RE: Can I cry now, please? Where to start? I can't quite think straight through this headache and tears. I woke up this morning to get kids off to school. husband was up already, and greeted me with a smile. That was refreshing to see. I got the kids to school and came back to the house. husband started talking and I just let him talk. Of course, I encouraged him to keep going with little appropriate inputs here and there. He is usually a quiet man, so when he talks I keep it going. He would not tell me about the note that he had written, but I pulled some of it out of him anyway. He did write such a note, but claimed that it was misinterpreted. husband has no recollection of yesterday evening. Last night, his Mom stopped by to check on him and brought cake for everyone. He doesn't remember her being here, or the cake. He doesn't remember me or the kids talking to him. He carried conversations last night coherently with everyone (or so it seems), but he remembers none of it today. Took husband to the doctor, where I filled her in on what happened yesterday, and the past week. husband couldn't even talk, or wouldn't. I told him "jump in anytime here" and he just sat there. I told the doctor about husband's pain. So the doctor is going to provide husband with some pain management treatments, which is needed. She asked husband if he thought about suicide, and he said "yeah, I do - but I don't think I'll ever do it". He said he'd thought about it seriously through all the pain in was in this past week, but today he feels fine. She said that if he'd thought about it and planned it then she'd have to commit him to a psychiatric facility. husband told her that he "hasn't" planned suicide. The doctor upped husband's Effexor for the meantime and is going to consider other methods of treatments for his depression. She strongly suggested that he goes to a psychiatrist, but he said he won't do it. Now on my part, husband has told me in the past some plans of his suicide. I took away his 9mm pistol two years ago, and gave it to someone for safekeeping. I hid all of the ammo for the other guns. He has rifles hung up, but no ammo for them. I control the money so I keep track of his purchases. I may dust everything else in the house, but I do not dust the rifles - my way of knowing if he ever touches them. Right now, they have a least a half inch of dust on them. No fingerprints, and I do check every day. Right now, I'm considering getting rid of all of them to his BFF buddy until it's safe again. We made plans to go to the BFF's house, and I'll pack them up when we go. Just to be safe. All it takes is one bullet. As we're waiting for husband's bloodwork to be done, husband talks about his tattoos. He has started a tattoo sleeve on his right arm and is quite proud of the designs. I drew some of the designs, so he's happy to display my art. He tells me what he wants to add on. Then he says to me "See I can't go anywhere soon if I'm making plans for these tattoos." husband and I went to see his boss and turn in his disability paper. The doctor put him out of work for a week until further notice. She said she'll keep him out of work longer if needed. husband's boss pulls him into a private office to talk with him. Apparently, the boss understands depression from his family and told husband that he will do whatever it takes for husband to get help. He offered to pay the medical bills if needed. As we were leaving, I asked the boss for the letter. husband doesn't know I have it. husband is currently out for coffee with his cousin. Which is good for him. I read the letter once he left. It was definately a suicide note. husband states in the letter that he cannot take the pain anymore, and he's tired of working for *bleep*holes. He goes on to say that "my wife took away my pistol, but there's other ways". He thens asks his friend to "go by and check on my wife once in a while for me". Then thanks his friend for being there for him. This is all I can handle right now.....will continue later.