Update on husband leaving

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by paperplate, Feb 5, 2013.

  1. paperplate

    paperplate New Member

    So, anyway, the kids and I are still in the house and husband has agreed to letting that go. As for Medicaid, I'm not going to use it. I've found out that if you own your own home, they can actually take it when your on your death bed to pay back Medicaid & I'd rather leave the house to the kids someday. Instead, husband has agreed to pay all the blue-cross co-pays etc... Meanwhile, the utilities are being switched to my name, but the house is staying as is, since technically we are letting the KIDS keep the house & as their caregiver, I stay too. It doesn't make any sense to uproot the kids and it would be very traumatic. So instead of saying it's my house or husband's house, it's the KIDS house. DDS13 is now in school half day, I have to get it to full day so I can actually work. I'm not thrilled about the food stamps, but it is what it is. Once I start working, child support + paycheck, we should be just fine. We're turning of satellite, don't really need it. We watch most of our movies through the xbox or ps3 internet connection. So what do I need it for? Yahoo or Google gives me the news. We're going bare minimum (which I'm used to anyway, husband didn't give me money when he DID live here, so who cares). I don't have much work experience, US ARMY....don't know anyone hiring for military skills. I did work in petcare for a while and started college for special education, later switching to anatomy, but didn't finish, I got pregnant with DS13 and decided to stay home. Which is pretty much where I've been for 13 years. I'm trying to wrap my brain around the fact that after 16 years with husband I don't have my OWN anything! No bank account, credit cards...NADA! So, tomorrow after my dd11 leaves for camp with school, I'm going to open an account. My moms helping me (did I mention how much I LOVE my mother???) BUT little things are still irritating. husband is still trying to control a lot over the phone. Degrading my choices etc....and I feel VERY stupid because I am still questioning myself over dumb stuff, like somehow he's going to get mad at me if I don't do it right even though he no longer lives here!
  2. StressedM0mma

    StressedM0mma Active Member

    Congrats Paper!!! You are a very strong woman!!!! Don't doubt yourself for a minute. You are doing this every.single.day. Each day you wake up and start the day is another day of strength. You have a ton of marketable skills. You have run your household. Would DS qualify for an aide at home if you cannot get him into school everyday? That way you can go to work?

    I would do as the others advised and contact a DV advocate, and Family services for your county. They will be able to help you. Hugs.
  3. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I'm proud of you, too. As the old expression goes "Rome wasn't build in a day" and neither are new lifestyles. Take it one step at a time and I'm positive it will lead to a better life for you and the kids. When I opted to become a single Mom I kept a small notebook so I could analyze choices using pro/con and it served as my possibilities book. If I heard of a new program for single Moms..I'd jot it down. It helped me stay on track. You're doing great and I am really happy to know that you have such a wonderful Mom for support. Hugs. DDD
  4. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Well-Known Member

    I would say you are doing pretty dang amazing myself!! :)
  5. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I just wanted to let you know that medicaid law is intended for the elderly who end up in nursing homes, not parents with kids. And it only happens in certain cases. If you had children who were still living in the home and it was there only place of residence, and it would cause a hardship for them to move, then they wouldnt take the home.
  6. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    You're doing a stellar job PP, it really is one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time. Yes, you have some work to do, however, you have support, you have your mom, you have your strength and you have your home and the children. Another way to look at it is that you are starting a whole new chapter in your life, you can design it anyway YOU want. You can eat cookies for dinner and wear your jammies all weekend long. Each step of the way, you get to decide what you want, how you want this adventure to unfold. You are young and healthy, your choices are limitless. I admire your courage to change your life, you did what you did, but you got over it, talk it all out in your counseling and enjoy your freedom, you deserve it.
  7. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    You go girl! I'm super proud of you!

    Medicaid - use it if you need it. Honey they won't take your house to pay it back! They may take part of your child support but probably not since you're not working. :hugs: Also, since you were in the military, please please contact their Family Services, they may still be able to help!!!
  8. TeDo

    TeDo CD Hall of Fame

    I and my kids are on Medicaid. Unless I go into a nursing home to stay, Medicaid doesn't touch my house. My kids get it. To get medicaid to pay for long-term nursing home care, you can't own a home or have assets over a certain amount. If you do, you have to exhaust your resources before they will pick up the tab for nursing home care. That is the extent of that. You're only 37 and don't have to worry about that. Get the medicaid and get out from under his thumb. Don't let him have control of ANYTHING. He'll abuse that power.

