into knots and it is sometimes difficult to breathe or to concentrate. I know it seems impossible to make it through the days, and the nights are worse. </p><p></p><p>Post often, blackgnat. All of us here are living through the same terrible things. </p><p></p><p>You can do this.</p><p> </p><p>Barbara</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="scent of cedar, post: 600206, member: 1721"] You are doing a very hard thing very well, blackgnat. It is never easy to parent difficult child kids. They are so manipulative that by the time we are off the phone with them, our heads are spinning and we don't know which way is up. I'm sorry this is happening. I know it feels like a nightmare. I read a poem once about pain. One of the lines went something like "sunlight scissors like the Living Lord." When we are trying to establish new behaviors for our difficult children, when we first begin saying the true and healthy things to them that we need to, if they are ever going to have a chance...it hurts us so much. It is agony. But if you are going to try to help your son, you have to be strong, and face it, and do it. What I see in difficult child's behavior, in his choice of words, in the choice of images he chose to present you with is "I will be making my way home soon ~ with or without your money, I'm coming home." Preferably, of course, with YOUR money. The father is doing the right thing. Rather than commiserate with your son because his father will not allow him to use drugs and sell himself to strangers IN THE FATHER'S HOUSE blackgnat, I think it is important for you to keep contact with ex-husband and support him in this. This can't be easy for him. Your son is triangulating ~ is carefully inserting specific, highly specialized wedges between you and husband. He intends to change your concept of husband, and of this whole moving to Colorado idea. So he can come home, blackgnat. Ex husband made the rules and the time constraints very clear to difficult child. difficult child is upset that ex husband means what he says. difficult child will have to change, or he will have to take responsibility for his own life. Here are some things you might be able to say to difficult child: I know it's so difficult, difficult child. But you are strong. You are so bright. I know you will find a way to live strong and healthy. difficult child, I'm so proud of you for making it through that first night. It must have been so scary. Good job! Stop drinking, difficult child. Stop using drugs, difficult child. That is dangerous behavior, difficult child. I love you too much to watch you destroy yourself. And my old standby phrases: You were raised better than to do what you are doing, difficult child. I love you too much to watch you self-destruct, difficult child. Stop using drugs. I love you too much to help you self-destruct, difficult child. Stop using drugs. You will be fine, difficult child. Stop using drugs. I think you said your son was 24? Envision the things other 24 year old males ~ whatever their sexual orientation ~ are accomplishing. They are taking their Master's degrees, buying their first houses, beginning new businesses, getting married, supporting families. That is what you want for your son, too. Not this lifestyle he has somehow fallen into. I am sorry, blackgnat. I know you probably aren't sleeping well. I imagine your stomach is tied into knots and it is sometimes difficult to breathe or to concentrate. I know it seems impossible to make it through the days, and the nights are worse. Post often, blackgnat. All of us here are living through the same terrible things. You can do this. Barbara [/QUOTE]
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Update on difficult child -we are in Colorado and it just went pear-shaped...
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