Update on group home and our yesterday

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Star*, Feb 20, 2008.

  1. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    HI family,

    Gosh what an education I got yesterday and what an education I gave.

    We had to see Dudes Propation officer or....PO. (some new terms here)
    He was in Violation of his Probation or....VOP
    His PO wasn't in and usually you can't talk to the PO about VOP unless you are the client. (no fancy word for that - mmm maybe idiot?)

    In order to get to the SCP office we all had to get our cheery selves up at 5:00. I got up, everyone else - was not. At 5:30 - I gave the wake up calls - and poor Dude had just fallen asleep at 3:30-4:00 worried that he was going to jail for 6 years over not having paid his fines/restitution/court costs for his PD (public Defender) and probationary fees. WHAT??

    Okay when you go to court - there are fees for a PD EVEN IF you are indigent (very poor). The PD alone is $500.00 (a new law - gosh thanks)
    Then there is restitution or (payment to the victim of the crimes)
    There are fines - (what the state charges you because you are an idiot)
    There are fees for probation (what the state charges you to show up in the PO's office and "monitor" you)

    And here's the kick - As a parent YOU are not supposed to discuss ANY and I mean ANY aspect of this situation with a PO. So I called and asked if you have a child that is disabled - what do you do? She allowed me back to get the necessary information to handle this mess. I had NO idea what his fines were - he couldn't tell me and wasn't sure where any of his paperwork was. She asked him why he thought he no longer had fees to pay - and he (kind of cocky like --Oh Mom knows everything) said "My last PO said she would waive my fines until I got a job - and I don't have a job." And the PO looked at me and then back at him and said "So you believe you don't have any more fines to pay?" and he said "Why Do I?" and so she talked to me after that.

    We dug into our savings and caught him up 6 months worth of probation fees and restitution to keep him from going to jail. I had NO idea there was court costs even if you are indigent - but now $1000.00 is added to the mix.

    I told the PO that the group home was supposed to create a budget and help him get these fines paid down. Well-we all know that didn't happen and I told her the names of people I spoke with to have it shut down or inspected. She was not surprised. I told her that this money being paid today was MINE and DF's. She scowled at difficult child. And told him he needed to get a job and she made a notation that he owed me. (insert chuckle)

    We left there - after I tied a string around difficult child's foot. We've allowed him to think that up until meeting with the PO - that his not paying attention to everything that people say was sending him back to jail - that and not paying the fines.

    The former PO - "Okay I'll let you slide on the fines - until you get a job."
    difficult child and any other difficult child heard ' "Okay I'll let you slide on the fines." (as in they are gone) Until (whenever) you get a job (I had a job - I lost it that must count)

    From there we left and Dude called the owner of the property to go get the rest of his clothes etc. We got there and his best friend was in tears. He was very hungry - said there has been no food in the house for a week - and that the owner told them they all have to get out - that he has tried to help these boys and they don't appreciate him.

    We finally met the house elf - and were not impressed. He charged out of the side door as if we were trespassing (he came with a stick???) his demeanor was threatening, his language was not appreciated, and he sure wasn't presenting himself like a college-educated therapist for young men like we were told - I sincerely doubt the validity of that statement.

    The only funny thing about any of it was that the house elf's stick - was actually the end of a broom he had been (according to the boys) sweeping like mad to clean the place up for us. WE never went in. Dude told me that he made a pan of grits over a month ago - and they were the only thing in the fridge - he was nauseated they were still there. The animals were still being abused and Df insisted the owner take the goat off the chain - he ran and bucked and kicked like a little kid. We gave the cows water, and there was no food or hay or straw or feed for any other animal.
    The animal abuse board will be getting a call.

    The owner is lying to the boys and i'Tourette's Syndrome become apparent to us what is going on. The boy are all frightened - two of them asked if they could come live with us. The other is 20 tomorrow and will go live with his girlfriend and her mother. The owner said he's going to be shut down. This is the story he's telling the boys. The truth is - 2 of the older kids turned 18 and signed themselves out and no longer will he get $$$ for them. The other 2 there are turning 18 in days - and had decided to not sign out - but now with only 3 boys and no BIG money - they are being put out on the street. He did say of course as a kind thing - he's giving them a month to get out.