    You're doing a great job. You're young enough to go back to school through the Displaced Homemaker Program. From what I remember, they will help with living expenses while you go to school. Otherwise, there's enough time for you to start at an entry level job and work your way up before you reach retirement. lol The possibilibites are endless. WAY TO GO!
  9. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    There is zero chance that after you die medicare/medicaid will take your home. PLEASE use that as secondary insurance. The medicaid would be in your children's names and they cannot legally take your home from them after you die. Why? It wasn't in their names at the time that they had medicaid. What you are getting is CALLED medicare by many, but is actually a state children's insurance program, and is far from the medicare that old people get. Yes, the programs are similar in income and in some benefit aspects, but that law that would let them take your home simply does not apply in any way, shape or form.

    You are probably eligible for a TON of support so that you can go back to school and get an education. There are many federal programs that deal with this, and you can discover more than a few at the unemployment office.

    My kids have had medicaid for years at different times due to my disability and from when husband was in grad school and then unemployed. At no time have they EVER asked for anything or taken a tax return or anything else. Whoever told you they would take the house after you die, was either grossly misinformed or flat out lied to you.
  10. Bunny

    Bunny Active Member

    I think that you are doing a FANTASTIC job! If you can get the medicade, get it for the kids. If you give your X any power, like whether or not he will actually pay the blue cross for them, you run the risk that he will withhold it in order to get back at you. The less power you give him, the better off you are. Take one step at a time and deep breath. You CAN do this.
  11. paperplate

    paperplate New Member

    Thanks everyone. Yeah, having to wait on him to get scripts makes me feel kinda lousy. Here's what happened this morning: 6 am, he calls and says he'll get lil ds8 script but I have only 'one chance to tell him what time the store is open' or he's not getting it. Then he calls back and tells me he will only bring it, IF I pull my car out of the garage and into the foot of snow, so he can pull in the garage and close the garage door before he gets out of the car. I said, wait....that's not fair DS8 is really sick, I need the car warm. He said, take it or leave it. The thing is, he knows the neighbors pretty much can't stand him. There are so many reasons why. Like every week I'd get 200$ worth of groceries. And if he was sitting in the garage, drinking a beer or something, they all watched him sit there, while I unloaded the car. Then they'd hear him yell about the 'slop' I bought, where's the receipt etc... And he actually blames ME for them not liking him! I can't tell you how many times I've been referred to as 'stupid', lazy, pig, ****** etc....So how is it MY fault that the neighbors don't like him???? Anyway, since lil DS8 HAD to have the prescriptions (he has the flu), I HAD to move my car to get them. Then he gave me his old cell (he bought himself an Iphone), he said I may use it temporarily and gave me a list a things I may NOT do with the phone?!?!?! UGH! So when my mom called, I let her know the deal & she is currently making calls to verizon to find me a phone that is MINE! She said husband can see who I talk to and read any messages if the phone is his. So basically, that's the situation right now. I can tell he is clearly trying to control the situation even from a distance but I'm SLOWLY getting out from under it. It justs seem like it's taking forever! I HATE begging him for anything. That's been the story of my life! My DS13 in many ways, his behavior towards me comes from a lack of respect. Ever since he was very small whatever he got for his birthday etc... He'd point out that I didn't buy it, Dad did. Whenever the kids need anything, they automatically say "do you think dad will give you any money? can you ask dad for some money?" etc....My favorite (NOT), about grocery day was this: He came home from work. Friday is grocery day. He'd sit at the computer and put his feet up. I'd say "Can I have the card now to go get the food", he'd say "When I'm ready I'll give it to you". Then he'd just sit there. Sometimes I would just stand there for a few minutes, some times longer. Then he'd hold out the card. When I reached for it, sometimes he'd pull it away and talk to me like I was child. He'd say "Did you make your list? Where are you going to shop? I need the receipt and don't forget, I can see all of the transactions online". Only after I answered EVERY question to his liking would I get that D**** CARD!!!! See...now I'm getting frustrated just THINKING about it!!! Sorry, I'm having a moment. I see the therapist tomorrow morning. I seriously need a good sit down. I NEED to recover from this for my kids sake. It's like I'm trying to dig myself out of this bottomless pit!
  12. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Your husband is a despicable abuser, you're doing a wonderful job and it may take time, but get yourself out of every possible way in which he can have control over your life. Others have mentioned the Domestic Abuse centers, they can facilitate you getting out from under. What an incredible jerk. And, underneath it an enormous coward with severe self esteem issues, to treat another human being in that fashion screams of what a weenie he really believes he is. (((HUGS))))
  13. paperplate

