Update on difficult child

[Kathy813]

Hello all,

I thought I would start a new thread as the other one had gotten so long. Thank you to everyone that posted. Your support is invaluable to me.

difficult child's DBT therapist thinks difficult child is stable for now. In fact, she seems the most stable she has been since Peter Pan left. Of course, I thought she was doing well the night before she OD'd so what do I know?

I think that the therapist wants to try to get difficult child to agree to go into a program instead of trying to force her into a program using an interventionist or threatening to kick her out. As the therapist put it, "no one likes to be ambushed." In the meantime, the p-doctor told difficult child that she would have the paperwork ready on Monday for the low-income assistance program so difficult child can start on the Abilify.

husband and I are also starting the DBT parents' program October 11th. I am hoping it will help us understand difficult child's mental illness . . . especially husband. He still hasn't really come to terms with it. I still think deep down he thinks she can just snap out of it and start acting right. We will work through difficult child's DBT modules from a family perspective. The first one is emotional regulation.

Thank you all again from the bottom of my heart.

~Kathy

 

[exhausted]

Kathy,
I am glad to hear she is back. This is typical Borderline (BPD) behavior. They have hese episodes and then they are done-at the longest a couple days. It is bad when they have them, recover and then have them a few days later yet again. The scare for us is always, "Will she do something to jeopordize her life?" I cannot take these episodes lightly because she has made suicide attempts and jeopordized her safety many times. I know how scared you were.
I learned quite a bit when I took the parent DBT course. Emotional regulation is the toughest one for my difficult child to manage. She is also resistant to my coaching which makes it harder. My husband has a hard time with the whole MH issue as well. He knows she isnt right, but keeps the hope alive she will get better.
I like your therapist's approach. Honestly it is so hard to know what the right tactic is. I also know that very few places truelly have success with Borderline (BPD) beyond teaching DBT faster and keeping them safe for awhile. Many standard programs actually employ methods that make things worse. I hope she chooses the healing path. My heart aches for her because this is such a painful illness from everything I have read. Their emotions are so intense and the self loathing and emptiness so bad, they fight every day to go on. ((Hugs)) to you both and your in my thoughts and prayers.

 

[Kathy813]

Exhausted, that is exactly how my difficult child explains things. She said every day is a struggle to even get out of bed and she often has suicide ideations because she thinks she just can't handle day-to-day living. She also has such feelings of unworthiness that was intensified by Peter Pan leaving. She thinks no one else would ever want her since she is so "crazy."

It is such a shame because my difficult child is beautiful, smart, and funny.

~Kathy

 

[buddy]

Glad she is ok for now....Nice update. The parent program sounds good. I hope you can connect with other parents who understand too ....at least for me that often helps.

 

[ThreeShadows]

Kathy, my mom was an undiagnosed Borderline (BPD). I'm lucky to have survived my childhood. You are doing all you can. God bless you! You are working to help your grandchildren.

 

[Kathy813]

Sadly, this was a conversation that I had with difficult child the other day. She mentioned that she could never have kids with her problems. I couldn't disagree with her. I can't imagine difficult child as a mother . . . at least right now.

Maybe the DBT will actually help her reach that point some day. For now, I just want her stable enough to stay alive and keep working at getting better.

I also think difficult child's problems are a reason that easy child says that she will never have children. She is very aware of the genetic component involved. husband's brother was diagnosed as a bi-polar alcoholic who was found dead in a hotel room surrounded with empty bottles at the age of 49.

I hate this for all of us.

~Kathy

 

[Nancy]

I'm glad she's stable again and the parents program sounds like it will be very helpful. I think it's hard for our husband's to accept what we have had to accept long ago. Interacting with other parents and hearing your same story through the mouths of others will be very revealing to him.

I know my difficult child should never have children. She says she knows she isn't prepared to handle children right now but I'm terrified she will decide someday that what she wants. It is very sad on so many levels. I don't know how my difficult child feels inside, since she doesn;t live here we have very few conversations and none of them are deep. But since she also has Borderline (BPD) I would think she feels much the same as your difficult child. It's probably a struggle for her everyday. When I think of her future it makes me very sad. husband had to bring her something last week and he said her apartment was absolutely horrible and there wasn't even anyplace to sit that was clean.

Nancy

 

[InsaneCdn]

Kathy? The future and kids or not? I know some really high-needs difficult child who grew up a bit later in life... and while they didn't get to "raise" kids, they became step-parent to almost-raised kids, and still got to be a grandma. There are many ways that the story can play out. But yes, first... stability.