    So it will close - but not because of the abuse - but because of a greedy owner who got involved with a woman who is on crack and spends his money for her - and not back into the program. If animal control has a thing to do with it - the animals will all get new homes too. And sadly we'd talked about taking the boys - but we can't. Dude is freaking out - and they all (three boys) told him - MAN you LUCKY Dog - got parents that care, feed you, give you a nice place to stay - what were you EVER doing here man? (THAT was nice to hear in spades) VERY nice indeed.

    So we left there....drove the 2 hours home, more gas - but with a child who in a day grew up a lot. Without the prompts and for the first AND I MEAN FIRST time ever - came into the den and looked at his parents and said "Thank you guys for today - for everything." and then said "Is there anything I can do for you?" and then did what we asked gladly.

    Today he called and said "I wanted to let you know I'm going out in the yard to finish raking leaves and how many vitamins do I take - have a nice day at work Mom." (cripes - I just wanted to cry) Have a NICE day Mom?

    Df even said - the change in Dude is so refreshing.(KNOCK ON WOOD KNOCK ON WOOD KNOCK ON WOOD) ` that makes the board curse go away. It makes looking for the group home - almost okay that it's taking them longer than expected.

    Thanks for all the prayers, beads, well wishes, chicken liver dances - I mean I never take a day for granted or at least try not to - but yesterday despite it being a long and expensive one - a good one.

    Thanks for listening.
  2. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    I am knocking on every bit of wood I can lay my knuckles on; chasing away the board curse.

    I am bursting with *cautious* pride for Dude.

    (*in a whisper* give me a D, give me a U, give me a D, give me an E. Yay, him.)

    I am beside myself in tears for those boys.
  3. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    I wasn't going to post this - but we made sure the boys were fed before we left. We got hugs - and one boy who was already back in bed :( think depression - kept telling Dude - IS THIS A DREAM? I smell....I smell food.

    I just didn't want anyone to think we left them there hungry - but didn't want anyone to think it was a major deal to us - you feed whom you can.
  4. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    I just assumed you fed them or bought them groceries or something. Isn't that what humans do?

    Knocking on wood, crossing eyes, toes, fingers, feet, legs, arms, you name it....
  5. WhymeMom?

    WhymeMom? No real answers to life..

    Thanks for letting us know what happened with the "home".....Saying prayers for the boys who will be without any support.....may be a good thing to force new placement????
    Dude has gained a new perspective and I hope he can maintain his thankfullness.......
  6. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Wow. What a painful lesson for Dude in appreciation of parents who love him and do their best for him. This one may be hard to forget.

    While I wouldn't wish such a place on any child, or for anyone's child to live what these kids did...... Sometimes valuable lessons can come from horrible circumstances.

    I'm glad you were able to get the court charges (OMG) and the PO things straightened out.

    Fixing those boys a meal wasn't just an act of kindness, but showing them what good people do for each other. I don't think they'll be forgetting it anytime soon either. Poor kids.

    Karma is a *itch. The couple running this "home" will get theirs eventually, and I have faith it won't be a cake walk.

    Keeping body parts crossed that Dude continues on and does well. Saying my cheers while knocking on wood the board curse doesn't take effect. :laughing:

  7. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    Ahhhhh yes.....Board curse......I spoke one day too soon.

    Wouldn't You KNOW it? lol -

    Ugly boy returns in Spades.
  8. Coookie

    Coookie Active Member

    Ah Star, :(

    This was a heartbreaking thread :( ...then uplifiting :) ...then heartbreaking again. :( But you know the good is in Dude and these experiences he has had will stay with him and I believe the "Good" will come out again and again. :)

    You are a good mom. :)

  9. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911


    Thanks - but it's not heartbreaking. I should have known. - Thanks
  10. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Aw geeze, Star. Reminds me so much of Rob at that age. Contrite and wonderful one minute, then the "OTHER SIDE" comes out again. It's like the little angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other.

    I'm glad you had one good day.

  11. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    Star, The beginning of your post about the po and courts etc I could have written. The system is so messed up it is unbelievable. The second part I can also relat to. The program we sent my son to in GA was a true Jeclkyl-Hyde deal. One of those places that looks good on the surface but has found a way of manipulating the stats so it's preformance record appears better than it actually is. It was not supposed to be a boot camp but it used boot camp tactics and my son was running on malformed feet 15 miles a day among other atrocities. My son is not functioning well again and is using again but he has never gotten nasty or abusive with me since he hurt me two years ago, He always tellsme he loves me and I know that he does. It took a long time for him to get this down so there is still hope for Dude on the respect issue. I'm sending Hugs for the ordeal ahead. This is a trecherous journey we are on. -by the way my son has almost $4000 in court fees and restition and the judge ordered us not to help him. Not that we would unless he was doing very well for a long time anyway. RM
  12. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911


    I am done. Last night - it became VERY apparent that he's got a grudge against me - on his own he's secretly contacted my x's family. They've been filling his head with **** you just WOULD NOT believe - like.....he's a really nice man. He's a likeable person. He has a small drug problem. And my favorite - We wrote you and sent you money - for years - your mom must have a fortune.

