I left the morning post when difficult child came in and said he had just had some suicide thoughts. It is very difficult for him to explain what these are - what I gather is that they are quickly passing thoughts - they do not "stick" but are strong enough to get his attention and scare him. His anxiety bully sure knows what buttons to push. He very reluctantly went to school this morning. I asked if he wanted to talk to Pastor L. (who helped him through last year's crisis). He said, "no, I don't know, maybe". So, we went to the church office to see if Pastor L was in and available today. I had forgotten he is gone for 3 weeks. difficult child's teacher was in the office when we had asked for the pastor. She walked out with us and then before getting to the school wing asked if we were having a bad morning. We told her what was going on. I was on the verge of tears. I just can not handle difficult child's dispair. She talked to him. She told him that she understood what was going on because when she was about his age she also had a lot of anxieties. She told him that she would help him through it. ANYTHING we can think of to help him the teachers were willing to work with. We have a very small school of 3 teachers for K - 6th. The K teacher was difficult child's teacher last year. His teacher told him that if he ever needed to talk to ANY of the teachers, even last year's, the teachers would help cover for each other so he can have that talk ASAP. I know that they probably spoke during lunch today and have made plans to put into action who covers for who and what do they do with the other students if there is this need. They know that when an anxiety attack comes on, difficult child can not wait for a major break (snack time, lunch, ect), that he needs someone NOW. She told him that they all know him and that was an advantage of a small school - that he gets to see and talk to someone who really does know him. The goal for the rest of the year is for him to find support outside of me. I will still be in the picture big time as his main support, but he needs to learn that others can help also. It is not healthy for him to be so dependent on me. His teacher said, "I am not taking away from your mom. We want you to understand that there is a lot of people who want to help you and the more people helping, the more ideas they will have." difficult child and I both felt stronger after our talk. When I went to school at 12:30 to help with the 2nd grade Social Studies class, difficult child was outside on the playground. He was having a great time and said that the morning went very well. His teacher was supervising recess today and told me that she sees that he needs the other kids to distract him from his anxiety. She also had a great report. difficult child was behind on some Iowa Basics from missing school some last week and he actually asked her if he could do them. The teacher is going to look for some positive readings/devotions for him to read during "morning meeting". She said that they may help lift his spirits for the day and he will not have to participate in morning meeting if he chooses to do these readings. Tomorrow he has a therapist appointment to address his current anxiety. He needs to go to school from 8:30 to 10:00. I had decided not to take him to school but since he has done so well today, I have a feeling that he needs to continue to overcome his morning anxiety - to know that he may not feel good facing the day but once he gets going he is fine. I told him that I have been there done that so many times. I remember years at a time when I didn't want to face the day but once on the road felt great. So strange that feeling that you don't want to get going and knowing once you do you will be fine. I also have a job duty that has to get done at work tomorrow before leaving town. So, unless he is in deep despair, I am going to get him to school. He should be able to handle 1 1/2 hours. He of course thinks I should leave him at home for that 1 1/2 hours while I go into work. I am so afraid that if I start letting him stay home once in awhile then true school refusal will sink in. I think it will be good for him to do one of the readings/devotions if his teacher finds some by then. I am very interested to see if that will help (I think it will). It was so reassuring for me to see/hear his teacher in action. She said all the right things for him and really conveyed her support. That is going to help me tremendously to get through this. I hope we find someone in the Middle School that we can trust as much. So, tomorrow we get input and support from the therapist with a request to the psychiatrist for possible medications. Does anyone know of a PRN for anxiety? It would be great if I had something just to give him when the episode arises and not have to deal with every day medications. You know, like I give him Motrine at the first twinge of a headache or migrane. I suppose I am still dreaming! This is a real rollercoaster. Feeling great one moment and then BAM! down we go and then BAM! feeling great again and then BAM!....... Just like the flu bug - sicker than sick, feel like you are getting better and then another wave of upset stomach, ect. hits harder than before. You know it will end but since you don't FEEL it will end, you start falling into despair. I felt good this afternoon/evening but then difficult child started his case about not going to school tomorrow morning. That is NOT a good sign of what the morning will bring!