 

[Calamity Jane]

Hi Kathy,
I was out last night, so I didn't see your post. I am glad she's doing better for now, and I think "ambushing" her would have been a less than optimum choice. I'm so sorry she feels like it's a struggle sometimes to just live day to day. For a young, beautiful, smart and funny person, that kind of insight just doesn't correlate. It must be sheer hell when she's going through it, and you, husband and easy child are somewhat limited to being spectators, even though you want to do everything to make it stop. My brother is mentally ill and lives in an adult home, and we have him at our house once a week. Sometimes he feels that way, and then it passes, but then it returns. He has just gotten used to feeling that way.
I am hoping your daughter can find help with the Abilify - I've heard great things about it. From your previous posts about difficult child a few months ago, when she was using DBT skills and being a semi-easy child, I enjoyed how close you two became and her sense of humor came through in your posts. She is lovely at the core, and I just sincerely hope that the abilify and continued DBT skills will help her manage her emotions, and I hope Peter Pan does not torment her from afar. Big hugs.

 

[DDD]

Kathy I'm happy to read an update that seems to have brought a little peace to your household. It will be wonderful if you all can get on the same page. I'm always rooting for you and yours.

The comments about having children really triggered some response here. GFGmom was so eager to "be loved" that she had three children by three different men. The first was a one night stand with a nice, handsome underachiever with an alcohol problem (easy child/difficult child's Dad). She actually "believed" he would be thrilled to find out "they" were having a baby. Called him from the hospital to tell him that "they" had a son. Sad. Two years later she met another young man who was nice, handsome and an alcoholic. They actually dated until difficult child#2 was born and she was positive they would live happily ever after. He had two daughters and did not want her to have the baby. Sigh...she was picturing a big happy family. He left town when difficult child#2 was six months old. Then she hooked up with the hispanic, alcoholic as soon as he was released from prison. Her daughter has lived in chaos since birth and I have detached completely so I don't know how dirty the house is etc.

Neither easy child/difficult child or difficult child#2 want to have children. easy child/difficult child is in a relationship with a woman who has three children (living with her parents). He is enjoying his role as potential step Dad (they are 7 to 17) but he always goes to see the new babies born to his friends and comes home telling me how cute or beautiful they are and how he enjoyed rocking them or walking them. I think it is sad that there may not be a next generation. DDD

 

[Signorina]

Kathy - I am glad to see your update and glad that you are getting good guidance as you navigate toward the next step. And I am so glad that you and your H are going to do the DBT program together. At least you will be on the same page and moving in the same direction. I imagine it will be good bonding timer for your marriage. (Not implying that you need bonding tho!) I think it's really great when you can be in lock step with your partner. Even when you disagree on how to handle something, it's nice to know that you both want the same outcome. I may be projecting too much, but as careful as H and I try to be with each other - the situation with difficult child has stressed our relationship tremendously.

I hope things continue to go positively.

 

[toughlovin]

Kathy, glad to see the update. The parents program for DBT sounds good... it is so darned frustrating dealing with the mental health issues and Borderline (BPD) and the substance abuse. We are also dealing with that as you know wiht my son. I think the DBT helped him but then he still went off the rails... and honestly until he is committed to getting help AND staying sober I dont think anything will help him. I can tell from his FB page he is not at all committed to staying sober at the moment... and the frustrating part is you know the substances are what they use to deal with their feelings of loss and emptiness.

I so look forward to someday being a grandmother but man oh man I don't want it to be through difficult child.... I still have this hope that he will turn things around somehow and will be able to be a father, but sometimes that hope just feels irrational to me.

TL

 

[Kathy813]

The more that I am reading the more I realize that DBT usually takes two full years before real changes are internalized. We have a way to go. Adoption doesn't even come into play in our case. I think it is genetics. difficult child just got unlucky when it came to the gene pool.

 

[DammitJanet]

Wish they had a spousal DBT therapy....I would send Tony. He is so quick to blame anything I do on my issues but refuses to believe he has a darned dog in the fight.

As far as difficult child's having kids, my step brother made that decision because both he and his father are bipolar. His father has a pretty severe case of bipolar 1 and my step brother had a pretty mild case of bp2 which has been in remission since he was in his early 30's. He is a 2 years younger than me. About 3 years ago now, he adopted a little boy so he wouldnt pass on his gene's. I laughed and said he was just taking on a whole set of chances he had no idea that could crop up. He exchanged the known for the unknown.

I can honestly say I dont think I would have changed having my kids if I had known that I had bipolar. I know Cory wouldnt have given up having kids for all the tea in China. He has wanted kids since he was 12 years old. That was the first time someone let him hold their baby and it stopped crying in his arms and smiled up at him. He was a goner. Thankfully he was a boy or I would have started having grandchildren as early as he was able...lol.

 

[lovemysons]

Kathy,
Update sounds really good.
Am sure hoping your daughter will begin to feel better on the Abilify.

hugs,
LMS