    paperplate New Member

    Little DS8 goes back to school tomorrow. Then I can go to the courthouse and get a TPO. I just don't want little DS8 with me when I'm sitting there explaining the situation to a judge. I know it's just paper & it won't do much, but my neighbors consist of a US Marshal, a Detective and 3 police officers. They keep an eye out. Worst case scenario, the TPO ticks him off more and we wind up having to leave our home, but it's ok. husband can be 'unstable' at times. I'm well aware of that fact. So I'm covering all my bases. Oddly enough, I find myself WISHING he had a girlfriend, just so he'd leave it alone...strange huh? Tomorrow, I'm talking to the therapist, she may be able to help with some of the stuff. It's more of a center that works with the docs, school etc... You all have been very supportive and honestly, it has helped. Just seeing everything in 'written' form, I hadn't actually realized how bad it was. It was everything I could do just to get through a day. Now that he's gone, I can clearly see through the glass. I know alot of you brought up the DV center, I've already been in touch and they're helping. So far, we're getting there, it's just baby steps and trying NOT to poke a tiger...But if we need to go fast, we can. But we're not there yet.
  14. buddy

    buddy New Member

    I fourth that! And by the way, it's ok IF you do make a mistake. We all do it. Seems like you are owed a few because you've had to be so hypervigilent.
  15. paperplate

    paperplate New Member

    Hypervigilent is exactly what it is. Like one of the reasons I started on this board was due to DS13. And alot of his behavior is explained by the whole situation. When I spend 90% of my day directing husband's anger towards me, DS13 wound up getting away with quite a bit. If he did something wrong, I was literally forced to take the explosion, simply to keep DS13 out of it, then DS13 walked away with no consequences EVER! It was like, no matter what, he knew mom would step in, so there was no punishment. Now with husband gone, I've been trying so HARD to focus on DS13's behavior, now that I do NOT have to focus on husband. And we're making progress...baby steps. Slowly, he is starting to see that HE is now responsible for his actions. It's been a little crazy, but it's actually been strange to see his face now. With the insane guy gone, DS13 now has to do the time....I can focus on HIS behavior now. The first 3 days were AWFUL!!!! But now, he's starting to get it. I just have to maintain consistancy and not lose my marbles! LOL
  16. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    I am soooooo proud of you! It's not going to be easy and you know your H will keep trying to control. I about came unglued reading about the Rx for DS8. What a... Board censor won't let my thought thru so I just won't type it. Girl you just keep coming back here especially when you feel like giving in!

    Oh, and... Tell your folks that they're pretty awesome, helping you like they have been!
  17. HaoZi

    HaoZi CD Hall of Fame

    Wal-Mart and some other pharmacies have $4 medications, ask docs about things on those lists so you don't have to worry about co-pays or your ex while you look into getting the kids on Medicaid instead. Getting out from under him and his influence is what you need and it will take time.

    And if ex tries to tell you that you have to account for every cent of child support remember this - putting a roof over their heads and keeping the utilities on IS a viable use of child support!
  18. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    You go girl, you now have a board of Warrior Moms behind you and we are AWESOME in our support, in addition to your own strength and courage, which I might add, is turning out to be quite formidable. I am proud of you. He is a bully. Close up all the loop holes, physically, emotionally, legally, mentally, in every single way, little by little he will be ousted from your lives and you will be liberated. One step at a time................................
  19. confuzzled

    confuzzled Member

    you are amazing and doing awesome ;-)

    everyone covered the medicaid issue above, but i thought i'd chime in on the phone issue.

    since you mentioned food stamps, you would probably qualify for a lifeline cell phone. some are state specific, but the one company that comes to mind is assurance wireless--they cover a broad range of states. if they dont cover yours, i'm pretty sure almost every state has some equivalent type program. its not fancy, and it is limited, but it IS free if you qualify.

    its worth a shot.
  20. paperplate

    paperplate New Member

    So if I use the Medicaid for the kids, I don't have to pay it back? Because I really HATE having to have any communication with him. It'd be a lot easier. The sooner we don't have to communicate, the sooner we can move on. Meanwhile, I have to be careful as far as visits with the other 2 that he does want to see. Spite can be a nasty thing. I'm thinking at least for a while, it should be supervised. husband cares about HIM, always has. Children are more of an 'ownership' type thing for him. The DV center said I need to apply for immediate temporary custody (I already have custody, but I think they mean exclusive).