Update on me

[Mamaof5]

Well I guess I should update you all.

If you are new, I left off at the fact that I'm dealing with partner infidelity (H had an 18+ mo affair with another woman online). It obliterated me, I closed my home business, I hit a spiral of fast downward epic proportions. I have trust issues up the ying yang and am now in counselling right now for it. A deep cycling depression hit me and have been dealing with it for nearly 8 months.

I, however, am now at a point where it's not so much the infidelity that has gotten to me but the minimal work in regaining my trust and love back. I've taken on an "F you" attitude as of late and am doing things for myself like going back to school in September (ECE and Autism Behavioral Sciences).

I've told him that he does nothing for me in the way of couple time (excuses are all I get or inaction) and will do nothing for him until my needs are met. He has taken to ignoring me and my requests for couple time, dates and saying we can't afford a babysitter and blah blah blah... I told him - if you want it bad enough you will find a way and if it doesn't happen it's not the infidelity that breaks this marriage but your inaction toward my requests for my needs to be met. I've never denied his needs but I do take the F you attitude when mine are not met. I've given up at this point in banging my head on a brick wall and expecting not to bleed doing it so I am definitely doing for me with going back to school, getting my license (driving) back after letting it expire 10+ yrs ago. Doing for me now, if he wants to follow me fine but he'll have to work for it and if he doesn't he can eat my dust.

I have trust issues, rage issues that are cyclical and environmental with triggers. Hence, counselling.

My depression is cycling back and forth and honestly I have most if not all of the PTSD symptoms from all of this. There are days where I am so low that I can't function even to get up to take a tinkle. I feel disjointed some days, even disconnected from myself and environment. I've had thoughts of going back to self harming like I did in my teens but resist because I know I'm better than that.

Kids are great, I hide it all from them. We hide this from them though I suspect there are times where they kind of "know" as kids do.

Daughter got bit by a dog in Jan, needed 12 stitches. Have a new puppy and rehomed the bird and ferrets. Now only have the two dogs. I have a job at the local restaurant\bar in town and am possibly going to have a more steady job with the day care in town as Admin Assistant. I am on the short list for interviews in two weeks, at the top of the list.

Special Education teacher called social services on us out of spite on the last day of school (even the SS said it was a spite call but due to legislation must investigate but sees no issues). All because the psychiatric assessor told her to redo the paperwork because she got caught trying to dump my Aspie kid out of Special Education classes saying she sees nothing wrong with him. I got vocal, she didn't like it or me, assessor got vocal and backed me up and she didn't like that either and called on us out of spite.

Other than that, I'm "okay" so to speak.

 

[Nomad]

I'm so very sorry. It is wonderful that you are in counseling! It sounds like you are processing all of these very difficult happenings to the best of your ability and your self esteem is growing healthier by the moment. Time to take care of yourself as best as you are able and to gather support from close/genuine family and friends. Please consider seeing a medical doctor if you think you might need medication like an antidepressant in addition to the talk therapy. Wishing you more and more inner strength and better days very soon.

 

[Star*]

Dear "Tudie"

So you're finding a path to inner peace huh? What a rocky road that is, and I ain't talking ice cream. Sounds like you do have a great introspect on things; or rather the beginnings of becoming your own Ghandi. I used to think that all those "peaceable" people must have never EVER had a bad day in their lives and just been born with golden slippers and silver spoons - Know what I mean?? I mean there was my life - and every time I turned around - train wreck, natural disaster, forest fire, ferret litter box backed up for a week type of thing. Now much later in life and today another year older, plus loads of counseling and therapy? I'd like to think I too have a little bit better grip on things. At times I do. Other times I don't. For the times I don't? I'm okay with that - and I think THAT's the beauty of therapy. ALlowing myself the permission to F it all up and be okay with it. Some days I think it's just the oddest thing - but I just do things just to see what happens and not try to be so dad-blamed perfectionistic. And it's OKAY......I can fix it later. Some people call it weird, some think I fell out of a spaceship, some think its cool - and my Mother thinks it's a kink in my otheriwse shining armor - but I know - it's just me. A little weird...but otherwise okay. I finally can say 6 out of 7 days I like me. SOmetimes even 7 out of 7....and not be narcisistic about it. You'll get there.

Oh and the forgiving him part? Yeah (scratches head) (exhales......twists lips) well? I dunno. I just dont know what to say about that. I mean I did a lot, and kept getting slapped in the face. Now? I have a strange philosophy - and its probably BECAUSE of the affairs that I can't get over it if someone lies but - to each his own on forgiveness. You'll find your own path.....it will take time...and the stuff you are feeling now? It'll fade. It's a great facade for now because you're hurt - but it gets to be a heavy wall ----too heavy to carry for more than 10 years. And you WILL find better things to replace your memories and thoughts with - I promise. Find your peace, your strengths,your happiness......they'll come. You're doing remarkable!

Hugs & Love
Star

 

[HaoZi]

Sending hugs and strength hon. Doing for yourself come what may *gives two thumbs up* and I'll be rattling for the job interview.

 

[TerryJ2]

Whew! My head is spinning!

I am so glad you've taken that attitude, seriously, with-your H. If he's not putting anything in, he doesn't get anything back.
I am so sorry about your PTSD and so glad you are in counseling. It will help a lot. Well, that is, if you have the right therapist. Sometimes you have to kiss a lot of frogs, so to speak.

Amazing you can keep all that from the kids. As you say, they know something is up, but not all the details.

So sorry about the Special Education teacher. What a thorn. (I just made that up so it wouldn't get deleted. You get the point. ) Makes me want to strangle her.
And your husband, too. So sad, he's still making up excuses, too busy, yadda yadda.

Thank you for the update. Many hugs!

 

[Hound dog]

Glad to see you still got that spark. I agree with the others. If husband puts nothing in, makes sense he gets nothing back. It's a two way street. One person does not a couple make.

Glad you are doing things for YOU. That's big. And good. It probably doesn't feel like it right now, but you'll get it figured out. And if husband doesn't get his act together soon.......heaven help him once you figure it all out.

Nice to hear from you. Hang in there.

((hugs))

 

[Mamaof5]

Thank you ladies. Star, as usually and like I've always said...you need to write professionally girlfriend

I went to counselling today and had mixed emotions about it. I click with the therapist perfectly. She was awesome, just let me talk and talk and talk. I asked for a female because of trust issues. My mixed part is I left very highly emotional, satisfied but highly sensitive and emotional (not necessarily in a bad way or good way) and found that it was triggerish for me. I don't know, maybe it's because it's not something I'm used to yet. I'll give it a few more goes first before calling it either way.