    I never even asked for child support - and I saved every letter and card his gma sent even the money was still in them. I saved the one letter his dad sent - and Dude had seen and opened every one as they came in the mail. But because he spends every cent he gets - and there was still $12.00 in the cards - I MUST have thrown all the others away -

    When I said "yes, that's it - I just kept these that you opened to prove to you that in 12 years THIS was ALL THEY EVER CARED TO SEND - and never sent me one damn thin dime for YOUR CARE - so I MUST be the bad guy.

    And then he said "Well my DAD doesn't have anything to live for." and I said nothing. Then he chased me out of the room with the envelopes and cards screaming "I caught you, I caught you, I caught YOU - see????" and I said - I showed you ALL those cards and letters right before you went to the group home in Sept. Don't you remember?"

    He stood in the hallway hell bent on making sure he FINALLY caught me in a lie about the situation I took him out of.....and once again - failed.

    Then he said "you weren't ever abused either.....they told me." and THAT folks was the final straw. I left. All I remember was seeing black and knowing if I didn't leave I was going to physically slap the first thing that came into arms length. I don't care where they put him. I've been trying to advocate to get him a nicer group home and a place where he can get a job and go to school, be closer to us- and today for the first time in our history - I said I don't give a hang where you put him - but if he isn't out of here by Friday night - he can go back to jail and all I have to do is tell DF to take him. And I mean it - I am done.

    I don't have those - OH if I say that I'll resent it in 2 days feeling - I am beyond numb, and DF has only said - "I hope this is it for you, I can't take another minute of how he treats you." And he has nothing to worry about.

    In true difficult child fashion - he calls me at work today to get his caseworkers phone number - and I said "I don't have it" and he said "You don't have my caseworkers number???" and I said again "Nope - don't have it" and he said "I'm trying to fill out a job application " and I said "Good for you" and hung up.

    Nope ladies - I think this boat sailed.....USS Numbness is afloat.
  13. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    Oh Star,
    No advice, no comments, just{{{{{Hugs}}}}}.
    I'm so sorry.
  14. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    Rejected Mom -

    Just curious how you go about getting a judge to say MOm and dad can't help = because - Had we not done this thing for difficult child who REALLY did NOT understand all of the money aspect of it - he would be in jail. I keep saying jail isn't the place he needs to go for help - he needs to get a job and pay his fines and pay us back. He WILL sign a loan form with us - and I will get it notarized. It was NOT a gift. It was a loan.

    Trinity - Hey - don't be sorry - Done isn't necessarily bad. He's a jerk.

    Thanks -
  15. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Not sorry.

    Not sure exactly what I am.

    Hugs anyways.
  16. muttmeister

    muttmeister Well-Known Member

    I've been through so many ups and downs with my boys I feel like a yo-yo but one good day is better than no good days. Give him another year or so and maybe you'll get a couple of good days in a row. It's happened with one of mine and I never thought it would so there is hope.
    Good luck.
  17. VickiL

    VickiL New Member

    Just sending you hugs and a prayer that somewhere down the line Dude will grow up, but for now I so understand that you are done. Just know I care and hope you and DF find peace.
  18. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Glad you had a good day and Dude saw a little bit of what his peers think, that he is lucky to have you. Sorry Ugly Boy came back.

    I HATE that the people running that home won't get fines and jail time. Though they might if the animal rights people get mad. So very WRONG that they can get away with what they did to the kids, and then the animal rights people can file and get fines or whatever. The fines/jail time should be for abuse of the children.

    Sending hugs,

  19. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I didn't read the second page before I posted. What an abominal family to LIE to him about all that.

    Glad you didn't hurt him, given the screwed up system YOU would be in jail.

    I think giving him until Friday to get out is very generous.

    I am so sorry.


  20. mrscatinthehat

    mrscatinthehat Seussical

    Wow, I feel like I just went on the roller coaster with your updates. I was so excited for you then darn it all the other dude had to show back up. Hope things progress for the group home.